The Shopping Cart takes a look at things that I’ve bought, but am too lazy to write a full review for.

What I’m Wearing That Shows My Inability To Properly Use Long Hard Things

Yes, I don’t know how to use chopsticks, especially those damn long plastic Chinese chopsticks.

My Japanese ancestors are probably rolling in their graves…Oh wait, they were cremated. Let me rephrase the previous sentence. My Japanese ancestors are probably kicking up ashes in their urns, because I have the chopstick proficiency of a one-year-old in Japan or a nervous, old horny man experiencing nyotaimori (Possible NSFW) for the very first time.

Over the years, I’ve gotten better at eating with chopsticks. As long as I can stab what I’m eating, I won’t starve. But when it comes to eating noodles or rice with chopsticks, I instantly jump on the Atkins low-carb diet.

I’m ashamed of my chopstick ineptness and have been wearing this recently purchased Threadless t-shirt called “Sticks of Shame” like a scarlet letter. The design says something in Japanese, but I can’t read it at all, which in turn is making my Japanese ancestors kick up ashes in their urns again.

Fortunately, the English translation is printed in small type on the right side. It says, “I can’t use chopsticks. Because of this, MY FACE BURNS WITH SHAME!!!…can I please have fork.”

I would also settle for a spork.

Whut’s Bumpin’ In My Totally Un-Pimped Out Japanese Compact Car

Aw yeah! Now dats whut I’m talkin’ ’bout, y’all!

My man, Weird Al is dropping some crazy shit on y’all wit his new joint, “White & Nerdy” from his brand new album, “Straight Outta Lynwood.” Lynwood! Represent!

It’s a parody of smooth southern rapper Chamillionaire’s joint “Ridin’.” Yo, I gots to say dat dis gots to be one of da illest parodies dat, my boy, Weird Al has done. Ya heard!

Yo, some of y’all might not think dis polka boy gots da skillz to be droppin’ mad rhymes, but yo, check da lyrics, y’all. Check da lyrics.

I’ve been browsin’, inspectin’
X-Men comics, you know I collect ‘em
The pens in my pocket, I must protect ‘em
My ergonomic keyboard never leaves me bored
Shopping online for deals on some writable media
I edit Wikipedia
I memorized Holy Grail really well
I can recite it right now and have you ROTFLOL

Dang! Dat white boy can drop rhymes, y’all. So if y’all wants to be shakin’ your asses at your next LAN party, Dungeons & Dragons gathering, or at da comic book store, go buy dis phat track.

Da video fo’ “White & Nerdy,” is on YouTube, so go check it out.

I think The Impulsive Buy’s number one hater is right, I need to jazz up my life. Here’s what he/she/it wrote to me:

(Editor’s Note: Yes, the hater is real and so is the letter.)

Dearest Marvo,

I just wanted to tell how much I hate you you 30 year old sits in your pajamas all day fat crusty does nothing but jackoff and eat loser please be so kind and spare the plant another shitty review and go kill yourself now before we do it for you respond to this if you have the balls

I know. I know. It’s hard to read the email he/she/it sent to me, so for those of you who don’t understand the language of retarded, let me translate it.

Dearest Marvo,

I just wanted to tell you how much I hate you. You’re a 30-year-old who sits in your pajamas all day. You’re fat, crusty, and do nothing but jackoff and eat. Loser, please be so kind and spare the planet another shitty review and go kill yourself now before we do it for you. Respond to this if you have the balls.

Despite how harsh this douche bag’s letter is, I think he/she/it makes a couple things very clear. (1) Inbreeding is bad. (2) My life is very boring and mundane and I need to “jazz” it up.

So I’ve been thinking about ways to improve my life by doing things beyond the masturbation and eating, which according to he/she/it is all I do. Actually, if I got paid to masturbate and eat all day, I would totally do it, as long as I got free Kleenex.

Anyway, the first thing I would do to possibly jazz up my life is take salsa dancing lessons, because I enjoy shaking my ass…in the mirror…by myself…to Kylie Minogue’s “Locomotion.” I would also like to take salsa dancing lessons because the instructor would have to partner me up with a woman and when the instructor does, it will be the closest I’ve been with a woman in several years.

The next thing I would do to try and jazz up my boring life is to attempt to get my name into the Guinness Book of World Records. According to my number one hater, I may already have the world record for sitting in my pajamas all day, but unfortunately there was no one here to validate that.

Instead, I think I may try to break the Guinness World Records for the number of pints of Guinness stout consumed within 10 minutes. Wouldn’t it be cool to have the Guinness World Record for Guinness consumption and then gain about 20 pounds?

If I’m feeling really lazy, fat, and crusty, I could always just drink some Jazz Diet Pepsi Black Cherry French Vanilla to jazz up my life. After all, it’s got the word “jazz” in its name. Much like alcohol provides me with “liquid courage,” Red Bull gives me “liquid energy,” and Astroglide allows me to have “liquid love,” I thought Jazz Diet Pepsi Black Cherry French Vanilla would provide me with “liquid jazz,” but instead all I got was a good tasting diet soda and lots of gas, since I drank about a liter of it pretty quickly.

It maybe good, but it’s not as good as the Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper. The cherry and vanilla flavors in the Jazz Diet Pepsi were kind of syrupy, making it a little too sweet, but they definitely covered up the usual artificial sweetener taste in most diet sodas.

Well I guess to jazz up my life all I need to do is get out more, but so does some jerkoff who takes the time to write hate emails in a retarded language to some quasi-product review blog editor.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Brie for suggesting Jazz Diet Pepsi. I’m pretty sure her life is jazzier than mine. Tanya at iateapie.net and Slashfood reviewed the other Jazz Diet Pepsi flavor, Strawberries & Crème. Their lives are much jazzier than mine. Also, Lord Jezo reviewed Pepsi Jazz awhile back. His life is also definitely jazzier than mine.)

Item: Jazz Diet Pepsi Black Cherry French Vanilla
Price: $1.59 (2-liters)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good for a diet soda. Zero calories, fat, carbs, and sugar. Getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. Free Kleenex. Getting out of the apartment. Astroglide.
Cons: A little too sweet and syrupy. TIB’s number one hater. My boring, mundane life. Writing hate mails in a retarded language. Drinking the Guinness World Record for Guinness consumption. Inbreeding.

Sometimes I like to be an old-fashioned kind of guy.

Not in the sense of opening doors for women, saying please or thank you, or offering my seat to an elderly person on the bus. In all those instances, I’m an asshole.

The old-fashioned I’m talking about is occasionally putting on my acid-washed jean shorts, Hypercolor t-shirt, a pair of British Knights shoes, and listening to C+C Music Factory on my Sony Walkman cassette player with auto-reverse, while playing Sonic the Hedgehog on a Sega Genesis.

(Editor’s Note: For the convenience of TIB’s younger readers, who weren’t born when many of these things came out, I have added Wikipedia links to explain them, except acid-washed jean shorts because there’s no Wikipedia entry for them and I’m ashamed that I actually wear acid-washed jean shorts.)

When I’m bored and lonely in my apartment, I like to get really old-fashioned and put on a pair of polyester bell bottoms, a tie-dye t-shirt, a pair of platform shoes, and an afro wig, while listening to disco music on an 8-track player.

(Editor’s Note: To TIB’s middle-aged readers: I’m not saying you’re really old in any way, shape, or form, even though I did say “really old-fashioned.” When I said “really” I really meant it in terms of prestige and not in terms of time.)

I’m just as old-fashioned as this 32-ounce bottle of IBC Root Beer in its amber-colored glass bottle, but not as dark, curvy, or satisfying. It’s old-fashioned because it’s been around since 1919 and was introduced during Prohibition.

(Editor’s Note: To TIB’s younger readers: If you’re too lazy to click the Wikipedia link above, Prohibition was a time from 1920 to 1933 when it was illegal to produce, sell, or transport alcohol in the United States, but drinking it wasn’t illegal. If any of your great, great, great grandparents are still alive, you should ask them about it.)

Anyway, I’ve been drinking so many of these 32-ounce bottles of IBC Root Beer recently that if they were actually bottles of alcoholic beer I would probably be doing some crazy, possibly illegal stuff like tipping cows, sucking on a cow’s udder, sticking my arm into a cow to help it give birth to a calf, or paying $150 for small slab of Kobe beef.

Personally, IBC Root Beer is better tasting than the highly-distributed Barq’s and A&W root beer, but I’ve also tasted better root beers than the IBC one. It’s got a nice spiciness to it, it made a great root beer float, and it comes in a big 32-ounce bottle. Of course, the big bottle means I can pour one for myself and then pour some out for my dead homies, because I’m old-fashioned like that.

Item: IBC Root Beer
Price: $1.49 (32-ounces)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Tastes great. Big 32-ounce glass bottle. Cheap. Great for root beer floats. Darker, more curvy, and more satisfying than I am. Being an old-fashioned guy.
Cons: Not less filling. No caffeine. Drinking the entire bottle in one sitting is bad due to high sugar content. I’m as asshole. Prohibition.

(Editor’s Note: Before I begin this review, I think it’s necessary for you to hear a 30 second sample before reading the rest of this review, because I don’t know how many of you have listened to this song. So click here to hear the sample.)

Today, I’m going to explain the anatomy of an annoyingly catchy song.

There are various things that musicians and album producers do to turn a horrible song into something that becomes mentally tattooed on our brains. It’s sort of like how aerosol potpourri sprays cover up that massive dump you just took in the bathroom after eating a hearty steak dinner.

The potpourri spray smells good at first, but if you hang around the bathroom too long, the crappy smell returns. In the case of the annoyingly catchy song, it sounds good at first, making you want to shake your ass, but after you’ve listened to it for a while, you realize how crappy it truly is and you regret spending the 99 cents for it at the iTunes Store. It’s so crappy that you wouldn’t even bother downloading the torrent for it.

After listening to several annoyingly catchy songs, including the subject of today’s review, “Chicken Noodle Soup” by Webstar & Young B, I think I’ve pinpointed what makes an annoyingly catchy song so memorable.

1. Repetition of lyrics. Repetition of lyrics. Repetition of lyrics.

If there’s one thing that makes an annoyingly catchy song memorable, it’s repetition of lyrics. Just like learning the multiplication table, the periodic table, mixed drinks, and putting the toilet seat down for the ladies, repetition has always made it easier to remember things, like song lyrics, even if you don’t want to.

The Chicken Noodle Soup song lasts for only 203 seconds, but the lines “Let it rain. Clear it out” is said 26 times, “Let’s get it” is sung 21 times, and the title of the song, “Chicken noodle soup” is sung 18 times. So if my math is correct, there’s a “Let it rain. Clear it out” for every eight seconds of the song.

Of course, these are no where close to the 55 times the phrase “peanut butter jelly” is said in the Buckwheat Boyz song “Peanut Butter and Jelly.” But hearing the words “chicken noodle soup” 18 times in one song is enough to make the song pop up in my head whenever I walk through the soup aisle at my grocery store and sing under my breath, “Chicken noodle soup. Chicken noodle soup. Chicken noodle soup with a soda on the side.”

2. Make it ass-shakeable.

For some adults, listening or watching The Wiggles or Barney the purple dinosaur causes quick channel changing, violent shaking of televisions, uncontrollable crying, and impromptu games of Russian Roulette. It also makes some parents wonder if having to tolerate The Wiggles or Barney was worth having children.

However, with young children they are very successful because those crazy colorful Australians and that frickin’ big ass purple dinosaur make children want to dance. Annoying catchy songs do the exact same thing in the clubs or in your car. But then again, there’s lots of alcohol at any club, and if alcohol has the power to make me look good to women at a club, it also has the power to make a song ass-shakeable, no matter how stupid the lyrics are.

What also helps make a song ass-shakeable is the use a sound effect repeatedly in the beat. A lot of hip-hop producers weave police sirens into their beats, which on several occasion have caused me to look in my rear view mirror to see if I’m being pulled over or if I need to make way for an ambulance. In the Chicken Noodle Soup song, there’s an air raid siren which just doesn’t want to stop in my head, even when the song is over.

3. Have lyrics and a title that make no sense at all, and if possible, relate it to food.

“Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat?”

“My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard?”

“Chicken noodle soup with a soda on the side?”

Monkeys with typewriters could probably come up with better lyrics than these annoyingly catchy songs, if monkeys had the ability to form words, sentences, paragraphs, and knew how to work a QWERTY keyboard.

But history has shown that crazy lyrics that are repeated over and over again, have references to food, and have an ass-shakeable beat with them equals annoyingly catchy goodness and eventually a reference on Family Guy.

Item: Webstar & Young B - Chicken Noodle Soup
Price: 99 cents
Purchased at: iTunes Store
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: Annoyingly catchy. Makes me want to shake my ass when there’s alcohol in my system. Possible future Family Guy reference.
Cons: Excessive use of air raid sirens. Repetitive lyrics. Me shaking my ass. Lyrics make no sense. The Wiggles and Barney.

If I ever harmed Kevin Federline (and believe me I am so frickin’ close to doing so) for either stupidity, releasing another rap album, or spreading his seed, I would hate to be arrested and questioned by the regular Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink and the diet Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink…if they were cops.

The regular Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink would probably be the good cop, wanting to be friends with me and offering me things to eat and drink, while the diet Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink would be the bad cop, slapping the taste right out of my mouth for no reason and calling me a no good piece of shit.

Each would use their own tactics to get a confession out of me.

The regular Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink would probably pat me on the back and say, “Hey man, I know you didn’t do it. You seem like a nice guy and you know how I can tell? Because I’m a nice guy and I taste almost like a regular Arizona Green Tea, except a little less sweet. I don’t want you to have to face my partner, diet Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink. He’s an asshole. He thinks he’s bad ass, because he’s got 44 less grams of sugar, 90 percent less calories, and 46 grams less carbs than I do, but I’ve got 100 milligrams of caffeine compared to his 80 milligrams. That extra caffeine makes me more alert and makes me realize that you’re a nice guy. Just tell me who stuck that broom up Kevin Federline’s ass and you can go home.”

Other the hand the diet Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink would probably slap me across the face and say, “Hey asswipe, I know you shoved the broom up Kevin Federline’s ass, tied his arms and legs together, and left him in a room playing the Chicken Noodle Soup song non-stop. We can do this the easy way. Or we can do this the hard way. I prefer the hard way, which involves shoving a really thick broom up your ass, tying your arms and legs together, and leaving you alone in a room with a naked and oiled-up Yanni playing his greatest hits over and over again. What? You’re not going to say anything? Want me to kick your ass! I’m a bitter son of a bitch thanks to the Splenda in me. And you wouldn’t want to drink me when I’m warm, because I taste metallic and will slap the taste right out of your mouth, you little maggot.”

So who would I confess to?

Well they both have 0 grams of fat, low sodium, 100% RDA of Vitamin C, 100% RDA Vitamin B6, 100% RDA Vitamin B12, 1000 milligrams of taurine, 100 milligrams of panax ginseng, 100 milligrams of inositol, 100 milligrams of guarana, 100 mg of glucuronolactone, and 35 milligrams of milk thistle. However, the diet version tastes horrible, especially when warm, and the regular has a little more caffeine.

But in the end, I would probably confess to both of them, because thanks to every entertainment news show, tabloid, and blog reporting on my deed, I would probably become a hero in the eyes of the millions of Kevin Federline haters out there.

Of course, I would be a hero until someone outdoes me by kidnapping Kevin Federline, strapping him to the back of a remote controlled AMC Gremlin like he’s having sex with it, and driving him across the country with a sign on his back, which says, “I will screw anything that moves.”

(Editor’s Note: For more energy drink reviews visit Energy Drink Ratings, Screaming Energy, and Taurine Rules.)

Item: Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink & Arizona Diet Green Tea Energy Drink
Price: $1.75 each (16-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5 (Regular)
Rating: 1 out of 5 (Diet)
Pros: Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink is like the good cop and it tastes decent. Regular version has 100 mg of caffeine. Diet version has only 20 calories per can and 6 grams of sugar. Both are full of energy herbs and vitamins.
Cons: Arizona Diet Green Tea Energy Drink is like the bad cop and tastes horrible. Getting the taste slapped out of my mouth by the Arizona Diet Green Tea Energy Drink. Diet version has 80 mg of caffeine.

The Shopping Cart takes a look at things that I’ve tried, but am too lazy to write a full review for. Consider them mini-reviews. Or lazy-ass-reviews.

What I’m Wearing That Maybe Causing Hell To Freeze Over, But Also May Make Me Look Fabulous

I would not, could not, at the club. I could not, would not, after getting out of the tub. I will not wear it in the form of a shirt. I will not wear it privately in a miniskirt. I will not wear it inside or out. I will not wear it when I’m about. I do not like wearing clothes as pink as spam. I do not like them, Marvo-I-am.

For thirty years of my life, I thought that way about wearing the color pink. I believed that pink was a color that only girls and really preppy Polo-wearing bastards should wear. But after picking up this pink-striped Banana Republic Outlet shirt for $24.99, I’m now beginning to see that pink can be very manly. After all, prime rib is pink…and very manly.

Pink really isn’t so bad. Now that I think about it, I’ve eaten a lot of pink things in my life, like the pink hearts in Lucky Charms, pink cotton candy at a carnival, pink marshmallow Peeps, and other pink things.

So I will wear it at the mall. And I will wear it watching baseball. And I will wear it while in a car. And I will wear it while being rejected at the bar. And I will wear it inside or out. I will wear it when I’m about. I do so like wearing clothes as pink as spam. Thank you! Thank you, Marvo-I-am.

Hmm…I wonder if wearing lavender is in my future now?

What I’m Using In My Hair That Doesn’t Give It That Viagra Stiffness

Every year during Christmas I get free hair care products from my sexy hairstylist. Last Christmas, I received small container of Paul Mitchell’s Tea Tree Grooming Pomade. To be honest, I had no idea what pomade was. It sounded like a pomegranate flavored Gatorade.

I grew up using hair spray, hair gel, and whenever I wanted to look like a 1950s mobster, Brylcreem. My hair product of choice for the past three years to keep my hair stiff is the Viagra-colored Hard Up Hair Gel. I like having my hair stiff because, just like porcupines, I use it to defend myself from predators, like hobos, feral cats, and former Real World cast members who desperately want attention.

Pomade wasn’t designed to give hair a stiff hold, instead it gives it a flexible hold, which I really don’t like since one low ceiling could ruin the messy bed head look that took ten seconds to sculpt in my bathroom mirror. The Tea Tree Grooming Pomade also gave my hair a slight greasy feeling and a weird waxy smell, which is the ultimate woman repelling combo, ahead of missing teeth and a handlebar mustache.

Just like Austin Powers, I am a sexy, hairy beast.

Although, the two Impulsive Buy readers who have seen me completely naked would probably disagree with the sexy part.

There are parts of my body that has hair that I need to manage once in awhile. (1) The hair on top of my head. (2) The hair on my face. (3) The hair around my scroll wheel and left and right mouse buttons. Out of the three, the hardest to manage is definitely the hair around my faucet and hot and cold knobs.

I like to clear the brush around my Norfolk fir tree and pine cones for the same reason why some women make their hair shorter during the summer months — to cool themselves down. There’s also less chance of someone hacking up a hairball when I maintain my black carpet.

When I first started trimming the hedges around my Washington Monument, I would use a scissors, comb, and a steady hand. Then I upgraded to a hair trimmer with attachments to tame the hair around my sausage and sunny-side up eggs. Recently, I upgraded even further with the Phillips Norelco Bodygroom and I consider it the Lexus of cutting the hair around my Harry Potter and Goblets of Fire.

Its design, dual-sided trimmer, and three length attachment combs make it ergonomically easy to trim the outfield grass at my Busch Stadium and it does a good job. If I wanted to go pornstar and totally destroy the rainforest, I could do so by not using any of the attachments and using the shaving blades under the Bodygroom’s hypoallergenic shaving foil.

Also, creating designs in my front yard lawn was not possible to do with the Bodygroom due to its big shaving and trimming head, so I couldn’t create any hearts, strips, arrows, baseball team logos, or any works from Vincent van Gogh.

The Bodygroom can be used for a dry shave, but its design also allows it to be used in the shower and with shaving cream/gel, and because it’s water resistant, cleaning it is as simple as running it under water. The cordless Bodygroom’s claim that you can get 50 minutes of use before the need to recharge its battery is fairly accurate, although charging it takes eight hours.

Many of you with testicles maybe wondering if it hurts or if having cutting blades near your Humpty Dumptys make them have a great fall and crawl back into you. If you’re using the attachments, it’s painless but may takes several strokes to trim a lone rogue pubic hair.

Without an attachment it doesn’t hurt either, but every time I trim the trees along my main street and cul-de-sac I keep thinking of a possible scrambled eggs mess, so I’m surgeon-like careful when I cut down the Christmas trees on my snow globe.

The Bodygroom does a great job with the hair around your banana and strawberry milkshake, but it can also be used for the hair on your chest, shoulders, back, taint, fingers, toes, palms, underarms, abs, legs, and pretty much everything else below the neck, making it the perfect gift for the Sasquatch in your life, or Robin Williams. According to the instructions, the Bodygroom wasn’t made for the hair on your face or on your head, but I do use it with an attachment comb to tame my long, sexy, and hairy sideburns.

Overall, the Phillips Norelco Bodygroom is a sexy piece of equipment that does good work around the groin area.

I wish I could say the same about myself.

Item: Phillips Norelco Bodygroom
Price: $39.99
Purchased at: Amazon.com
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Does a good job of trimming and shaving lower body parts. No irritation. Rechargeable. Cordless. Easy to clean. Can use it in the shower. Comes with three different trimming attachments. 50 minutes of use before recharging is needed. The Lexus of trimming the hair around your crescent wrench and two nuts.
Cons: Destroying the rainforest. Not able to make shapes with it. Finding replacement blades. Not meant for hair above the neck. Long battery charging time.

(Editor’s Note: In honor of Steve Irwin “The Crocodile Hunter,” The Impulsive Buy will review an Australian favorite, Vegemite. Irwin was a crazy mofo, but my kind of crazy mofo. He will be sorely missed, even the crikey. Rest in peace, Crocodile Hunter.)

There are things in life that we all must experience. Love and heartache. Happiness and sadness. Taxes and death. Jury duty and public urination. Liking a band and 10 years later realizing how lame they were, like WHAM!

Along with these experiences, we each have our own list of individual things we want to accomplish in our lifetime. My list is long because it contains things like, becoming a millionaire, being on the Today Show, and touching a woman’s boobie, none of which I have accomplished.

Recently my list became a little shorter when I tried Vegemite for the first time. It’s been something I’ve wanted to try ever since hearing the 1982 Men at Work song “Down Under.”

For those of you that aren’t familiar with Vegemite, it’s a Concentrated Autolyzed Yeast Extract, which forms the acronym C.A.Y.E., which ironically spells out the sound that came out of my mouth while running and gagging to the nearest sink after trying Vegemite on Ritz cracker.

Hmm, how can I describe the taste of Vegemite without causing an international incident or losing any Australian or New Zealand Impulsive Buy readers?

It looks like chocolate, spreads like peanut butter, smells like beef bouillon, and tastes like what I imagine tossing someone’s salad would taste like. I guess the salad tossing taste would explain the “vege” part in Vegemite.

Vegemite is definitely one of those things that will put some hair on your chest, and if you already have hair on your chest, it will put the hair someplace else. Since I already have hair on my chest, I believe the hair will probably grow on my palms, but I won’t know if it’s the Vegemite or my excessive masturbation that causes it.

I’m probably wrong about this, but I believe that Vegemite was created to disgust foreigners from anywhere outside the Australia/New Zealand area. Perhaps it’s payback for all the horrible things that we Americans have exported to Australia and New Zealand, like Rob Schneider movies.

If that’s the case, I’d like to call a truce.

Item: Vegemite
Price: $2.99 (4-ounces)
Purchased at: World Market
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: Puts hair on your chest and if you already have hair on your chest, it will put hair someplace else. Looks like chocolate. Low fat. Wonderful source of riboflavin and gagging.
Cons: Almost made me puke. Salty. Does not go well with Ritz crackers and probably won’t go well with any other cracker. Smells like beef bouillon and tastes like I just tossed someone’s salad. Steve Irwin’s passing.

(Editor’s Note: Today, I’m introducing a new section at The Impulsive Buy called The Shopping Cart, which will consist of products that I’ve purchased, but won’t write a full review for, and products that I’m lusting over, but either can’t afford, can’t find, or it’s only available in dark alleys.)

What I’m Listening To That May Sound Perverted, But Really Isn’t…I Promise

It sounds like there should be something sexual about a song called “Easy” by the Barenaked Ladies, but rest assured there is nothing sexual about it, and I am disappointed about that. However, if it was sung by either Marvin Gaye, Barry White, or the 2 Live Crew, then it probably would’ve been sexual and I would’ve added it to my “Gettin’ It On” mixtape.

“Easy” is the first single from the upcoming Barenaked Ladies album, Barenaked Ladies Are Me, which is being released in the middle of September. I’ve been listening to both the album version, which I purchased from iTunes (99 cents), and the acoustic version, which I downloaded via eMusic (monthly subscription).

It’s a mellow song and is not as fun as many of their previous tracks, like “One Week” and “Another Postcard,” which make me want to grab a hairbrush and lip sync the lyrics in my bathroom mirror. There’s definitely no “Chickity china the Chinese chicken,” but I’m fine with that.

What I’m Drinking That Keeps Reminding Me Of Jay-Z


When I think of hip-hop and beverages, there are only two beverages that come to mind: Cristal and St. Ides. Cristal has been mentioned in hip-hop lyrics by Jay-Z, P. Diddy, Busta Rhymes, Master P, and I’m sure many others. As for St. Ides, this was what former spokesperson Ice Cube had to say about the malt liquor:

Once again it’s on, I’m gone out the front door.
Ice Cube in the glass house, headin’ for the store.
To get a beer that’s better than the rest.
The S-T-period-I-D-E-to-the-S.
and it will put hair on your chest.
In the black can, so why don’t you grab a six pack and,
get your girl in the mood quicker
Get your jimmy thicker with St. Ides malt liquor.

A few months ago, I tried the Izze Sparkling Pomegranate and every time I drank one all I could think about was “H to the izz-O/V to the izz-A/Fo’ shizzle my nizzle used to dribble down in VA.” For those of you who aren’t down with hip-hop, that’s a line from the Jay-Z song “Izzo (H.O.V.A.).” Get it? Izz-E. Izz-O. Izz-A.

Anyway, its tart taste was good, but not great. However, the pomegranate made me feel like I was drinking something healthy, so it made up a little for the taste. I don’t know if the Izze Sparkling Pomegranate is good enough to make it into hip-hop lyrics, but with Jay-Z’s boycott of Cristal it’s one step away from being, “I got Izze Sparkling Pomegranate, I gotta have it./I’m suckin’ them down like it’s a habit.”

Man, I suck as a rapper.

I’d like to think that I’m an environmentally aware person — a treehugger, if you will.

I recycle my glass bottles, aluminum cans, plastic bottles, and newspapers.

I drive a fuel-efficient car.

I reuse those plastic bags I get from the grocery store.

Instead of throwing them away, I donate my unwanted clothes, household items, and crappy Christmas gifts to charitable organizations.

Finally, to save water and allow me to use them another day, I turn my underwear inside out.

A few months ago, I came across the Pom Pomegranate Lychee Green Tea in its re-sealable and reusable glass…glass. My treehugging soul thought that the reusable glass would be a great replacement for my current glassware, which doesn’t consist of any glass and is made up of Big Gulp cups and the McDonald’s 1992 Olympic Dream Team plastic cup set, with four extra Chris Mullin cups.

The Pom Tea glasses would definitely be a step up and along with my lava lamps, glow in the dark stars on my ceiling, and the huge mirror on my bedroom wall they would impress the ladies whenever they come over.

Okay, I’m lying about the women coming over. No woman has stepped foot in my humble, fluorescent-lighted, not-so-swinging bachelor abode, so let me rephrase the previous sentence. 


The Pom Tea glasses would definitely be a step up and impress the ladies if they come over when hell freezes over, pigs start flying, or if I am the last man on the face of the Earth.

I shouldn’t have been surprised by my fascination with the Pom Tea bottle. After all, Pom beverages are known for their bottles.

The original Pom Wonderful juices come in a shapely bottle, which depending on how horny you are, either looks like the Days of Our Lives hourglass or a huge sex toy that is probably 1,000 times more satisfying than I am.

The Pom Pomegranate Lychee Green Tea itself is pretty good and it’s good for you. Although, being a fan of lychee, I was hoping there would be a stronger lychee flavor.

I have to admit that I’ve gotten kind of addicted to the Pom Pomegranate Lychee Green Tea. I don’t know if it’s the slightly tart and sweet taste of it, the fact that it’s frickin’ full of healthy antioxidants, or my need for a set of new glassware, but at $3.50 a bottle it’s definitely hurting my wallet.

(Editor’s Note: Go read TG’s take on the Pom Pomegranate Lychee Green Tea at NYCE.)

Item: Pom Pomegranate Lychee Green Tea
Price: $3.49 (13.5-ounces)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Tasty and refreshing. Addicting. Healthy. Frickin’ full of antioxidant goodness. Fat free. Reusable glass bottle, which are much more classy than my plastic Big Gulp cups. Recycling. Turning my underwear inside out to reuse another day.
Cons: Expensive. Light lychee flavor. Low caffeine. Addictive. No vitamins or minerals. I am not the last man on the face of the Earth.

Cheerios are enjoyed by so many people and I think the reason why Cheerios are beloved is because there are so many varieties. Just like 24-hour news networks, reality shows, and crazy publicly drunk celebrities to hate, there’s a type of Cheerios for everyone.

The varieties include, Honey Nut Cheerios, Apple Cinnamon Cheerios, Multi-Grain Cheerios, Frosted Cheerios, Berry Burst Cheerios, and Yogurt Burst Cheerios.

Because of all these varieties, Cheerios are adored by children, parents, firefighters, police officers, clowns, stoners, account executives, pimps, college students, financial planners, dog trainers, Oprah audience members, Buddhists, professional lacrosse players, telemarketers, the people who rip your ticket when you enter the movie theater, World of Warcraft players, Bittorrent seeders, fluffers, flight attendants, Hookah bar patrons, bums, street performers, towel boys, and shopping cart retrievers.

The love of Cheerios spreads out to Disneyland employees who wear costumes, backseat drivers, sanitation workers, volunteer art class nude models, NASCAR pit crew window cleaners, daytime strippers, spa treatment hair removal waxers, mechanical engineers, indie band drummers, MAC Cosmetics salespeople, Dungeon Masters, coupon clippers, starving people, Felix the Cat, AOL members, porta-pottie cleaners, big rig drivers, Olympic synchronized swimmer alternates, old folks who greet you at the Wal-Mart entrance, internet porn downloaders, 40-something year old pizza delivery guys, quasi-product review blog editors, crossword puzzle creators, dysfunctional former child stars, Colombian drug traffickers, astronauts, reality show contestant losers, loan defaulters, hip-hop artist entourage members, National Spelling Bee incorrect spellers, old school Reebok Pump wearers, and professional nose hair trimmers.

Despite the numerous groups of people who like Cheerios, there has been a small minority group that has been ignored by Cheerios…zombies. That’s right, the living dead hasn’t liked any of the previous incarnations of Cheerios, but thanks to the new Fruity Cheerios it appears there’s a Cheerios out there that appeals to zombies.

No wonder zombies went around killing people and eating their brains and raw flesh. They didn’t have a Cheerios to call their own.

If you don’t believe that zombies like Fruity Cheerios, check out the back of the Fruity Cheerios box, zombie hater. On the back of the box is one happy zombie, with its yellow skin and white pupils. Believe me, I’ve played enough Resident Evil to know what zombies look like, and that my friends is a zombie on the back of the box.

Who knew that Fruity Cheerios would have the power to turn a bloodthirsty zombie into a happy, smiling zombie? But then again, after trying Fruity Cheerios, I can kind of understand why zombies are happy. It’s not as sweet as Fruity Pebbles or Froot Loops, but Fruity Cheerios is pretty good, thanks to the fact that it’s flavored with real fruit juice.

The colors of Fruity Cheerios were pleasant and bright, and powerful enough to turn the cold, empty heart of a zombie into a heart filled with love, compassion, and twelve essential vitamins and minerals.

I hope they don’t get rid of Fruity Cheerios, because I’m not going to be the one to explain it to the zombies.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Tony, Meredith, and all the people who suggested I try Fruity Cheerios. Now I’m going to go kill some zombies with fire so they don’t eat all the Fruity Cheerios.)

Item: Fruity Cheerios
Price: $4.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Loved by zombies, which prevents them from eating human flesh. Good fruity taste. Nice color. Flavored with real fruit juice. Less sugar than leading fruity cereal. 12 essential vitamins and minerals.
Cons: Not as sweet as Fruity Pebbles or Froot Loops. Pissing off zombies if Fruity Cheerios are discontinued.

I didn’t realize how hard it was to find someone to smell my armpit.

What’s wrong with a complete stranger, walking up in a trenchcoat, baseball cap and sunglasses to another person, and ask them if they would like to smell an armpit? It’s not like I’m asking them to lick it, there are people out there that I can pay to do that.

Now you might be saying to yourself, “If he’s willing to pay someone to lick his armpit, why doesn’t he pay someone to smell his armpit?”

I’ll tell you why. Because I don’t pay people for things I can do myself. Like the licking the armpit thing, I can’t do that. I’ve tried. Either my tongue isn’t long enough or my neck can’t contort itself properly. But I can easily smell my own armpit.

It’s not like I’m going to shove that person’s face into my armpit, rub it around for 30 seconds, while yelling, “Who’s your daddy!?!” Also, no one’s going to get a hairball from smelling my armpit, because I trim my armpit hair. I do it because I don’t want it to look like I constantly have a kitten in a headlock.

The reason why I was looking for someone to smell my armpit was because I wanted to know what they thought of the new Axe Dry Clix scent, which I’ve been trying out for the past week. If you’re a regular reader of The Impulsive Buy, you know that I’ve tried a few Axe products, and found them to be…um…what’s the best way to describe them?

Not good? Crappy? Shitty? Lame late night Cinemax softcore porn-ish?

Oh wait, I got it…old man-ish smelling.

With this negative opinion I have of Axe products, I wanted someone else’s thoughts about the Axe Dry Clix scent, which I thought smelled fine while in the dispenser, but gross when I applied it on my armpit. The Axe Dry Clix was somewhat uncomfortable to roll on as the scented hard white substance grabbed and tugged on some of my underarm pubes. Also, with the Axe Dry Clix being a white stick, it left some white residue after applying, which could end up on clothes or on someone’s face if their face was shoved into an armpit, rubbed around for 30 seconds, while hearing, “Who’s your daddy!?!”

Of course, as I noted earlier, I failed to get another person to smell my armpit to find out what they thought of this anti-perspirant/deodorant. However, I’m going to give you the opportunity to smell my armpit and let me know what you think of the Axe Dry Clix scent.

Above is a picture of my armpit with the Axe Dry Clix applied. To smell, just scratch the picture on your computer monitor, place your nose next to the monitor, and inhale deeply with your nose. If it doesn’t work the first time, I suggest you keep trying. If it doesn’t work at all, I recommend you get a new monitor. If you are able to smell it, let me know what you think in the comments.

Right now I’m going to stick with the Clix, because I’m too lazy to buy another deodorant and there are a few people out there whose faces I would like to shove into my armpit, rub it around for 30 seconds, and ask them “Who’s their daddy!?!”

(Editor’s Note: Sorry this is a little late. Congratulations to celebrate woo-woo, Rich Anderson, and Nicole for being selected as the winners of The Impulsive Buy’s second anniversary prize drawing. They will each receive a Mystery Box. What’s in the Mystery Box? If I were to tell you it wouldn’t be such a mystery now would it. Plus, I didn’t buy any of the products for them yet. Thanks to everyone who participated.)

Item: Axe Dry Clix
Price: $3.99
Purchased at: Kmart
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Smells all right in the container. Keeps my armpits dry. Trimming armpit hair so that it doesn’t look like I have a kitten in a headlock.
Cons: Not being able to find someone to smell my armpit. Doesn’t smell as good when applied to my armpits. Doesn’t glide easily under my armpit. Being too lazy to buy new deodorant. White residue left behind after applying may end up on clothes.

Oh thank heaven for 7-Eleven Slurpees, which are not only cold and refreshing, they can also turn your tongue into colors that are usually only made possible through sexually transmitted diseases.

For example, the Coke and Pepsi Slurpees can turn your tongue brown or black like herpes. If you’ve ever had either a banana or pina colada Slurpee you know that it can turn your tongue yellow much like chancroid would if you went down on an Eastern Asian sex worker. The strawberry Slurpee can make a tongue red much like gonorrhea would do to some dude’s schlong.

My tongue right now is purple, but it’s not due to syphilis from a three dollar hooker or pubic lice bites from a 50 cent dollar hooker, it’s from the somewhat new Purple S’Creme Slurpee.

The most interesting thing about the Purple S’Creme Slurpee is that it’s much like a transvestite prostitute, its outside appearance is deceiving.

By just looking at the picture above you’d expect it to have some kind of purple-ish flavor, like grape, plum, sweet potato, eggplant, or Barney. However, just like undressing a transvestite prostitute, taking a sip of the Purple S’Creme Slurpee will bring you a surprise.

Although it’s an unpleasant surprise when taking off the clothes of a transvestite prostitute and a positive surprise when tasting the Purple S’Creme Slurpee.

Under that purple icy exterior was a great vanilla flavor, which reminded me of the blue vanilla Slurpees the 7-Eleven down the street from me once served. Oh, those were wonderful delicious memories. Much better memories than the particular memory I have of the time I spent with a particular tall woman with really long fingers, a deep voice, and legs hairier than mine.

It didn’t taste like there was a hint of any other flavor in the Purple S’Creme Slurpee. It was just delicious vanilla that I could enjoy without the need for condoms or dental dams, like I would need if I went on a Southeast Asian sex trip.

Although I will have to admit, just like if I had gonorrhea, the Purple S’Creme Slurpee caused me pain and discomfort, but that was due to the Brain Freeze I got from sucking down the Slurpee too fast and not because of a night spent with a 47-year-old, three-kid, five-tattoo stripper named Big Momma.

Unfortunately, the Purple S’Creme Slurpee is caffeine free, which is good for tired moms with hyperactive children, but not good for hardcore gamers, caffeine-addicted office workers, or prostitutes that need a pick-me-up after being picked up.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to my boss for recommending the Purple S’Creme Slurpee. Also, thanks to my boss for hiring me.)

Item: Purple S’Creme Slurpee
Price: $1.39 (28-ounce)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Good vanilla flavor. Cold and refreshing. Perfect on a hot, burning day. Possibly perfect on a hot, burning schlong. Condoms. Dental dams. Colorful tongues from Slurpees.
Cons: Caffeine free. Purple color is deceiving, like a transvestite prostitute. Pubic lice. Brain Freeze. Colorful tongues from sexually transmitted diseases.

I’m not of big fan of the future, or its friends Miss Cleo and Dionne Warwick. They’ve disappointed me so many times, like at 12:01 a.m. on January 1, 2000 when everyone thought the world was going to end because of Y2K.

Just to let you know, I’m still eating the canned food I stocked up on back then and I’ve still got my looting gear, which consists of bricks to break windows, a black mask to hide my face, and a shopping cart to carry all the stuff I was going to steal.

I thought the future would bring us personal jet packs that would allow everyone to fly like birds, make it possible for short Asian people to dunk basketballs on regulation height rims, and give everyone the opportunity to join the Mile High Club. Instead we have the Segway personal transporter, which zips at a brisk 12.5 MPH and makes everyone who rides one look like a smug prick.

By now I thought there would be a MTV channel which plays ONLY music videos. For a while MTV2 filled that role, but quicker than you can say Wonder Showzen (which is frickin’ hilarious), but not as quick as I am to change the channel when The Andy Milonakis Show comes on, MTV2 began to focus less on music videos.

Finally, I hoped the future would bring breakfast pizza. I’m not talking about the leftover pizza sitting on the counter or in the fridge from last night’s swinger party you had. I’m talking about fresh pizza that I can order at 5:30 in the morning and have it delivered to my apartment within 30 minutes by some guy whose tip is going to be, “Here’s your tip. Don’t be a pizza delivery guy for the rest of your life.”

Instead, we have breakfast cookies to eat, which depending on your breakfast eating habits, is something totally new, a bowl of Cookie Crisp, or something you ate throughout college using Oreos and Chips Ahoy!

The breakfast cookies I’m talking about are the new Quaker Breakfast Cookies, which come in two flavors, Oatmeal Raisin and Apple Cinnamon. Despite its name, they’re more of a mid-morning snack instead of something that would be, as most cereal commercials say, “Part of a nutritious breakfast.”

They’re definitely healthier than regular cookies since they’re made with whole grain rolled oats and contain 5 grams of dietary fiber, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, zero grams of trans fat, and a whole bunch of vitamins and minerals. However, I don’t know if its healthiness quite makes up for its decent taste. I’ve never had an apple cinnamon cookie before, but I’ve had better tasting oatmeal raisin cookies than the Quaker Breakfast Cookies version.

I also gave a couple of cookies to my co-worker, who took a bite out of one of them, told me they were disgusting, threw away the uneaten portion, and then put me on her shit list.

Each soft and chewy cookie is about three inches to three and a half inches in diameter, which is a good size for a cookie, and they’re individually-wrapped, which makes it convenient for those people on the go, like those waking up the next morning after a swinger party on a workday.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to the folks at Quaker and Fleishman-Hillard for send me a couple of boxes of Quaker Breakfast Cookies. I predict that after reading this review they will never send me anything else ever again. Also, for more reviews of these cookies, go check out Bryan’s review at Cheap Eats and TG’s same-day thoughts at NYCE.)

Item: Quaker Breakfast Cookies
Price: FREE (Retails for $3.29)
Purchased at: Received free from Quaker
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Healthy. Individually packed. Good size. Makes a good mid-morning snack. 5 grams of dietary fiber. Vitamins and minerals. Wonder Showzen. Breakfast pizza. Cookie Crisp. Might be good for swinger parties.
Cons: Not the greatest tasting cookies in the world. Not part of a nutritious breakfast. Not good for those who don’t like soft cookies. No music only MTV. No personal jet packs. Being on my co-worker’s shit list.

Over the years, I have learned an important lesson: When alcohol and silicone are taken away from something, they instantly lose their fun factor.

For example, a party at the Playboy Mansion wouldn’t be any fun without alcohol and silicone. Strip clubs would be less enjoyable minus alcohol and silicone. Finally, Anna Nicole Smith would be less fun and harder to parody without alcohol and silicone.

Recently, I found a product that debunks the lesson I learned, the Mazola Pure Butter Cooking Spray. Not only does it not have any alcohol or silicone, which it proudly boasts on its packaging, it also doesn’t have any calories, fat, sodium, carbohydrates, and cholesterol.

With none of that in the Mazola Pure Butter Cooking Spray, you’re probably asking yourself, how can it be any fun?

Well with the right people, items and body parts, it can be hella fun.

For example, did you see the episode of Family Guy when the employees of Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory had a competition at their company picnic to see who could catch a greased-up deaf guy? You can recreate this thanks to the Mazola Pure Butter Cooking Spray.

Just get a bunch of your friends. Find a place with a lot of open space, like a city park, state university campus, or cemetery. Then have everyone draw straws. The one with the shortest straw has to strip down to their skivvies and be sprayed all over with the Mazola Pure Butter Cooking Spray. Give that person a 30 second head start and some earplugs, then you folks can have yourself some greasy giggly fun.

Oh yeah, just a warning. Do not play this game in the middle of the day, unless you plan to eat your friend once you capture them and they’ve had time to cook in midday sun.

Do you have plastic sheets, a significant other, and did you run out of sensual massage oil?

If you said yes to all three, you can use the Mazola Pure Butter Cooking Spray in your foreplay activities. Just spray it on body parts and then rub, stroke, lick, and/or tickle. I sprayed some on my body and it felt kind of good once I got used to the butter scent. I also made a video of me rubbing it on, which you can view here (Quicktime required).

Oh yeah, another warning. Do not use the cooking spray as a lubricant for condoms and please remember to dispose of plastic sheets when done with sweet, sweet lovemaking.

Now if you’re really crazy and want to have some real fun, you can use the Mazola Pure Butter Cooking Spray to cook things or add some light butter flavor to foods like popcorn.

Usually, I use a tablespoon of butter when making an omelette, but the other morning I used the Mazola Pure Butter Cooking Spray to make a turkey, cheese, and broccoli omelette. I really couldn’t taste the butter flavor from the cooking spray, but it did prevent my eggs from sticking to the pan.

Like its greasy distant spraying cousin, WD-40, the Mazola Pure Butter Cooking Spray has a lot of fun uses, but you just have to find them. Although WD-40 totally sucks as a sensual massage oil.

Item: Mazola Pure Butter Cooking Spray
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Hella fun. No fat. No cholesterol. No sodium. No carbs. No calories. Can add a light buttery flavor to popcorn. Aluminum can is strokeable. Not just for cooking, it’s like WD-40. Possible massage oil replacement.
Cons: A Playboy Mansion party without alcohol and silicone. Too light of a buttery taste. Might’ve been more fun with alcohol and silicone.