As someone who consumes items that are named using words like spicy, jalapeno, hot, chipotle, fiery, habanero, tongue-burning, mucho caliente, and Eva Longoria-hot, I know when something is spicy.
Despite the crispy chicken breast with a bold blend of Chipotle spices, the McDonald’s Spicy Premium Chicken Sandwich didn’t bring the heat. Not even the lettuce, tomatoes, mayonnaise, and honey wheat roll could make up for the lack of spiciness.
There are so many things spicier than this sandwich.
For example, Latin-American entertainer Charo bathing in Tabasco sauce and repeatedly saying “cuchi-cuchi” is definitely many times more spicier than the McDonald’s Spicy Premium Chicken Sandwich.
Having WWE wrestlers battle each other in a kiddie pool of brown mustard is still extremely more spicier than the McDonald’s Spicy Premium Chicken Sandwich.
Heck, watching the Spice Network by myself, while listening to the Spice Girls and smelling of Old Spice, is still spicier than the McDonald’s Spicy Premium Chicken Sandwich.
This sandwich would’ve been good, if it gave me a nice burn. Instead, I got a so-so tasting crispy chicken sandwich that gave my mouth a very, very slight burn. The best way I can describe the difference, in terms many of you will understand, it’s like comparing rubbing your nipples with a feather or with coarse sandpaper.
â€¨As you all know, when you rubbing your nipples with a feather, you hardly feel anything at all. On the other hand, as many of you know, rubbing your nipples with coarse sandpaper hurts, but at the same time, it feels surprisingly good.
All good spicy sandwiches have that nice burn to them. For example, the Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Fillet Sandwich always give me a nice soothing burn.
I’m not talking about the burn you get while peeing because of a particular type of sexually transmitted disease you contracted from that time you went to Southeast Asia to participate in a “Sex Tour.”
Nor is it the type of burn you get from going up to an irate smoker, telling him or her that their second-hand smoke is irritating you, and then the irate smoker putting out their cigarette in the middle of your forehead.
Nor is it the type of burn I get when I go up to a woman to ask her out and she tells me, “I don’t date guys with unibrows.”
I’m talking about that burn that makes you sweat just a little. I’m talking about that burn that feels like your taste buds are doing the Riverdance with Stiletto heels on. I’m talking about that burn that makes you glad you got the value meal with the extra large soft drink.
Unfortunately, the McDonald’s Spicy Premium Chicken Sandwich couldn’t give me that burn.
(Editor’s Note: Lord Jezo, who I am jealous of because he has a pack of Pepsi Holiday Spice in his fridge, reviewed the McDonald’s Spicy Premium Chicken Sandwich earlier this month. Read his review here. After reading the review, go read about how he and his date went to White Castle for Valentine’s dinner and ended up in the newspaper AND on television.)
Item: McDonald’s Spicy Premium Chicken Sandwich
Purchase Price: $4.99 (value meal)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: So-so tasting sandwich. Rubbing nipples with coarse sandpaper. Charo. Spice Network.
Cons: Very weak spiciness. Kind of small and pricey. My excessive use of the word “spicy” (and all its forms) in this review. Southeast Asian Sex Tours. My unibrow. Old Spice.