Burger King Tendercrisp Garden Salad

Burger King Tendercrisp Garden Salad

How many of you remember the McDLT?

For those of you who weren’t born yet, too young to remember, or have been boycotting McDonald’s because of their globalization efforts, the McDLT was a burger in a treehugger-gasping styrofoam container with two compartments.

This special container kept the “hot side hot” and the “cool side cool,” which is the same way I like to separate my underwear. The “hot” thongs and silk French-cut briefs go in one drawer and the “cool” boxers, boxer briefs, Underoos, and elephant trunk crotch briefs go in another drawer.

I don’t know why McDonald’s got rid of McDLT.

Oh wait, I do know. It was a retarded idea.

Anyway, Burger King seemed to have jumped on the “hot side hot, cool side cool” bandwagon about two decades late with their Tendercrisp Garden Salad. The cool side comes in the standard plastic bowl with a clear cover, while the hot side comes in a white plastic pouch.

Burger King calls this white plastic pouch, “The Pouch,” which is the most unoriginal name since “The Big Bulge,” which was the name I gave my elephant trunk crotch briefs.

The Tendercrisp Garden Salad contains hot chunks of breaded Tendercrisp chicken, which you pour from “The Pouch” on top of iceberg, Romaine, and spring lettuce, grape tomatoes, red onions, cucumbers, Parmesan cheese shavings, and garlic Parmesan toast (croutons). Then to top off all of that is a Garden Ranch dressing.

When I received my order, the salad came in a clear plastic bag specifically made for Burger King salads. It sort of made me feel special. Although I have to admit, clear plastic bags are great for fast food salads, but for privacy reason, bad for the dozens of boxes of condoms purchased for your neighborhood orgy.

After taking my first bite of the Tendercrisp Garden Salad, I realized I forgot an important lesson about ranch dressing and Burger King food.

Just like the lessons of love and good style, I have yet to learn the lesson of avoiding any Burger King item that uses ranch dressing, because it isn’t very good. I’ve reviewed the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch and the Angus Bacon Cheddar Ranch and in both reviews I found that the ranch dressing didn’t have much taste.

The same can be said about the Garden Ranch dressing that came with the Tendercrisp Garden Salad.

Not even the plastic Burger King fork liked the salad. One of its prongs broke on one of the pieces of garlic Parmesan toast, which was probably the fork’s way of avoiding the salad.

Okay. Okay. The fork breaking was my fault, not the salad’s.

Anyway, maybe the salad might have tasted better with another dressing, but with the Garden Ranch dressing, it wasn’t very good.

Item: Burger King Tendercrisp Garden Salad
Purchase Price: $5.49
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Wide variety of vegetables. Colorful. Separate pouch for chicken. Special clear plastic bag made for Burger King salads.
Cons: The garlic Parmesan toast broke my plastic fork. Cool Garden Ranch dressing wasn’t very cool or very ranch-y. High sodium. High fat. The name “The Pouch.” The name “The Big Bulge.”

25 thoughts on “Burger King Tendercrisp Garden Salad

  1. The pouch would rather reinforce my opinion that it is not fresh. They could have at least wrapped the chicken in foil or something to make you think it was newly cooked.

  2. Wow. I did not know that McDonalds ever did that commerical and Jason Alexander must be so proud. I think that is the funniest yet worst commerical I have ever seen!! Thanks for posting the link. Anyway I have tried a salad from Burger King I am not sure which one but it had chicken in it that is all I remember and that it was probably the worst salad i have ever had. I didn’t like the flaky cheese. I think that is what did it in for me!!!

  3. Do they have neighborhood orgies much in Hawaii? Damn, I need to move. All we ever have here is neighborhood barbecues.

  4. After biting into a McD’s burger the other day and getting burned by the freaking microwaved pickle, I *miss* the McDLT. I *want* the cool stuff to stay cool. TGF Wendy’s…

  5. I hope that when arrested development comes back with the burger king comedy half hour next season they will feature this salad prominently.

  6. Even if the fork dying was your fault, I’m sure it was assisted suicide.
    A fast food salad is a sad comedown for a (plastic) respectible eating utensil.

    You have neighborhood orgies? ^.^ Hawaii is starting to sound better and better…
    Or is this a special, only Marvo’s neighborhood thing?

  7. Damn. ^ the anonymous up there is me!

    (My mouse moved on its own…. I swear its possessed)

  8. yeah, I agree, the McDLT was a great thing… keeping the veggies crisp, not soggy due to heat of the burger.

  9. gko – This is probably too much information, but I think I’m going to rename my elephant trunk crotch briefs, “Hot Meat in a Pouch.”

    Amy in GA – I wasn’t newly cooked, but it was newly microwaved.

    Becky – Although that commercial is better than his post-Seinfeld TV show, Bob Patterson.

    Chuck – I’ve never been invited to one, but I think porn video orgies are much better than neighborhood orgies.

    alex – I just think it was one of the worst fast food gimmicks ever.

    Lord Jezo – I usually point the camera at a downward angle, but I do also try different angles.

  10. Thumper – You know, I’ve also been burned by the frickin’ microwaved pickle. We should sue.

    herkimer – Eh, I don’t care about the salad, but I do care about Arrested Development.

    ~Moi~ – I can’t even have any orgy with one other person, so I think it would be pretty difficult to have a multiple partner orgy.

    Moosigal – Heh! You said meat! You said pouch! Heh!

    akiko – Separating works great for underwear, but not so great for burgers.

  11. McD *clap*clap* LT! That’s righteous. I really want that 3/4 length sleeve, vanilla soft-serve ice cream colored jacket. That would rock my world.

  12. I got this once as a change of pace (the monotony of college dining hall food dulls my instinctual food selection abilities) and, yeah, not that great. Also, maybe I’m just small, but all these salads are like way huge. I’m looking for a light lunch, not half a head of lettuce, most of a chicken breast and whatever else the chef felt like tossing on. Then again, almost all american restaurant portions are too big for me, so this may be a ‘me’ problem.

  13. I rather like the salad… A LOT bigger than some of the salads you get and actually can leave me feeling comfortably full.

  14. Thr4ll – You know what would look good with that jacket? A matching pair of pants, a pink t-shirt, and white shoes without socks. The Miami Vice look.

    Genny from the Burbs – You know, now that I think about it, the salad was kind of big and it was filling. But still, that ranch dressing has to go.

    The Cat – It was big and filling, but I think the chicken was the reason why it was filling. If it was just the vegetables, I don’t think it would’ve filled me up.

  15. I guess that’s better than calling your briefs the Enormous Omelet Sandwich.
    It’s got Meat, Eggs, and Cheese.

  16. You are so right about the Post Seinfeld Jason Alexander. Do you believe in the Seinfeld curse? Also have you seen the show that Larry David does on HBO Curb Your Enthusiam? It is great you should check it out if you haven’t yet since I thought you said once you are a Seinfeld fan.

  17. Ken – The Big Salad…(Insert salad tossing joke here).

    gko – No, actually I think that’s a better name. 🙂

    Becky – I like Curb Your Enthusiam, it’s very Seinfeld-ish, but I guess it would be since Larry David is starring in it.

  18. marvo, that sucks! they must give you a shitty brand of dressing out there on the rock…out here they give you Paul Newman’s Own Ranch Dressing with the salads and it’s delish!! well, at least they do with the bacon ranch tendercrisp salad – I don’t know about with the garden salad.

  19. Webmiztris – What? You get Paul Newman dressing and you’re in bumfuck nowhere. If only they built a bridge from here to the mainland.

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