Coke Zero

Coke Zero

Look Coke Zero, I know you’re going through some hard times right now with you being the new kid on the block, but calling yourself Coke Zero is not good for your self-esteem.

I’m worried about you, Coke Zero.

I know you’re trying to be popular, but I don’t know if the loner goth look with that black cap on your head and the red, white, and black label is good for you.

I’m sorry I have to tell you this, but it looks like you’re just a poser that went on a shopping spree at Hot Topic.

You don’t even have the black eyeliner!

How can you be goth without the black eyeliner?

Your older brother C2 tried to be popular and fit in with the low-carb crowd, but where is he now?

Nowhere.

I don’t see him around. Not even in the most vile places, like the hole-in-the-wall convenience stores, ghetto grocery stores, and Wal-Mart. He was a total failure and now he’s probably hanging out with that other total failure, Pepsi Edge. They’re probably figuring out how to make bongs out of each other.

I don’t want you to be a total failure.

Although, I have to admit, you don’t taste very good with your aspartame and acesulfame potassium. Your cousin, Diet Sprite Zero tasted a lot better. But at least you don’t taste like you’re trying to French Kiss the pinkness out of my tongue like your anorexic older sister Diet Coke does.

Look, we all go through phases. Just look at Madonna and all the phases she’s gone through, from the Queen of Pop to whore to actress to whore to crappy actress to mother to British to Kabbalah to Ester.

Heck, I’ve even gone through some phases. During my high school years, I wanted to be a rapper. I walked around with my LA Dodgers cap low, my hands around my crotch, I called people “Dogg,” and I wrote wack rhymes, like:

I got the skills to pay the bills,
when I write with the quills.
I drop ill rhymes that give thrills,
like a roller coaster on the first drop.
My rhymes will make your body rock.
And make all the honeys scream.
They’ll all call me the Asian Dream.


But later I realized that no matter how cool I thought I was, I really wasn’t cool and I never will be, no matter how hard I try.

(Editor’s Note: Our friends at The Message Whore also did a review for Coke Zero, which you can read here. Again, they beat me to review a cool new product. Someday, I’ll beat them. SOMEDAY!!!)


Item: Coke Zero
Purchase Price: $1.29 (20-ounces)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Doesn’t kill taste buds like Diet Coke, No calories. No carbs. No fat. Goth, if you’re into that.
Cons: No black eyeliner. My rhymin’ skills. Madonna’s fake British accent.

37 thoughts on “Coke Zero

  1. yeah, you’re right marvo, ESPECIALLY the audience wouldn’t be the winners… but, one of use would eventually start crying, and maybe curl up in the fetal position, and the first to do that, would be the ‘loser’ (note the quotes)…

  2. damn, why am I always the last to the table… anyhow I need to second (or third, or fourth) the Vanilla Cherry Dr. Pepper. I just bought a fridge pack of it today for 2 bucks. But it wasn’t diet, it was regular.

    Marvo I think you need a break from reviewing, you are starting to talk to your review products too much… by the way I think you should make your own soda company. Like Jones soda, just call it Marvo’s and you should put a different wack rhyme on each flavor.

  3. wired – If it really was Coke Zero, it would be free. I think I ripped off that idea from a commercial. Eh, your reasoning was better.

    Mellie Helen – I’ve been reading that Coke Zero is actually darker than regular Coke, but I don’t like label a soda. Soda is soda. Why can’t we all get along?

    Rhoda – Thanks!

    Stephanie – It’s wannabe Goth soda.

    Mr Jon teh Redth of Canadia – I would totally be the loser, because I cry at the littlest things, like seeing road kill.

    Bryan – You may think I talk to my review products too much, but I stroke them inappropriately even more.

  4. I was thinking about My Chemical Romance in connection to this product too! “I’m not okay….unless I’m drinking my Coke Zero”?

  5. Won’t be trying this, since I gave up sodas almost 3 weeks ago. (for good) But thanks for the Madonna laugh! Or should I say, Esther?

  6. I can’t believe there is such dislike for this drink! I’ve now had it – both in cans and in the 20 ounce bottle, and am pretty happy with it. I’m a diet coke addict – and I also drink diet sprite zero and diet dr. pepper with regularity. This tastes much more like C2 than diet coke to me – much sweeter than diet coke. I won’t drink it everyday because it feels like a aspartame overload, but it is nice to pair with something salty for sure. It has a bit of an aftertaste (especially as you get down to the bottom of the can when it starts to get warm), but no more so than other diet sodas out there.

  7. Man lots of hate here!!

    A brief Coke History lesson: (esp. for you Chuck)

    1. Coke was mad at Pepsi sales increase and wanted a new formula.
    2. After Testing several formulas, they found that the “people” were in love w/ Diet Coke w/ the Corn Syrup. (I would say Sugar, but that would be wrong)
    3. After people rejected New Coke (aka, Diet Coke w/ Corn Syrup), they returned to the “Classic”
    4. 20 years later: More and more people are buying diet drinks, but there is a large segment (myself included) that HATE Diet Coke.
    5. Solution: Make a Zero Calorie cola that is based on….. Coke “Classic”
    6. Now by not getting rid of the old Diet Coke, which does have its fanbase, it gets a larger market share of the Diet Soda drinking population and doesn’t fall back on its past mistakes.

    Hooray for business!!

    More info: http://www.snopes.com/cokelore/newcoke.asp

  8. Goth! HAHAHAHAHA!! That is hilarious. I’m sure Coke Zero is in his bedroom cutting his arms and crying to a Nightwish album, and cursing Evanescence for being so damn good! Sellouts!!

  9. you crack me up! it DOES look goth! hey, it’s gotta be better than Pepsi Clear; right? I actually really like Diet Coke, so maybe I’d like it? I’ll have to try it I guess.

  10. rfduck – If Marilyn Manson stood next to a gigantic Coke Zero, I don’t think I could tell the difference. Unless Marilyn Manson was wearing his man boobs.

    nat – Oh, how can you quit the sweet, carbonated, caffeinated nectar that flows through my body, providing me with sustenance needed to survive the daily grind of surfing the internet. Oh…maybe I need to quit too.

    LNH – If there was actual coke (as in cocaine), I think there would be less dislike for it. Actually, I think it would be so popular that people would break into stores for it. ;-)

    7Towers – Thanks for dropping the knowledge. :-)

    Robert – Probably hates Green Day because he thinks they are sellouts.

    Webmiztris – Actually, Crystal Pepsi wasn’t that bad. Was it? Oh, it’s been so long since I’ve tried it. Maybe I should buy some on eBay.

  11. For those not sure to try Coke Zero follow this guideline
    If you consume and enjoy diet soda. Then go ahead and give it a try.
    If diet sodas disgust you. Then stay away from this product.
    I fit into the second category and find that Coke Zero taste similar to C2 but with a weak diet taste.

    The worst thing you can do immediately after drinking a soda is to brush your teeth. The enamel gets softened from the soda and then the toothbrush tears at it like a rugburn tearing at your skin.
    The sodas listed here in order starting with worst for the teeth clear or near clear (Sprite, Mountain Dew), Cola, Root Beer.

    However, Marvo if you mess up your teeth too much you can always get them capped Bling! Bling! For your career as a rapper. Better yet take care of the teeth you have.

  12. YOU ARE ALL MISSING THE POINTS!

    1 – Coke Zero tastes like COKE. ~Real~, ~honest-to-God-30-freakin’-years-ago REAL Coke! Diet Coke doesn’t, never claimed to!

    2 – Amazingly enough, Pepsi One ALSO tastes like COKE. ~Real~, ~honest-to-God-30-freakin’-years-ago REAL Coke! But then again, they can’t just come out and SAY that in their advertising, now can they???

    Is it all starting to sink in yet?

    Pepsi ONE…Coke…hmmmmmm…what can we call the new no-calorie Coke that will get the Pepsi ~ONE~ drinkers a clue???? I GOT IT – we’ll call it Just-like-Pepsi-One-but-made-by-Coke! Whassat? Not enough room on the bottle?? OK, What’s better than one? Two? Nah, too ambiguous, how about…Coke Zero!!!

  13. Tom77 – Unfortunately, I didn’t exist thirty years ago, so I have no idea what Coke tasted like back then. All I know about Coke back then was that it might have contained actual cocaine.

  14. Cracked me up… great review… I stumbled on this site while trying to figure out what was the difference between Diet Coke and Coke Zero, I will definitely have to check back often for other reviews… As for Coke Zero, I bought a bottle of it today. I am a Diet Coke hater and I don’t think Coke Zero is much better. Stick with the Classic Coke. Life is short, enjoy every minute of it, even if it means actually consuming extra calories.

  15. Heather – I wish Lindsay Lohan would consume extra calories, because she’s looking kind of scary. I think she needs a few Cokes.

Comments are closed.

Comment Rules: If you tried the product we covered, please feel free to leave your opinion of it. We're totally cool with that. However, if you're going to be a complete douchebag or your comment comes off as spammy, we'll delete your stuff. Have fun and thanks for leaving a comment.