Full Throttle

Full Throttle

(Editor’s Note: It’s Day Four of Reader Request Week here at the Impulsive Buy and today’s review request come from Impulsive Buy stalker, akiko. She called me to find out if the Impulsive Buy could review the new Full Throttle energy drink. I said sure. Then I asked her, how she got my phone number and she said, “I’m a stalker, it’s what I do.” Enjoy.)

Today at the Impulsive Buy, we are going to tell you the steps to make your own energy drink.

Step One: You need a name for it. Something that signifies power and energy, like the names Red Bull, Monster, and Adrenaline do for their respective energy drinks. Maybe something like “Kick Ass,” “Aggro,” or “Steroids in a Can.”

Also, avoid names that sound like they would make a good name for a cologne.

Step Two: Sell it in a can that is smaller than normal or larger than normal. Most sodas come in a 12-ounce can, but energy drinks come in either a slightly larger 16-ounce can or a slightly smaller 8.4-ounce can. Preferably, sell it in an 8.4-ounce can and charge the same amount as your competitors’ 16-ounce can. If Red Bull can do that, why can’t you.

Also, the can should be predominantly black, because black is the new black.

Step Three: Put a cool graphic on your can. Preferably something that would look good as a tattoo. Hopefully, someone would be stupid enough, or drunk/high enough, to actually get a tattoo of your cool graphic. This way you’ll get free advertising from them for life, or until they decide to get rid of it via laser removal.

Step Four: The energy drink must have items you’ll find in a Chinese herb shop, like guarana and ginseng. Do not add items from Jamaican herb shop.

Step Five: Say, “Screw you, Dr. Atkins!” and add lots of carbohydrates and sugar.

Step Six: Make sure your energy drink is greenish, because almost every energy drink comes in some shade of green. No one knows why it’s like this, but I believe it has something to do with the Incredible Hulk.

Step Seven: Add as much caffeine as the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) will legally allow you. Enough to keep a college student awake while cramming for an exam, but not enough to make you as anxious as a crack whore.

Hopefully, if you follow these seven steps, you’ll end up with an energy drink that will be drowned out by the dozens of other energy drinks out in the market today.

This was the case with the Full Throttle energy drink, which was created by the same folks who’ve given us such great products as Coke, Vanilla Coke, Diet Coke, and other sodas with the word “Coke” in it.

If it weren’t for the Full Throttle advertising sticker on one of the doors of the convenience store’s refrigerated case, I wouldn’t have noticed them in between all the other energy drinks with their predominantly black cans and graphics that would make good tattoos.

After trying Full Throttle, I have to say there’s hardly any taste difference between it and any of the other energy drinks I’ve tasted. They all basically have almost the same citrus flavor.

Well, at least it came in a larger than normal can, instead of a smaller than normal can.


Item: Full Throttle
Purchase Price: $1.99
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Vitamin B6. Larger than normal can. Caffeine. Graphic on can would make an awesome tattoo, minus the “Energy Drink” part.
Cons: Typical energy drink. Tastes very similar to other energy drinks.

10 thoughts on “Full Throttle

  1. Heh. It looks like they used Strong Bad for their inspiration.

    It also looks devilish/Satanic, like a graphic on an 80s heavy metal hair band album cover.

  2. Failed energy drink names:
    Hydrochloric Lion semen
    Extreme Cannoning drink
    Roid Raggin
    Floral Hawaiian shirt wearin juice
    Cambodian Freedom fighter fluid

  3. You want a compelling name for this fancied up sugar-water, I’ll give you one:

    BAAAAAAAAAD-ASS MOTHER 4000!

    Watch my wallet getting fatter.

  4. Peggasus – Yeah, it does looks kind of Quiet Riot/Def Leppard/Poison/Warrant/Twisted Sister-ish.

    Ayesha97 – So the fur coat, top hat, cane, blinged-out goblet, and the stable of women I have doesn’t automatically make me a pimp?

    Scott – I can see why they failed. BTW, you’ve got a damn funny blog.

    Webmiztris – Also, the country of Colombia would be a whole lot richer. Okay, not the whole country, just the drug lords.

    Pimme – Are you sure it wasn’t turpentine? I once got tricked into drinking “Mountain Dew.”

    CT – Yeah, your idea for a name is better, but harder to fit on an 8.4-ounce can.

  5. Heh heh… thanks for reviewing the drink.

    BTW Peggasus, Strong Bad!!! Soooo funny, my favorite is the techno music one =) hahaha.

    - your favorite “stalker”

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