3 Musketeers & Milky Way Slammers

Copying, cloning, imitating…it seems so easy to do, because it is.

Xeroxing your ass at work, Dolly the Sheep, shitty boy bands, and the midterm exams of anyone who sat next to me in my physics, chemistry, and math classes in college are all examples of how easy it is to copy things. Although, I have to admit that I earned C’s and D’s in my physics, chemistry, and math classes, so I apparently sat next to the wrong people.

Sometimes copying is so easy that you can cut and paste a review from a quasi-product review blog, add your own lame comments, and then claim you wrote the whole damn thing by yourself.

(Editor’s Note: There was a link for the comment above, but I decided to remove it, since he admitted to it and apologized. To be honest, he actually seems like pretty decent guy. So all is good.)

Without copying, imitating, plagiarism and Cliff Notes, I probably wouldn’t have my English degree.

Now if it’s so easy copy things, why is it that these 3 Musketeers and Milky Way Slammers don’t really taste much like actual 3 Musketeers and Milky Way candy bars. I tested it by drinking a swig of a Slammers and then took a bite from the candy bar it was supposed to imitate. They both taste good as chocolate milks, but neither one came really close to tasting like their solid brethren.

It’s sort of like Tito Jackson not being able to match the success, weirdness, and child molestation charges of his brother Michael.

I don’t know about the Milky Way Slammers, but as for the 3 Musketeers Slammers, I think there’s only one reason why it doesn’t really taste like a 3 Musketeer candy bar.

That reason is Splenda, which has been the reason for the war in Iraq, Scientology, Jen and Brad breaking up, spam emails, freeway traffic, white guys who act black, holes in the ozone layer, AFLAC commercials, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, internet porn addiction, Limp Bizkit cover bands, welfare abuse, Madonna adopting children, the lack of laws to protect copyrights in China, my hairy palms, why rappers keep getting shot, dropped calls on cell phones, spinning rims, and for some reason it’s the catalyst that makes me dance when I hear the Duran Duran song, “The Reflex.”

The one thing that surprised me about both the 3 Musketeers and Milky Way Slammers is the fact that they don’t need to be refrigerated, despite containing milk. Of course, after you open it, it is necessary to refrigerate what you don’t drink.

I don’t know about you, but that’s scary AND exciting. It’s as scary and exciting as placing an ad in the “Curious” section of your local alternative newspaper.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Matt Freeman from Edelman for sending me the free samples. Tanya at I.ATE.A.PIE.NET also reviewed the Milky Way Slammers last year. Oh yeah, TIB reviewed the Starburst Slammers last year. That one I didn’t get free.)

Item: 3 Musketeers & Milky Way Slammers
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Received from PR Firm
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Tastes good as regular chocolate milk. Vitamins and minerals, but not really significant amounts. No child molesting for Tito Jackson. Despite it being made with milk, it doesn’t need to be refrigerated until after opening it or if you want it cold. Low and reduced fat.
Cons: Really doesn’t taste like the actual candy bars they’re named after. Everything Splenda is responsible for. Jacko. Placing an ad in the “Curious” section of your local alternative newspaper.

27 thoughts to “3 Musketeers & Milky Way Slammers”

  1. Chuck – Just don’t snort either one up your nose like blow.

    Mir – Fried candy bars kind of intrigues me and scares me.

    L’il E – I predict within five years there will be a Limp Bizkit cover band and they will have more groupies than I will ever have.

    jenn – How about “shooters?”

    BulkHedd – I heart technology.

    Webmiztris – Ooooh, pickled insides.

    Domokun – I’d take anything but a bullet for the team.

    Wednesday – Reese’s Klondike bars also rock.

    The Lazy Canadian – I’m a big fan of Sorkin’s Sports Night, probably one of my top 10 favorite shows ever, but Studio 60 just hasn’t grabbed me.

    FatYoli – Snickers spread? I have never seen or heard of that before.

  2. Andy – It could’ve been powered milk. Blech!

    TG – Only a few minutes? I think I need to write longer reviews.

    Barb – Mmm…Jello Pudding Cups.

    dramastically – Whoa, whoa. Tom Cruise and Vanilla Ice? Now that’s just plain insulting, and I did not say any of that.

    Ben – Everything is cool man.

    Melanie – I can imagine NutraSweet sucked up my nose.

    Brie – I would make a video, but it would so long and so disturbing and a lot of footage of my ass.

    Rylan – No Hello Kitty.

    Frederson – I loved Sports Night (I have it on DVD), but I’m just not feeling Studio 60.

    Miriam – Belly Button Washers sounds even worse.

  3. Heh, so this Ben guy was plagiarizing you for a while eh? I know all about that.

    Exhibit A:

    Exhibit B:

    Cool thing that Ben apologized and stopped doing it, as did my plagiarizer. But some people just have no morals. I read this one blog where the plagiarizer was actually taking the blogger’s pictures. Hell, she(he?) stole a picture of the blogger’s DOG and posted it! That’s just low, man.

  4. When I was little people always used to say, “It’s all Heather’s fault!”

    Thanks to you (and Splenda), I can now say, “It’s all Splenda’s fault!!!!”

    However, I probably won’t because 1) I

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