If I’ve learned anything in my life, it’s that I should never judge a book by its cover, never trust a big butt and a smile, never let a jury in California decide a celebrity murder or child molestation case, and never believe the food from fast food restaurants will look the way they do in their advertisements.

Here at The Impulsive Buy, I like to keep it real. I don’t show you digitally enhance photos of beautifully well-crafted burgers that took hours to create. Instead I show you improperly color balanced photos of sloppily made burgers that took seconds to slap together by either a sixteen or seventy year old.

Now take a look below at the digitally enhanced photo of the new Jack in the Box Ciabatta Bacon ‘n’ Cheese, with its thick, perfectly shaped patties, two slices of cheese that are perfectly melted, three strips of red, juicy bacon that are the perfect length of the burger, colorful red onions and tomatoes layered perfectly on top of each other, green leaf lettuce with its perfectly placed beads of moisture, and a smothering of smoky cheddar mayo perfectly spread across the inside of the perfectly toasted Ciabatta bread.

Yum-O!

I don’t know about you, but that picture makes me want to pick one up, put on a black bikini, and wash a luxury car while eating it.

Now look at the improperly color balanced photo above of the Jack in the Box Ciabatta Bacon ‘n’ Cheese. It doesn’t look very appetizing, does it?

The two patties look like they’ve been molded together with the two slices of cheese. It looks like there’s only one slice of bacon. The red onions look like it came from parents who were having some interracial cross-pollination. The tomatoes look like they’re trying to run away from the rest of the burger.

Holy crap! The lettuce is ACTUALLY GREEN! The apocalypse is upon us!

Oh wait. The heat from the patties made the lettuce wilt. Everything is fine, it’s not green anymore.

Anyway, despite looking like a 1980’s Cyndi Lauper hairdo gone bad, the Ciabatta Bacon ‘n’ Cheese was surprisingly really good. This tastiness was mostly due to the really good smokey cheddar mayo and the bacon.

Now that I think about it, the Ciabatta Bacon ‘n’ Cheese is sort like Dr. Ruth, on the outside she may not be the prettiest thing to look at, but on the inside, she’s a surprisingly crazy carnal animal that could rock my world.

Item: Ciabatta Bacon ‘n’ Cheese
Purchase Price: $3.99 (Burger only)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Tasty. Good smokey cheddar mayo. Dr. Ruth lovemaking abilities.
Cons: Green lettuce wilts quickly from the burger’s heat. Looks like a 1980’s Cyndi Lauper hairdo gone bad. A big butt and a smile.

(Editor’s Note: Some of you have been saying there’s been a lack of sexual references in my reviews recently. So to make up for it, I’ve decided to review the new Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms, which I received from Impulsive Buy reader Robert, who just so happens to have Trojan as a client at the public relations firm he works at. Thanks Robert, for reminding me that I’m not getting any action. Just kidding. Actually, I’m not kidding. I’m crying right now. Enjoy.)

There are many things that suck about not having a girlfriend, like not being able to have sessions of sweet, sweet lovin’ that involve plastic sheets, strawberries, chocolate syrup, and paint brushes; making dinner for a woman and then hearing her say, “I’m not hungry, but I’m hungry for you”; not being able to showoff my strip tease videos; and not being able to try the latest condoms so I can review them.

However, with these new Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms I had a tingling sensation, but not where you might think. I had a tingling sensation in my head, coming up with ways I could test it without actually paying needing a woman.

Being that the Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms are made for those who want to be protected when “talking to the mic,” I realized that all I really need to do with this condom was see if it tasted any good. But how was I going to do this?

(Editor’s Note: Yes, you can use the condom for intercourse. Intercourse? That’s too sterile of a term for me. Yes, you can use the condom for the horizontal mambo. Nah, that’s too childish. Yes, you can use the condom for fucking. Perfect!)

I grabbed one of the Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms, ripped it open, and shoved it into my mouth, like a piece of gum.

It was the second time in my life that I shoved a condom into my mouth and chewed on it. Except this time I couldn’t win a bet for a dollar.

As I chewed it, I could taste and feel a minty gel, which tasted like a dull toothpaste. I don’t know if it was the minty gel or the fact that I was chewing on a latex condom, but I started to gag. I instantly took the condom out from my mouth, looked at its kind of cool minty green color, and then threw it away.

After that, the product reviewer in me didn’t feel fulfilled, because I felt I could do a better job of testing it.

Then I began thinking about those bastards at Consumer Reports and how they probably test condoms. I imagined they have a love lounge, with beds shaped like hearts, Barry White songs playing, bottles of chilled champagne, mirrors on the ceiling, and bowls of Viagra. It’s probably one wild gigantic orgy of lab testers.

The testers probably do it with their lab coats, goggles, and pocket protectors on and clipboards next to the heart-shaped beds, so they can write down whatever comments they have. They probably also video tape the whole thing so they can review the tape later, if they need more information.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t do what I imagined Consumer Reports does, but I knew I had to do something better than just chewing on a condom. Then it finally hit me, while making my strawberry/banana smoothie.

Armed with a Trojan Mint Tingle Condom, a banana, and my heterosexuality, I tried to recreate a real world situation.

I opened another condom and tried to roll it over the banana. Unfortunately, I put it on the wrong way, which didn’t allow me to roll the condom down the banana. Following the condom box’s instructions, I had to throw the condom away or else I would risk the chance of pregnancy.

I opening another condom, checked to see if I had it turned up the right way, and then rolled it over the banana, holding the tip to prevent air from getting trapped. When I was done, I had a well protected banana (see picture).

Then I put the condom covered banana into my mouth and made like a circus seal. (Yay! Obscure Clerks reference!)

At first, I was gagging a little, but soon I was a deep throating pro. As for the minty flavor, it’s not bad once you swallow the mint jelly, which was mostly at the tip. It’s definitely way better tasting than regular latex condoms.

The mint flavor isn’t that strong or plentiful, so don’t try going down on as many guys as you can to freshen your breath. Gum and mints are easier, and it’s less Paris Hilton-ish or Veronica Loughran-ish. (Yay! Another obscure Clerks reference!)

(Another Editor’s Note: Bah! I should’ve made this week, “Products That The Message Whore Has Already Reviewed Week.” Go read their review of the Trojan Mint Tingle condoms here.)

Item: Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms
Purchase Price: FREE (Retails for about $9)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Mint flavor is not bad tasting, definitely better than regular latex condoms. Funky mint green color.
Cons: My ability to put on condoms, I’m surprised I don’t have illegitimate children. Minty gel was kind of gross to swallow. My jealousy of the possible ways Consumer Reports tests condoms.