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Megamallows Giant Pizza Slice
By Marvo | March 7, 2008
I really believe the Megamallows Giant Pizza Slice is the marshmallow equivalent of a “fuck you.”
If only I had the addresses of all the people who have bullied, teased, or blueballed me over the years, I would be mailing these fuckers en masse. If you don’t love your child, giving this product to them is probably the softest way to let them know, right behind the words, “You were an accident…that happened in the back seat of a Ford Pinto…with some guy I met at a bar at closing…I think his name was Rick…or Roger…I only had you for the welfare.”
The idea of a strawberry-flavored marshmallow that is shaped like a pizza is something beyond a novelty. It is like a cruel joke that is so cruel, no one laughs at it. Yes, I did say that this marshmallow pizza is strawberry flavored. I will admit a marshmallow pizza that is pizza flavored sounds even worse, but at least it would make sense.
Strangely, I wasn’t drunk, high, or delirious with hunger when I bought it, but I wish I was drunk or high when I ate some of it, because it is something I would like to forget in either an alcoholic haze or Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind-style.
I took three regrettable bites out of the Megamallows Giant Pizza Slice and then wished for a flux capacitor to be delivered via FedEx to my door so that I can go back in time and stop myself from purchasing something that not even fat kids would eat.
Its strawberry flavor was like I was eating a shitty strawberry yogurt. Its texture was a little tough, which is weird since it is a frickin’ marshmallow. Finally, the marshmallow pizza itself looked like a Picasso abstract painting…done by a 6-year-old with fingerpaints and on acid.
Despite everything bad about the Megamallows Giant Pizza Slice, there is some good. It is fat free, but unfortunately, the zero grams of fat don’t make up for the 1,000 grams of shame.
(Nutrition Facts - 1/2 package - 150 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 35 milligrams of sodium, 37 grams of carbs, 0 grams of fiber, 26 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 4% calcium, 2% iron, and 1,000 grams of shame.)
Item: Megamallows Giant Pizza Slice
Price: $1.49
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: It didn’t make me puke. Fat free.
Cons: It’s a pizza that’s strawberry flavored. 1,000 grams of shame. The marshmallow equivalent of a fuck you. Shitty strawberry taste. No flux capacitor.
Topics: 2 Rating, Candy, Food, Snacks |
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Happy Battle of the Lean Pockets Day!!!
Sunkist Float
March 7th, 2008 at 1:20 am
or you could take the john lennon approach and tell your child he came from a whiskey bottle on a saturday night.
March 7th, 2008 at 1:32 am
hahahaha, i looks cute but I dont want to eat it.
March 7th, 2008 at 3:53 am
I think the only individuals who would enjoy this would be potheads with severe munchies. Or perhaps members of ant colonies.
March 7th, 2008 at 4:55 am
Wow.. I saw those at Universal Studios… I think there was a hamburger one. I demand an audio version of that! Want to hear you say “Fuck You”. I loved the audio version of the Vitalin- P Drink. “I like to pee freely you see”- Genius
March 7th, 2008 at 5:42 am
I had a giant marshmallow hamburger a little while ago. I honestly didn’t think it would taste as awful as it did, but then again, what do I know? It was also strawberry flavoured, and there was just something inherently wrong about the idea of strawberry flavoured beef.
March 7th, 2008 at 8:31 am
I love gummy/marshmallow candies. My favorite are the ones shaped like frogs, which I think are supposed to be lime flavored. Frankly, I’d take lime or strawberry marshmallow over frog or pizza flavor any day.
March 7th, 2008 at 8:48 am
Ahh the Pinto with the faux wood panels. His name was Reggie. Thanks kiddo for the tax deduction!
March 7th, 2008 at 10:29 am
1 000 grams of shame? Is that just a measure of how bad it is or did that marshmallow actually weigh a kilogram?
March 7th, 2008 at 11:27 am
[...] The Impulsive Buy » Archive » Megamallows Giant Pizza Slice [...]
March 7th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
i hate abstract paintings. i think its just an excuse for not having an real talent.
March 7th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
ew ew ew ew ew ew ew No!
March 7th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
I think this would be sooo much better if it were Gummi.
March 8th, 2008 at 10:18 am
That. Is. Nasty.
March 8th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
demondoll.. I totally agree, it sounds just Nasty… Marvo, I too would like to hear you utter the phrase “fuck you” in an audio version, I will be mailing a few of these fabulous F/U’s to my favorite peoples.. heh heh heh.. Oh thank heaven for 7-11, a cornucopia of totally gross and absolute wonderful stuff all in one!
March 8th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
aha! now we’re two demanding! Must give us the audio version. Right now!
March 9th, 2008 at 4:21 am
Ah man I see these things all the time, can’t remember who makes them but yeah…gummi hamburgers and gummi pizzas, only fruit flavoured. Terrible, novelty idea.
March 9th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
stephanie - Or I could take the Anna Nicole Smith approach.
Shannon - You could use it as the worst pillow in the world.
Chuck - Nope, left it out on the counter. No ants or roaches.
Shann - Crap! I was supposed to buy batteries for my microphones.
The Lazy Canadian - There’s a hot dog one. It looks like a dog’s chew toy.
Karen - I’m an easy man to please. I like the marshmallows in Lucky Charms. But this was definitely a no-no.
Susu - Oh, the wood panels! That add tens of dollars to its value.
Rylan - It’s a measure of how bad I feel after consuming part of it.
March 9th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
liz - I think its laziness. Or drugs.
Kylie - Did it once and that’s all I need.
Andy - I prefer Gummi over marshmallow.
demondoll - Not even putting a paper bag over its head didn’t help its nastiness.
Bikerbabeee - 7-11 is my friend.
Shann - Need new 9V batteries for my microphones. I’m too lazy to buy them.
Terry - Someone should make fruit shaped, fruit flavored marshmallow products.
March 9th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
And when you’re industrious enough to buy them… make an audio version of something.. we demand “Fuck You”- Marvo style!
March 9th, 2008 at 9:07 pm
I’ve seen you review some weird things here, but this thing takes the cake when it comes to “nasty”.
March 10th, 2008 at 5:31 am
Oddly enough, Whole Foods square strawberry-flavored marshmellows are super delicious.
March 11th, 2008 at 6:21 am
Mmm…that sounds nasty!
March 13th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
i am seriously about throw up!!!! seriously they must all sit in a room high and cracked out on whatever the cool drug of the moment is thinking up shit to sell that only crack heads or bloggers to the masseses would eat
March 16th, 2008 at 6:08 am
These are HORRIBLE! I have been telling people for awhile now about these…they taste a little like strawberry toothpaste that toddlers use.
March 17th, 2008 at 7:31 am
I’m going into diabetic shock just looking at this picture…ugh! *gag*
March 17th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Shann - One day I’ll have an entire review that will involve only me saying “fuck you” throughout the whole thing.
Bokkie - There have been worse.
twig - When we get our Whole Foods here, I’ll bull through the rich snobby people in the aisles to try them.
Nevis - Nasterrific!
meg - We bloggers will eat anything. Some more than others.
Brian - Strawberry toothpaste for kids is MUCH better.
Justin - I just hope you had your insulin.
March 20th, 2008 at 9:32 am
I need to find this before the 1st. Then, on April 1st I can give it to someone and say, “hey, I got you some pizza.” Then when they eat it, I can yell “Ha Ha it’s not pizza! Fuck You!”