Ever since I heard about the Hardeeâ€™s Monster Thickburger, Iâ€™ve been bitter about not having the opportunity to try one, since there arenâ€™t any Hardeeâ€™s here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. That bitterness slightly faded on Monday, after I read a story about the new Burger King Enormous Omelet Sandwich.
Okay, the Enormous Omelet Sandwich still pales in comparison with the Monster Thickburger and its 1,420 calories, 107 grams of fat, 229 milligrams of cholesterol, and 2,651 milligrams of sodium. However, the Enormous Omelet Sandwichâ€™s 730 calories, 47 grams of fat, 415 milligrams of cholesterol, and 1,860 milligrams of sodium would make any nutritionist or cardiologist cringe, like I do when I see a guy get kicked in the balls and whenever I see someone do Macarena.
So yesterday morning, I got up early and headed out the door to the Burger King down the street.
As I walked to the Burger King, a mini version of me suddenly appeared on my left shoulder, wearing a white suit and wings. â€œHoly crap!â€ he said to me. â€œWhat are you doing? I canâ€™t believe youâ€™re gonna buy that. Itâ€™s so unhealthy. It could be the last thing you eat in this world.â€
â€œBut if itâ€™s the last thing he eats, that would make one hell of a review,â€ said the mini version of me that suddenly appeared on my right shoulder, wearing a black suit with horns on his head.
â€œHow can he write a review when heâ€™s dead, moron!?!â€ the mini me in the white suit said.
â€œOh, come on, you pussy,â€ the mini me in the black suit snorted. â€œItâ€™s got almost the same amount of calories and fat as a Burger King Whopper. Heâ€™s eaten lots of Whoppers and heâ€™s still here.â€
â€œBut it also has FOUR times the cholesterol and almost twice the sodium of a Whopper. He doesnâ€™t need that much salt, heâ€™s not a frickinâ€™ horse,â€ the white suited mini me replied.
While those two argued, I walked into the Burger King and ordered an Enormous Omelet Sandwich.
â€œNOOOOOOO!!!!â€ the pure and innocent mini me screamed. The dark and evil mini me just laughed.
The person behind the counter asked if I wanted anything else. The dark mini me screamed, â€œHASH BROWNS!!!â€ and then disappeared. The innocent mini me yelled, â€œDEFIBRILLATOR!!!â€ and then also disappeared.
I said to the cashier, â€œNo, thatâ€™s all.â€
On my way back, I felt guilty about buying the sandwich, so I stopped by the convenience store that sells alcohol and cigarettes to minors, to pick up a bottle of apple juice, which I picked up because the antioxidants in the juice can help prevent damage from fatty foods and because it looks like beer.
The Enormous Omelet Sandwich consists of a toasted roll with two slices of American cheese, two layers of fluffy eggs, three strips of bacon, and a sausage patty. It looked like Burger King just joined two regular breakfast sandwiches together to form the Enormous Omelet Sandwich. In other words, it didnâ€™t look very spectacular.
As I took the first bite, I heard a faint, â€œNooooooo,â€ which might have been either my white suited mini me or my heart. I stopped for a second, shrugged my shoulders, and dug into the sandwich.
The sandwich was good, but there wasnâ€™t anything special about it. It tasted like any other breakfast sandwich with eggs and sausage. The bacon was almost nonexistent, because I could hardly taste it. The only thing the Enormous Omelet Sandwich really has going for itself is the fact that itâ€™s probably the biggest breakfast sandwich available.
My recommendation is, if you like angioplasty, eat an Enormous Omelet Sandwich every other day. If you donâ€™t like angioplasty, Iâ€™d recommend eating it just once, just so you can say you survived an Enormous Omelet Sandwich.
If you have a heart condition, heart disease, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, are extremely obese, are a vegan, jealous of things labeled enormous, or just watched the movie Babe, please do not eat the Enormous Omelet Sandwich.
Item: Burger King Enormous Omelet Sandwich
Purchase Price: $3.29 (sandwich only)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes good, but nothing really special about it. Possibly the biggest breakfast sandwich available.
Cons: Very high cholesterol and sodium. High fat and calories. Your conscience may bother you. Itâ€™s no Monster Thickburger.