Crazy Visitor Email #1

Written by | December 8, 2006

Topics: Crazy Visitor Emails

Okay, here’s a new segment I’m going to try out, and it’s called Crazy Visitor Emails. I got the idea from our radioactive friends over at Heat. Eat. Review. Let me know what you think of it in the comments.

I wanted to do this because every so often The Impulsive Buy gets emails from people who are either looking for a particular product, wondering if a particular product was discontinued, or want complain about a product. It sounds normal, but these people think The Impulsive Buy is either the actual company they’re trying to contact or affiliated with the company. We at The Impulsive Buy like to call these people, “Those Who Shouldn’t Have Access To The Internet Because They Don’t Know How to Use It.”

Below is an actual email from a visitor who thought The Impulsive Buy is part of the company they are trying to contact. Along with the email is the reply I have thought about sending, but decided against doing so because I’m afraid that they’ll think the company is actually sending them an email back, which will probably lead to another email.

The name has been changed to protect the ignorant.

From: Martha
Date: October 25, 2006
Subject: ZIPLOC DOUBLE ZIPPER BAGS

I JUST RECEIVED A FREE SAMPLE OF THE ZIPLOC DOUBLE ZIPPER BAGS, IT CAME WITH MY LOCAL PAPER. WHAT A RIP. HOW DARE YOU SEND A “SAMPLE” THAT CANNOT BE TRIED. HAVE WAY DOWN THE BAG THERE WAS A PERMANENT SEAL. YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS BOUGHT ZIPLOC BAGS BUT BECAUSE OF YOUR CHEAPNESS I AM SWITCHING TO GLAD BAGS. YOUR THE LOSER.

The reply I wanted to send:

Dear Martha,

First off, I would like to recommend that you get your keyboard checked, since it seems that your caps lock key is stuck or maybe a paw from one of the dozens of cats you own is on the shift key.

Thank you for your email. At Ziploc, we take all emails we receive seriously. I’m sorry that the sample you received was, as you said, “A RIP.” Please let us know what local paper you received this sample from and we will purchase that newspaper company, fire all the employees, burn the building down, and then piss on the ashes to make sure that you will never receive another defective sample from that newspaper ever again.

We at Ziploc really hope that you don’t switch over to Glad bags, because those folks over there aren’t really Glad bags, they’re really douche bags.

Thanks again for your email.






43 Comments For This Post I'd Love to Hear Yours!

  1. Josh says:

    I think you should reply to the emails and put yet another disclaimer at the end stating that you are not affiliated with Company X.

  2. marvo says:

    Josh – Nah, they’ll probably still not realize I’m not part of any company.

  3. Anna says:

    Years ago, Paul Rosa wrote a book called Idiot Letters. He turned the tables slightly, and wrote idiotic letters to companies, then waited for their replies. Here’s the Amazon link if you want to check it out.

    Here’s an excerpt which starts with a letter from a Pizza Hut rep responding to one of Rosa’s crazy (idiot) letters. If you are bored, there are more…

    http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/038547508X/ref=sib_dp_pt/105-2379441-6312410#reader-link