Month: August 2005

With all the women’s products I’ve been reviewing (and the other woman’s products I’ve been “testing”), it seems like I’ve forgotten about products specifically made for men. So today’s review on Jack Black Beard Lube will remedy that.

For those who don’t know, I grow facial hair significantly faster than it takes for a new reality show to pop up on television. I usually shave everyday, but sometimes I like to have fun with my fast growing facial hair.

For example, I’ll grow my beard out for about four months, part my hair, put on a pair of glasses, throw on a sweater vest, pretend I’m a Fullbright scholar, eat nothing but bread for a week, and after that week is over, I’ll comb my beard to see how many crumbs and other things it has collected.

Or sometimes I like to grow my goatee REALLY long, gently stroke it, and say in an evil tone, “Soon the whole world will be mine. Muahaha. Muahaha.”

Like I said before, I usually shave everyday, and for the past three weeks I’ve been using the Jack Black Beard Lube. It’s a combination of pre-shave oil, shaving cream, and skin conditioner, which is good because instead of three different containers for each product, you get one product that contains all three.

(Editor’s Note: No, it’s not Tenacious D’s Jack Black.)

The Jack Black Beard Lube isn’t like any other shaving cream or gel I’ve used. Perhaps the major difference is the fact that it doesn’t foam like regular shaving gels and creams.

The color of it is white, but it goes on clear, like you’re putting on a moisturizer or KY Jelly. This is handy if you want to be able to see where you’re shaving, but sucks when you want to use the foam to pretend you’re Santa Claus or Papa Smurf.

When I put the Jack Black Beard Lube on, there’s a slight tingling sensation on my face. This is caused by the eucalyptus and peppermint, which stimulates the skin. The eucalyptus can also attract slutty koalas.

It also contains Jojoba and Macadamia Nut Oil, which softens the beard, makes it easier to shave, and entices the slutty koalas to stroke your face.

But then again, they are slutty koalas so I guess they don’t need to be enticed to stroke anything.

Shaving with the Jack Black Beard Lube feels different than shaving with another gel or cream because of the lack of foam, but it did create a nice comfortable, lubricated shave. However, it didn’t give me the bikini-oil-wrestling-match-type of lubrication that I got with the Art of Shaving Sandalwood Shaving Cream, which I reviewed at the beginning of the year.

However, despite not having the bikini-oil-wrestling-match-type of lubrication, the Jack Black Beard Lube did give me a better shave than the ones I’ve gotten from using my usual Edge shaving gel.

Buying six ounces of Jack Black Beard Lube will set you back $15.00, but if you want a close shave and want to attract slutty koalas this maybe the right product for you.

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Item: Jack Black Beard Lube Conditioning Shave
Purchase Price: $15.00 (6 ounces)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Comfortable, close shave. It’s a pre-shave oil, shaving cream, and skin conditioner, all-in-one. No foaming means you can see what you’re shaving. Eucalyptus may attract slutty koalas.
Cons: Pricey. No foaming means no Papa Smurf. Eucalyptus may attract slutty koalas.

Here at the Impulsive Buy, I don’t review a lot of women’s products because I either lack the proper equipment, don’t know what shade would look good on me, I’m afraid of the words “cardboard applicator,” or I’m scared that I might find out I’m pregnant.

However, when a reader asked if I could review the Jergens Natural Glow Daily Moisturizer, I felt that this was one women’s product I could try.

What makes this moisturizer different from others is that it’s supposed to create a healthy, summer glow by just moisturizing daily. Now this scared me because I’ve heard the horror stories of sunless tanning lotions turning people orange and I didn’t want to relive the embarrassment of that time I went on a carrot diet for a week.

While doing internet research on the product, I found that the Jergens Natural Glow was a hard product to find, because it’s been so popular. However, when I went to the juggernaut superstore behemoth, they had a lot in stock. So I thought maybe it wasn’t as popular as people on the internets said it was.

Then I stepped outside of the store and realized perhaps the reason why there’s a lot of stock is because I live on a tropical rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean that gets sunshine ninety percent of the time.

The Jergens Natural Glow comes in two version, one for fair (ghostly pale) skin tones and one for medium (just pale) skin tones. Being that I sit indoors in front of a computer all day, but occasionally go outside in the sun because I run on solar energy, I picked up the Jergens Natural Glow for medium skin tones.

On the tube it says that after a week of daily use the intensity of color will be reached. So for the past week, I’ve been putting it on in the morning and I’ve also been putting it on at night after I take a shower. I also decided to only put it on one leg because I thought the difference wouldn’t be too noticeable.

Well after a week of use, I’m walking around with one leg that’s darker and better looking than the other. The differences between my two legs are pretty dramatic. Take a look at the picture below. (Click picture for larger view.)

The leg on the left looks like one I would wanna ask out, while the leg on the right looks like one that got beaten with an ugly stick.

The leg on the left looks like it could become prom queen, while the leg on the right looks like it needs an old-fashioned stoning.

The leg on the left looks like it would be fun to cuddle with, while the leg on the right looks like one I would pick last for dodgeball.

The leg on the left looks like one I would want to take home to meet my parents, while the leg on the right looks like one I would want to keep locked up in the basement.

Finally, the leg on the left looks like moonwalking, jheri curl Michael Jackson, while the leg on the right looks like child-molesting, too much plastic surgery Michael Jackson.

Item: Jergens Natural Glow Daily Moisturizer
Purchase Price: $6.16
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: Tans skin evenly and effectively. Easy to apply. Pleasant smell. No orange color. The leg on the left.
Cons: No sun protection. The leg on the right.

(Editor’s Note: Today’s product was requested by Impulsive Buy reader Seth, who twice had the urge to buy today’s product, but felt it would be better (and cheaper for him) if the Impulsive Buy tested it first. Enjoy.)

I would like to thank Listerine for increasing my time spent in the bathroom each morning.

Before it was manageable, but thanks to Listerine Whitening, I now have to get up a little earlier to be able to do all the things I need to do in the bathroom. Sure it’s only a minute more, but that minute spent asleep could mean making out or not making out with Martha Stewart in my dreams.

And nobody wants to be around me in the morning when I don’t get to make out with M. Diddy.

Anyway, I wish my mornings were as easy as it was in college, when taking a shot of Listerine and swishing it around for thirty seconds was all I needed to do to get ready in the morning.

Back in college, I could grow my beard out, I didn’t have to floss, I could shower every other day, and I didn’t have to trim nose hairs because they just blended in with my beard.

But now I’m an “adult” and I’m not homeless, so I have to do these things. Sometimes I wish I could go back to my college days, because my morning ritual has gotten ridiculous. Here’s what I have to do every morning:

Step 1: We can have lots of fun.

Step 2: There’s so much we can do.

Step 3: It’s just you and me…

Oh crap! Those are the lyrics from the New Kids on the Block song Step By Step.

Dammit! Let’s start over.

Step 1: Swish around Listerine Whitening – Time Spent: 1 minute

Step 2: Brush teeth – Time Spent: 3 minutes

Step 3: Floss teeth – Time Spent: 3 minutes

Step 4: Swish around regular Listerine – Time Spent: 30 seconds

Step 5: Scrape tongue with spoon – Time Spent: 5 seconds

Step 6: Wait for gagging caused by scraping tongue to stop – Time Spent: 10 seconds

Step 7: Wash face – Time Spent: 1 minute

Step 8: Exfoliate face – Time Spent: 1 minute

Step 9: Practice in the mirror latest pick up line, “Hi, my name is Marvo, but my friends call me Curious George and I’m curious to see what’s under that dress.” – Time Spent: 20 seconds

Step 10: Trim nose hairs – Time Spent: 2 minutes

Step 11: Trim ear hairs – Time Spent: 1 minute

Step 12: Turn unibrow into two distinguishable eyebrows – Time Spent: 5 minutes

Step 13: Shave face – Time Spent: 7 minutes

Step 14: Shave balls – Time Spent: 5 minutes

Step 15: Give my handlebar mustache a Rollie Fingers twirl – Time Spent: 1 minute

Step 16: Put on hair gel and sculpt hair to desired look – Time Spent: 3 minutes

Step 17: Trim and shape muttonchop sideburns – Time Spent: 2 minutes

Step 18: Trim nipple hair – Time Spent: 1 minute

Step 19: Clean belly button – Time Spent: 15 seconds

Step 20: Smell finger after cleaning belly button – Time Spent: 5 seconds

Step 21: Wait for gagging from smelling finger after cleaning belly button to stop – Time Spent: 10 seconds

Step 22: Wash hands to get rid of belly button smell – Time Spent: 20 seconds

Step 23: Spray on cologne – Time Spent: 10 seconds

Step 24: Put on deodorant – Time Spent: 10 seconds

Step 25: Say three times in the mirror my daily affirmation, “I’m hot on the outside and cool on the inside. Yahtzee!” – Time Spent: 30 seconds

Total Time Spent: 38 minutes 45 seconds

As you can see, my mornings are crazy.

I’ve been thinking about taking steps out, like exfoliating my face and cleaning my belly button, but I also think I could take out swishing with Listerine Whitening because it doesn’t seem to be doing what it’s supposed to do.

The foam that’s created by swishing it around makes me think it’s doing something and even after I spit it out, it continues to foam in my mouth. But I think the only thing that foaming is good for is pretending to be a rabid dog.

After three weeks of use, I haven’t seen any difference in my teeth, and I’ve been using it with a “whitening” toothpaste.

Perhaps Listerine Whitening would be better for those who already have white teeth to maintain their teeth’s whiteness.

Well at least this is the only Listerine that doesn’t burn like you’re drinking Lucifer’s breast milk.

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Item: Listerine Whitening
Purchase Price: $7.54
Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Pros: May help with maintaining whiteness. No typical Listerine burn. Kills germs that cause bad breath.
Cons: More expensive than regular Listerine. Doesn’t work with whitening my teeth. My excessive morning ritual. My unibrow.