I’ve gone through an entire bottle of Miracle Bubbles, blowing more bubbles than a bus load of bored bubble gum chewers, and I have found nothing miraculous about it. There’s as much “miracle” in it as there is in a jar of Miracle Whip.

Oh wait, I’m sorry. There is one thing miraculous about Miracle Whip and it’s that people still eat it.

I don’t know what I liked about blowing bubbles when growing up. I would blow bubbles into the air and then try to swat at them, like they were mosquitos, bees or if I just sniffed some rubber cement, the floating heads of the band KISS.

Keep that tongue away from me Gene Simmons!

Oh sorry, flashback.

(Editor’s Note: Now children, sniffing rubber cement is bad, m’kay.)

I’d also try to catch some of the bubbles in my mouth and attempt to make huge bubbles, which always ended up with the bubble bursting and the bubble solution landing in my eye, causing it to burn and me go crying to my mommy, like the little pussy I was back then in 2004.

Much like a vibrator with low batteries, I don’t think anyone could get much fun out of a bottle of Miracle Bubbles. Although, I think several minutes of fun can be had if you decided to blow some Miracle Bubbles in the direction of a baby, cat, dog, or crazy hobo. Consider it liquid entertainment for a baby, a liquid ball of yarn for a cat, a liquid chew toy for a dog, or liquid voices in the head of a crazy hobo.

The bottle of Miracle Bubbles would be even less fun without the included Chinese-made Miracle Wand, much like how some wands are less fun without Viagra. Without it, it would be hard to make bubbles with the Mexican-made bubble solution. I think playing with Miracle Bubbles is as fun as making the actual Miracle Bubbles in a Mexican factory.

A bottle of Miracle Bubbles could become fun if it actually could perform miracles, like float in the air and ignore the laws of gravity, part the Red Sea, turn water into wine, get Aaron and Nick Carter their own reality show, give Larry the Cable Guy a career, or get a woman to talk to me.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love bubbles.

I love it with soap.

I love it with shampoo.

I love it with toothpaste.

I even love Bubbles from the Powerpuff Girls.

But despite going through a whole bottle of Miracle Bubbles, it just didn’t excite me. Although, it might’ve been different if I had a cat, dog, or crazy hobo around.

Item: Miracle Bubbles
Price: 50 cents
Purchased at: A store with a bunch of cheap junk
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Fun with cats, dogs, and crazy hobos. Non-toxic, but also non-edible. Miracle wand included! Brings together cheap labor from China AND Mexico.
Cons: Seconds of fun, unless you have a cat, dog, or crazy hobo. Kinda messy with dripping bubble solution. Not for children under the age of 3. Nothing really miraculous about the bubbles. Miracle Whip. A vibrator with low batteries.

The Shopping Cart takes a look at things that I’ve bought, but am too lazy to write a full review for.

What I’m Wearing That Shows My Inability To Properly Use Long Hard Things

Yes, I don’t know how to use chopsticks, especially those damn long plastic Chinese chopsticks.

My Japanese ancestors are probably rolling in their graves…Oh wait, they were cremated. Let me rephrase the previous sentence. My Japanese ancestors are probably kicking up ashes in their urns, because I have the chopstick proficiency of a one-year-old in Japan or a nervous, old horny man experiencing nyotaimori (Possible NSFW) for the very first time.

Over the years, I’ve gotten better at eating with chopsticks. As long as I can stab what I’m eating, I won’t starve. But when it comes to eating noodles or rice with chopsticks, I instantly jump on the Atkins low-carb diet.

I’m ashamed of my chopstick ineptness and have been wearing this recently purchased Threadless t-shirt called “Sticks of Shame” like a scarlet letter. The design says something in Japanese, but I can’t read it at all, which in turn is making my Japanese ancestors kick up ashes in their urns again.

Fortunately, the English translation is printed in small type on the right side. It says, “I can’t use chopsticks. Because of this, MY FACE BURNS WITH SHAME!!!…can I please have fork.”

I would also settle for a spork.

Whut’s Bumpin’ In My Totally Un-Pimped Out Japanese Compact Car

Aw yeah! Now dats whut I’m talkin’ ’bout, y’all!

My man, Weird Al is dropping some crazy shit on y’all wit his new joint, “White & Nerdy” from his brand new album, “Straight Outta Lynwood.” Lynwood! Represent!

It’s a parody of smooth southern rapper Chamillionaire’s joint “Ridin’.” Yo, I gots to say dat dis gots to be one of da illest parodies dat, my boy, Weird Al has done. Ya heard!

Yo, some of y’all might not think dis polka boy gots da skillz to be droppin’ mad rhymes, but yo, check da lyrics, y’all. Check da lyrics.

I’ve been browsin’, inspectin’
X-Men comics, you know I collect ‘em
The pens in my pocket, I must protect ‘em
My ergonomic keyboard never leaves me bored
Shopping online for deals on some writable media
I edit Wikipedia
I memorized Holy Grail really well
I can recite it right now and have you ROTFLOL

Dang! Dat white boy can drop rhymes, y’all. So if y’all wants to be shakin’ your asses at your next LAN party, Dungeons & Dragons gathering, or at da comic book store, go buy dis phat track.

Da video fo’ “White & Nerdy,” is on YouTube, so go check it out.