You know what I hate?
I hate having to sometimes stuff cocaine-filled condoms up my ass. It’s amazing that I can stick ten of them up there. Although they say the large intestine is about five feet long, so technically I could probably fit a whole lot more.
Each one is worth $10,000 and they’re around an inch and a half in diameter. It’s ALWAYS an adventure sticking them in there and it takes over an hour long to get them all in.
I’m sure there are easier ways to make a little extra money, like stripping or selling my body to middle-aged female Japanese tourists, but I think drug smuggling is a little more dignified.
Now you’re probably saying to yourself, “Why don’t you use lubricated condoms?” Well you would think using lubricated condoms would make it easier, but they don’t. So I end up using KY Jelly…Lots of KY Jelly.
I don’t think you can imagine how many tubes of KY Jelly I have to go through. Basically, I just squirt the whole tube into a little bowl, dip the cocaine-filled condom into the KY Jelly like it was a Chicken McNugget, grab a mirror, squat over it, and hope I get it in during the first try. If I don’t get it in during the first try, then I have to try it again and hope that I don’t get KY Jelly on my fingers because if I do, it’s hard to get a good grip on each cocaine-filled condom.
There are many bad things about transporting cocaine this way. Like if I get caught smuggling the cocaine, then I’ll probably go to prison for a few decades and have to deal with things being stuck up my ass every day. Another bad thing is that I have to fast for a couple of days, so I won’t have any bowel movements. However, probably the worst part about transporting cocaine this way is being called “Guadalubbe” by the drug dealers and getting paid in cash and KY Jelly.
Of course, I try really hard to not mind the teasing from the drug dealers, because they’re paying me…and they have guns.
Because of all this hassle, I’m always trying to find new ways transport the goods.
Recently, I picked up the new Double Zipper Ziploc Storage Bags, hoping that I could transport the cocaine by taping the Ziploc bags to my body, instead of sticking cocaine-filled condoms up my ass.
Why didn’t I use regular Ziploc bags before?
Because sometimes if you’re not careful, the seal may fail…and maybe sometimes I like sticking cocaine-filled condoms up my ass and having them rub against my prostate gland.
Anyway, I did a variety of tests on the bags. Since I don’t have a Consumer Reports laboratory with precise equipment, I just made up a bunch of tests off the top of my head.
First, I did the “water test,” which involved me filling half the bag with water, sealing it, and then applying as much pressure as I could with my hands and arms. The seal didn’t break, so that was a good sign.
Next, I did the “garlic test.” This test called for a couple of tablespoons of bottled minced garlic placed in the Double Zipper Ziploc Bag and then sealed. It would pass the test if I couldn’t smell the garlic. However, it failed because I could smell the garlic through the double seals, which would be bad for a drug smuggler if there were any drug-sniffing dogs around.
Finally, I did the “whoopie cushion test,” which involved putting air into the bag, sealing it, and then sitting on it. When I did it, the seal didn’t break, but the bag itself did, which was actually a good thing because it showed how strong the seal actually was.
So after all the testing was done, I decided that the Double Zipper Ziploc Storage Bag wasn’t adequate to smuggle drugs with, mainly because of the “garlic test.” I decided to stick with shoving cocaine-filled condoms up my ass. However, the drug dealers I deal with got arrested and now they have to worry about having things stuck up their asses.
So now I guess I have to start selling my body to middle-aged female Japanese tourists for extra money.
Item: Double Zipper Ziploc Storage Bags
Purchase Price: $2.99 (Quart-Sized)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Pretty good seal. Passed the “water test” and the “whoopie cushion test.” Prostate orgasms.
Cons: Not good for transporting cocaine. Didn’t pass the “garlic test.” Being called “Guadalubbe.” Prison.
Poor asses. Well, at least the middle-aged Japanese women will have some sweet Guadalubbe to look forward to. 😉
Does this remind you of the razor blade deal? where they came out with the dual-blade, triple blade, quatro blade, the fivester. How long before we get a 3-zipper baggie. HOW LONG
“I just squirt the whole tube into a little bowl, dip the cocaine-filled condom into the KY Jelly like it was a Chicken McNugget”
Haha… you’re awesome Marvo!
Only you Marvo, only you.
😀
Hahaha, great review. If you ever get caught, just remember: dropped soap is NOT worth picking up.
(man, I hope my HTML works, it’s been a while.)
awww, that’s too bad! I hope you find a more effective way of smuggling your cocaine soon!
Wow, all this talk of prostrates and jail rape is getting me hot. I hope I don’t orgasm in the plastic goods aisle next time I’m in the grocery store.
Oh man, I’m still busying laughing over Guadalubbe. And that pic that Rhawb linked to.
Wouldn’t doubling up on the condom be essentially the same as a double seal?
I’m speechless.
And I’m Zip-lockin’ my lips.
Interesting review, Marvo!
With the drugs worth near $10K, would you really trust it in a bag that costs 12 cents each?
Just wanted to applaud your very funny & well written site, thanks.
Have you check out my blogs yet?
http://www.wannabetvchef.blog.co.uk
http://journals.aol.co.uk/macfanonapc/CanofWorms
Best wishes
Kevin
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to Zip-loc leftovers again without thinking of this review, Marvo. Hope your drug smuggling business is mega profitable, since it doesn’t sound like much fun!
Shame that the Zip Loc bag didn’t pass the garlic test. Then again, my butt rarely passes the garlic test as well.
Andy – Although they will have a hard time trying to grab my ass since there’s probably lube all over it.
TG – The more zippers means more likely that I’ll be able to use them to smuggle cocaine.
Ultimate Best Vamp Ever – Mmm…Chicken McNuggets with hot mustard sauce. That sounds tasty right now.
Muneer – Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
Rhawb – Your HTML is just fine. Showers in prison…not so fine.
Webmiztris – Someday I will and I’ll either be stinkin’ rich or stinking from lack of deodorant.
Lizzy – If you do, just say you’re Meg Ryan and you’re practicing for When Harry Met Sally 2.
Toni – Guadalubbe was his name. Cocaine smuggling was his game. But smuggling it up his ass was so lame.
Gia on Guam – First off, so are you a natural redhead? As for the condom double bagging, it would probably make it slightly bigger, and I’m all not for making it slightly bigger.
Karen – But do you have double zipper lips? Actually, I have no idea what that means. 🙂
klew – Much lower overhead that way and more profits.
kevin ashton – Thanks for the compliments!
Chuck – But technically, don’t most people earn money at jobs they don’t like?
Toni – I will not ask you what that means.
Can’t dodge the visual of the squating over a KY’d condom part…great review! What I’ve really wondered about was the double zipper freezer bags and if they keep freezer burn out. I guess since your review I’ll stop trying to use my Double Zipper Ziploc Storage Bags as whoopie cushions..ugh!
Gee, and to think that all I ever use those bags for is storing food items. And the occasional collection of crayons. I, uh, mean the ziplock bags.
“Our Lips Are Sealed”
– Go-Gos
skibs – It would’ve been worse if I added a video of the process.
Mellie Helen – I sometimes use them as gloves when there aren’t any latex gloves around for those times when I’m either serving food or delivering a baby.
Karen – Mmm…80s flashbacks. Mmm…Belinda Carlisle. Mmm…Fuzzy dog.
Never ask a lady her natural hair colour or the natural colour of the feathers in her boa!
Gia on Guam – I can’t ask for age, weight, natural hair color, the natural color of the feathers in her boa, phone number, or home address? What’s next? Shoe size? Number of birthmarks? Number of piercings?
Who told you shoe size??? I’d give my shoe size in a heartbeat if it meant Manolos over a dozen roses.
Well, the first quarter of the review was quite disturbing… to say the least. But in true Marvo fashion, he pulls it out… (rimshot) in the end. (Double pun.)
Entertaining as always. Looks like a solid product though.
Gia on Guam – Manolos AND a dozen roses. Man, those better be some cheap ass roses.
TheWarden – Like I said earlier, you should be glad there wasn’t a video of it. 🙂
I would just like to thank you for not posting pictures of you putting the cocaine up your ass…is it kind of homoerotic for you or are you just that hard up for cash? 🙂 Why didn’t you try putting cocaine in it!
Nicki – You’re welcome and I’m in need of cash.
I fell off my seat laughing.
OMG.
that has to be, by far, the greatest way to introducing a product. e.v.e.r.
Peachy – Are you okay? Please don’t sue! 😉
Damasta – But does it make you want to buy it?
Marvo: Nah, I’m not suing. Besides, I’m a whole continent away! Haha.
Peachy – Well, technically you’re half a Pacific Ocean away from me.
Hey I was just surfing around and decided to post a short comment here. I run a movie review message board and am looking for people to write reviews and contribute at my forum. You can even post a link to your blog on your signature file at my forum. It’s all good! Take care.
Family Movies – Thanks for the offer, but I REALLY suck at movie reviews. But as for condom and Ziploc bag reviews, I’d like to think I totally kick ass. 🙂