Kellogg’s Frosted Strawberry Go-Tarts!

Written by | May 25, 2006

Topics: Food, Pop-Tarts

How could you be so politically incorrect, Kellogg’s? How could you call a product Kellogg’s Frosted Strawberry Go-Tards?

You don’t see Post or General Mills pulling this kind of stuff.

Actually, it’s something I should’ve expected from you, Kellogg’s, after all you do have Honey Smacks, which has a frog that suggests I dig ‘em. I don’t know about you, but a cereal that encourages me to smack some honeys sounds like a very misogynous cereal.

How can you make fun of the mentally challenged? Each day these people make contributions to society just like the rest of us. Sure, they don’t make contributions that involve feeding the hungry, offering shelter to the homeless, or whatever Angelina Jolie does in third world countries and what they do may seem very odd to the rest of us, but they are people just like you and me.

The mentally challenged fill all kind of roles in society, like crocodile hunters, reality television stars, bear wrestlers, naked beekeepers, and all D-List celebrities.

Also, there’s magician David Blaine. Actually, I didn’t want to add the “magician” to his name, because in reality he doesn’t do any amazing feats of “magic.”

All he does is spend large amounts of time in shapes, like a box suspended in air, a block of ice, and a sphere of water. Unfortunately for him, being mentally challenged doesn’t allow him to realize that there are people every day who spend hours in high-rise boxes. They’re called office cubicle workers.

Just because they play with members of the animal kingdom that could possibly kill them, eat bugs for television, do “magic” tricks, or star in movies that get shown on HBO at 2 a.m., doesn’t give you the right to call them Tards, Kellogg’s.

If there’s anything that’s reTARDed, it’s the fact that your Go-Tards can’t be toasted or put in the microwave. They look like Snickers-sized toaster pastries, so they deserved to be put in the toaster. They are filled with strawberry filling goodness and my years of eating toaster pastries has taught me that strawberry filling goodness is much better if it’s warm.

Sure I would’ve preferred to have been able to toast them, but the Kellogg’s Frosted Strawberry Go-Tards were decent. They were pretty moist and I think they would make for a good snack. I also think they would be ideal to use as a distraction for the mentally challenged, so that you don’t have to deal with their mentally challenge-ness.

Oh wait…It’s not Go-Tards. It’s Go-TARTS.

I’m sorry Kellogg’s.

My bad. I guess I might be mentally challenged too.


Item: Kellogg’s Frosted Strawberry Go-Tarts!
Price: $4.00 (10 per box)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good, but not mind blowing good. Snickers-sized bars. 10 bars per box. Strawberry filling goodness. Might be useful as a distraction for mentally challenged people.
Cons: Can’t toast them. Can’t microwave them. My inability to read. Confusing Go-Tards with Go-Tarts. The misogynous cereal, Honey Smacks. David Blaine.






19 Comments For This Post I'd Love to Hear Yours!

  1. MAC Dodge says:

    Excellent review as always, Marvo!

  2. Chuck says:

    Go-tards? That would be an interesting product name. While politically incorrect, it still is probably better than if they called them Kellog’s Goat Turds.

  3. Domokun says:

    Well, lordy, either way, they’re clearly sponsoring something! Them ‘Tards (who love cake anyway, not fruity cardboard) or salacious tarts (me, cuz I’m such a flirty tease but I never ever give up my chocolate muffin). It’s like saying “You go gurl!” right there on the box. But, anyway, you hit the nail right on the head with David Blaine and this review.

  4. Archebaldo says:

    i got them a while back. didn’t really like them at all. toasting makes a world of difference.

  5. Wednesday says:

    I parsed it as “Go-Tards” the first time I saw it in the grocery store, too.

    But the best part of the review is that you’ve used “Snickers” as a unit of measurement. Screw metric, let’s go with practical. Snickers denotes weight, size and caloric value, all in one handy word.

  6. Melis says:

    Marvo, you are a special special (needs) person in a very special go-tarts way.

  7. klew says:

    “Go Tarts” could also become the battle-cry for some junior cheerleading team. Who says you can’t toast or microwave them? You can if you want, it just may end up messy in the end, like so many other things one isn’t meant to do.

  8. Angel H. says:

    I never understood the point of this product. Pop-Tarts are portable anyway, so why bother with the “go anywhere” Go-Tards if you can’t even heat them?

  9. skibs says:

    I’ve tried the chocolate kind. Wasn’t too bad but not very sweet if you’re looking for a sugar fix. Whatevers in the middle was an “interesting” flavor

    I agree David Blaine has been a complete weirdo lately, but in his defense he actually had good stuff on a show he did called “Street Magic” way before the dumb things he’s done recently. Has anyone seen it?! Its definitely more enjoyable than him freezing his balls off or freak-ass meditate thing on a pole or whatever he does now.

    There’s some awesome card tricks that I haven’t seen and he does this thing its GOTTA be an illusion.. where he levitates himself for a few seconds off of the ground.(on the street, for people) It looks VERY real. I’m still stumped. Great smoking show.

    Apologies for the Blaine rambling. I hate his stuff now too.

  10. Karen says:

    I can’t think of Pop-Tarts when you’re in MONTEREY!!!!

  11. marvo says:

    MAC Dodge – I wrote this review jet lagged and with two hours of sleep on an airplane.

    Chuck – I’m sure goat turds would find their niche among the goat lovers out there.

    Domokun – I wish I could hit David Blaine on the head with a nail.

    Archebaldo – I thought about actually putting one in the toaster, just to see what would happen, but I think the Pop-Tarts Gods would’ve gotten mad at me.

    Wednesday – I could go with practical metric measurements, like the Go-Tarts were Vegemite tube-sized.

    Melis – That would explain the special classes I took as a kid. Maybe GT didn’t stand for Gifted and Talented, maybe it stood for Go-Tards.

    klew – I’d hate to upset Kellogg’s and have Tony the Tiger come over and give me some bloody stripes.

    Angel H. – Yeah, regular Pop-Tarts are portable. If I can stick them in my pocket, it’s portable.

    skibs – I wanted to try the chocolate ones, but decided that would be too predictable. I decided to be spontaneous.

    Karen – You know what, just to make you feel better, I’m gonna say that I didn’t enjoy my time in Monterey. It was windy, cold, and full of boats.

  12. stuporstar says:

    What a great and funny review to wake up to today! You always keep me coming back for more!!

  13. Rylan says:

    Kinda reminds me of the Lil’ Dunkers review. Mabye its just me.

  14. marvo says:

    stuporstar – Thanks, now don’t you wish I wasn’t so lazy to write a review every day.

    Rylan – Or maybe I don’t know how to read. I is illiterate.

  15. Anna says:

    I can’t pass these in the store anymore without thinking of this review. You are hysterical.

  16. marvo says:

    Anna – I can’t pass the milk section without thinking of sucking on cow udders.

  17. kelsi says:

    misogynist cereal. you. effing. rock.
    well played, sir, well played.

  18. Grins says:

    Marvo my love I’m really beginning to be concerned about your dietary intake.

  19. marvo says:

    kelsi – Can’t be having smacked honeys or else I’m going to have to do some smacking myself.

    Grins – Don’t worry, honey bunny. Moderation. Moderation.