Diet Coke Plus

Briiiing. Briiiing.

Hello.

Oh, it’s for you Diet Coke Plus. It’s the 1990s and it wants the color teal back for its prom dresses and expansion professional sports teams, like the Florida Marlins (1993), Jacksonville Jaguars (1995), and San Jose Sharks (1991).

Did someone make teal the new black this season and not tell me? Because in the late 1990s I bought a multiple-discounted pair of teal Tommy Hilfiger jeans from a red tag clearance rack for only $3.99 and I drank enough Coke over the years to finally fit into them. Seriously Coke, if you’re trying to restart the teal trend, I think you picked the wrong color. Although, you could’ve picked teal’s depressing greenish color cousin seafoam, which doesn’t look good on bridesmaid’s dresses or actual seafoam.

Briiiing. Briiiing.

Moshi moshi.

Again, it’s for you Diet Coke Plus. It’s plus-sized people and they know the “Plus” in your name is there only because of the 15% Niacin, 15% Vitamin B6, 15% Vitamin B12, 10% Magnesium, and 10% Zinc of your daily allowances per serving added to you that isn’t found in regular Diet Coke, but they want to let you know that using the word “plus” to market a product to plus-sized people might not work. It’s like how adding the name Kim Kardashian to the words “sex tape” won’t help sell many of the sex tapes.

Who’s Kim Kardashian? Exactly.

Oh yeah, the plus-sized people also want to let you know that they always voted for Sanjaya on American Idol.

Briiiing. Briiiing.

Hola.

Okay. Diet Coke Plus, you seriously need to get your own cell phone. Anyway, it’s my tongue and it wants to know why your older sister Diet Coke tastes like metal playground equipment, while you taste like Diet Coke but a little bit better, a little more tolerable, and with a much better aftertaste? In other words, if Helen Keller drank Diet Coke, I’m pretty sure she would be totally pissed off because to her the taste would probably feel like she lost another one of her senses, but I don’t think you would piss her off that much.

I’m not sure if the vitamins and minerals added made you taste better, Diet Coke Plus, but since you have those vitamins and minerals, taste slightly better, and have the same zero calorie, zero fat, low sodium content as Diet Coke, I think I’ll pick you to drink when I become plus-sized.

(Editor’s Note: Lord Jezo beats me again to a hot product. Also, for more diet reviews, visit IAteAPie.net.)

Item: Diet Coke Plus
Price: 99 cents (20 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Tastes slightly better than regular Diet Coke. Has vitamins and minerals added that’s not found in regular Diet Coke. Fat free. Zero calories. Some caffeine. Wearing teal in the 1990s.
Cons: It tastes like a diet soda. Kim Kardashian sex tape. Pissing off Helen Keller. My multiple-discounted pair of teal jeans. Diet Coke Plus needs its own phone. Seafoam. Sanjaya not winning American Idol.

39 thoughts on “Diet Coke Plus

  1. I feel the color is turquoise rather than teal. I almost tried this but the bottles weren’t very cold. My love for Diet Coke must be that I must also love the taste of metal playground equiptment and didn’t know it.
    Will you be reviewing Diet Pepsi, who claims to have a more “cola” taste?

  2. I tried this! It does taste better than diet coke, but I agree with megan, it tastes like there is fruit in it or something. Damn straight. I think the cap looks teal to me, but in my cans, they looked kinda just in between teal and powder blue, leaning a bit more towards powder blue.

  3. this is nothing new. remember 7-up plus?
    They should bottle diet coke and bacardi, until then I will stick with water for my calorie free beverage.

  4. LaneO – I’ll only review diet soda I’ll probably review from Pepsi is Diet Crystal Vanilla Pepsi — whenever they make it.

    Melanie – If only the word diet didn’t contain the word “die” maybe it would taste better.

    Hunter – Okay, at least the cap is teal. I can live with that and it proves that my color vision isn’t going crazy. :-)

    nicole – Diet Coke and Bacardi? It would be like bottling up peanut butter and jelly in the same bottle.

    Ace N. – Coke can dissolve teeth and Flinstones vitamins. That’s some powerful shit.

  5. You narrow minded egotist. Who cares about the color? Overall, it’s an improvement, I know. Hence, no problem. To insist it is only of interest to plus sizes reveals a limited perspective as well as other, less mentionable, personal problems on your part. There are many who enjoy such drinks, period. Thank God you’re not on the deciding committees.

  6. zan – Actually, I am on a deciding committee and we just had an emergency meeting. We decided that you probably aren’t a regular reader, you think inside the box, you kill plants, you have no sense of humor and you should go see the Wizard of Oz for a funny bone or a heart that is not black.

  7. Great response to zan Marvo! BTW, if you ever need any honorary deciding committee members, I’ll be happy to serve, as long as you provide free beer.

  8. Laughing my arse off at this review. i totally saw this advertised the other day here in SD and i totally gotta try it now… funny shtuff, kid.

  9. K – Hi K! You should try it. I think everyone should try almost everything once in their life. The next thing I’m going to try? Eat McDonald’s for 30 days straight or go vegetarian for 30 days straight.

  10. Hi Marvo!

    My boyfriend and I were road-tripping home from Memphis yesterday and he bought me this. I loved it, even though I was initially put off by the label. I thought it would taste gimmicky and fake. Speaking of which, he also bought us Hooters energy drinks (regular for him and lite for me.) Everything went fine until he said he needed time alone with the “cans” of orangey goodness…

  11. Eryn – HOLY. CRAP. Did you say Hooters Energy Drink? I haven’t been this exciting about an energy drink since Cocaine Energy Drink.

  12. That Kim video was the worst. It was over produced, had a friggen sound track, and had no pay out at the end.

    Biggest let down in “leaked” videos in a long time.

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