Chewing gum. For some, itâ€™s a breath freshener. For others, itâ€™s way to tame their oral fixation. For MacGyver, with some duct tape and a Swiss Army knife, chewing gum can be used to save the day.
However, for most itâ€™s a way to freshen their breath, especially during instances when they eat garlic or onions, throw up after an evening of binge drinking, or make out with Courtney Love.
Recently, Impulsive Buy reader Lakitu emailed me to tell me about the new Extra Cool Green Apple chewing gum. Iâ€™m not a big fan of actual green apples, but Iâ€™m a big fan of artificially flavored green apple products, like candy, jelly beans, and sensual massage lotions, so I knew Iâ€™d probably like it.
Laiktu also told me she picked up the Extra Cool Green Apple gum from the community-destroying, traffic-causing superstore behemoth.
â€œGreat,â€ I thought to myself.
Hoping to come out with only a pack of gum and not fifty dollars worth of goods, I decided to try out my patent pending Walmart Abstinence System for Totally Excessive Spending, or W.A.S.T.E.S. for short.
The concept of W.A.S.T.E.S. is simple. Leave all your credit cards, debit cards, and checkbooks at home, and take only enough money for the product you plan to purchase. Unfortunately, I didnâ€™t know how much the pack of gum was going to cost, so I put two dollars into my wallet.
That was a bad idea, because the gum was only 88 cents, leaving me with over a dollar to spend freely, which ended up being two candy bars.
DAMN YOU WALMART!!! DAMN YOU!!!
As soon as I got into my car, I opened the the pack of gum and pulled out a stick. The Extra Cool Green Apple gum smelled nice and tasted good. When you first chew on it, thereâ€™s a quick minty bite, but the rest of it was all green apple, baby!
It was nice to chew on a different flavor of gum than the usually minty and cinnamon gums I chew.
Like all Extra gums, the flavor lasted for a while. However, after spitting the gum out, the taste lingered in my mouth for hours after. I donâ€™t know if thatâ€™s a good thing or a bad thing. However, what Iâ€™m about to point out next may make it a bad thing.
Besides telling me about the Extra Cool Green Apple gum and letting me know where to find it, Lakitu also mentioned to me that it made her breath smell like pakalolo. For those of you who donâ€™t live on these rocks in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, â€œpakaloloâ€ is the local term for marijuana.
The smell from someone smoking weed is a very distinct smell and once you smell it, youâ€™ll never forget it. People donâ€™t call it â€œstink weedâ€ for nothing.
While chewing on a piece of Extra Cool Green Apple gum, I tried to smell my breath by cupping my hands over my mouth and nose. Unfortunately, I couldnâ€™t detect the smell of Mary Jane, so I figured Lakitu was just messing with my gullible mind or sheâ€™s been smoking a little bit of the endo.
However, a few days later I went to watch the movie Kung Fu Hustle with a couple of friends and I gave a piece of Extra Cool Green Apple gum to them at the beginning of the movie. I swear, at several points throughout the movie it smelled like someone was smoking a fatty.
So maybe Lakitu was right.
Anyway, even if it might make your breath smell like weed, Iâ€™d recommend the Extra Cool Green Apple gum. It’s good stuff.
Item: Extra Cool Green Apple Gum
Purchase Price: 88 cents
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Pretty damn good. Different than the usual minty Extra gum. Sugarfree.
Cons: Taste stays in mouth for hours after. May make your breath smell like you smoked weed.