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Crazy Visitor Email #2
By Marvo | December 16, 2006
Below is another actual email from a visitor who thought The Impulsive Buy was part of the company they were trying to contact. Below the email is my reply, if I were to send one.
What’s truly crazy about these emails is the fact that on my contact page I have a line which says, “The Impulsive Buy does not have any affiliation with any company.” I could assume that the people sending these letters are illiterate, but they took the time to write a letter, although poorly, so they must have some level of literacy. Well, as long as they keep sending these letters, I’ll keep making fun of them.
The name in the letter below HASN’T been changed to protect the ignorant, so that I can add a sexual position reference to my reply.
From: Carl
Date: November 25, 2006
Subject: (none)is that it? this tiny thing? oh and wow what a big box! you must be so proud to shove it up the consumers ass!!!!! i threw it in the garbage,,not worth the time to cook that crap. and believe me,,im telling all i know that you morons and new ivy school execs that you have no idea how to make a product,,,get rid of the new kids,,,and go with quality and quantity! dont skimp on anything butt brains,,,,,signed, a former customer
My reply, if I were to send one:
Dear Carl,
Just curious. Have you ever had a “Hot Carl” before? If you haven’t, go to your nearest hooker-infested street and ask one of the ladies of the night how much a Hot Carl is? If they ask “giving” or “receiving,” tell them receiving because it’s a little cheaper.
Anyway, thanks for your email and excessive use of commas. We’re not too sure which one of our products you’re talking about since all of our products come in boxes that are significantly bigger than the product itself. Please email us back to clarify. We like to use big boxes because we got this GREAT deal on cardboard and now we’re set for several lifetimes, but because we had to move into a smaller warehouse recently we have to get rid of the cardboard faster, hence the bigger boxes.
As for shoving things up our consumers’ asses, we don’t practice that at our company, unless one of our focus groups lets us know that there is a demand for it. When that happens, we will do it and do it with huge boxes.
Our company is an equal opportunity employer. It is the policy of our company not to discriminate against any individual on the basis of race, color, religion, national origin, sex, sexual orientation, marital status, age, disability, veteran status, stupidity, alma mater, number of body piercing, hair color, or lack of U.S. citizenship.
Actually, we don’t have any Ivy League-educated executives employed at our company. Most of our executives are illegal immigrants from Mexico, hence our bilingual executive meetings. Illegal immigrants not only make great cheap labor, they also make great cheap executives. Jose, our Vice President of International Sales and Marketing, makes only ten dollars a day, but don’t let the government know. Shhhh!
We’re sorry to see you leave as a customer, but if you ever need cardboard, please let us know.
Sincerely,
Your Favorite Company
Topics: Crazy Visitor Emails |
Related Reviews:
Crazy Visitor Email #1
Crazy Visitor Email #4
Crazy Visitor Email #3
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December 16th, 2006 at 5:13 am
You know, I learn more weird sexual terms from The Impulsive Buy than anyplace else I surf. Thanks for educating, Marvo!
December 16th, 2006 at 9:23 am
Carl, your bad grammar makes me sad.
December 16th, 2006 at 10:51 am
At least his last name wasn’t Sanchez (or was that Jose’s last name?) and he didn’t play the trombone, that we know of.
December 16th, 2006 at 12:11 pm
I’d say you should get your research department to work on developing boxes smaller than what they hold … you know, like those police boxes that Time Lords use.
December 16th, 2006 at 5:04 pm
There was just no winning Carl’s love. He would have bitched if it wasn’t in a box.
December 16th, 2006 at 5:32 pm
haha chuck i was thinking the same thing…marvo is well versed in the sexual positions…must be fun to play twister at your house, marvo.
December 16th, 2006 at 9:19 pm
Chuck - I’m glad I’m able to educate the public.
GTO - Also, “butt brains?” What? Is he a five-year-old? Couldn’t he have come up with something better than that?
L’il E - Or he didn’t like lobsters or pretzels.
cybele - I don’t know, I think that’s been done, since I live in an apartment that smaller than everything I own.
Clevegal42 - I don’t want his love. I just want his money.
jenn - I don’t know if it’s fun. I do play it on a bed, but I also play it alone.
December 17th, 2006 at 4:40 am
Thank you for continuing the crazy visitor email posts! They make my day!
December 17th, 2006 at 12:40 pm
When I read that clown’s letter, I swear I could hear the voice of Carl from ATHF.
December 17th, 2006 at 2:07 pm
I’ve been reading this blog for a while and lemme tell ya,
it makes me ten kinds of happy. (MOST of those are legal =o)
So what would you say you get more of in your inbox: product-related emails from idiots thinking you’re a company, or marriage proposals? ;o
December 17th, 2006 at 3:24 pm
Who knew that a product review blog would bring so much frivolity, and marriage proposals. What? Marriage proposals? The ladies love a guy who knows his products - and odd sexual terms.
December 17th, 2006 at 5:21 pm
sounds like Carl is a “butt brains”.
December 17th, 2006 at 6:36 pm
MAC Dodge - Well, they make your day only one day out of the week.
ultradave - I don’t know, because “friggin’” wasn’t used at all in the email.
That Spooky Tall Chick - I have yet to get one marriage proposal in my inbox, but I’ve had a couple in the comment, I believe. In those two cases I couldn’t accept them because I’m not into long distance relationships. I’ve tried it once and it didn’t work out, mostly because I was tired of paying the $4.99 for the first two minutes and then $1.99 for each additional minute.
Tickkid - Ladies love knowledge.
Webmiztris - Hmm…I wonder what’s worse? A butt brain? Or a dick head?
December 17th, 2006 at 9:13 pm
Hot Carl? Good Lord, that’s real?
Marvo, after the “butt-brains” remark, I stopped taking this moron’s email seriously. Some people are just dumb.
December 17th, 2006 at 10:31 pm
Brie - He’s either dumb or can’t come up with a better insult than “butt brains.” I think he needs to take a class in profanity.
December 18th, 2006 at 3:58 am
I like the Hot-Carl reference.
Once I again, I had to click the link to know what it meant.
I’m such a sheltered child.
December 18th, 2006 at 6:49 am
Did they guy even say what product he was complaining about?
I hope you keep this feature, Marvo. This is hilarious.
December 18th, 2006 at 8:39 am
Thanks for the laugh Marvo. What product was he bitching about?
December 18th, 2006 at 11:09 pm
Heather Feather - That’s okay. As you get older, you’ll learn more about the wonderful world around you. Geez, I sound like an afterschool special.
Kyle - I have no idea what product he was complaining about, but I hope he buys more of it and complains more.
DJ At Work - I don’t know what product it was. I went through my archives but didn’t figure out with product it could be.
December 19th, 2006 at 11:05 am
Looks like someone needs a copy of Eats, Shoots, and Leaves for Christmas. What’s up with the commas?
December 19th, 2006 at 4:38 pm
That was awesome. Except for the Hot Carl part, which I didn’t need to know about. Whichever definition is correct, it’s still too gross for me. Like when I learned about the Dirty Sanchez when that Saved By the Bell porno came out a while ago. Another poop sex thing I didn’t need to know.
December 19th, 2006 at 10:01 pm
Just saw this.
…What the hell? I really have no idea what to make of this. I even tried to put myself in Carl’s shoes and I still can’t wrap my brain around what he thinks he’s accomplishing.
Also did he call whoever he was writing to a butt brain, or is he asking them to not skimp on brains?
Gah, my head hurts. Were I a corporate bigwig, I think I’d actually be quite excited to be rid of such a moronic customer.
December 19th, 2006 at 10:06 pm
Toni - I love commas too, but not as much as he does.
Melanie - Yeah, I don’t like that pooping stuff either. It costs too much.
Rhawb - If I were an outsourced customer service representative, I would hate to deal with someone like this. I think customer service people should have an occasional free pass to tell someone to fuck off.
December 21st, 2006 at 8:50 am
at least he didn’t call you a poopoo head?
December 23rd, 2006 at 10:42 am
Suzanne - If he did, I would’ve called him Booger brain.