REVIEW: Carl’s Jr. Teriyaki Burger

If the new Carl’s Jr. Teriyaki Burger — which contains a grilled slice of Dole pineapple — becomes really popular, I fear that a particular sponge that lives in a pineapple under the sea might not have a home to return to.

After trying the Carl’s Jr. Teriyaki Burger, I think SpongeBob SquarePants might just lose his home, because it’s a surprisingly good burger, which may cause the demand for pineapples to go up. Sure, it may not look very good in the picture above, but you know what they say, “Never judge a burger by the immigrant or high-school-aged minimum wage worker who made it.”

Despite how good it is, I can’t let SpongeBob lose his home, because if he has no home, he might end up coming out of the water and eventually find his way to my apartment on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

That would be totally uncool.

A visit from SpongeBob is just like a visit from your extremely racist grandma or non-deodorant wearing European cousin who sweats like a pig. After a little while, you REALLY want them to go.

I can just imagine what it would be like living with him. Sure, it would be fine if SpongeBob just sat quietly in front of the TV and watched the Food Network all day, but just like a drunk Mel Gibson, it’s hard for SpongeBob to not open his mouth and say something irritating or offensive. I think I’d also be irritated by his obnoxious voice or his laugh and I’m afraid of conversations that will go like this:

Marvo: I just bought a bag of chips, do you know where it is? I know you know, you spineless, leeching prick, because there are chip crumbs around your mouth.

SpongeBob: Those chips are apparently on your shoulder and not in my stomach. Daaaa! Daaaa! Daaaa!

He also seems like a messy kind of guy. I don’t want him to be leaving his SquarePants wherever he wants and I hope he doesn’t leave his underwear strewn all over the place, because I’m not touching his SquareTightyWhiteys or SquareThong.

Anyway, along with the grilled slice of pineapple, the Carl’s Jr. Teriyaki Burger also consists of a charbroiled all-beef patty, teriyaki sauce, swiss cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, sliced red onions, and mayonnaise, all in between a sesame seed bun. The idea of having a pineapple in a burger does sound disgusting, and I originally thought so too, but after trying the Carl’s Jr. Teriyaki Burger I found that the pineapple actually enhances the decent teriyaki sauce, giving it a good sweet and salty flavor.

With 660 calories, 61 grams of carbs, 34 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 80 milligrams of cholesterol and 1,070 milligrams of sodium, it’s a burger I don’t see myself eating on a daily basis, unless I’m trying to win the role of that fat fuck Sir John Falstaff in the community Shakespeare theater production of Henry IV.

The Carl’s Jr. Teriyaki Burger is a little pricey and isn’t available throughout the country, so there probably won’t be a pineapple shortage anytime soon. However, if SpongeBob does end up at my apartment and irritates me, I’m definitely going to use his absorbent, yellow, porous ass to clean my kitchen counter with lots of elbow grease and Ajax.

(Editor’s Note: Phoood also enjoyed it. Read their review here.)

Item: Carl’s Jr. Teriyaki Burger
Price: $6.29 (regular-sized meal)
Purchased at: Carl’s Jr.
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Surprisingly good burger. Pineapple and teriyaki sauce make a good sweet and salty combination. Lots of protein. Creative idea.
Cons: Small pineapple slice. Pricey, but isn’t everything from Carl’s Jr. Messy to eat. Lots of sodium. Lots of things that will make you fat. Living with SpongeBob SquarePants. Not available at sister company Hardee’s. Visits from your extremely racist grandma. SquareThong.

26 thoughts on “REVIEW: Carl’s Jr. Teriyaki Burger

  1. I first encountered pineapple on a burger at Kua ‘Aina and I was an immediate convert. My husband however refuses to consider it as it breaks his no-sweet-with-savory rule. He is also very much against pineapple on pizzas.

  2. You know, the burger itself looks kind of square in your picture. I was thinking that even before I got to the SpongeBob reference in your review. Do you think he’s having an influence on Carl’s Jr. burger creators even now?

  3. If SpongeBob lived with you, you’d have that asshole starfish, Patrick, stopping by all the time and breaking your stuff. That guy’s a dick.

  4. Something must be wrong with me, because despite that horrorshow of a picture I kinda want to try one.

  5. At the dining hall one week, the burger special was a Hawaiian Burger. It was a beef patty, swiss, slice of SPAM, slice of grilled pineapple, and teriyaki sauce.

  6. It’s okay, submerged pineapples don’t make good food (very salty you know), so SS’s home will be untouched by fast food conglomerates.

  7. Melbatoast – After going to a Pizza Hut lunch buffet and all that was left was a pineapple and ham pizza, I acquired a taste for pineapples on pizzas.

    Lord Jezo – No, we have legal Filipinos and other Southeast Asians.

    Chuck – If there were holes in the burgers, then you probably might be on to something. 🙂

    webmiztris – Brave? No, I’m not brave. I just enjoy sticking things in my mouth…Oh wait, that did quite sound right.

    Chewy – Oh crap. Patrick would definitely make things worse, but if Squidward came, I think he would be bringing tranny prostitutes to my place every night.

    ultradave – It’s the pineapple. You can’t resist the exotic pineapple.

    Frenchman – That actually sounded kind of good, except for the SPAM part. I like SPAM, but I don’t know about it being in a burger.

    kevin – If there’s one thing I’ve learned about fast food restaurants, it’s that they will use ANYTHING in their food. Case in point…Chicken McNuggets.

  8. I saw a commercial for this over the weekend. A surfer guy in a jeep was munching on it. I can’t quite come to terms with pineapple on a beef patty. I doubt it’s offered in any sort of arid climate anyhow.

  9. Tamara – If you saw the prices of their burgers, you might be a little less tempted.

    Buffy – Yes, I doubt it’s offered in the Sahara Desert or in between in dry, barren land in between Paris Hilton’s ears.

  10. Is that mayo on that burger, with pineapple? I love pineapple on pizza…but this combination is slightly horrifying to me.

  11. I have never wanted to try something so fugly in all my life. Honestly, I’ve never wanted to try something from Carl’s Jr. They seem scary and I am confused about the Hardee’s affiliation (which is also scary).

    I don’t eat pineapple on my pizzas but that’s only because they are normally accompanied by Canadian bacon (yuck!). I might give pineapple on a burger a try (without the mayo).

  12. Spongebob always sounded a little…slow to me. Or was that Patrick?

    Take off the mayo and the sesame seeds and I’d try this. If I could get one, that is.

  13. My friends and I we’re discussing this very topic the other night, but it involved the Banzai burger from Red Robin. Apparently the two are pretty much the same, with the exception that the Banzai has cheddar instead of swiss and costs a bit more. I’m not usually a fan of fruity with meat, even though sweet with meat (i.e. teriyaki)is allowable. My friends swear by this burger, where I’m a little more partial to a burger I had at a local joint with a habanero sauce and fresh jalapeños on top. Mmmm…

  14. Hunter – It definitely tastes awesome.

    Diana – There’s mayo, but the white stuff in the picture is cheese. If if was mayo, that was the chewiest mayo ever.

    Steve – Yes, I know.

    L Boogie – I don’t even know why there’s mayo on this burger. I don’t think it makes a difference with taste, but it does make a difference in fat content.

    Angel H. – If McDonald’s came out with the Hula Burger again, I would be the first in line to try one.

    Brie – Patrick is slower. I’m surprise he hasn’t gotten eaten by a shark.

    Mad Cow – Habanero sauce AND fresh Jalapenos. Oooh, that sounds good. Mmmm…

  15. shinie – SpongeBob tries to be loved by everyone, but sometimes he just rubs people the wrong way with his yellow porous body.

  16. Nasty, nasty, nasty stuff! Instead of the Teriyaki Burger, Carl’s should’ve named it TheresAYucky Burger.

    Nice concept, bad execution. Their long standing of introducting good burgers just ended… anyways, a 15-1 run ain’t that bad. I just hope this burger gets canned like the pineapple that was on the burger.

  17. Mean Black Loca – They already have a Six Dollar Burger, but I’d like to see them come out with a Twenty Dollar Burger. I’d buy that once, but so would hundreds of other people.

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