Despite my extremely macho exterior, I’m not afraid to admit that sometimes I feel like crying.
I’m not talking about a tear drop falling down my cheek, like I’m a Native American in a littering commercial or I’m listening to emo rock. I’m also not talking about my eyes getting watery like I have allergies or because I just got roshamboed in the balls.
I’m talking about full on bawling, like I would if a girlfriend broke up with me or I was being hunted down by the Predator or a chihuahua puppy that likes to bite ankles. I would also intensely cry if I were strapped to a chair and forced to either watch the direct-to-video Bring It On: All or Nothing or be given a lap dance by an oiled down Sally Struthers in a G-string.
I wasn’t always like this. Before, I was a manly man with a manly hairy chest and would only cry when my favorite sports teams won a championship.
However, I have grown a sensitive side, thanks to the 1990s Ralph Tresvant song “Sensitivity,” which taught me that women like men with a sensitive side and I need to be someone who can love you, someone who will need you, someone who will treat you right (like me girl), someone who will hold you tight, and someone stable in your life (ah baby).
Now I’m still a rough and rugged man on the outside, but on the inside I’m a fragile Precious Moments porcelain doll and I think I’m getting worse.
For example, the other day, I was watching the Karate Kid. During the final scene when Daniel-san goes into the Crane Technique and then strikes that asshole Johnny in the face, I started frickin’ bawling right after the crowd started cheering Daniel-san’s victory.
Whenever I feel a good cry coming on, I get the box of Kleenex ready. If there isn’t a box of Kleenex around, I’ll use a t-shirt sleeve, mine or someone else’s, or a pants leg or I’ll just let it drip dry.
The problem with Kleenex boxes is the fact that they’re so rigid and the floral designs on them make me even sadder because they remind me of funerals. So when I saw these Kleenex Expressions Oval Collection boxes with their sparkly bright colors and pleasing rounded shape, I was ecstatic. I was so thrilled that I started to cry a little in the store out of pure joy and had to rip open the box that’s pictured above.
It was like the Kleenex box got a makeover from the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy dudes. I think the changes to the boxes are not only pretty, but they’re practical as well. The box’s curved body makes it ideal to hug, because whenever I cry, I need to hug something. A normal rectangular Kleenex box is like your aunt who wears wayyyy too much Avon rose scented perfume, you just feel uncomfortable hugging them.
I think it’s nice that Kleenex is modernizing their boxes, but the pretty graphics and hugability doesn’t quite make up for the fact that the Kleenex Expressions Oval Collection boxes are slightly more expensive than a normal Kleenex box. To me, price does matter because I cry a lot and go through many Kleenex boxes, especially whenever I watch Beaches.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take my Kleenex Expressions Oval Collection box and go listen to some Dashboard Confessional.
Item: Kleenex Expressions Oval Collection
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: It’s Kleenex. Pretty shiny graphics. Box shape is perfect for hugging, when you need something to hold. The Crane Technique. Mr. Miyagi. A good cry.
Cons: Pricey for a box of Kleenex. My fragile Precious Moments porcelain doll interior. A Sally Struthers lap dance. Rectangular, rigid Kleenex boxes. Chihuahua puppies.