Taco Bell Zesty Nachos

I think nachos were invented by someone who was either really high or really hungry. That is perhaps the reason why nachos look so good when you’re really high or really hungry.

Just like boob jobs, nachos come in different forms. I think someone’s momma once said, “Life is like a plate of nachos, you never know what you gonna get.”

Sometimes you get nachos with just cheese. Other times you get nachos with chili and cheese. Some nachos come with cheese and refried beans. Nachos can come with guacamole, sour cream, and/or salsa. Some nachos come in a tortilla chip sombrero you can wear outside to protect you from the sun.

Sometimes you get a whole bunch of chips and not a lot of other toppings, but that’s not nachos, that’s just chips somebody accidently spilled some stuff on.

(Editor’s Note: That last paragraph sounded like a Mitch Hedberg joke and I can imagine him saying it in my head, but I don’t think it’s one. I hope.)

Nachos may not be the prettiest food when you’re sober or not really hungry, but you have to admit they look much better than Tara Reid or Courtney Love in a bikini. Actually, nachos do a great job with satisfying one’s appetite, while seeing Reid or Love in a bikini makes one lose their appetite.

Just to let you know, I’m not high right now, but I do think that the new Taco Bell Zesty Nachos are a metaphor for life. It comes with tortilla chips, seasoned beef, zesty nacho cheese sauce, tomatoes and sour cream. Each of those ingredient represents a part of every individual.

The tortilla chips represents one’s mind. Much like tortilla chips, the mind can easily crack, but also like tortilla chips, your mind can hold a lot. A single tortilla chip has the power to hold seasoned beef, cheese, tomatoes and sour cream, while your mind can hold memories, online passwords, lame knock knock jokes, dialogue from Star Wars movies and horrifying images of celebrities in bikinis.

The seasoned beef is like the muscles on your body, because the beef is technically muscle from a cow. The zesty nacho cheese sauce is like your soul, because when you pass on your soul will still be around and when you pass gas the nacho cheese sauce smell will still be around. The tomatoes represent your heart, because just like your heart, tomatoes are red as well. Finally, the sour cream is your experiences. Your bad experiences are the sour part, while your good experiences are the creamy part.

All that stuff put together makes you and who you are, and unless you’re an asshole, it’s a good thing.

Okay, those last few paragraphs sounded like I was high, but I was not. I think I’m just hungry, because one of these Taco Bell Zesty Nachos wasn’t enough to fill me up. I’ll admit that it was good and for a buck and a half I shouldn’t expect much, although for the rest of the United States, it costs only 99 cents.

Despite having the meal-like nutritional values of 470 calories, 32 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 40 mg cholesterol, 730 mg of sodium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of dietary fiber and 10 grams of protein, I think the Taco Bell Zesty Nachos make a much better snack than a meal.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Daniel for letting me know about the Taco Bell Zesty Nachos. Thanks to him, I think my trans fat intake is about to go up.)

Item: Taco Bell Zesty Nachos
Price: $1.49 (99 cents for the rest of the country)
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Tasty. Kind of cheap for me, but really cheap for the rest of the United States. Makes a great snack. Nachos are a metaphor for life. The human mind.
Cons: Small serving size and not filling, but kind of worth it for the price I paid. Messy. 1.5 grams of trans fat. Tara Reid or Courtney Love in a bikini. Nachos without a bunch of toppings. Being an asshole. Taco Bell prices on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

34 thoughts on “Taco Bell Zesty Nachos

  1. I’d love to have that right now, too bad my family is on a detox this week. I’ll hug a tree for you lol. Nice review.

  2. Given that all I’ve done much of this afternoon is cleaning up our new puppy’s incessant diarrhea, this doesn’t sound too appetizing right at the moment. Any other time, I’d be scarfing several of these up right with you, Marvo.

  3. What about Hawaii makes the ingredients for nachos so damn expensive? And you call your island a paradise? Nachos cost 50% more there!

  4. Zesty nachos are awesome. Not because they really taste any different from the other nachos(they really, really, really don’t) there, but because they’re 99 cents and come in their own little box with a plastic lid.

    I didn’t know about the 500 calories though…I’ve been using them as a side order for a couple of double decker tacos. This might explain the stomach pains and temporary loss of vision.

  5. I just wonder where they came up with the “Zesty” idea. “Zesty” doesn’t make me think of food…it makes me think of laundry detergent or soap. I saw too many “Zestfully clean” commercials growing up, I suppose. Still, for a buck this doesn’t seem like a bad deal.

  6. During my last visit to Taco Bell I ordered these, among other things, but wasn’t hungry enough to eat them. I stuck them in the refrigerator for the night and, lacking any method of heating them, ate them cold. I wish I could say it was disgusting but it wasn’t that different from the normal Taco Bell nacho experience.

  7. So let me get this straight: the nacho cheese equals the flatulence of one’s soul?

    Sheer poetry. Marvo, you should write a book.

  8. dude, y’all need taco cabanas out there.
    I can get a half dozen FRESH HOT tortillas for $.75, some free butter, cilantro, lemon, lime, salsa, onions from the salad bar, and I have lunch AND dinner for the night.
    Taco Bell is dog puke compared to Taco Cabana
    you should totally come to Houston ! I’d totally treat you to Taco C for some great review action! Then we could go to the local international grocery and go on a gastric adventure! I went on one yesterday and I feel like a better human being for it.
    Marvo, you’re my hero!!!!

  9. Hunter – Just don’t hug the Whomping Willow in Harry Potter.

    Domokun – Mmm…Puppy diarrhea.

    cybele – I guess shipping frozen seasoned beef is expensive.

    Tamara – I’m going to guess that your nachos will taste better than Taco Bell’s because their nachos are not yours.

    Ace N. – Wait. Are you drinking moonshine with your Taco Bell?

    Chuck – I think they should replace “zesty” with “awesometastic.”

    Amanda – Mmm…Soggy chips.

    Brie – Yes it does. Yes it does.

    KT – You know that dog puke is more edible than dog diarrhea. Also, we have crappy Mexican restaurants here so I settle for Taco Bell. Finally, the term “gastric adventure” sounds kind of smelly.

    Celeste – I have a bunch of vegetarian readers. I need to review more meat. Just kidding. 😉

  10. The Food Network channel had a program featuring Mexican foods and they claimed that Nachos were named after the guy who supposedly invented them. And my friend, who came from New Mexico, said that Nacho is a nickname for Ignacio. Not that you or any of your readers wanted to know that. Those Zesty Nachos are good but they really aren’t zesty enough.
    BTW, check out the new Mexican restaurant on N. School St. “Mexico Restaurant” (that’s really its name) near Mitsuken.

  11. I’m from New Mexico, and the best place to get nachos here is at the Blue Corn Brew in Santa Fe. Not that that helps you at all, but if you are ever in NM I will take you there. And Lane is right, Nacho is a nickname for Ignacio…

  12. I didn’t like them, but I’m not big on nachos to begin with. they always seem soggy with all of that stuff on them. that really did sound like a Mitch Hedberg joke…LOL…good job! He was awesome.

  13. My name is Jed and I just finished reading your articles on food reviews, in fact that’s why I am e-mailing you. Our magazine is based in Los Angeles, California, but most of our photographers/ writers/ chefs have been e-mailing and mailing us their submissions.
    Our cooking magazine is targeting singles, college students, and families that don’t have that much time to prepare food. I have a section available if you’re interested.
    Let me know okay?
    Jed Williston

  14. Marvo, you have an amazing talent to take the most unappetizing possible photos of food. It’s like you’re the antithesis to whoever it is they hire to film these products for their commercials (or photograph them for their print advertising).

  15. Marvo. How do you always slip in a sexual innuendo?

    I’m pretty sure Hallmark should hire you.

  16. TheSkinnyCook – Oooh, no rules!?! Just like the jungle!!!

    LaneO – I keep hearing Quinteros on Piikoi Street is a good Mexican place.

    justin – Also, R.I.P. Sam Kinison. I miss them both.

    Melis – And if you ever come to this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, I will take you to McDonald’s or Burger King or Taco Bell. 😉

    Webmiztris – Yes, the sogginess is a problem, but to overcome that, I don’t eat my nachos, I inhale them. This makes sure I get crunchy chips every time.

    jed – Um, maybe?

    Zadillo – As you know, I likes to keep it real.

    Noelle – Some people say it’s a gift. Some people say it’s a curse. And some people say it’s loneliness.

    stephanie – Poop in text is funny, as long as you don’t have to smell it.

  17. Aw, Mitch Hedberg. Rest in peace, man.

    Marvo, I think your site is one of the few places where people can see what fast food really looks like (on the internets, anyway). Good lord.

  18. Hm, I’d been thinking of picking these up for review but after looking at the picture, now I’m not so sure… though 99 cents is definitely cheap enough. But yeah it does suck that things are more expensive on your rock paradise.

  19. Seeing that note about “cheap for me but really cheap for the rest of the country” makes me wonder – is it ever irritating that you always have to pay more for everything? Does the wonderful climate compensate for the higher prices? I’m not trying to be snooty, it’s just something I’ve wondered about and you’re the only resident of Hawaii I know.

  20. I’m surprised someone in Hawaii hasn’t come up with SPAM Nachos. Wait, they probably have.

  21. Tristyn – Yet we still eat it. Mmm…Messy double cheeseburger.

    Bryan – Cheap Eats! Cheap Eats! Must review because it’s cheap! And it’s edible.

    Meredith – Nah, it doesn’t bother us. We’re used to it. But sometimes gas prices suck.

    Danette – It’s coming…before June. Because that’s when it expires.

    Noelegy – Oooh, spam nachos.

    TheSkinnyCook – But food fights are fun…when someone else cleans up.

  22. Dammit, I can’t have nachos any time soon because of this South Beach Diet I’m in.

    BTW, I had no idea that Nacho was a nickname for Ignacio. That explains why Jack Black’s character in “Nacho Libre” gave himself that wrestling nickname- because his name was Ignacio! Man, I learn something new everyday.

  23. …just a little fyi since im a manager at T.B…..its nacho cheese AND the creamy jalapeno sauce…mainly letting you know in case you want to try the spicy sauce on other items, or to leave it off and have just the nacho cheese! 🙂

  24. Just out of curiosity… How do these relate in size to like… Nachos Bell Grande…? Also, do they have the refried bean junk on them? I can’t really tell from any photos I’ve seen… :o)

  25. Holly – I haven’t had the Nachos Bell Grande in awhile, so I can’t compare, but I can’t tell you that there isn’t any refriend beans on these nachos.

Comments are closed.