REVIEW: Shirakiku Microwavable Rice

Today’s review is all about helping my fellow rice-eating Asian brothers and sisters with keepin’ it real.

Are you the only Asian in your town and every time you’re at a party the only starch available is either potatoes, pasta, or bread?

Sure, you’ll scoop some mashed potatoes on your plate, but deep down, you really wish those potatoes were the OTHER white starch. You also don’t want to shovel those potatoes in your mouth, because your rice farming ancestors are probably watching you and waiting to see if you keep it real.

Sometimes your non-Asian friends will make Uncle Ben’s rice to accommodate you, thinking rice is rice, and on the outside you’re appreciative, but in the inside, you know that Uncle Ben’s rice will not suffice. It’s just not the same.

Then sometimes some drunk dude at the party will ask you if you can introduce him to some Asian chicks because he heard they were “tight” and will “love me long time.” Then another person will ask if you know karate, judo, kung fu, or any other of the Asian martial arts. Someone will ask you if you’re related to Jackie Chan and you’ll say you’re not, then correct them by saying your last name is Chen, not Chan.

Then some random woman will come up to you and say that she really enjoyed reading The Joy Luck Club and the movie version made her cry. Then some REALLY drunk dude will want you to apologize for Pearl Harbor. Someone else will ask you if you can solve a math problem for them.

Then an older woman will want to know if Calgon detergent really is an “ancient Chinese secret.” Some creepy guy will quietly ask you where he could get his hands on some “Japanese monster tentacle sex cartoons.” Another person will talk with you about how much they love their Toyota Camry. Then another drunk person will wonder how comfortable those “thongs” are that sumo wrestlers wear.

I can’t help my fellow Asians with any of the situations described in the last three paragraphs, but I can assist them with making their rice farming ancestors proud of them for keepin’ it real with the Shirakiku Microwavable Rice.

Each container contains 7.05 ounces of rice, which is enough for two meals, unless you’re a sumo wrestler, then it’s an appetizer. It also contains 318 calories, 71 grams of carbs, 0.4 grams of fiber, and 5.6 grams of protein. The rice itself was very good, it was fluffy and sticky, just like the way I prefer my cotton candy, but not too fluffy and sticky, just like the way I prefer my strippers.

It was also surprisingly better tasting than anything I’ve ever made in a normal rice cooker, which either says a lot about this product’s quality or says a lot about how much my rice cooking abilities suck.

The best part of the Shirakiku Microwavable Rice is the fact that it’s really quick and easy to prepare. Just pull back the lid a little and then heat it in the microwave for about one minute. If you’re old school or afraid the microwave’s radiation will mess with your DNA, you can also prepare it on a stove top by heating the container in boiling water for about 14 minutes.

Well I hope today’s review will help my fellow Asians get out of a rice-less situation with ease. Sure, carrying a container of Shirakiku Microwavable Rice in your purse or jacket pocket is a pain the ass since the container is about an inch thick, four inches wide, and eight inches long, but just think of the smiles you’ll receive from your rice picking ancestors when you meet them after you die.

Item: Shirakiku Microwavable Rice
Price: $1.39
Purchased at: Uwajimaya – Seattle
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: Quick and easy to prepare. Better than the rice I cook. Fluffy and sticky. No need to add water. 5.6 grams of protein. Enough rice for two meals, unless you’re a sumo wrestler. Keepin’ it real.
Cons: Pricey if you compare it to a 20-pound bag of rice, which goes on sale for $5-$6. Not for people on the Atkins Diet. Packaging isn’t very compact.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Special K20 Strawberry Kiwi Protein Water

(Editor’s Note: When reading this review, please turn your internal reading voice into the voice of a crazy elderly person.)

Oh, I remember a time when water was just water. Oh my, how it has grown over the years. I remember a time when we didn’t get water out of a faucet or a bottle. Instead we would lower a bucket into a well and drink our fill using our cupped hands. That water was so refreshing, except whenever the town drunk would urinate into the well after a long night at the local tavern.

Oh, those were such different times back then. Simpler, if you will.

Oh, I remember those days when humans and forest animals would get along and come together every night to sing jolly melodies and tell adventurous tales of Lewis & Clark’s expedition across America with their grizzly bear companions, the Berenstain Bears and Fozzie Bear.

Oh, those were such wonderful times back then. Peaceful, if you will.

Oh, I remember when we would have competitions with each other to see who could climb to the top of the tallest redwood trees in the forest. Little blue men that called themselves Smurfs would cheer us on with the chant that went like this, “Smurf. Smurf. Smurf.” Then whenever we reached the top, we would say hello to the horned winged horses that circled around the treetops waiting for a rider. From the top of the trees we would leap onto the backs of one of the horned winged horses and whisper the magical words “giddy up” in its ear and it would take us to a magical land filled with edible gingerbread houses, roads paved with chocolate, and rivers flowing with apple juice.

Oh, those were such entertaining times back then. Merry, if you will.

Oh, I also have memories of wooing fair maidens at the local tavern. I would put on my finest Mongolian silk suit, which I purchased for ten dollars from a man of Oriental persuasion. I would drink a few ales to raise my courage so that I may bring myself to converse with the fair maiden with the most amount of teeth using words of poetry equal to a Shakespearian sonnet, like “Your ample busom widens my eyes, reddens my cheeks, and raises my groin.”

Oh, those were such lovely times back then. Charming, if you will.

Oh, what magical well does this Kellogg’s Special K20 Strawberry Kiwi Protein Water come from? Is it the same place where those horned winged horses come from? It’s much more refreshing than the urine-tainted water from a well, because it has a decent light strawberry kiwi taste, but the texture of it was oddly kind of gritty, like licking a dirty Smurf for psychedelic purposes.

Oh, just like fair maidens at a local tavern, it isn’t sweet, and it shouldn’t since it only has eight grams of sugar. If you’re drinking the Kellogg’s Special K20 Strawberry Kiwi Protein Water, you’re probably not drinking it for the sugar anyway, you’re drinking it for the five grams of protein it has, which is more than half the amount of protein in a cup of milk,

Oh, milk. That brings back a memory when we used to suck on a cow’s udder for nourishment and to quench our thirst when the local drunk would urinate into the well. We would lie under Bessy the Cow and suck on one of her teats for hours, while watching the clouds and horned winged horses go by.

Oh, those were the days.

Item: Kellogg’s Special K20 Strawberry Kiwi Protein Water
Price: $1.39 (16-ounces)
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Decent light strawberry kiwi taste. Not too sweet. Only 50 calories per bottle. 5 grams of protein = 10% of daily allowance. 8 grams of sugar per bottle. Licking a dirty Smurf for psychedelic purposes. Sucking on Bessy the Cow’s teat. The magical land filled with gingerbread houses, roads of chocolate, and rivers of apple juice.
Cons: Gritty texture. Not a good source of other vitamins and minerals. A cup of milk has more protein. Excessive use of “oh.” When the town drunk would urinate into the well.

Quick Survey

I’ve been thinking about changing the Impulsive Buy a little bit.

For years, I’ve been doing a long format review, which was great when I was unemployed, had no girlfriend, and had no life, because I could post three or four reviews a week. But now that I’m employed, still have no girlfriend, and still have no life, it’s been hard to post more than two reviews a week.

I try so many products every month and get many requests to review a number of products, but at a rate of two reviews per week, it’s impossible to review everything I buy. In order to change this, I’ve been thinking about doing much shorter reviews, perhaps less than half as long as they are now.

But I’d like to know what you folks think. Should I stick to the long format and continue to have two reviews a week or should I try doing significantly shorter reviews and possibly have 3-5 reviews per week.

Please let me know in the comments.

Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto!

REVIEW: High Intensity Monster Mints

On behalf of all the monsters out there, I just want to thank Monster for finally making a mint specifically made for monsters. I’m sure all monsters, whether they be zombies, gargoyles, werewolves, vampires, Frankenstein, Cookie Monster, or supermodel Naomi Campbell, are finally happy to have a mint that we can call our own.

Oh, you didn’t know I was a monster?

I thought the hairy arms, hairy legs, and fangs gave me away, but I guess you thought I’m just a really hairy Asian guy.

In reality, I’m a werewolf. Don’t worry, I don’t go around mauling people…just homeless ones and those who come to my door to sell me something. I’d show you a video I have of me walking around topless, but you would probably think that you’re either watching a National Geographic special or the Kitty Scratching Post Channel.

Also, the movie Teen Wolf starring Michael J. Fox, is loosely based about my life in high school, and no, I did not receive any royalties.

Each of the roughly dime-sized minty High Intensity Monster Mints are just as curiously strong as any of the Altoids mints I’ve had and their texture is smooth, unlike the chalky Altoids. That minty breath freshening goodness is perfect to help cover up bad breath after we monsters eat things like onions, human flesh, peanut butter, human blood, and garlic…oh wait, in the vampires case, definitely not garlic.

The sugar-free Monster Mints come in two flavors, the cinnamon-flavored Intensely Spicy and minty High Intensity, which don’t really sound like flavors at all, more like settings for a 25 cent vibrating bed in a sleazy motel room you can rent by the hour.

Despite its ability to help mask the dreaded blood breath, there’s a major problem with the High Intensity Monster Mints…its price.

At the Neiman-Marcus-like price of $5.99 per can for about fifty mints, I thought they would do something more than freshen my breath, like turn me into a normal human being or bring peace among monsters and human so that we may no longer need to fear torch-wielding mobs or silver bullets, both of which are truly the dreams of all monsters.

We monsters don’t want to hurt. We just want to be loved.

The High Intensity Monster Mints are about twice the price as other comparable mints and definitely out of the price range for those monsters whose jobs are to either terrorize villagers, eat the brains of living humans, suck the blood out of unsuspecting victims, or abuse assistants, because those don’t pay very well.

Cookie Monster is probably the only monster who can afford it, but as all monsters know, he’s a fuckin’ sellout. He wouldn’t be making the bank he’s making now if he continued to be what he originally was, the Cooking Monster, a master human flesh chef who was train in the culinary arts at the finest schools and was known for killing his own fresh ingredients.

Cookie Monster is like Larry the Cable Guy, they’re both fake. Cookie Monster may seem to have a limited vocabulary that consists of just “Me want cookie,” but he actually can speak FIVE languages, including Latin.

Who the fuck speaks Latin anymore?

Anyway, the High Intensity Monster Mints maybe strong enough for a monster, but made for those monsters with monster wallets.

I’m talking about you, Cookie Bitch!

Item: High Intensity Monster Mints
Price: $5.99
Purchased at: CompUSA
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Sugar free. Strong mint. Good at masking blood and human flesh breath. Peace between humans and monsters. Being human.
Cons: Super damn expensive for mints. Flavor name sounds like a setting for a vibrating bed. That fuckin’ sellout Cookie Monster. Vampires and garlic. Being Naomi Campbell’s assistant.