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Crazy Visitor Email #1
By Marvo | December 8, 2006
Okay, here’s a new segment I’m going to try out, and it’s called Crazy Visitor Emails. I got the idea from our radioactive friends over at Heat. Eat. Review. Let me know what you think of it in the comments.
I wanted to do this because every so often The Impulsive Buy gets emails from people who are either looking for a particular product, wondering if a particular product was discontinued, or want complain about a product. It sounds normal, but these people think The Impulsive Buy is either the actual company they’re trying to contact or affiliated with the company. We at The Impulsive Buy like to call these people, “Those Who Shouldn’t Have Access To The Internet Because They Don’t Know How to Use It.”
Below is an actual email from a visitor who thought The Impulsive Buy is part of the company they are trying to contact. Along with the email is the reply I have thought about sending, but decided against doing so because I’m afraid that they’ll think the company is actually sending them an email back, which will probably lead to another email.
The name has been changed to protect the ignorant.
From: Martha
Date: October 25, 2006
Subject: ZIPLOC DOUBLE ZIPPER BAGS
I JUST RECEIVED A FREE SAMPLE OF THE ZIPLOC DOUBLE ZIPPER BAGS, IT CAME WITH MY LOCAL PAPER. WHAT A RIP. HOW DARE YOU SEND A “SAMPLE” THAT CANNOT BE TRIED. HAVE WAY DOWN THE BAG THERE WAS A PERMANENT SEAL. YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS BOUGHT ZIPLOC BAGS BUT BECAUSE OF YOUR CHEAPNESS I AM SWITCHING TO GLAD BAGS. YOUR THE LOSER.
The reply I wanted to send:
Dear Martha,
First off, I would like to recommend that you get your keyboard checked, since it seems that your caps lock key is stuck or maybe a paw from one of the dozens of cats you own is on the shift key.
Thank you for your email. At Ziploc, we take all emails we receive seriously. I’m sorry that the sample you received was, as you said, “A RIP.” Please let us know what local paper you received this sample from and we will purchase that newspaper company, fire all the employees, burn the building down, and then piss on the ashes to make sure that you will never receive another defective sample from that newspaper ever again.
We at Ziploc really hope that you don’t switch over to Glad bags, because those folks over there aren’t really Glad bags, they’re really douche bags.
Thanks again for your email.
Topics: Crazy Visitor Emails |
Related Reviews:
Crazy Visitor Email #4
Crazy Visitor Email #3
Crazy Visitor Email #2
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2006 Holiday Fast Food Prize Drawing!!!
December 8th, 2006 at 10:21 pm
That was hillarious. Imagine the offort she must have put in to send that email!
This will be a great new section. I’ll be back for more!!
December 8th, 2006 at 10:31 pm
This is such a great idea. I’m hoping they are are gems as such.
December 8th, 2006 at 11:26 pm
Let me be the first to say: “Ha.”
December 9th, 2006 at 12:34 am
As one who deals with the shopping pulic every day, I thoroughly enjoyed that. Plus, I am sure it is what the plastic bag people would be thinking anyway.
December 9th, 2006 at 4:00 am
Keep them coming. Without crazy people without a clue life would be so bland. So please share your clueless visitors with us all.
December 9th, 2006 at 4:24 am
Do you ever reply to these emails in the way you imagine, Marvo? I’d be sorely tempted to. Or you could create a generic reply letter: “Dear Stupid Crazy Person, The Impulsive Buy is a product review web site and does not actually manufacture any of the products we review. If we did manufacture our own products, I’d be rich enough to afford to hire people to come to your house and sterilize you to ensure your defective DNA is not passed to future generations of humanity. Sincerely, Marvo.”
December 9th, 2006 at 5:08 am
That was awesome. I’m surprised you didn’t think of this sooner. You should definitely keep it as a recurring TIB feature. Thanks for the laugh
December 9th, 2006 at 5:49 am
Hmph. You should have sent her that reply.
December 9th, 2006 at 6:48 am
you seriously receive emails like that? people are even dumber than I thought! (and trust me, I thought they were pretty dumb to begin with!) i hope you post these often. this had me rolling!!
December 9th, 2006 at 7:00 am
I like it. And, I agree that you should have sent her that reply.
December 9th, 2006 at 7:27 am
One of my favorite segments at The Register is the letters. [ http://www.theregister.co.uk/odds/letters/ ]
December 9th, 2006 at 11:22 am
This should definitely be a regular feature. And if you ever run out of weird emails, I get gobs of them from people complaining (in poor grammar) about various candies.
December 9th, 2006 at 1:55 pm
Really, really fu**ing hysterical. Please add this as a regular feature.
December 9th, 2006 at 2:20 pm
What a great idea!
Not only is she crazy but she can’t spell.
December 9th, 2006 at 2:50 pm
haha
December 9th, 2006 at 6:20 pm
Oh, you have to keep doing these segments. After holding a few retail jobs, there’s nothing I enjoy more than making fun of a complaining idiot. You need to start sending those “desired” responses though - it might actually make the world a better place by putting the slow folks in their place.
December 9th, 2006 at 11:39 pm
Marvo–
I couldn’t stop laughing. *Please* make this a regular feature.
December 10th, 2006 at 2:38 am
It’s hard to stop laughing long enough to craft a comment. Crazy emails are a great idea! She brings new meaning to the term dumbass. But your reply is even better. You really should send it. I think she needs to know how ignorant she sounds. Besides, maybe she’ll send another email in response to your reply.
December 10th, 2006 at 5:13 am
Marvo, I really loved this post! I hope you keep it up. (It being this type of post)
December 10th, 2006 at 6:50 am
hecka funny marvo. hecka funny.
December 10th, 2006 at 9:59 am
Brilliant!
December 10th, 2006 at 12:16 pm
errr, marvo….you might not want to do that. antagonizing crazy people usually ends badly — they have more waaaaay spare time than you do, they love the attention, and well….they’re fucking nuts. bad combination.
December 10th, 2006 at 12:25 pm
Oh, wow. I can’t believe that this brainiac actually thought that you work for Ziploc. Surely someone with the IQ of a goat like this person doesn’t read your blog, so how did she get a hold of your email address? Did she use what was left of her brain cells and Google “ziploc”, and TIB was one of the websites that popped up?
December 10th, 2006 at 2:58 pm
You must send the reply, even at the risk of having them email you again. Their reply will surely give me another laugh.
Keep up the good work
December 10th, 2006 at 6:25 pm
As someone who deals with people like Martha there every day… that was priceless. I hope this is a regular thing now! After all, there’s no end to the crazies and their email access *g*
December 10th, 2006 at 6:43 pm
You know, it bothers me how quickly I’m into putting a vote into publicly humiliating stupid people.
December 10th, 2006 at 6:48 pm
What a queefnard
December 10th, 2006 at 7:41 pm
futilebrands.com - I’m totally glad she put the effort into, because now I have a new segment for TIB.
Tickkid - Oh I’ve got other good ones coming up.
TheLazyCanadian - Ha, right back at you.
Sarcasmom - I’m sure the plastic bag people will be thinking of much worse things…and with more “fucks” and “shits.”
Rick - I totally agree with you. Clueless people are the spice of life…as long as they’re not in my life too much.
Chuck - Sure I could send that email, but sadly there are thousands of people out there that shouldn’t reproduce, but do anyway.
Tony - I wish I did come up with it sooner. Now I have to look back at all the crazy emails I’ve received.
Dove - Nah, it would probably be a drag because she would send her reply all in caps.
Webmiztris - It’s say to say that I do and I do get quite a number of these emails.
Kyle - I don’t know if sending a reply would be good idea. She sounds psycho.
Muneer - Everybody gets weird letters, which means there are many weird people out there.
cybele - Because you said so, it will become a regular feature.
Josie - Hey, were all adults here, you can type “fucking.”
Em - Maybe spell check isn’t working on her computer because it’s tired of correcting all of her mistakes.
December 10th, 2006 at 7:51 pm
DaDead - haha
Rhawb - But if they’re slow, they might not understand it’s some asshole is replying back to them, and then they’ll send another email, and I’ll have to reply to that. It would be a never ending vicious cycle.
Miriam - Because you said “please,” I totally will.
Erika - I don’t know if I want a response, I’m scared of the caps lock!
MAC Dodge - I shall keep it up as long as they keep sending me emails.
jenn - Word!
Emily - Brilliant!
ultradave - It’s a really bad combination if they also have a gun.
Toni - Well if you Google “hermaphrodite porn,” TIB is the seventh item. Go ahead try it.
Chase - I don’t want her to reply, she sounds scary, like she would chop me up and put me in Glad bags.
Diana - Crazy people should not have access to the internet at all.
Tickkid - Well it’s their fault for being stupid.
JJ - Total queefnard!
December 11th, 2006 at 2:33 am
Haha, dumb people.
That is all.
December 11th, 2006 at 4:29 am
I work for a newspaper publisher, and I remember sending out that sample. The correct response is that the Ziploc sample works correctly when taken out of the pouch of bag that the newspaper is delivered in…
December 11th, 2006 at 10:17 am
This should totally become a regular feature. This one had me grinning from ear to ear! You should post your reply before you send it, then we can vote to have you send it or not.
Peace,
DJ
December 11th, 2006 at 3:48 pm
Tsk tsk, Marvo. You’re too humble. TIB isn’t seventh if you google “hermaphrodite porn”. It’s THIRD, baby!!
December 11th, 2006 at 5:15 pm
I CANT BELIVE U R MAKING FUN OF….oh, I just can’t do it. I don’t have the capability of making anything like that up. If I worked for Ziploc, I’d be glad that Glad (ha!) would be taking that crazy off my hands.
December 11th, 2006 at 8:06 pm
Heather Feather - At least they’re not dumber people.
Ken H - A bag in a bag? That’s too hard of a concept for some people.
DJ at Work - I dunno. I don’t think I want to reply to crazy dumb people.
Toni - Holy crap! I wonder what it takes to be number one search query for hermaphrodite porn? I don’t even have pictures and I’m number three.
Clevegal42 - But you know, she’s probably using Glad bags and found something to complain about and emailed another product review blog about it.
December 12th, 2006 at 11:23 am
as i have said before, you are my new hero!
December 12th, 2006 at 5:27 pm
Oh, cool new segment, I love it!!! I can’t wait to see what company you get to work for next.
December 12th, 2006 at 7:19 pm
…yeah, she’s a dumbass.
December 13th, 2006 at 3:14 am
Dear Martha,
Please reconsider your last usage of the word “YOUR” with “you’re”.
—
Great segment, reading what people insane with rage and anger is always th ebest.
December 13th, 2006 at 8:15 pm
luckinflux - but if a supervillian were to cause havoc, I would run away.
Melanie - I really hope for a letter from McDonald’s. I don’t know why, but I want a McDonald’s letter.
Brie - Hopefully natural selection will occur.
Lord Jezo - Rage and anger can be a very entertaining cocktail.
December 16th, 2006 at 5:35 am
I think you should reply to the emails and put yet another disclaimer at the end stating that you are not affiliated with Company X.
December 16th, 2006 at 8:03 pm
Josh - Nah, they’ll probably still not realize I’m not part of any company.
December 22nd, 2006 at 6:49 am
Years ago, Paul Rosa wrote a book called Idiot Letters. He turned the tables slightly, and wrote idiotic letters to companies, then waited for their replies. Here’s the Amazon link if you want to check it out.
Here’s an excerpt which starts with a letter from a Pizza Hut rep responding to one of Rosa’s crazy (idiot) letters. If you are bored, there are more…
http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/038547508X/ref=sib_dp_pt/105-2379441-6312410#reader-link