Yoplait Strawberry-Banana Healthy Heart Yogurt

Written by | March 25, 2005

Topics: Food

Healthy Heart

I was going to see how helpful the new Yoplait Strawberry-Banana Healthy Heart yogurt was with lowering my cholesterol and making my heart healthy, but there’s no way one container of yogurt could significantly help lower my cholesterol and…HOLY CRAP, have you seen the needle they use to suck the blood out of you for a cholesterol blood test?

The last time I needed a blood test, that long-ass needle made me cry like a little baby. I don’t know how the hell heroin addicts do it.

So instead of checking if the Yoplait Healthy Heart could help give me a healthy heart, I decided to find out if it could mend my broken heart. However, it wasn’t as broken as it was about a year ago, so for more accurate results I had to find a way to break my heart even more.

This turned out to be a problem.

I thought about stalking an ex-girlfriend, but I didn’t want the hassle of ANOTHER restraining order.

Or I could’ve found a woman, used my patented Marvo charm, have her fall in love with me, screw up by not opening up emotionally to her, and then have her break up with me. However, that takes too much time and my patented Marvo charm hardly ever works.

Eventually, I found something that could rip out my heart and shove it down my throat.

I found a picture that I took of me with my ex-girlfriend, which I tore up when we broke up, put back together with Scotch tape when I started missing her, scanned it into my computer, printed it with my photo printer, put it through a paper shredder after I ran into her at the movie theater with her new boyfriend, put it back together with clear contact paper when I was lonely one night, scanned it into my computer, printed it with my photo printer, crumpled it up after I ran into her at the mall, and threw it into my closet.

Actually, I thought I burned the damn thing. Well I might as well put it to good use before I burn it and piss on it.

So to break my heart even more, I stared at the picture. I looked at her beautiful smile. Her beautiful seductive eyes. Her soft, wonderful-smelling hair. Her silky smooth skin. Her soft kissable lips.

WHYYYYYYY???

I LOVE YOU!!!

I MISS YOU SOOOO MUCH!!!

PLEASE COME BACK TO ME!!!

I PROMISE I’LL MAKE YOU HAPPY!!!

I PROMISE I’LL BE A BETTER LOVER!!! I’LL TAKE ENZYTE!!!

I PROMISE I’LL GO DOWN ON YOU MORE!!!

Staring at the picture worked, my heart broke even more and I began to cry like someone just stuck a needle in me for a blood test.

WHYYYYYYY???

After blowing my nose, I started eating the Yoplait Strawberry-Banana Healthy Heart yogurt. I ate the whole thing in about 30 seconds, then I followed that with half a pint of ice cream, a couple of Pop-Tarts, half a can of Pringles, and several glasses of chocolate milk.

I MISS YOU SOOOO MUCH!!!

The Yoplait Strawberry-Banana Healthy Heart yogurt tasted a little different than the same flavor of regular Yoplait yogurt. Although, it still tasted good. The only real difference between the Healthy Heart yogurt and the regular Yoplait yogurt are the plant sterols (No, not steroids, sterols), which are added to the Healthy Heart yogurt to help lower your cholesterol.

GIVE ME ONE MORE CHANCE!!!

Unfortunately, it didn’t help heal my broken heart. So I burned the picture and pissed on it, and that made me feel a little better.

Although, about thirty minutes later I was feeling lonely and I wondered if I could bring back the picture using the ashes and alchemy?


Item: Yoplait Strawberry-Banana Healthy Heart Yogurt
Purchase Price: 55 cents (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tastes a little different than regular Yoplait Strawberry-Banana yogurt, but still tastes good. Same price as regular Yoplait yogurt. Helps lower cholesterol with plant sterols. Low-fat. High-protein. Vitamins A & D. Live & active cultures.
Cons: Unable to mend broken hearts. Long-ass needles. WHYYYYYY??? PLEASE COME BACK TO ME!!! Patented Marvo charm.






21 Comments For This Post I'd Love to Hear Yours!

  1. Thumper says:

    Tsk. Men. I just had my cholesterol checked and they had to poke me THREE times with the long assed needle, and when they got it in, they dig around searching for veins that rolled out of the way, and created these huge massive bruises and hematomas (hemotomi?) I did not cry once. The tech however, was crying like a baby when I kicked him in the groin during that third needle stick…

    (ok, I did not kick him but I wanted to.)
    (yeah.it does smart a bit, whent hey’re digging around.)

    And I need to start eating this yogurt cause my cholesterol is too high, even with eating oatmeal every fricking day…

  2. marvo says:

    Thumper – I’ve been thinking about it, and I guess it’s better than getting punched in the nose and collecting the blood that drips down from it. As for bringing your cholesterol down, you might want to try Metamucil. My cholesterol was at 240, but after eating a little bit healthier, exercising more, and drinking Metamucil, I brought it down to 185.

    As with all medical advice I give here at The Impulsive Buy, please consult a doctor, because sometimes I don’t know what I’m talking about.

  3. shannon says:

    hematomi….that is a grea word :)

  4. Damon says:

    Yoplait Custard Style Banana is Great if you never tried it.
    I wonder how many/how long it would take for this Yogurt to actually lower your cholesterol?
    Or if it would even work at all?

  5. Jacob says:

    Speaking of bruises, I posted a couple pics of my latest blood donation bruise. I don’t know if I have you beat, but it’s a pretty bad bruise from the stupid nurse that poked me wrong.

  6. Toni says:

    Puh, blood drawing needles are so small compared to IV needles. Have you seen those things? They’re made out of PLASTIC, for God’s sake! I had the pleasure of being stuck by then over and over and over and over again when I had my scoliosis surgeries 10 years ago. At least when they draw blood, it’s from veins in the arm, which has lots of muscle and doesn’t hurt. I’ve found the hard way that needles hurt the most when you stick them close to bony areas, like the top of your hand, or the side of your wrist. NOW that’s pain.

  7. An orange says:

    This was so funny that I can’t even explain how funny it is. Great blog.

  8. marvo says:

    Master Foley – Sugar-free frozen yogurt…Bleh! Yogurt…Not so bad. Plain yogurt…Bleh! Qbert…Pretty fun in the 80s.

    shannon – Interdenominalization…That is a long word. :-)

    Damon – Nope, haven’t tried the Custard-Style yet, but I’m a sucker for anything with bananas. I think it will probably work…with regular exercise and a healthy diet. I think it’s mandatory to add that last part, when talking about products that help you lose weight or lower cholesterol.

    Jacob – Do you cry like a baby? If not, I have you beat.

    Toni – LALALALALALA I’M NOT LISTENING!!! LALALALALALA

    An orange – Thanks for the compliment. BTW, there’s nothing funny about me crying like a little baby. :-)

  9. Damon says:

    Yea now day’s people expect to go out and buy Food/Pills That Claim all this stuff, yet fail to read the fine print that says “With Diet and Exercise”
    Then they get mad when nothing works because they sat around all day eating Ice Cream and Potato Chips!

    I think I will try this yogurt for a while and if it doesn’t lower my cholesterol I will do like everyone else does and sue Yoplait…..lol

  10. marvo says:

    Damon – Then when you get your money, you can buy a Bowflex, a personal trainer, or a mansion with a moat.

  11. Damon says:

    When I get my Money I will Buy Yoplait.
    Free Banana Yogurt For Everyone!!!

  12. marvo says:

    Damon – Sweet!!!

  13. rfduck says:

    I’m afraid to think of what you’ll do to the picture next time now that you’ve burned it AND pissed on it.

  14. marvo says:

    rfduck – I don’t know how I’ll put the photo back together again when I start missing my ex-girlfriend again, but if I do, I’m going to probably run over it with my car, then attach it to a piece of raw piece of meat and feed it to a dog, then after the dog goes dookie, I take the poop and stick it in a brown paper bag, place the bag on the doorstep of someone I dislike, set the bag on fire with a lighter, knock on the door, run away, and watch the person I dislike stomp the fire out with their foot.

  15. Peggasus says:

    That must be a typo. ‘Patented Marvo charm’ would certainly go in the ‘Pro’ column.

    Also, you could have gotten that cheaper. Yoplait coupons are all over the Sunday paper supplements.

    Like Damon said, the custard style is good. But stay away from the ‘Whips.’ Those suck. Unless, of course, you were to review them…..

  16. Damon says:

    Peggasus- Yea Those “Whips” Are Horrible. The texture is just plain nasty.

  17. marvo says:

    Peggasus – I would use coupons, but I can’t remember to use them. I’ll stick the coupons into my pocket, but I’ll totally forget that they’re there. Eventually, I end up washing them, whenever I wash my clothes.

    NO, I will NOT get a coupon purse.

  18. Chana says:

    Anything supposed to be that healthy can’t be good for you.

  19. marvo says:

    Chana – Well I really wished it healed my broken heart. If it did, I would’ve bought a whole lot more of it, and then bought Yoplait stock, or whatever the parent company is.

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