Del Monte Polar Raspberry Fruit Chillers

I might’ve given the Del Monte Polar Raspberry Fruit Chillers a five rating if it weren’t for the frickin’ raspberries.

I don’t like raspberries, because I don’t like fruits that have silent letters in their names and makes fun of my lisp at the same time. But don’t call me a fruit-ist, because I enjoy almost all other fruits. Although I also really hate those damn Ugli fruits, because I’m not going to be what I eat.

Sure, cantaloupe sounds funny when you say it five times in a row really fast, but I’ll still eat it. Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe. Honeydew melons don’t have honey or bees in them, but I’ll still cut one open and eat out its greenish goodness. Bananas are phallic, but I enjoy sticking a long one in my mouth.

Raspberries are also big fat liars, because according to Wikipedia, they aren’t even berries. How can I trust a fruit to give me delicious goodness when it’s totally not being honest to me? Why can’t the raspberry be more truthful like an orange?

An orange doesn’t lie, because an orange is orange. The only way an orange wouldn’t be an orange was if an orange wasn’t orange. So an orange would be lying if an orange wasn’t orange, but called itself an orange.

Despite my disdain for raspberries, I actually did like the Del Monte Raspberry Fruit Chillers, which calls itself a frozen fruit sorbet. However, just like raspberries, every Del Monte Raspberry Fruit Chillers is a liar because it calls itself “frozen,” but if you buy one at the store it won’t be frozen or even near the frozen food aisle. It’s found with the canned fruits, which kind of makes sense since it’s made from 3/4 servings of real fruit. In order to get them frozen, they have to be stuck in a freezer overnight or spend a few days in the bosom of a cold-hearted bitch.

Each package comes with four 4.5-ounce cups and each one of those has 100% of your daily Vitamin C and zero fat. Its sweet and slightly tart taste is very good and it makes a nice snack to have on a hot summer day or a masochistic snack on a cold, snowy, and blustery evening outside with nothing but a g-string and a pair of Birkenstock sandals on.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Matt at Colburn Communication for sending me a free pack of Fruit Chillers, although I really wanted the strawberry or mango one. Also, Lord Jezo at 78west liked them as well, but he tried the strawberry one. Lucky bastard.)

Item: Del Monte Polar Raspberry Fruit Chillers
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Received from Matt at Colburn Communication
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Despite it being made out of those damn lying raspberries, it was good. Fat free. 100% of daily Vitamin C. Made with 3/4 servings of real fruit. Four individual cups. Contains no artificial flavors. Does not contain high fructose corn syrup. Gluten-free (That’s for you, Mir). Saying cantaloupe five times really fast.
Cons: Raspberries are frickin’ liars and make fun of my lisp. Silent letters. Have to freeze overnight before eating. Being outside in nothing but a g-string and a pair of Birkenstock sandals. Ugli fruits.

27 thoughts on “Del Monte Polar Raspberry Fruit Chillers

  1. Good product idea by Del Monte…tasty and quasi-healthy both! Good luck with finding one in a flavor that’s easier to pronounce, Marvo. I’m sure they’ll find their way to a store on your Pacific rock soon.

  2. Don’t feel bad. I just don’t like raspberries either. Every time I try to enjoy them they make my face look like Sylvester the Cat after he eats Alum. And they lie. Oh, such liars, but blackberries, IMHO, are delicious although they are hardcore liars as well.

  3. Are these things really hard to find? We found them, months ago yet people are still trying to figure out how to get them locally, even here on the main land.

    I think I was in some kind of test market but I figured they would have rolled out the product by now since everyone seems to like them.

  4. I prefer Haagen Daz’s version of sorbet, the strawberry kind is really good. But it has clumps of puree in it, which pisses me off. Does this one have that too?

  5. These sound yummy (although I too am anti-raspberry, all those seeds are bothersome). Mayhap my kids will ike them too, picky little ankle-biters.

  6. These sound yummy (although I too am anti-raspberry, all those seeds are bothersome). Mayhap my kids will like them too, picky little ankle-biters.

  7. I had the mango one. It was delcicious! But, they weren’t filling at all, so I kinda ate the whole box in one sitting.

    Raspeberries ARE damn liers. Fo sho.

  8. Gluten-free! You have a mind like a steel trap, Marvo.

    Though actually, I’m more interested in how it’s shelf-stable at room temp and then magically turns into… sorbet-like substance. That scares me a little.

  9. Hey – I’m a cold hearted bitch, but it only takes a day to freeze anything in my bosom. Really, you underestimate the coldness.

  10. I’m going to buy these frosty little gems for my mom.
    She has celiacs, likes raspberries, and frozen treats!

    Hooray.

    I don’t think I’m going to try these, however. I can eat all kinds of gluten, I despise raspberries, and I like a heavy more filling snack, like, say, a Big Mac.

  11. The strawberry flavor is very tasty but disturbingly sweet (and that’s saying something coming from me). It’s so sweet I haven’t been able to make myself finish the pack. However, when I started the pack I ate two containers in one sitting. Drats, I think I just convinced myself to finish the pack.

    Long live gluten.

  12. skibs – I’m seriously waiting for raspberries to stab me in the back.

    Chuck – I haven’t seen them, but then again I seem to only shop at 7-Eleven and Safeway.

    Domokun – Yeah, that Granny always making Sylvester eat pots and pans after trying to eat Tweety.

    Lord Jezo – Yes, these thinks are frickin’ hard to find! They must be soooo good that they’re flying off of the shelves…or you and your crew are buying all the places out.

    Melanie – If only Birkenstock made thongs, because it would be so easy to match the two.

    Brie – Lots of puree. Pear puree. Raspberry puree. Raspberry beret. The kind u find in the second hand store. Raspberry beret. And if it was warm she wouldn’t wear much more. Raspberry beret. I think I love her.

    Webmiztris – I don’t even know what Italian ice is. I’m so uncultured.

    Melis – NO SEEDS!!! I should’ve put that in the pros section. Your kids will like them.

  13. Hunter – Damn! I want to try the mango one!

    Mir – I think it works like Otter Pops. Oh wait, in your case, it’s Otto Pops.

    Clevegal42 – So is that where you put your drinks? 🙂

    Natalia – If you eat all four it’s like a Big Mac.

    L Boogie – I will finish them for you if you’re not going to eat them.

    Toni – Paris Hilton in a soundproof cell sounds like a good idea, but nothing with Paris Hilton in the equation is a good idea. She makes every thing around her not good…like Nicole Richie.

    Perkins – That would be the worst frozen treat EVER.

    Melbatoast – Blood oranges are bloody liars.

  14. So Marvo, is the texture of the frozen product really like sorbet? Or is it like ice-cake, that frozen treat that we all grew up with here? Hard as a rock that you need to chip away with your metal spoon (or fork) to enjoy.

  15. it looks just like ‘Luigi’s Italian Ice’ that you can buy in the freezer section. You kind of have to hack away at the Luigi’s at first though, as it starts out a bit on the frozen side

  16. Chicken Recipes – You love them? But would you marry them?

    LaneO – Definitely not like ice cakes. It’s really like sorbet, but if you desire, you can lick it from the cup, like I used to do with ice cakes.

    dvs01 – If I needed to practice for the role of Jason in a new Friday the 13th movie, I would buy a Luigi’s Italian Ice and stab at it with a fork.

  17. Marvo, you said Lord Jezo was a lucky bastard because he got to try the strawberry variety; but he’s a victim of lies too, as strawberries contain no straw (and are in fact enemies to straws; especially if you try and drink a strawberry milkshake through a straw, and a bit of strawberry gets stuck in it).

  18. It’s not technically a lie because it has “Fruit” in the name, but I think anything that is mostly something not named (pear puree) then the Better Business Bureau should shut them down. But these aren’t even the worst offenders: next time you have a Quaker Peaches (or other fruit) and Cream instant oatmeal, I dare you to find the actually fruit on the label (with the only exception being blueberry).

  19. Zadillo – I think strawberries are called strawberries because they grow on straws or because scarecrows like to protect them.

    Toni – I was trying to show that not all combinations are good.

    Mad Cow – I wish Slurpees had fruit in them.

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