Taco Bell Zesty Nachos

I think nachos were invented by someone who was either really high or really hungry. That is perhaps the reason why nachos look so good when you’re really high or really hungry.

Just like boob jobs, nachos come in different forms. I think someone’s momma once said, “Life is like a plate of nachos, you never know what you gonna get.”

Sometimes you get nachos with just cheese. Other times you get nachos with chili and cheese. Some nachos come with cheese and refried beans. Nachos can come with guacamole, sour cream, and/or salsa. Some nachos come in a tortilla chip sombrero you can wear outside to protect you from the sun.

Sometimes you get a whole bunch of chips and not a lot of other toppings, but that’s not nachos, that’s just chips somebody accidently spilled some stuff on.

(Editor’s Note: That last paragraph sounded like a Mitch Hedberg joke and I can imagine him saying it in my head, but I don’t think it’s one. I hope.)

Nachos may not be the prettiest food when you’re sober or not really hungry, but you have to admit they look much better than Tara Reid or Courtney Love in a bikini. Actually, nachos do a great job with satisfying one’s appetite, while seeing Reid or Love in a bikini makes one lose their appetite.

Just to let you know, I’m not high right now, but I do think that the new Taco Bell Zesty Nachos are a metaphor for life. It comes with tortilla chips, seasoned beef, zesty nacho cheese sauce, tomatoes and sour cream. Each of those ingredient represents a part of every individual.

The tortilla chips represents one’s mind. Much like tortilla chips, the mind can easily crack, but also like tortilla chips, your mind can hold a lot. A single tortilla chip has the power to hold seasoned beef, cheese, tomatoes and sour cream, while your mind can hold memories, online passwords, lame knock knock jokes, dialogue from Star Wars movies and horrifying images of celebrities in bikinis.

The seasoned beef is like the muscles on your body, because the beef is technically muscle from a cow. The zesty nacho cheese sauce is like your soul, because when you pass on your soul will still be around and when you pass gas the nacho cheese sauce smell will still be around. The tomatoes represent your heart, because just like your heart, tomatoes are red as well. Finally, the sour cream is your experiences. Your bad experiences are the sour part, while your good experiences are the creamy part.

All that stuff put together makes you and who you are, and unless you’re an asshole, it’s a good thing.

Okay, those last few paragraphs sounded like I was high, but I was not. I think I’m just hungry, because one of these Taco Bell Zesty Nachos wasn’t enough to fill me up. I’ll admit that it was good and for a buck and a half I shouldn’t expect much, although for the rest of the United States, it costs only 99 cents.

Despite having the meal-like nutritional values of 470 calories, 32 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 40 mg cholesterol, 730 mg of sodium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of dietary fiber and 10 grams of protein, I think the Taco Bell Zesty Nachos make a much better snack than a meal.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Daniel for letting me know about the Taco Bell Zesty Nachos. Thanks to him, I think my trans fat intake is about to go up.)

Item: Taco Bell Zesty Nachos
Price: $1.49 (99 cents for the rest of the country)
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Tasty. Kind of cheap for me, but really cheap for the rest of the United States. Makes a great snack. Nachos are a metaphor for life. The human mind.
Cons: Small serving size and not filling, but kind of worth it for the price I paid. Messy. 1.5 grams of trans fat. Tara Reid or Courtney Love in a bikini. Nachos without a bunch of toppings. Being an asshole. Taco Bell prices on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

34 thoughts to “Taco Bell Zesty Nachos”

  1. TheSkinnyCook – Oooh, no rules!?! Just like the jungle!!!

    LaneO – I keep hearing Quinteros on Piikoi Street is a good Mexican place.

    justin – Also, R.I.P. Sam Kinison. I miss them both.

    Melis – And if you ever come to this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, I will take you to McDonald’s or Burger King or Taco Bell. 😉

    Webmiztris – Yes, the sogginess is a problem, but to overcome that, I don’t eat my nachos, I inhale them. This makes sure I get crunchy chips every time.

    jed – Um, maybe?

    Zadillo – As you know, I likes to keep it real.

    Noelle – Some people say it’s a gift. Some people say it’s a curse. And some people say it’s loneliness.

    stephanie – Poop in text is funny, as long as you don’t have to smell it.

  2. Aw, Mitch Hedberg. Rest in peace, man.

    Marvo, I think your site is one of the few places where people can see what fast food really looks like (on the internets, anyway). Good lord.

  3. Hm, I’d been thinking of picking these up for review but after looking at the picture, now I’m not so sure… though 99 cents is definitely cheap enough. But yeah it does suck that things are more expensive on your rock paradise.

  4. Seeing that note about “cheap for me but really cheap for the rest of the country” makes me wonder – is it ever irritating that you always have to pay more for everything? Does the wonderful climate compensate for the higher prices? I’m not trying to be snooty, it’s just something I’ve wondered about and you’re the only resident of Hawaii I know.

  5. I’m surprised someone in Hawaii hasn’t come up with SPAM Nachos. Wait, they probably have.

  6. Tristyn – Yet we still eat it. Mmm…Messy double cheeseburger.

    Bryan – Cheap Eats! Cheap Eats! Must review because it’s cheap! And it’s edible.

    Meredith – Nah, it doesn’t bother us. We’re used to it. But sometimes gas prices suck.

    Danette – It’s coming…before June. Because that’s when it expires.

    Noelegy – Oooh, spam nachos.

    TheSkinnyCook – But food fights are fun…when someone else cleans up.

  7. Dammit, I can’t have nachos any time soon because of this South Beach Diet I’m in.

    BTW, I had no idea that Nacho was a nickname for Ignacio. That explains why Jack Black’s character in “Nacho Libre” gave himself that wrestling nickname- because his name was Ignacio! Man, I learn something new everyday.

  8. …just a little fyi since im a manager at T.B…..its nacho cheese AND the creamy jalapeno sauce…mainly letting you know in case you want to try the spicy sauce on other items, or to leave it off and have just the nacho cheese! 🙂

  9. Just out of curiosity… How do these relate in size to like… Nachos Bell Grande…? Also, do they have the refried bean junk on them? I can’t really tell from any photos I’ve seen… :o)

  10. Holly – I haven’t had the Nachos Bell Grande in awhile, so I can’t compare, but I can’t tell you that there isn’t any refriend beans on these nachos.

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