Crazy Visitor Email #3

Written by | December 26, 2006

Topics: Crazy Visitor Emails

TIB recently received an actual email from a visitor that is truly crazy. The email below refers to TIB’s review of Apple’s colorful and pricey iPod Socks, which was posted in 2004. Below this email is my reply.

The name in the email below HASN’T been changed, because I was too lazy to come up with another name.

From: Shirley
Date: December 26, 2006
Subject: Black Market

Let me tell you, it’s hard to find at the last minute a baby to use as a test subject. Even with $50,000 through the Black Market, our sources said it would’ve taken at least a couple of days.

Was this suppose to be a fucking joke or something? Your reference to the Black Market. What are you actually trying to say? Racist maybe WTF!!!!!

My reply, if I were to send one:

Dear Shirley,

First off, if you’re going to use the word “fucking,” use it with authority. Using it only once will not fully convey your anger. If you’re going to use the word “fucking,” it should be used to enhance most nouns and verbs. So your last paragraph should’ve been written like this: “Was this suppose to be a fucking joke or something? Your reference to the fucking Black Market. What are you actually trying to fucking say? Fucking racist maybe WTF!!!!!”

See, it’s much better now. It relays your anger in a much more harsh tone.

Now that I think about it, you know what else would’ve helped to make the email even more angrier — profanity pronouns. What are profanity pronouns? Here are a few examples: Bitch, asshole, shit face, cocksucker, and motherfucker.

So let’s take the paragraph we just revised and add some profanity pronouns. “Hey asshole. Was this suppose to be a fucking joke or something? Your reference to the fucking Black Market. What are you actually trying to fucking say, cocksucker? Fucking racist maybe you motherfucker WTF!!!!!”

Ohhh! Much better! If that doesn’t get your mouth washed out with soap, I don’t know what will.

Anyway, thank you for your email. We would like to say that using the Black Market doesn’t mean we’re racist. We’ve used both the Gray Market and White Market and found them to be not ideal for our company. While items on the Black Market are slightly more expensive than the same products found in the Gray and White Markets, the privacy and anonymity of the Black Market is worth the premium. Also, the selection of goods on the Black Market cannot be beat. Human organs, automatic weapons, fine pieces of art thought to be missing, and even babies are easily found on the Black Market, but don’t exist in the White or Gray Markets.

Thanks again for your email.

Sincerely,

A company






28 Comments For This Post I'd Love to Hear Yours!

  1. Dove says:

    For the sake of humanity, I hope that was sent in by someone as a joke, rather than a serious email.

  2. Sara says:

    Dearest Marvo,

    I miss the old ‘impulsive buy’ before the crazy visitor e-mails :(

    -Sara

  3. DaDead says:

    makes me wanna slap her

    marvo, is there cream of baby soup on the black market?

  4. Chuck says:

    I like the Crazy Visitor emails…they add a nice touch of insanity along with stupidly righteous indignation that I think is quite amusing.

  5. Suzanne says:

    Just think what you could find at the rainbow market!
    And I thought my crazy harasser was a kookoo!

    happy New Years Marvo

  6. kia. says:

    happy new year!
    can you please review something that i can find here in italy? you can choose whatever you want… pleeeeease!

    kiss.

    kia.

  7. Mia says:

    I have to believe that this moron was either:

    A: Unfamiliar with the english language and didn’t understand the phrase Black Market.

    B: On Technicolor Crack.

    C: Forgot to pay their brain bill for the month.

    You pick.

  8. marvo says:

    Muneer – Yes, my English degree…I could’ve gone into law or teaching with it. Oh well. I’m happy.

    fruityoaty – Hmm, I wonder what her definition of a Super Market is.

    Webmiztris – I just hope she doesn’t read this post and get a Black Market gun.

    Cpt Morgan – That would also make a messy Christmas gift.

    Dove – Part of me thinks that it was sent as a joke, but I’ve gotten some weird emails over the years that makes the rest of me think that it wasn’t.

    Sara – I like the Crazy Visitor Emails because they’re just as fun as writing regular reviews, but I also want to share some of the crazy things people email to TIB. The reviews will always be around.

    DaDead – I think you can actually make that on your own with some lotion and use of some body parts.

    Chuck – Plus, it’s something different.

    Suzanne – Happy New Year!!!

    kia. – Hmm, I don’t know what kind of products there are in Italy, but I’ll try to find something. Happy New Year!

    Mia – I pick B.