REVIEW: Tootsie Pops Spy Stix

spystix

So how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop Spy Stix?

Let see…One…Two…Oh, yeah baby you like that?

(Bow chica. Bow chica.)

You like how I lick it?

You want more, Ms. Angelina Jolie?

Say my name.

Who’s your daddy?

(Tap on shoulder)

What! Don’t bother me while I pretend to make out with Angelina Jolie!

The Spy Stix is phallic?

DAMMIT!

I LOVE BOOBIES! I LOVE BOOBIES! I LOVE ANGELINA JOLIE!

When I first saw the commercial for the Tootsie Pop Spy Styx, I thought they were pretty cool. It’s just like Tootsie Pops, except in a stick form and in a neato plastic case. Just slide the candy out with a lever, take a few licks, then slide it in, close the container, and store it for later.

I picked one up from the convenience store down the street and paid $1.35 for it, which is about the same price of THREE regular Tootsie Pops and way more expensive than most of the other candy on the shelf. I figured that if I’m paying that much, I should expect some big things from it.

However, when I opened it up and slid the candy out from the case, I was so disappointed. It was like expecting an iPod for Christmas, but getting a used Spanish dubbed VHS copy of Spice World that also needed to be rewound (It’s the new lump of black coal).

One of the biggest problems with the Spy Stix was the fact I couldn’t eat all of the candy, which there wasn’t much to begin with. The lever doesn’t allow all of the candy to be extended out. So there’s this small bit of candy that you can’t reach and there’s no way I’m sticking my tongue down the case’s opening to try and lick it. Getting my tongue stuck in something is not going to happen again.

Another problem was the neato candy retracting case, which turned out to be not so neato. After taking a few licks of the Spy Styx, I retracted the candy into the case, but it got stuck when I wanted to extend it again for a few more licks. However, after messing with the lever for a few moments, I could extend it again.

Finally, this last problem you already read. It makes a bad replacement for an imaginary girlfriend. Although, it would make a great replacement for an imaginary boyfriend.

Well I guess I’m going to have to stick with making out with my pillow for now.

The Tootsie Pop Spy Stix is such a horrible product that I’m going to give it the Impulsive Buy’s first-ever ZERO RATING.

Take that for messing up my pretend make out session with Angelina Jolie!

Item: Tootsie Pops Spy Stix
Purchase Price: $1.35
Rating: 0 out of 10
Pros: Retractable candy in convenient flip top case.
Cons: Waaay overpriced. Sometimes candy is hard to retract. Packaging makes it hard to eat all of it. Bad replacement for imaginary girlfriend. Still don’t know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop Spy Stix. I guess the world may never know.

13 thoughts on “REVIEW: Tootsie Pops Spy Stix

  1. Pingback: The Impulsive Buy
  2. This is some of the freaking FUNNIEST STUFF I have ever read. You make me Laugh Out Loud and write the entire word to show you I’m doing it! There is no finer compliment than the cyber use of words in their entirety. I’ve paid you with valuable time and typing skill. Never stop, you rock.

  3. Wait, how does this differ from a Push Pop sucker? Where the hell is the tootsie pop? Ah, screw it, I never liked Tootsie Pops anyways.

  4. Sadly, it appears that Marvo’s a bit TOO adept at his… er… “Angelia Jolie Makeout Session”. Just look at that expression on Mr. Sour Apple Spy Stix’s face.

    Regardless, this is a hi-larious website. Keep up the good work.

  5. Tara – I just like saying BOOBIES. BOOBIES. BOOBIES.

    Anne – Use your pillow, it’s cheaper.

    Dawn – Luckily I chose green (sour apple) over purple (raspberry), because purple would’ve made it a little too phallic.

    Bad Penny – Thank you for taking seconds of your life to write out words. To show my appreciation, I’ve just spent seconds to write you this wonderful reply. Thanks again.

    Aymie – Push Pops are waaaay better.

    Brad – OH, DUDE!!! I licked Mr. Sour Apple! DAMN!!! I LOVE BOOBIES!!!

  6. You have saved me money and disappointment. I am a sucker for weird candy (sorry for the bad pun), but now I can just save my $1.35 for Nerds Rope.

  7. Mimi – Pull down on lever, candy goes up. Push up lever, candy goes down.

    Chase – Thank goodness.

    akiko – Um….

    kimdog – Nerds Rope?! Gotta find me those.

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