REVIEW: KMS Hair Stay Styling Gel

Sorry there wasn’t a review yesterday.

I thought it was going to be easy getting over the bright lights, booze, buffets, brisk weather, booze, Blue Man Group, boobs, and booze of Las Vegas. It took a day to recover, but now I’m back to normal.

Anyway, every year my hair stylist gives me a gift for Christmas, which consists of hair products. Last Christmas, she gave me KMS Hair Gel. However, I didn’t have a chance to use it, since at about the same time I found the GREATEST HAIR GEL EVER!

Recently, I ran out of the GREATEST HAIR GEL EVER, so I was forced to use the KMS Hair Gel.

After a few days of using it, I found that the KMS Hair Gel broke my Three Laws of Hair Gel: (1) Must smell good. (2) Stiffness must last significantly longer than Levitra. (3) Must not flake and make it appear like I have REALLY bad dandruff.

The GREATEST HAIR GEL EVER met all of these qualifications with flying colors, but unfortunately the KMS Hair Gel failed badly at all three. First, it had this weird chemical smell. Second, the stiffness disappeared quickly, just like when I got caught masturbating by my mom. Finally, it made my hair look like I took a walk while it was snowing. Unfortunately, here in the middle of the Pacific Ocean it doesn’t snow, so no one will think it’s snow.

So after a few days of limp, chemical-smelling hair with white flakes, I frantically headed over to my hair stylist like I was a crackhead or a Walmart shopper waiting to buy a $30 DVD player. I bought more of the GREATEST HAIR GEL EVER and promised it that I would never stray again.

Now before I found out how crappy the KMS Hair Gel was, I wanted to give my hair stylist something in return for the gift she gave me. I thought about a few things I could give her, but I felt those things weren’t appropriate, since they were in my wet dreams. Also, I wasn’t going to spend money, because as many of you know, I’m a cheap bastard.

So I decided to write and perform a song for her, which I called, “The Sexiest Man Alive.”

(Note: I REALLY suck at playing the guitar and I REALLY have a horrible singing voice.)

The Sexiest Man Alive

Can I get a Mohawk, just like Mr. T?
I’ll use 1-800-C-O-L-L-E-C-T.
I’ll buy some gold chains and pity the fool.
I can help people save a buck or two.

You could shave off all my hair, just like that.
I would look like Homer Simpson or Kojak.
I think I’d look rugged and I’d look mean,
But my head would burn without sunscreen

My hair is yours to do what you like.
My hair maybe a mess, but do what you can.
Don’t butcher it like I’m at Fantastic Sams.
Trim the top and cut short the sides.
Just make me the sexiest man alive.

I wanna look like MC Hammer in 1990?
Shave in some lines and words and make it shiny.
I’ll sing “Can’t Touch This” and learn to dance.
And I’ll even buy some baggy sequence pants.

I think I’d like a bowl haircut instead.
Is there a bowl big enough to fit on my head?
Just put the bowl on and I’ll have it made.
It’s the same haircut I had in the second grade.

My hair is yours to do what you like.
If I wanted dreadlocks, you won’t make a fuss.
You’re a billion times better than Supercuts.
Turn my hair blond or make it dyed.
Just make me the sexiest man alive.

Would you give me a perm if I asked?
I’ve never had to wear a shower cap.
Wonder what it’s like to have some curls?
I think I would probably look like a little girl.

Braiding my hair into cornrolls, is that okay?
I wanna look like I play in the NBA.
It takes a lot of time, but could you do it please.
I know it won’t look right because I’m Japanese.

My hair is yours to do what you like.
No Flowbee could do what you can.
Like prevent me from looking stupid cutting my hair with a vacuum in my hand.
Put some hair gel on and after it’s dried.
Just maybe I’ll be the sexiest man alive.

Item: KMS Hair Stay Styling Gel
Purchase Price: FREE
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: It was free.
Cons: Hold doesn’t last. Flakes easily. Chemical smell. WORST HAIR GEL EVER!!!