Miracle Bubbles

I’ve gone through an entire bottle of Miracle Bubbles, blowing more bubbles than a bus load of bored bubble gum chewers, and I have found nothing miraculous about it. There’s as much “miracle” in it as there is in a jar of Miracle Whip.

Oh wait, I’m sorry. There is one thing miraculous about Miracle Whip and it’s that people still eat it.

I don’t know what I liked about blowing bubbles when growing up. I would blow bubbles into the air and then try to swat at them, like they were mosquitos, bees or if I just sniffed some rubber cement, the floating heads of the band KISS.

Keep that tongue away from me Gene Simmons!

Oh sorry, flashback.

(Editor’s Note: Now children, sniffing rubber cement is bad, m’kay.)

I’d also try to catch some of the bubbles in my mouth and attempt to make huge bubbles, which always ended up with the bubble bursting and the bubble solution landing in my eye, causing it to burn and me go crying to my mommy, like the little pussy I was back then in 2004.

Much like a vibrator with low batteries, I don’t think anyone could get much fun out of a bottle of Miracle Bubbles. Although, I think several minutes of fun can be had if you decided to blow some Miracle Bubbles in the direction of a baby, cat, dog, or crazy hobo. Consider it liquid entertainment for a baby, a liquid ball of yarn for a cat, a liquid chew toy for a dog, or liquid voices in the head of a crazy hobo.

The bottle of Miracle Bubbles would be even less fun without the included Chinese-made Miracle Wand, much like how some wands are less fun without Viagra. Without it, it would be hard to make bubbles with the Mexican-made bubble solution. I think playing with Miracle Bubbles is as fun as making the actual Miracle Bubbles in a Mexican factory.

A bottle of Miracle Bubbles could become fun if it actually could perform miracles, like float in the air and ignore the laws of gravity, part the Red Sea, turn water into wine, get Aaron and Nick Carter their own reality show, give Larry the Cable Guy a career, or get a woman to talk to me.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love bubbles.

I love it with soap.

I love it with shampoo.

I love it with toothpaste.

I even love Bubbles from the Powerpuff Girls.

But despite going through a whole bottle of Miracle Bubbles, it just didn’t excite me. Although, it might’ve been different if I had a cat, dog, or crazy hobo around.

Item: Miracle Bubbles
Price: 50 cents
Purchased at: A store with a bunch of cheap junk
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Fun with cats, dogs, and crazy hobos. Non-toxic, but also non-edible. Miracle wand included! Brings together cheap labor from China AND Mexico.
Cons: Seconds of fun, unless you have a cat, dog, or crazy hobo. Kinda messy with dripping bubble solution. Not for children under the age of 3. Nothing really miraculous about the bubbles. Miracle Whip. A vibrator with low batteries.

24 thoughts on “Miracle Bubbles

  1. Aw c’mon Miracle Whip isn’t as bad as Larry the Cable Guy or the Carter Brothers. Growing up it was all we used on sandwiches in my house (my white trash roots are showing, aren’t they? Anybody have some shame dye?). Obviously I wouldn’t even look at the stuff now, much less eat it, but I have fond memories. It basically tastes like mayo with extra lemon juice. If you’ve never had it, I think you’ll have to do a review…I’m sure they’ve come up with some crazy remix of the stuff by now to try to appeal to younger, hipper sandwich eaters. It also tastes kind of like some of the weird mayo-based sauces they use at Jack In The Box, again, I wouldn’t darken the door of one of the places now, but it used to be a fave.

  2. i’d eat miracle whip way before i’d ever watch Nick and Erin Carter, or the cable guy for that matter! It’d be a miracle if I could keep from throwing it up though come to think of it.

  3. I know that they have catnip flavored bubbles for cats. I wonder if it works for crazy hobos too?

    So what exactly is so miraculous about the miracle wand?

  4. Hey, wait, bubbles are fun! You can sit and stare at them… Maybe you need to discover the joys of pot and bubbles together. Also, Pustafix are the best bubbles, hands down.

  5. My, that is a random review. What are you going to review next, water? LOL, funny anyway, Marv.

  6. Never had Miracle Whip, never shall. It’s gross, no matter what you do with it.However, the bubbles i’ll try. I love bubbles! (I also like Gene Simmons but that’s another story.)

  7. No Michael Jackson “blowing bubbles” jokes? I’m disappointed. Or have we reached a point in time where the idea of Michael Jackson giving oral sex to a chimp would be considered an improvement over reality, and thus it is no longer funny?

  8. Hey.. bubbles were fun. I think. They probably were. Although, I suppose I’d be dissapointed to if I bought a product called miracle bubbles, and still couldn’t even do the basics, walking on water and the like. But.. still.

  9. L’il E – I think I’ve had Miracle Whip during every decade I’ve been alive and each time I didn’t like it. Also, did you ever have Miracle Whip only sandwiches growing up?

    Chuck – The rubber cement sniffing was in the past and look how normal I turned out.

    Suzanne – Eating a Miracle Whip sandwich, while watching the Carter’s reality show and listening to Larry the Cable Guy…I think those equal to the possible coming of an apocalypse.

    Webmiztris – Always getting bubble mixture in your mouth? You gotta stop blowing bubbles while smoking weed, because it sounds like you’re inhaling the bubbles, but blowing on the weed. 🙂

    Domokun – The real question you should be asking is: How much of my heterosexuality is lost by blowing bubbles? I love poontang!

    DaDead – I consider crazy hobos to be like giant tamagochis. Feed them and they poop. Blow bubbles in their direction and they swat at them like fire demon birds are pecking at them. Give them money and they buy alcohol.

    jenn – Yeah, a sex shop is probably the place where someone would find flavored bubbles. After all, a sex shop has edible underwear.

  10. Toni – I think crumpled up sheets of paper thrown at the crazy hobo also works. There’s nothing really miraculous about the miracle wand.

    superblondgirl – So is blowing bubbles hard with cotton mouth?

    The Warden – Actually, I’ve been thinking about going prehistoric with the reviews and do a couple on the wheel and fire.

    K – You only like his snake-length tongue. Admit it.

    Zadillo – I don’t think Jacko went down on Bubbles the Chimp, because wasn’t that what the little boys were for?

    Barb – So is Tetris.

    Andy – Heck, I’d be happy if the Miracle Bubbles could make me a turkey sandwich.

  11. i bet k-fed and family would love bubbles, in the alter-bazzro world of hip rappers and real talent in the hyper-all-terrain vehicles get your latte-caffine fix before driving over some hobo

  12. Pillow Hugger – It would be REALLY cool if science could create bubble shapes.

    dbcooper – I don’t know if K-Fed loves bubbles, but I definitely know he likes making babies and horrible rhymes.

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