(Dialing phone number on magic glowing red phone thatâ€™s on fire)
HITLER: Guten Tag.
MARVO: Hey, Adolf, itâ€™s Marvo.
HITLER: Ahhh, Marvo! Howâ€™s it hanging?
MARVO: Pretty good. So howâ€™s Hell treating you?
HITLER: You know, there are good days and there are bad days, but mostly bad days. So what is up with this unexpected phone call?
MARVO: I was just wondering what the weather is like in Hell today.
HITLER: Whatâ€™s the weather like in Hell? Is this some kind of sick joke, Marvo? You know I donâ€™t like jokes, especially when Iâ€™m the butt of the joke. You donâ€™t want to make me angry. You wouldnâ€™t like me when Iâ€™m angry.
MARVO: Um…Iâ€™m s-s-sorry.
HITLER: Ha! Just kidding. Youâ€™re so gullible, Marvo. Hey, did you notice I totally ripped off that last line from the Incredible Hulk?
MARVO: Uh, no.
HITLER: Anyway, the weather here in Hell? Let me look outside my window.
(Hitler looks outside of window)
HITLER: Itâ€™s hot, like it always is.
MARVO: So hell hasnâ€™t frozen over?
HITLER: Pffff…Hell frozen over? Are you drunk right now?
HITLER: Why are you asking me such a silly question?
MARVO: Well you know this low-carb craze we have here?
HITLER: Oh, donâ€™t remind me about low-carb foods. Itâ€™s one of the ways they torture us here in Hell. First, they torture us with flaming whips. Then our limbs get pulled off by four Hellbeasts. Then they give us a low-carb meal. Then they make us watch the Tony Danza Show without eyelids so we canâ€™t close our eyes. Anyway, as you were saying…
MARVO: Well Iâ€™ve been eating all of these low-carb foods to review for the Impulsive Buy and all of them so far have been pretty crappy.
HITLER: So far?
MARVO: Yeah…I just tried these Del Monte Carb Clever Sliced Pears and they, surprisingly, turned out to be pretty good. Theyâ€™re almost as good as any other regular can of sliced pears Iâ€™ve had.
HITLER: Get out of here!
MARVO: No, seriously. They were sweet and they were good, but I think the Splenda had something to do with its sweetness.
HITLER: You mean, Splenblah.
MARVO: Yes, Splenblah. So thatâ€™s why I wanted to know what the weather was like in Hell. I thought it froze over because the Carb Clever Sliced Pears were actually good.
HITLER: You know, â€œhell freezing overâ€ is just a saying. You shouldnâ€™t take it literally. If all these sayings were true, I wouldâ€™ve broken my motherâ€™s back hundreds of times for stepping on hundreds of cracks. Plus, I would probably have hairy palms.
MARVO: I didnâ€™t have to hear that last example.
HITLER: Sorry. So these Carb Clever Sliced Pears are good?
HITLER: Maybe I can convince Lucifer to add it to our low-carb meals.
MARVO: Hey, good luck with that.
HITLER: Anyway, so Iâ€™ll be seeing you in about 40 to 60 years?
HITLER: Auf wiedersehen.
Item: Del Monte Carb Clever Sliced Pears
Purchase Price: $1.00 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Surprisingly good. Low-calorie. Fat-free. Lots of Vitamin C. Tastes almost like regular canned pears. Low-carb (I canâ€™t believe itâ€™s actually a positive this time)
Cons: Splenda. â€œCarb Cleverâ€ is a lame product name, alliteration doesnâ€™t work well here.