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Del Monte Carb Clever Sliced Pears
By Marvo | March 10, 2005
(Dialing phone number on magic glowing red phone that’s on fire)
(Phone ringing)
HITLER: Guten Tag.
MARVO: Hey, Adolf, it’s Marvo.
HITLER: Ahhh, Marvo! How’s it hanging?
MARVO: Pretty good. So how’s Hell treating you?
HITLER: You know, there are good days and there are bad days, but mostly bad days. So what is up with this unexpected phone call?
MARVO: I was just wondering what the weather is like in Hell today.
HITLER: What’s the weather like in Hell? Is this some kind of sick joke, Marvo? You know I don’t like jokes, especially when I’m the butt of the joke. You don’t want to make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
MARVO: Um…I’m s-s-sorry.
HITLER: Ha! Just kidding. You’re so gullible, Marvo. Hey, did you notice I totally ripped off that last line from the Incredible Hulk?
MARVO: Uh, no.
HITLER: Anyway, the weather here in Hell? Let me look outside my window.
(Hitler looks outside of window)
HITLER: It’s hot, like it always is.
MARVO: So hell hasn’t frozen over?
HITLER: Pffff…Hell frozen over? Are you drunk right now?
MARVO: No.
HITLER: High?
MARVO: No.
HITLER: Why are you asking me such a silly question?
MARVO: Well you know this low-carb craze we have here?
HITLER: Oh, don’t remind me about low-carb foods. It’s one of the ways they torture us here in Hell. First, they torture us with flaming whips. Then our limbs get pulled off by four Hellbeasts. Then they give us a low-carb meal. Then they make us watch the Tony Danza Show without eyelids so we can’t close our eyes. Anyway, as you were saying…
MARVO: Well I’ve been eating all of these low-carb foods to review for the Impulsive Buy and all of them so far have been pretty crappy.
HITLER: So far?
MARVO: Yeah…I just tried these Del Monte Carb Clever Sliced Pears and they, surprisingly, turned out to be pretty good. They’re almost as good as any other regular can of sliced pears I’ve had.
HITLER: Get out of here!
MARVO: No, seriously. They were sweet and they were good, but I think the Splenda had something to do with its sweetness.
HITLER: You mean, Splenblah.
MARVO: Yes, Splenblah. So that’s why I wanted to know what the weather was like in Hell. I thought it froze over because the Carb Clever Sliced Pears were actually good.
HITLER: You know, “hell freezing over” is just a saying. You shouldn’t take it literally. If all these sayings were true, I would’ve broken my mother’s back hundreds of times for stepping on hundreds of cracks. Plus, I would probably have hairy palms.
MARVO: I didn’t have to hear that last example.
HITLER: Sorry. So these Carb Clever Sliced Pears are good?
MARVO: Yeah.
HITLER: Maybe I can convince Lucifer to add it to our low-carb meals.
MARVO: Hey, good luck with that.
HITLER: Anyway, so I’ll be seeing you in about 40 to 60 years?
MARVO: Probably.
HITLER: Auf wiedersehen.
MARVO: Bye.
Item: Del Monte Carb Clever Sliced Pears
Purchase Price: $1.00 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Surprisingly good. Low-calorie. Fat-free. Lots of Vitamin C. Tastes almost like regular canned pears. Low-carb (I can’t believe it’s actually a positive this time)
Cons: Splenda. “Carb Clever” is a lame product name, alliteration doesn’t work well here.
Filed Under: Food | | 15 Comments »
March 10th, 2005 at 4:12 AM
I think this is your best review yet dear clever boy!
March 10th, 2005 at 4:59 AM
I love reviews like this!! I will have to try these pears.
March 10th, 2005 at 6:24 AM
HOLY CRAP!!! You found one. You hit Yatzee. This is a Festivus miracle. I think I might actually try the pears. I agree I think this is your best review. Next to the Girl Scout Cookie review that is my favorite. Congrats on finally finding a low carb food that you like.
March 10th, 2005 at 9:21 AM
I’d try them, but I hate pears. Anyway Marvo…good review. How about reviewing something BAD for us now? What is it FOX says? Fair & Balanced!
March 10th, 2005 at 9:32 AM
Carb Cleaver would have been a better name. Like ‘cutting out the carbs with a cleaver”? LOL! I’m so funny in a lame way.
March 10th, 2005 at 11:36 AM
FoFuSa – Thank you. My good review/crappy review ratio has now improved to 1 to 135.
Goldberry – So you don’t like the pornstar references? I thought everyone likes pornstar references. :-)
becky – Sweeeet! Seinfeld reference! Thanks for the compliment. :-)
Aymie’s Mom – What? Low-carb foods AREN’T bad for us? They’re bad tasting. (except these pears)
Webmiztris – No, you’re just flat out funny in every way. Word.
March 10th, 2005 at 2:37 PM
Great Review.
Glad You Finally Found A Low Carb Food That Is Actually Good.
March 10th, 2005 at 3:05 PM
Hey – I like them when I catch them. I guess I missed it. Hope I didn’t bring you down…
March 10th, 2005 at 5:10 PM
Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!
March 10th, 2005 at 5:39 PM
Yo…be prepared for an influx of readers and a spike in your bandwidth… Wil Wheaton mentioned you on his blog today… Yay!
March 10th, 2005 at 8:07 PM
Damon – Thanks, man. Yeah, I can’t believe I found one too. Hopefully, this isn’t the last one.
Goldberry – Naw, but I’ll put in more pornstar references just for you. :-)
priss – Yeeeeeessss!!!
Thumper – WIL WHEATON!!! HOLY CRAP!!! Did I piss him off or something? ;-) I thought he did a good job on CSI tonight.
March 10th, 2005 at 8:16 PM
Naw…he found the review you did on Just A geek…He was totally stoked!
March 11th, 2005 at 3:47 PM
Thumper – Cool beans. :-)
March 12th, 2005 at 9:24 PM
Fabulous review, Marvo! It’s a keeper! And I see you’re playing with the Big Boys now (Marvo aka Pal of Wil Wheaton) – bravo. Makes me want to eat the pears just in your honor.
March 13th, 2005 at 11:32 PM
Mellie – I don’t think his readers noticed, I think they were more interested in reading about his appearance on CSI, which was kind of cool to watch.