Hello Kitty Sunscreen Glitter Gel

Hello Kitty Sunscreen

To begin today’s review of the Hello Kitty Sunscreen Glitter Gel, I’d like to tell all of you a little story, which goes something like this:

My head nodded like it was following the little red bouncing ball telling me which words to sing, as I followed the word “Chic” embroidered in yellow thread on the jeans that covered the ass of my fifth grade teacher, who was writing word problems on the chalkboard.

This was easy to accomplish because, unfortunately, I sat in the front row of the tiny classroom that was once the teacher’s lounge.

There were others in the front row, but my teacher only liked to write on a certain part of the chalkboard, which ended up right in front of me. My teacher’s ass was so close that if I wanted to, I could pull out my ruler and poke it to see what the ass would do in retaliation.

It wasn’t hard to miss the yellow embroidery on my teacher’s Chic Jeans, because every time I looked up to see what my teacher was writing, I would get the full panoramic view of my teacher’s ass and not be able to see a word written. It was kind of like a solar eclipse, with the moon being my teacher’s ass and the sun being the words on the chalkboard. The only word I could see was “Chic” embroidered in yellow thread.

I continued to stare at that word and began to think it was so strange to see my teacher wear a pair of Chic Jeans, because the only people who wore them were the popular girls in middle school, who never talked to me, except when they needed help with their homework.

Frustrated by the fact that I couldn’t see the chalkboard at all, I put my pencil down on top of the desk and followed that with my head.

A few minutes later the recess bell rang. I got up and as I walked out for recess, I said, “Nice jeans, MISTER Kreuger.”

He looked at me and innocently smiled, not knowing his ass was blocking my view of the chalkboard and he was wearing women’s clothing.

I posted this story to prove that women are lucky.

If they wear a men’s jacket or sweater, other people won’t notice it’s a piece of men’s clothing and will say it looks nice on them. If men wear a woman’s jacket or sweater, other people will look at them weird and say he’s a crazy cross-dresser.

Also, it’s perfectly normal for women to use men’s shaving gel on their legs, but it seems odd for a man to use women’s shaving gel on their face, unless the guy happens to be quasi-product review blog editor doing some “testing.”

So I’ve decided to use women’s products, because I think this is slightly unfair.

Recently, my twin sister gave me a bottle of Hello Kitty Sunscreen Glitter Gel to review.

This is a very feminine product for two reasons: Hello Kitty and glitter.

If you aren’t familiar with Hello Kitty, you can read more about it here. But to make a long story short, Hello Kitty is probably the most girly thing in the world. It’s produced by a Japanese company called Sanrio, which has a whole bunch of cute characters, like Hello Kitty.

Here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean there are Sanrio stores with wall-to-wall cute girly Sanrio stuff. Every time I walk into one of the Sanrio stores, three things happen: (1) I have to urge to give someone a hug. (2) I can feel testosterone being sucked out of me. (3) My testicles crawl up into my body.

As for glitter, it maybe great for Harajuku Girls, but it’s not good for guys or Mariah Carey’s acting resume.

The only ways I can imagine guys wearing glitter is if they were adding stars to dioramas, they just made out with a woman who was wearing glitter, or if they got so drunk that they drank a bottle of glitter thinking it was Goldschlager.

However, I put aside the unusualness of me wearing glitter and the fear of my balls crawling up into body to test the Hello Kitty Sunscreen Glitter Gel during my daily running routine. Besides, if my balls to crawl up into me, I don’t have to worry about them being juggled around.

As I put the sunscreen on, it felt like I was putting on vegetable oil, because it was very greasy. Also, I noticed that the glitter wasn’t going on my body. Instead, almost all the glitter remained on my hands. I guess running around with glitter and shining it in the sun wasn’t meant to be.

While running, I could smell the sunscreen, which had a nice unmanly candy-like smell.

It may have had a nice scent, but its SPF 8 didn’t do a good job of protecting my face from sunburn, because later that night, while washing my face, I could feel the sunburn, which I don’t get with the usual SPF 30 sunscreen I use.

So remember boys and girls, eight is a good number for an orgy, but not so good for a sunscreen’s SPF.

(Editor’s Note: The story at the beginning was originally written for and posted at The Ass Chronicles.)

Item: Hello Kitty Sunscreen Glitter Gel
Purchase Price: FREE (Given by twin sister)
Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Pros: Smells good. Great for Harajuku Girls.
Cons: Most of the glitter stayed on my hands. Really greasy feel. Only SPF 8. My male fifth grade teacher wearing Chic Jeans.

36 thoughts on “Hello Kitty Sunscreen Glitter Gel

  1. We can get away with SPF 8 here in New England lots of the time, but over there in Howayah, you certainly need the SPF30!

    You forgot to mention that Hello Kitty is freakin’ annoying!

    Wow, you have a twin! Does she blog, too?

    ABSOLUTELY loved the story about the teacher. Suppose he wore thongs under the jeans? (Sorry, that’s probably a really bad place to go!)

  2. My, very scary opening story there, Marvo. Here I was assuming you were LUCKY to be sitting that close, and then you throw in that MISTER at the end…a full school year of that would be enough to make you go into therapy. Of course, the way many women look around this area, having your view blocked by a woman teacher’s ass probably wouldn’t be a good thing, either….women around these parts really like their cheese and sausage, if you know what I mean.

  3. Your opening story reminded me of a crossdresser I once knew, who went by the name of Miss Sheila. He was straight, dressed to the nines in high drag, but when he sat down he was all man. As in, didn’t cross his legs, but sat there with with his legs spead open, man style. All that was missing was the hand in the waistband and a beer in his other hand. Always very traumatizing. But, you GO for using women’s products! There’s nothing wrong with getting in touch with your feminine side. Although Hello Kitty anything may be pushing it. Although I’ve heard the Hello Kitty vibrators are fun . . .

  4. Well I would have to say you don’t seem to be scarred for life which is amazing. Good review today and I feel for you having to be surround by a whole bunch of Hello Kitty stores. If the man in womens jeans didn’t scar you then those stores would!!!

  5. The greasy/glittery combination may make this product a good item to use for the next time you do a drawing — slather it on (like you did with the pudding) and then roll around in the entry slips. It would add glamour to the drawing process. Meow. You might try shaking the bottle for several seconds first, in order to better distribute the glitter, btw.

  6. Obviously a useless product that parents are begged to buy by their daughters because of hello kitty and glitter. Then the kids and parents have to suffer through the pains of the child’s sunburn. All so some company can sell two bottles of sunblock.

  7. Yes but think of the profit margin! All that money they save by making it SPF 8 instead of 20 or 30 or even 50! That’s probably 2, 3 cents a bottle they save! It could add up to millions if banana boat ever sinks!

  8. i noticed that i, too, was quite often forced to view my teachers ass while trying to see the board…and, unfortunately, it was never a good thing. but i remember always wondering “what if they could read my mind and knew i saw their ass?” so i would test this theory out and think things at them to get a reaction. either they are masters of hiding their mind reading powers or i was safe…

  9. oh gross – a guy in Chic jeans… blech! he must have had a weird shape to him because Chic jeans were always sized weird – the ass was full in them, but the waist was TINY and HIGH!

    I know the SPF in that stuff is a joke, but I’m sure you looked FABULOUS, dahling… 😉

  10. That story was funny… all along I thought the teacher was a woman. I think it’s dumb how they put glitter in sunscreen. You’ll look like a disco ball on the beach.

  11. Your male teacher wearing Chic jeans is all sorts of wrong. Unless he was gay, maybe. Was he gay?

    Purple Hello Kitty glitter with only an SPF of 8 is also all sorts of wrong.

  12. nat – Hello Kitty can be annoying because she doesn’t say anything. Hello Kitty has a mouth, but it seems like she has never used it. As for my twin, she doesn’t have a blog. Also, thanks for the image of my fifth grade teacher in a thong. Definitely not pretty.

    Chuck – Ew…

    pel – I’ve heard rabbit vibrators are even more fun.

    celebrate woo-woo – You are welcome.

    Amy in GA – I swear, one of these days, someone is going to ask me to review being in drag.

    Becky – However, there actually is a good thing about the Hello Kitty stores. Cute women. So I guess it’s not so bad.

    Mellie Helen – Oh, shake the bottle. Yeah…It said that on the bottle, but I’m a guy and I don’t read instructions. 🙂

  13. Kent – Maybe there’s a higher SPF Hello Kitty sunscreen glitter gel that comes in pink.

    Amy in GA – Banana Boat will not sink, because I pay EIGHT FRICKIN’ BUCKS for a tube of that stuff.

    caitlin – It would’ve been all right if it was a hot straight-out-of-college female teacher, but it was a forty-something, graying male teacher, who needed to lay off of the donuts.

    Webmiztris – If I could’ve gotten the glitter off of my hands and onto my body, I definitely would’ve looked Fa-bu-lous.

    Lucy – But if you’re a hot woman, you’ll be a hot disco ball on the beach.

    Snake – If going into a Hello Kitty store makes my balls crawl up into me, I think working for Hello Kitty would cause me to grow a vagina.

    Toni – Nope, he was married with two kids. I’m guessing because Chic Jeans were made for women with baby making hips, his ass probably felt comfortable in them.

  14. SPF 8? That’s completely useless! I burn to a crisp if I’m outside in anything less than SPF 50.

    I’m so white. 🙁

    If the glitter DID go on your skin, wouldn’t you get a really funky polka-dot tan?

  15. What a frightening story about your teacher.

    What I’m curious of though, is if you rubbed your balls with the sunscreen, would they implode upon themselves?

  16. I challenge you to do an entire week of Hello Kitty related product reviews! Are you . . . man enough?

  17. Right. Note to self: Never wear Chic jeans when teaching, especially if writing on the board in front of a boy.

    Of course, I’ll be teaching high school … does that mean I could wear Hello Kitty jeans?

    Have you seen the Hello Kitty Honda CRV? I so want it if only for the novelty (and the ability to find my car in the parking lot every time).

  18. KT – Oh man, that would’ve been so cool!!! That would’ve made me even less sexy that I already am.

    Ken – If I had four balls, I would’ve tried them on two of them.

    rygar – Oh man! Do you double dare me?

    theinfamousj – I have seen the Hello Kitty CRV. Even the interior is pink. If I went into it, I would probably have the urge to wear a dress.

    Damon – I especially hate when it lands in my eyes.

  19. I agree about the women to men, but not men to women part. I mean, a girl can say “im going out with my girlfriend to go shopping”, no one thinks anything of it, but when I say “Me and my boyfriend are going shopping for fanny packs”, everyone thinks I’m a gay. Its not fair marvo. 🙁

  20. ugh. for some reason just looking at that stuff makes me queasy.

    oh, wait, maybe it’s because i spent most of last night drinking Jagermeister with a bunch of my jackass friends. and now i am hungover in the airport.

    hangover + airport + spooky purple glitter stuff = ow.

  21. HIM – Just to let you know, fanny packs aren’t gay. They are convenient accessories that allow people to carry a snack, a wallet, and a Bedazzler all at the same time.

    ultradave – Sorry. You should be lucky that it wasn’t colored puke green, because that might’ve been worse.

  22. FYI any woman’s product with glitter in it will have the same effect (oily with glitter on hands). Just thought I would save you some time.

    …Loving HK since 1974…

  23. fin – I don’t know about that. It’s not perfect for Hawaii, so I don’t know if it’s perfect for Miami. Unless it’s a cloudy day.

    missy – Thanks. Now I really won’t be purchasing the glitter moisturizer.

  24. Aloha. I came by way of Tech Wench. I must say that I really enjyed reading thingsyou have written. I think your reviews on the products are great. I will be back to read more later. Do you mind if I add you to my blogroll?

  25. Ma – Hello. Welcome to The Impulsive Buy. Thank you for the compliments. Please feel free to add The Impulsive Buy to your blogroll.

  26. Well I guess if you have to think of something good about it that would be it. Since I am a girl I could care less about cute women, but if it works for you more power to you!!

  27. Becky – However, most of the cute girls in the store have their boyfriends with them. I can see in their boyfriend’s faces that the testosterone is being sucked out of them.

    Archebaldo – Thanks!

  28. I am sad by the SPF protection of only 8. Little girls and big girls who love Hello Kitty and all things cute need to have at least SPF 15 to keep their skin from becoming like shoe leather by the time they are 28.

    I wonder if the glittler reflects the sun, thus making the SPF lower… eeenteresting.

    I’m still LOL’ing at the MC comment. Everyone loves a good MC joke – only thing better are Whitney, Olsen Twins or Lindsay Lohan jokes…

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