I’m not of big fan of the future, or its friends Miss Cleo and Dionne Warwick. They’ve disappointed me so many times, like at 12:01 a.m. on January 1, 2000 when everyone thought the world was going to end because of Y2K.
Just to let you know, I’m still eating the canned food I stocked up on back then and I’ve still got my looting gear, which consists of bricks to break windows, a black mask to hide my face, and a shopping cart to carry all the stuff I was going to steal.
I thought the future would bring us personal jet packs that would allow everyone to fly like birds, make it possible for short Asian people to dunk basketballs on regulation height rims, and give everyone the opportunity to join the Mile High Club. Instead we have the Segway personal transporter, which zips at a brisk 12.5 MPH and makes everyone who rides one look like a smug prick.
By now I thought there would be a MTV channel which plays ONLY music videos. For a while MTV2 filled that role, but quicker than you can say Wonder Showzen (which is frickin’ hilarious), but not as quick as I am to change the channel when The Andy Milonakis Show comes on, MTV2 began to focus less on music videos.
Finally, I hoped the future would bring breakfast pizza. I’m not talking about the leftover pizza sitting on the counter or in the fridge from last night’s swinger party you had. I’m talking about fresh pizza that I can order at 5:30 in the morning and have it delivered to my apartment within 30 minutes by some guy whose tip is going to be, “Here’s your tip. Don’t be a pizza delivery guy for the rest of your life.”
Instead, we have breakfast cookies to eat, which depending on your breakfast eating habits, is something totally new, a bowl of Cookie Crisp, or something you ate throughout college using Oreos and Chips Ahoy!
The breakfast cookies I’m talking about are the new Quaker Breakfast Cookies, which come in two flavors, Oatmeal Raisin and Apple Cinnamon. Despite its name, they’re more of a mid-morning snack instead of something that would be, as most cereal commercials say, “Part of a nutritious breakfast.”
They’re definitely healthier than regular cookies since they’re made with whole grain rolled oats and contain 5 grams of dietary fiber, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, zero grams of trans fat, and a whole bunch of vitamins and minerals. However, I don’t know if its healthiness quite makes up for its decent taste. I’ve never had an apple cinnamon cookie before, but I’ve had better tasting oatmeal raisin cookies than the Quaker Breakfast Cookies version.
I also gave a couple of cookies to my co-worker, who took a bite out of one of them, told me they were disgusting, threw away the uneaten portion, and then put me on her shit list.
Each soft and chewy cookie is about three inches to three and a half inches in diameter, which is a good size for a cookie, and they’re individually-wrapped, which makes it convenient for those people on the go, like those waking up the next morning after a swinger party on a workday.
(Editor’s Note: Thanks to the folks at Quaker and Fleishman-Hillard for sending me a couple of boxes of Quaker Breakfast Cookies. I predict that after reading this review they will never send me anything else ever again. Also, for more reviews of these cookies, go check out Bryan’s review at Cheap Eats and TG’s same-day thoughts at NYCE.)
Item: Quaker Breakfast Cookies
Price: FREE (Retails for $3.29)
Purchased at: Received free from Quaker
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Healthy. Individually packed. Good size. Makes a good mid-morning snack. 5 grams of dietary fiber. Vitamins and minerals. Wonder Showzen. Breakfast pizza. Cookie Crisp. Might be good for swinger parties.
Cons: Not the greatest tasting cookies in the world. Not part of a nutritious breakfast. Not good for those who don’t like soft cookies. No music only MTV. No personal jet packs. Being on my co-worker’s shit list.
What a great idea to get hot pizza in the morning…I bet that can happen in NYC or some other large metropolis. Now I want pizza for breakfast!
For some reason when I was reading your review, instead of seeing “personal jet packs” I saw the phrase “personal pet jacks.” I was like, what the hell is that?
I think pizza is great for breakfast, but I usually like cold pizza from the night before. Great for hangovers.
Buying your co-worker a large Starbucks should get you off her shit list fairly quickly.
I’ve had these before, i thought they were pretty good. Although I never ate them for breakfast, you could, if you had no poptarts on hand. I like to heat them in the microwave a bit and get them kind of warm.
Dude. Life is short. If you’re gonna have cookies for breakfast? HAVE COOKIES FOR BREAKFAST. I recommend the new limited edition dulche la leche Oreos. *drool* (I swear I was drooling over YOU, just then, Marvo.)
I stopped accepting products for review Marvo because I hate when people send me stuff and it tastes God awful and then I have to write about it. I tried these breakfast cookies too. Just those two words together are an oxymoron, but I guess they didn’t say it was a ‘healthy’ breakfast cookie.
I read Brian’s review earlier this month and I thought they sounded pretty good, but your review makes them sound not so good.
Not too long back Quaker made a Banana-Nut Breakfast Bar or hunk if you will…it was sooo dense I could only manage one bite and it went in the trash. I guess this is there next attempt at a “breakfast” on the go.
I think cold pizza tastes better after it has a night to ‘sit.’
And I think the main market for this product are the guilty moms trying to foist breakfast on their reluctant children.
Looks like a crappy circular cereal bar.
I like the Apple Cinnamon ones. I buy them for our Monday morning staff meetings because we have a boss that is very health conscious (no donuts for us!), and off all the healthy-like items I bring, these are the most popular. (I also bring Kashi granola bars, Quaker Breakfast Bars, and Fig Newtons–it varies every Monday).
So which one is the lesser of two mediocres?
Good review. I might try the Apple Cinnamon kind, since I hate raisins. But if these cookies are as blah as you say, I’ll stick to the granola bars, which are quite good.
Marvo, have you heard of a new music network called “The Tube”? I don’t know if it’s available in Hawaii (that is where you live, right?) but it’s a station that plays (gasp) nothing but music! It’s like MTV…15 years ago.
Marvo,
I ran across your site one late night last week while surfing for porn. I can’t recall exactly how I came across it, but I did. Anywhore, I have been coming back to catch up on all your 300+ reviews and so far I have read several that have left me giggling and farting, but not necessarily in that order. I read this one about the “breakfast” cookies and I can’t recall ever having tried them. I have tried cold leftover pizza & chicken though. Ugh. Good review nonetheless. I like the Quaker oatmeal and would like to try the Quaker Cold Leftover Breakfast Pizzaâ„¢ or Chickenâ„¢ if they ever manufactured it.
-dave
p.m.s. i also caught sight that you have a myspace.com profile and decided to be a friend. I too can be a MySpace.com whore. Ugh.
Sasha_Kitty – Now that I think about it, who needs delivery when I can get DiGiornos pizza.
Chuck – Oh man, I don’t want to know what personal pet jacks are.
Sam – I wonder what would happen if I stuck one in a toaster…I’ll be right back. Nope, doesn’t help them.
Mir – IF I could find those Oreos I totally would drool over them with you underneath them. 😉
tanya – I’ve been thinking about not accepting products too, but all the free condoms are going to come in handy when I actually do start getting some action again. 🙂
skibs – Well we should be glad that Quaker doesn’t make hot oatmeal to go. Oh wait, I just gave them an idea. 🙁
notricecakesandjellyagain – Moms have a hard time feeding breakfast to their kids? Man, when I was growing up I looked forward to breakfast, especially when we had Lucky Charms in the house.
Sylko – I heart Fig Newtons.
calvin – Hands down, the Apple Cinnamon was the crappier one to me.
Brie – Oh crap, I do have The Tube, but it’s only on digital cable and my digital cable box has been broken for the past five months.
-dave – I just hope you weren’t the guy looking for Kids Next Door Porn or hermaphrodite porn. For some reason, I get a number of visitors searching for those things.
Marvo,
I think it was goat sex porn I was trying to find. The neat thing about goat sex is after you have intercourse, you can make a tasty & delicious four course meal complete with goat cheese & crackers, a tall glass of freshly squeezed goat’s milk, and for the main dish, soft & tender goat simmered with almonds & saffron. Yum yum! Bon Appetit’! Ugh.
-dave
I prefer an M&M Kudos bar as my “healthy” breakfast of choice.
I must also say I once thought the Segway was the biggest waste of engineering ever, until I got to see Paris Hilton fall off of one while attempting to utilize it as a dusting chariot. Now, best damn thing they’ve ever come up with.
You’re on to something with the breakfast pizza. Package that up and people would go nuts for it. You could even put bacon on it to make it more breakfasty. As for breakfast cookies, I don’t care how healthy you make them that’s just wrong. Cookies are for eating as snacks not as a meal. As if sugary cereal, poptarts and donuts aren’t enough, we have to add cookies to our breakfast repertoir.
I actually thought they weren’t half bad, but then they were free and you know how that goes with me… probably influenced me a bit. So we ate them all. The biggest issue I had was the chalky sort of aftertaste. That and the price.
Also, where can I get a jetpack because i really, really need one. The only one I’ve seen is owned by Geek Squad and I don’t think they’ll let me borrow it.
Red Baron makes a microwaveable breakfast pizza. It’s about as good as you expect.
What about good ole Bagel Bites – ‘Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at suppertime’
Or have you forgotten that ‘when pizza’s on a bagel you can eat pizza anytime!’
I haven’t yet tried these, but after reading your review, I don’t think I will. Well, if they go on sale and I can double coupons or something I might, I eat an inordinate amount of breakfast-y bars while driving the 25 miles into town every day. My new yummy favorite — Caribou Coffee Chocolate Mocha chewy granola bars. Whenever I eat it one, I pretend am having a Starbucks instead of whatever caffeinated diet soda is keeping me company during my drive. Smells soooooo goooood! Unfortunately, they don’t keep me full, and I end up eating the lunch I brough from home at 11:00 a.m., and am starving and rooting around my desk for more food late in the afternoon.
lmao! that’s too funny that Quaker sent you the cookies and you hated them. I don’t blame you though – they look/sound pretty bland. even more bland than The Andy Milonakis Show, if that’s possible.
Sound like quaker needs to stick to oatmeal, I havn’t been impressed with there breakfast bars either.
Wow, you got them free directly from Quaker? You’re getting pretty famous aren’t ya?
I
WANT
THESE
!!!!!!!
I’ve never had these, but I’m kinda wary after the Quaker Oatmeal Sqaures. Have you ever left a bowl of oatmeal sitting on the counter for about 10 minutes? Tastes just like that.
P.S. Thanks to “thedvs01” for getting that jingle stuck in my head! =D
Hey Marvo, I just noticed that they only give you 6 cookies per box. That sucks; that’s not even a full week of cookie goodness.
Amber, I’m cracking up at the Caribou Coffee mention. Their Caramel Cooler is practically orgasmic.
I remember reading last year that Papa John’s was trying out breakfast pizzas for delivery:
http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/food/2005-12-07-pizza-breakfast_x.htm
And this actually does include delivery, it seems, so it seems like this would fit what you are asking for.
Regarding these Quaker breakfast cookies; I picked some up a while ago to try them, because I wanted to get more oatmeal in my diet, but don’t have the time or patience to even make a bowl of instant oatmeal for breakfast. I think they tasted OK, but they are definitely bland, especially compared to eating an actual oatmeal cookie. But it does seem like you get a lot of real oatmeal in them, and they weren’t any worse than Quaker’s oatmeal breakfast bar things.
Those look repulsive. What kind of message are we sending. Cookies for breakfast. Now Pizza & Beer that’s how you start your day off right. Maybe some left over Holloween candy from last year to choke down as a chaser so your breath doesn’t smell like inside of Mel Gibson’s car after a night at Moonshadows.
baaaarrrrfff on their cookies, bars and any future crap they make.
-dave – Ahh, goatse.
Barb – I thought the ThighMaster was the biggest waste of engineering ever.
Energy Guru – Hmm, besides the bacon, how about some eggs. Wait, then I’d be making a quiche.
Bryan – If they’re not going to let you borrow it, I’d suggest you steal it.
Wednesday – Went to the Red Baron website and saw them. They don’t look to appetizing, just like me in a pair of Speedos.
thedvs01 – Oh yeah, I forgot about that, but I think I want something bigger, like 20-inches. Wait that doesn’t sound quite right.
AmberLB – Caribou Coffee Chocolate Mocha Chewy. Caribou Coffee Chocolate Mocha Chewy. Caribou Coffee Chocolate Mocha Chewy. Caribou Coffee Chocolate Mocha Chewy. Caribou Coffee Chocolate Mocha Chewy. Caribou Coffee Chocolate Mocha Chewy. Oh sorry, that’s just really fun to say repeatedly.
Webmiztris – I think you should have your own reality show, Dawn. It would be wayyy funnier than The Andy Milonakis Show.
wine – Quaker really needs to get rid of the top hat and the white hair. I’m thinking skull cap and corn rolls.
Toni – Or I’m becoming a free product whore.
K – GO BUY SOME!!! AT YOUR LOCAL SUPERMARKET!!! I THINK THEY’RE IN THE CEREAL AISLE!!! NEAR THE POP-TARTS!!! PEACE OUT!!!
Angel H. – I’ve never been a fan of oatmeal. I don’t like the texture of it. Although I’ve been curious to take an oatmeal bath.
Brie – Caribou Coffee Caramel Cooler. Caribou Coffee Caramel Cooler. Caribou Coffee Caramel Cooler. Caribou Coffee Caramel Cooler. Caribou Coffee Caramel Cooler. Caribou Coffee Caramel Cooler. Caribou Coffee Caramel Cooler. Oh sorry, that fun to say repeatedly too.
Zadillo – Wow, that Papa John’s pizza must have failed since I don’t see it on the menu online. Well at least it’s good to know that someone tried it.
Griffin – Pizza and beer sounds like something that would be perfect during any time of the day.
laina – Baarrrfff on anything that Sean Preston Federline/Spears makes in the future.
Breakfast Pizza: Buffalo Pizza Co in Sacramento makes breakfast pizzas. They are very popular at early morning staff meetings.
Sylko – But do they deliver?