Just like Bert and Ernie, cookies and milk are two things that are synonymous with the action of dipping one into the other.
This is why cookies and milk are two things that go great together, like peanut butter and chocolate, Penn and Teller, and Rosie O’Donnell or Donald Trump and a muzzle. Although, when you think about it, cookies and milk are two things that shouldn’t belong together. After all, “milk does a body good” and cookies does a body much like Star Jones before the gastric bypass surgery.
I don’t know when I learned to dip my cookies in milk or who taught it to me, but all I know is that it’s very delicious, unless you’re lactose intolerant, then it’s probably diarrheariffic. However, I didn’t always associate cookies with milk.
When I was a really young diaper-wearing poop machine, cookies were not the thing I associated milk with. Instead, the only thing my feeble, still developing mind could associate with milk were breasts. Then when I got a little older, but still was a diaper-wearing poop machine, breasts were replaced with plastic bottles that had rubber nipples I could chew on.
Then when I got even older and ate mostly solid foods, but now a bed wetting machine, plastic bottles were probably replaced with cookies. Then when I reached puberty and started growing hair in places I didn’t think it would, but now a nocturnal emission spewing machine, it was back to breasts and also cookies.
Today, thanks to my expanding waistline and my addiction to internet porn, I don’t eat cookies and milk very often. However, I did recently have cookies and milk, but in the form of the Limited Edition Nestle Nesquik Cookies ‘n Milk Milkshake.
Yes, it’s another limited edition product, which makes the number of limited edition products not so limited, but what’s worse is the promise I made to myself due to the insane number of limited edition products out there. I told myself that if Nesquik came out with a limited edition chocolate milk to add to the influx of limited edition products, I was going to punch an elderly man in the face. Now I have to find an elderly man and punch him in the face.
Anyway, before I head off to the next AARP meeting, I have to tell you that the Limited Edition Nestle Nesquik Cookies ‘n Milk Milkshake doesn’t taste like cookies and milk… or cookies… or milk.. or a milkshake… or Cookie Monster’s puke after a cookie binge. Instead it tasted like a cold version of hot chocolate with tiny marshmallows, which isn’t bad, but isn’t good since “Cookies ‘n Milk” is prominently printed several times on the bottle.
Despite not tasting like cookies and milk, with 360 calories, six grams of saturated fat, two grams of dietary fiber, 48 grams of sugar, 16 grams of protein, and some vitamins and minerals in an entire bottle, its nutritional value is about the same as eating actual cookies and drinking milk.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I hear canes, walkers, and motorized wheelchairs calling me. If you happen to hear the words, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up,” that will probably be Nesquik’s fault.
Item: Limited Edition Nestle Nesquik Cookies ‘n Milk Milkshake
Price: $2.69 (13.5 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: It’s limited edition. Tastes like hot chocolate and marshmallows. 16 grams of protein per bottle. Vitamins and minerals. No longer a diaper wearing poop machine, bed wetting machine, or a nocturnal emission spewing machine. Peanut butter and chocolate. Breasts.
Cons: Doesn’t taste like cookies and milk. It’s not a milkshake, because it doesn’t bring all the boys to the yard. And they’re like it’s not better than yours. Damn right, it’s not better than yours. Expensive when purchased from 7-Eleven. The number of limited edition products. My internet porn addiction. My expanding waistline. Having to punch a elderly man in the face.