REVIEW: High Intensity Monster Mints

On behalf of all the monsters out there, I just want to thank Monster for finally making a mint specifically made for monsters. I’m sure all monsters, whether they be zombies, gargoyles, werewolves, vampires, Frankenstein, Cookie Monster, or supermodel Naomi Campbell, are finally happy to have a mint that we can call our own.

Oh, you didn’t know I was a monster?

I thought the hairy arms, hairy legs, and fangs gave me away, but I guess you thought I’m just a really hairy Asian guy.

In reality, I’m a werewolf. Don’t worry, I don’t go around mauling people…just homeless ones and those who come to my door to sell me something. I’d show you a video I have of me walking around topless, but you would probably think that you’re either watching a National Geographic special or the Kitty Scratching Post Channel.

Also, the movie Teen Wolf starring Michael J. Fox, is loosely based about my life in high school, and no, I did not receive any royalties.

Each of the roughly dime-sized minty High Intensity Monster Mints are just as curiously strong as any of the Altoids mints I’ve had and their texture is smooth, unlike the chalky Altoids. That minty breath freshening goodness is perfect to help cover up bad breath after we monsters eat things like onions, human flesh, peanut butter, human blood, and garlic…oh wait, in the vampires case, definitely not garlic.

The sugar-free Monster Mints come in two flavors, the cinnamon-flavored Intensely Spicy and minty High Intensity, which don’t really sound like flavors at all, more like settings for a 25 cent vibrating bed in a sleazy motel room you can rent by the hour.

Despite its ability to help mask the dreaded blood breath, there’s a major problem with the High Intensity Monster Mints…its price.

At the Neiman-Marcus-like price of $5.99 per can for about fifty mints, I thought they would do something more than freshen my breath, like turn me into a normal human being or bring peace among monsters and human so that we may no longer need to fear torch-wielding mobs or silver bullets, both of which are truly the dreams of all monsters.

We monsters don’t want to hurt. We just want to be loved.

The High Intensity Monster Mints are about twice the price as other comparable mints and definitely out of the price range for those monsters whose jobs are to either terrorize villagers, eat the brains of living humans, suck the blood out of unsuspecting victims, or abuse assistants, because those don’t pay very well.

Cookie Monster is probably the only monster who can afford it, but as all monsters know, he’s a fuckin’ sellout. He wouldn’t be making the bank he’s making now if he continued to be what he originally was, the Cooking Monster, a master human flesh chef who was train in the culinary arts at the finest schools and was known for killing his own fresh ingredients.

Cookie Monster is like Larry the Cable Guy, they’re both fake. Cookie Monster may seem to have a limited vocabulary that consists of just “Me want cookie,” but he actually can speak FIVE languages, including Latin.

Who the fuck speaks Latin anymore?

Anyway, the High Intensity Monster Mints maybe strong enough for a monster, but made for those monsters with monster wallets.

I’m talking about you, Cookie Bitch!

Item: High Intensity Monster Mints
Price: $5.99
Purchased at: CompUSA
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Sugar free. Strong mint. Good at masking blood and human flesh breath. Peace between humans and monsters. Being human.
Cons: Super damn expensive for mints. Flavor name sounds like a setting for a vibrating bed. That fuckin’ sellout Cookie Monster. Vampires and garlic. Being Naomi Campbell’s assistant.

25 thoughts to “REVIEW: High Intensity Monster Mints”

  1. Mints from CompUSA, huh? Anyway, I took Latin for four years in high school, even passed the AP test. Which, even now as I study science, Latin isn’t all that useful, but at least I don’t feel bad for all the rest of them who forgot their Spanish and French, which is more useful than Latin.

  2. Altoids will always be my favorite even if they’re not sugar free. Good luck with the next full moon! I suppose only a werewolf can truly gauge the effectiveness of a mint for breath freshening after you finish devouring raw meat.

  3. The first thing I thought of were Monster cables, you know the super high-end AV cables that go for insane prices (the highest end sets will set you back like $100). Maybe they really DID go into the mint market . . . you DID pick them up at CompUSA after all.

  4. What do the mints look like? You say dime-size, but that doesn’t seem so big if you consider that Life-Savers’ mints are the size of a quarter.

  5. Did you know the Cookie Monster was put in rehab?
    Supposedly he’s the Vegetable Monster now.
    I’d imagine he’d look like a crack addict… super skinny, stringy hair, dark undereye circles… although you probably couldn’t see the undereye circles ’cause of all the stringy fur.

    The whole time I was reading this review, I kept thinking about ‘Monsters, Inc.’ and Scully and Boo where Boo called him, “Kitty” and kept petting his hair. LoL. Especially when you mentioned secretly being a werewolf disguised as a really hairy Asian.

  6. I like Altoids mini’s, Marvo. All the power with none of the chalky feel. And these are $6? The hell with that!

    I thought the Cookie Monster was a sell-out because he became a vegan or something. That really sucks, because he (along with the rest of Sesame Street) was a big part of my childhood. 🙁

    I can’t believe Sesame Street is now PC. First Bert and Ernie are considered gay, now the Cookie Monster. From what I heard, with juvenile diabetes on the rise, a lot of parents were concerned that their kids eat too many cookies b/c CM told them to. Damn kids.

  7. Latin? people deeply into the occut like priests or Satan worshipers. marvo no one can be that hairy so you really are a monster so i’d better get my gun ready.

    ps those mints are pricey are they even that strong? fuck em anyways i like the altoids mints

  8. i thought they killed off cookie monster and now call him veggie monster?

    you know, so all the little kids dont rot their teeth out?

    and that whole health bull shyt

    =]

  9. Hello Marvo! I must say I’ve been following Impulsive Buy for about 10 months now. I just never posted….. but this was a good review! Yea, how can you buy mints at CompUSA? I thought all they had was geek stuff.

  10. Oscar the Grouch (my personal favorite) would kick Cookie Monster’s ass. With or without fresh minty breath. But anyway, Marvo, the way your mind works, I’m surprised you didn’t find another use for the mints…

  11. Looking at the logo imprinted on the tin, it does look like Monster cables have oddly enough branched out into mint territory. Maybe they realize that ultra computer geeks who don’t get enough sunlight, proper nutrition, and don’t bathe often also probably don’t brush their teeth often and need a bit of help. After all, popping a mint in your mouth is easier than getting out of your chair, leaving your room, and venturing in the bathroom.

  12. Mir – Are you sure, Mirwolf?

    L’il E – Yup, the logo is the Monster Cable logo. I’m surprised these mints didn’t cost $10.

    Abi – The mints are shaped like the tin they come in and aren’t very big. Definitely smaller than Life-Savers, but bigger than Altoids.

    Heather Feather – Boo to vegetables! Oh wait, you’re vegetarian! Boo to crack!

    Brie – Also, Elmo is a hermaphrodite.

    tg – Definitely not the Freshmaker.

    DaDead – Don’t forget the silver bullets!

    B-rad – Geez, their teeth are going to fall out anyway, so why not expedite the process with candy.

  13. Hunter – The CompUSA I go to has a shelf of mints and gums near the registers. I guess it’s for impulsive buying people. I think they also sell the Bawls Energy Drink.

    Kiki – Remember…I’m single. There’s no one I could test that with. I tried yoga and that didn’t work either.

    Erika – No, I think Coal Gum would be much more appropriate.

    Toni – I wonder if they’ll every come out with a Monster Energy Drink to compete with the other Monster Energy Drink. I bet if they do, it’ll be about $5 per can. Those greedy bastards.

    L’il E – All Monster Cable products are so way overpriced. I’d have to rob Cookie Monster to be able to afford them.

    Webmiztris – I’d suggest the Eclipse Gum BigE Pack. It’s 60 pieces of gum for $4 here. For you in bumfuck nowhere, it’s probably $3.

  14. Heather Feather – Um, drug crack or overweight belt-less plumber crack?

    Brie – Technically, that video could’ve been done with one Elmo.

  15. Drug crack. Dur. Whos NOT gonna boo the overweight belt-less plumber crack?
    You know what’s even worse though?
    Overweight plumbers who DO wear a belt yet you can still see their crack.
    Eww.

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