Crazy Visitor Email #2

Written by | December 16, 2006

Topics: Crazy Visitor Emails

Below is another actual email from a visitor who thought The Impulsive Buy was part of the company they were trying to contact. Below the email is my reply, if I were to send one.

What’s truly crazy about these emails is the fact that on my contact page I have a line which says, “The Impulsive Buy does not have any affiliation with any company.” I could assume that the people sending these letters are illiterate, but they took the time to write a letter, although poorly, so they must have some level of literacy. Well, as long as they keep sending these letters, I’ll keep making fun of them.

The name in the letter below HASN’T been changed to protect the ignorant, so that I can add a sexual position reference to my reply.

From: Carl
Date: November 25, 2006
Subject: (none)

is that it? this tiny thing? oh and wow what a big box! you must be so proud to shove it up the consumers ass!!!!! i threw it in the garbage,,not worth the time to cook that crap. and believe me,,im telling all i know that you morons and new ivy school execs that you have no idea how to make a product,,,get rid of the new kids,,,and go with quality and quantity! dont skimp on anything butt brains,,,,,signed, a former customer

My reply, if I were to send one:

Dear Carl,

Just curious. Have you ever had a “Hot Carl” before? If you haven’t, go to your nearest hooker-infested street and ask one of the ladies of the night how much a Hot Carl is? If they ask “giving” or “receiving,” tell them receiving because it’s a little cheaper.

Anyway, thanks for your email and excessive use of commas. We’re not too sure which one of our products you’re talking about since all of our products come in boxes that are significantly bigger than the product itself. Please email us back to clarify. We like to use big boxes because we got this GREAT deal on cardboard and now we’re set for several lifetimes, but because we had to move into a smaller warehouse recently we have to get rid of the cardboard faster, hence the bigger boxes.

As for shoving things up our consumers’ asses, we don’t practice that at our company, unless one of our focus groups lets us know that there is a demand for it. When that happens, we will do it and do it with huge boxes.

Our company is an equal opportunity employer. It is the policy of our company not to discriminate against any individual on the basis of race, color, religion, national origin, sex, sexual orientation, marital status, age, disability, veteran status, stupidity, alma mater, number of body piercing, hair color, or lack of U.S. citizenship.

Actually, we don’t have any Ivy League-educated executives employed at our company. Most of our executives are illegal immigrants from Mexico, hence our bilingual executive meetings. Illegal immigrants not only make great cheap labor, they also make great cheap executives. Jose, our Vice President of International Sales and Marketing, makes only ten dollars a day, but don’t let the government know. Shhhh!

We’re sorry to see you leave as a customer, but if you ever need cardboard, please let us know.


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25 Comments For This Post I'd Love to Hear Yours!

  1. Melanie says:

    That was awesome. Except for the Hot Carl part, which I didn’t need to know about. Whichever definition is correct, it’s still too gross for me. Like when I learned about the Dirty Sanchez when that Saved By the Bell porno came out a while ago. Another poop sex thing I didn’t need to know.

  2. Rhawb says:

    Just saw this.

    …What the hell? I really have no idea what to make of this. I even tried to put myself in Carl’s shoes and I still can’t wrap my brain around what he thinks he’s accomplishing.

    Also did he call whoever he was writing to a butt brain, or is he asking them to not skimp on brains?

    Gah, my head hurts. Were I a corporate bigwig, I think I’d actually be quite excited to be rid of such a moronic customer.

  3. marvo says:

    Toni – I love commas too, but not as much as he does.

    Melanie – Yeah, I don’t like that pooping stuff either. It costs too much. ;-)

    Rhawb – If I were an outsourced customer service representative, I would hate to deal with someone like this. I think customer service people should have an occasional free pass to tell someone to fuck off.

  4. Suzanne says:

    at least he didn’t call you a poopoo head?

  5. marvo says:

    Suzanne – If he did, I would’ve called him Booger brain.