REVIEW: Hot Chocolate Pop-Tarts

In college, my nickname was “Hot Chocolate.”

Well at least I wanted my nickname to be “Hot Chocolate,” but it didn’t catch on with anyone, despite my numerous attempts, like whenever I had to introduce myself in Japanese language class I would say, “Boku no namae wa Marubin desu. Dozo yoroshiku. Nikkunemu wa Hatto Chokurato desu.”

Or whenever someone introduced me at a party or I had to introduce myself in an English-speaking class, I would always say, “My name is Marvin, but all my friends call me “Hot Chocolate.”

That last part was a lie. Unfortunately, none of my friends called me “Hot Chocolate.”

I thought it would make a great nickname for me since I enjoy hot chocolate, listen regularly to the song “You Sexy Thing” by the British group Hot Chocolate, and have a habit of melting candy bars in my pants pockets.

It would’ve been a cool nickname if it caught on, but it didn’t, much like a bunch of fashion trends I tried to start in college, like bowties, bringing back the mullet hairstyle, and wearing jeans low to show off my ass crack whenever I sat down or squatted.

To this day, I’m not sure why I wasn’t able to get anyone to call me “Hot Chocolate.” Perhaps people didn’t know about my love of hot chocolate or perhaps it was that every time I said “Hot Chocolate,” I would say it in a high-pitched voice and then wrap my arms around myself in a B-boy pose.

I may not be able to get others to call me “Hot Chocolate,” but for some reason these new Hot Chocolate Pop-Tarts have no problem being called “Hot Chocolate,” despite not even tasting like hot chocolate and marshmallows like the picture on the box suggests.

Sure it’s got the words “hot chocolate” printed on its box, but when I put “Hot Chocolate” on one of those “Hello My Name Is” name tags, that didn’t even convince anyone to call me by my desired nickname. I thought about getting “Hot Chocolate” tattooed on one of my ass cheeks, but quickly realized the words on my ass would have a totally different meaning whenever I had to take a crap.

Despite not tasting like hot chocolate, the Hot Chocolate Pop-Tarts weren’t bad. They were chocolatey, but not hot chocolatey, and they weren’t as good as some of the other chocolatey Pop-Tarts I’ve reviewed. Speaking of other chocolatey flavors of Pop-Tarts, this one didn’t come with a recommendation to freeze them, but I did try them frozen and they were all right. Just like an Owen Wilson cameo in a Luke Wilson movie, or visa versa, freezing it didn’t make a difference at all.

Each Hot Chocolate Pop-Tart has 200 calories, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, zero grams of trans fat, 200 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of carbs, less than one gram of fiber, 18 grams of sugar, two grams of protein, 50 milligrams of mediocrity, and a variety of vitamins and minerals.

Now that I think about it, I’m actually glad that “Hot Chocolate” didn’t stick as my nickname, because I now have a new nickname that I’d like to be called. I think I’m going to try to get people to call me “The Pocket Rocket,” because of my love of cargo pants and my fascination with NASA.

Item: Hot Chocolate Pop-Tarts
Price: $3.39
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Sweet. Chocolatey. Vitamins and minerals. Hot chocolate the drink. The song “You Sexy Thing” by Hot Chocolate. Didn’t get that Hot Chocolate tattoo on my ass.
Cons: No one wanted to call me “Hot Chocolate.” Doesn’t really taste like hot chocolate. Freezing it doesn’t do anything for it. Melted candy bars in my pocket. My excessive use of quotation marks in this review. None of the fashion trends I tried to start in college caught on, especially showing off my ass crack.

28 thoughts to “REVIEW: Hot Chocolate Pop-Tarts”

  1. I’ve started eating Strawberry Pop Tarts lately.

    I tried to get kids to call me Strawberry Girl as a nickname when I was a kid. Sadly I never quite shook the other names they chose to call me.

  2. Marvo, from now one you’ll be the Hot Chocolate Pocket Rocket to me. Because it sounds slightly messy and sexy, which is how you strike me, too. Not that you strike me, you’re not that kind of guy, right?

  3. I too, grew up too poor to be able to be able to eat Pop Tarts with any regularity. Which is why I find myself coveting them even though I’m disappointed with them everytime I eat them (and trust me, it is very, very RARE that I’m disappointed with food). And this is why this is Marvo’s the Hot Chocolate Pocket Rocket’s (nice Melanie!)review blog and not Josie’s. Because if it was, every single edible product review would simply read “Yummy. Yummy. Want more. 5 out of 5.”

  4. If you introduced yourself as hot chocolate then I would think to myself “does that mean he shits in his pants a lot?” but I’m a prick sometimes. My name is Jodi so I wanted to have the nickname Jo-Jo in college but I never went so it definitely didn’t stick. Every once in a while I still say “hey I am Jo-Jo the po-ta-to”

  5. Abby – I don’t know what would’ve happened to me if I didn’t get sugar in the morning. I probably would’ve flunked a few grades, but I would probably wouldn’t have been husky.

    Melis – If you won’t eat them, that means more for us. 🙂

    cybele – So what were the other names they called you, just in case I want to call you names. 😉

    Melanie – I wouldn’t strike a woman, but I would pay one to slap me around.

    Josie – I know how I could get you to like Pop-Tarts, but it will probably add five pounds. Just get two chocolatey Pop-Tarts and some vanilla ice cream. Plop some vaniila ice cream on one of the Pop-Tarts and then put the other one on top of it and voila, Pop-Tart Ice Cream sandwich.

    Goob – Either that or I really love fondue.

    Tamara – Toasty deliciousness!!!

  6. I’ve had friends that were able to semi-self-select the nicknames of “Hot Pot” and “Hot Pocket,” due to their favored cooking instrument and lunch food, respectively. Both were female, don’t know if women are more indulgent about letting their friends say “I kinda want this nickname” and actually using it, or what. But, a girl on my hall in college said in freshman orientation that she had always wanted the nickname JoJo, as she was a Jane and hated being “plain Jane,” and so we gave it to her.

    In general, though, I don’t think nicknames that are significantly longer than what they’re trying to replace have any chance of sticking.

    The big boxes of Pop-Tarts are on sale this week around these parts, had been meaning to ask the man which flavors he prefers. Apparently, we’re both S’mores and Brown Sugar people. Good to know. But, based on the strength of your review for the Hot Fudge Sundae, and trust you’ve inspired from the quality of your reviews over the years, I may have to get one of the big boxes of those, w/o first trying the small box.

  7. Djinna – Honestly, none of my friends call me Marvo. Although I did have a friend in high school call me Marvoot.

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