Rockstar Juiced

Rockstar Juiced

“Being juiced” is usually only reserved for some Olympic athletes and baseball players, but thanks to Rockstar Juiced, now everyone can be juiced too.

Although, by drinking Rockstar Juiced we can’t have the increased athletic performance, premature baldness, severe acne, enlargement of the heart, increased body hair, liver damage, elevated blood pressure, abnormal breast development (in men), permanently enlarged clitoris (in women), and shrunken balls (in men) that comes with the other juice.

Instead, what I got from drinking it was an easy to drink energy drink, thanks to the 70 percent juice in it, that tasted much better than the original Rockstar energy drink. The mango, orange, and passion fruit combination in Rockstar Juiced was very good, although I thought the passion fruit taste was a little too strong, which overpowered the other flavors, much like how Beyoncé does with Destiny’s Child.

Oh, if only I had as much passion as this Rockstar Juiced, then maybe my ex-girlfriends wouldn’t have broken up with me and I wouldn’t be single today. Maybe if I had more passion, I would be married, a homeowner, a pet owner, and perhaps, a parent.

I would be working during the day, spending time with my family in the evening, and making sweet, sweet love with the wife late at night. Then eventually that routine would get old and I would hang with my co-workers at the bar, come home late, get into verbal fights with my wife, spend less time with the kids, and buy a convertible sports car.

Anyway, along with the strong passion fruit taste, another thing that bothered me about the Rockstar Juiced is the fact that despite having the word “rockstar” in it, I don’t think any rock star would actually pick it up.

The reason why I say this is because there are many other things available to rock stars which have much more appeal. Here’s a list, in no particular order:

1. Young groupies
2. Cocaine
3. Middle-aged groupies
4. Marijuana
5. Old groupies
6. Heroin
7. Groupie boobs to autograph
8. Acid
9. Lap dances from groupies
10. Magic mushrooms
11. Making a sex tape with groupies, which eventually finds its way onto the internet
12. Ecstasy
13. Sloppy seconds with groupies

Sure the Rockstar Juiced has 160 milligrams of caffeine per 16-ounce can, but cocaine is much more effective for late night partying. Also, Rockstar Juiced may have 130 milligrams of a combination of guarana, ginseng, and ginkgo herbs, but when it’s time to mellow out for rock stars, marijuana is herb of choice.

Well I guess I should be glad that rock stars probably don’t consume Rockstar Juiced, because it just means more for the rest of us.

Item: Rockstar Juiced
Price: $1.69 (16-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Really good flavor. Easy to drink. 70 percent juice. 160 mg of caffeine per 16-ounce can. Slightly less sugar than most energy drinks (21 grams per 8-ounce serving). Autographing groupie boobs (Someday I will accomplish this).
Cons: A little too much passion fruit flavor. Not illegal or hedonistic enough for rock stars. My lack of passion.

19 thoughts on “Rockstar Juiced

  1. Oohhh, cool! I actually liked the taste of the original Rockstar… well, more than other energy drinks. Will be on the lookout for this one, a college student can’t ever have enough caffeine. :D

  2. I’m sure you could find many people who read your blog that would let you autograph their boobs! No need to be a rock star ;)

  3. Haven’t seen this around yet…my current favorite is Monster Khaos, which is…a 70% Juice blend. The Lost Five-0 is also quite good, but it’s only 50% juice. Have you tried either of those? Any thoughts on how they compare to this new Rockstar?

  4. Random Comment Published on Random Blog of the Day:

    Kids should not drive cars under the influence of helium in the state of Nevada.

  5. 160 milligrams of caffeine? Wow. That’s a lot of caffeine for your money. Good for those rockstars on a budget, I suppose.

  6. Sounds tasty. I almost picked one of these up the other day. Much better than the time I just had to curb my wonders about what vinaigrette in an energy drink could possibly taste like. *gag cough…Tab. This review tells my mind to reinstall GTA Vice City. Thanks! It will be a nice afternoon!
    BTW..Great review as usual….can you autograph my.. nvm

  7. Another awesome review! Wanna win free prizes just by searching Google??? Visit [deleted] and sign up to be my Blingo friend!

  8. minnie – Actually, I once took two Vivarins the night before a Japanese language final, and throughout the entire exam, my hands couldn’t stop shaking. Oh yeah, I was also sipping a Mountain Dew during the exam. So I guess sometimes college students can have enough caffeine. :-(

    Ultimate Best Vamp Ever – Yeah, but unfortunately they’re all dudes. :-(

    Webmiztris – Yes, I did. I also know that you love herbs.

    Adrian – I tried the Monster Khaos and I like it just as much as the Rockstar Juiced. As for the Lost Five-0, I haven’t tried that yet.

    Derrick – In only Nevada!?! Actually, kids shouldn’t be driving, period. Unless they’re sitting on phone books and there are bricks on the brake and accelerator, I don’t know how kids can drive.

    Mandy – Good for the thousands of independent label Emo bands!

    DeAndre’ – Enjoy, but enjoy responsibly.

    skibs – …copy of GTA Vice City. Sure.

    Andrew – I don’t know if I want to be your Blingo friend. It sounds hazardous to my health. It also sound like a dog name.

    Jude – I would not be surprised if some porn star out there created an energy drink. I’m betting it’s Jenna Jameson.

  9. I just went and tried this stuff to see if it was delicious and if it would get me through my 3 hour class. It came through on both accounts and in drinking it, I realized that it tastes almost exactly like Trident Tropical Twist gum, which you should definitely review. My roommate chews the stuff like it’s his job, so I’m intimately familiar with its flavor.

    …Is it weird that I find myself seeking out the things you review to try for myself? I think that makes me some sort of product stalker…

  10. Karen – Yes, I did read about her wine, but I didn’t know who Savanna Samson was. So I spent hours and hours doing online research on her. :-)

    Rhawb – No, I don’t find it weird that you seek out things that I’ve reviewed, but every time you do, God kills a kitten. ;-)

  11. You did research ON her?
    Hours and hours?
    Woah! Now THAT’s talent, Marvo.
    Wasn’t that… uh… a little hard… I mean um… difficult?
    Maybe next time you can do the research UNDER her.
    :)

  12. I personally prefer to have pitchers upon pitchers of coffee instead for
    Energy. trust me, it works. or there’s always brainwaves.org…

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