REVIEW: Monster Energy XXL

After I quickly chugged down all 23.5 ounces of Monster Energy XXL shotgun-style, I was afraid with all the caffeine in my body, I was going to do something rash, like wrestle a bear, tackle a homeless person, watch Taradise on the E! Channel, or become a Scientologist.

Fortunately, none of that happened, but I was totally wired. Although not as wired as that time I took two Vivarin to pull an all-nighter to study for my Japanese 202 final, which caused my hands to shake constantly through the entire exam.

And let me tell you, it isn’t easy writing complicated kanji characters when my hands are shaking like I’m trying to disarm a bomb or unhook a woman’s bra for the first time.

With the complex art of kanji writing, one mess up could mean the difference between writing, “I think you have nice eyes,” and “I think your eyebrows look like furry minks ready to mate.”

Anyway, I possibly had unhealthy amounts caffeine, taurine, and guarana flowing through my bloodstream and I felt like a kid with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder who forgot to take his Ritalin.

I wasn’t shaking, but I was restless and needed to find something to do to help burn off that energy at 10 o’clock at night. At that point, I wished I had a Playstation 2, a girlfriend, or a bear to wrestle.

In my ADHD state, I cleaned my bathroom, watched an episode of Robot Chicken, separated my socks by pairs, arranged by boxers by color, ironed my t-shirts, and arranged my Playboy magazine collection by blondes, brunettes, and redhead Playmates.

However, despite doing all of that, I didn’t end up going to sleep until three in the morning.

As for the Monster Energy Drink itself, it’s the Impulsive Buy’s favorite energy drink ever, because is doesn’t have that typical medicine-like taste that other energy drinks have and it’s pretty sweet.

A regular can of Monster Energy is 16 ounces, but the Monster Energy XXL is 23.5 ounces. Of course, this means 7.5 more ounces of caffeine, taurine, guarana, goodness.

Yes, the can is impressive, but I think some of you may be more impressed with the fact that the Monster Energy XXL can would make an excellent bong.

But then again, what wouldn’t make an excellent bong?

(Editor’s Note: For more energy drink reviews go visit Jason and Angie at screamingenergy.com.)


Item: Monster Energy XXL
Purchase Price: $2.79
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Excellent flavor. 23.5 ounces of Monster goodness. Aluminum can might make for a great bong.
Cons: Hard to sleep after drinking entire can after 10 pm. Writing kanji with shaky hands. Wrestling with bears.

23 thoughts on “REVIEW: Monster Energy XXL

  1. MMMmmm….23 ounces of sweet, sweet caffeine with unhealthy amounts of sugar also. This would be a good breakfast drink to give your kids before school, if you couldn’t stand their teacher.

  2. Yes, wrestling with bears is never good. It’s real sugar? You can never find anything that uses that stuff (sucrose) anymore. Even alot of my med’s are loaded up with aspertame. (Excedrin QuickTabs and others)

  3. “I think your eyebrows look like furry minks ready to mate.” That’s hilarious. Great review. Where do you find this stuff anyway? My grocery store doesn’t have these things.

  4. oooh, that would make a nice can to smoke out of! I could have used one of those down in Mexico when I didn’t have a pipe and some dude gave me the rest of his stash before leaving for his flight…oh well, I just used a Dos Equis can. :)

  5. I wonder how this would taste with Vodka? I dont like Red Bull, but if you say this is better, then I should try it. Is it carbonated? Is it green? I hope its green. I had some nasty tasting orange energy drink called 180 this past weekend. I dont recommend it!

  6. one of my profs drinks like six of these a day. i think that’s why she’s like barely 30 and has tenure.

  7. Holy mother of god, that looks like sweet, extrodinarily caffeinated death to me. Seriously, I’m tiny, I’d blow some circuit if I shot gunned one of those suckers. Kudos to you.

  8. Dude.
    I had this one time and my heart nearly flew out of my freaking chest.
    it was NOT cool.

    and I hope the power stays on during this damn hurricane. I want to be able to read the Impulsive buy during it. :)

  9. Chuck – 71 grams of sugar in a can! WOO HOO!!! ROCK ON!!!

    Muneer – It’s got sucrose. It’s got the real deal.

    Lucy – I found this at my 7-Eleven down the street. They also have a Rockstar Energy Drink in the same size. I haven’t seen it at other store though.

    Webmiztris – Well if you need a couple of Monster Energy XXL cans, I’ve got a few sitting around here that you can “recycle.”

    ayesha97 – Yay! Robot Chicken rocks!

  10. Damon – At the 7-Eleven I bought the Monster XXL from, there’s a ton of Red Bulls, but the Monster and Rockstar shelves are almost empty.

    Ultimate Best Vamp Ever – It’s carbonated. It’s green. It’s huge. It’s good. It’s waaay better than the orangy Energy 180. As for adding vodka, the only vodka I have is vanilla vodka and it tasted all right with the Monster Energy Drink.

    lightpinksheep – I would be afraid of anyone who drinks six of these every day. That’s dangerous. That’s insane. That’s expensive. That’s something I must try. ;-)

    Genny From the Burbs – I’ve been drinking two of these every week, but i think I should quit. I guess I must use actual sleep to replace this liquid sleep I’m drinking.

    KT – My heart does that when I’m talking to pretty women. Anyway, stay safe. Keep away from windows. Have your flashlight handy. Also, make sure you have plenty of drinking water. But most importantly, stay safe.

  11. too bad about not turning into a scientologist. Just think with all that energy you could jump on a couch on a nationally syndicated television program.

  12. Sooo… uhhh… do you clean your bathroom and/or watch Robot Chicken when you’re NOT completely amped? Just wondering….

    (I once took two Vivarin for an all-nighter in highschool before a chemistry exam… which was in an auditorium with long tabletops paired with plastic chairs that were anchored to the floor but swiveled. I passed the exam but spent the entire hour flinging my lower body side-to-side as my flailing legs turned the chair right, then left, then right, then–you get the idea. I’m pretty sure I wore a groove in the tabletop from tapping my fingers, too.)

  13. KENT – Now that I think about it, I don’t think I could pay the entry fee to join the Church of Scientology.

    Mir – Yes, I clean my bathroom and watch Robot Chicken when I’m not amped. However, instead of being amped, I’m naked. ;-)

    birdwoman – That funny, because a few times when I wanted to type guarana, I ended up typing guano.

  14. I see guano, too…I think it was because of someone’s informative comment about guarana you once had.

    One of my former co-workers was a energy drink disciple. He claims to have tried every one available…and Monster was his favorite, too. I can’t really tolerate carbonation anymore, so I doubt I’d like it.

    So, you’re shaking with anticipation of unhooking a bra for the first time?;>

  15. And given the size of the can, an excellent bong it would make. It’s got to be better than the one I made out of my old video card.

  16. Ah yes, all nighters can kill ya. I’m thinking back to my times in college:

    -One time I drank two cups of coffee in a row. I could feel my heart beating a mile a minute. I lay on my bed and thought to myself, “I think I’m going to die…but then again, that’ll mean that I won’t have to take the final tommorow.”

    -Another time I tried drinking caffeinated water and chewing caffeinated gum. Again, my heart was beating like crazy and I thought I was gonna die. Not to mention that the water tasted weird.

    -My usual choice of poison though for staying up was a big honkin’ bottle of Mountain Dew. At the time (before these newfangled energy drinks), it was only second to Jolt cola in the amount of caffeine it contains. I couldn’t find any Jolt cola. It’s probably illegal in California for all I know.

  17. Celebrate Woo-Woo – I definitely know I haven’t even come close to trying EVERY energy drink. But I’m happy that I have Monster, and that’s all I need. The first time I had to unhook a bra was hard, because I’ve never unhooked a bra before and I wanted it to seem like I was an expert at it, and I was excited because I was going to see boobies.

    Ken – You made a bong out of a computer video card? That’s one crazy ass bong.

    Toni – Yup, Jolt Cola was the shiznit! I wrote and recited a poem about Jolt Cola for my speech class in college, which you can read here.

  18. John Pope – If your trails of snot look like that, I suggest you see a doctor or you’re blowing your nose too hard. ;-)

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