Just like the disparity of women in the corporate world, there is an equal disparity with the number of energy drinks for women. I could grab an M-80 firecracker, light it, let it blow up in my hand, and still have more than enough fingers to count the number of energy drinks I know of that are marketed to women. There’s Tab Energy, Go Girl Energy, and now the Del Monte Bloom Energy Drink.

It comes in three flavors: mango passionfruit, wild berry, and cran raspberry. Bloom Energy consists of 50% fruit juice and provides 100% of your daily allowances of Vitamin C, Riboflavin, Vitamin B12, and Vitamin B6. Each can also contains antioxidants, a little calcium, ginseng, and 75 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine from white tea.

If Del Monte is smart they would make sure that Paris Hilton DOESN’T have one of these in her hands when she comes out of jail, because as I’ve my friend’s have seen from her sex tape, she doesn’t know how to handle long, hard objects very well.

[Via:] The Morning Cup
[Site:] www.drinkbloomenergy.com

Yo mama is so skinny that when she walks into a Curves all the ladies give her a look that says, “What the fuck you doin’ in here skinny bitch?!?”

Ever since I’ve started using Smart Mouth mouthwash, my ability to produce quality Yo Mama snaps has significantly gone down. You would think with a name like Smart Mouth it would actually improve my Yo Mama insults, but unfortunately that’s not the case.

Instead I’ve been spitting out Yo Mama compliments and I’ve been losing Yo Mama battles with friends, family, co-workers, and random little kids on the playground. How am I supposed to prove how bad ass I am when I’m coming up with lines like:

Yo mama is so beautiful that when she’s at a beach in her bikini all the creepy voyeuristic photographers there only pay attention to her.

This is not helping my street cred or my chances of getting on the MTV show Yo Mamma. I would stop using the Smart Mouth mouthwash to get my Yo Mama snaps quality back to normal, but it actually does a very good job of freshening breath with its “Clinically Proven Zinc Ion Technology.”

Maybe if I think really hard and put a constipated looked on my face to make me look like I’m thinking hard, I might just be able to come up with a decent Yo Mama insult.

Yo mama’s breath smells so good that I totally want to invade her personal space, marry her, and eventually adopt you.

Damn!

Smart Mouth works much like the chemical bomb in the movie “Die Hard with a Vengeance,” which involves two separate liquids that are pretty much harmless individually, but when mixed together they can do some damage.

Each box of Smart Mouth mouthwash contains two separate solution pump bottles and a mixing cup. According to the box, mix four pumps from each bottle of solution into the mixing cup. Then rinse vigorously with the mild, minty mixture for 30-60 seconds, gargle and spit out. Repeat every morning and night.

Of course, those 30-60 seconds do increase the time of my morning ritual.

The box also did say it contained a 15 day supply, but just like a Sting tantric sex romp, it surprisingly lasted longer than expected. The 8-ounce bottles provided enough solution for four weeks of me vigorously rinsing every morning and night. If it did only last 15 days, the $12.49 I spent on it wouldn’t have been worth it. Although, now that I think about it, it’s still kind of pricey for a four week supply, since a year’s worth will be about $150.

I guess I could go back to selling my body to pleasure middle-aged female Japanese tourists to pay for it, but that might take awhile, since I’m a very cheap male prostitute.

The Smart Mouth mouthwash did freshen my breath and make me feel more confident about myself. Smart Mouth also claims their mouthwash can help with morning breath and thanks to my hot hairstylist and an early morning appointment, I found out that it did help, but not completely, which slightly irritated my hot hairstylist, who did not expect me to come to my appointment without brushing my teeth.

Beside my inability to come up with Yo Mama insults, the Smart Mouth mouthwash temporarily made my mouth feel dry, but that’s probably the “Clinically Proven Zinc Ion Technology” doing its job. But perhaps it’s doing its job a little too well, affecting my Yo Mama abilities.

Yo mama is so young that every time she buys wine, the cashier has to card her, gets surprised by her age, and then asks her what’s her secret to looking so young.

Nope, that sucked!

Yo mama is so smart that after winning a million dollars on the game show Who Wants to be a Millionaire, she decided to get a master’s in business administration and go to law school at the same time.

Damn you, “Clinically Proven Zinc Ion Technology!”

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Domokun for letting me know about Smart Mouth last year. Thanks to Melissa for reminding me about Smart Mouth this year.)

Item: Smart Mouth Mouthwash
Price: $12.49
Purchased at: The-Superstore-Behemoth-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Helps freshen breath. Kind of helps with morning breath. Mixture is mild, since it’s alcohol-free. Bottles lasted significantly longer than what was said on the box.
Cons: Pricey. Possibly having to sell my body to pay for it. Caused me to lose my ability to come up with Yo Mama insults. Increases the length of my morning ritual. Hurts my street cred.

I think Kona Deep Water has the same name as a porn I’ve either owned, watched, rented, or downloaded via BitTorrent.

Just to make sure, I’m going to see if I have it in my walk-in porn closet. I knew alphabetizing my collection would come in handy one day.

Oh wait, no pun intended.

So let’s see now. 2 Deep, 2 Deep 2, Ass Deep, Ass Deep 2, Balls Deep, Balls Deep 2, Balls Deep 3, Balls Deep 4, Balls Deep 5, Balls Deep 6, Balls Deep 7, Balls Deep in the Orient, Best of Deep Throat, Big Deep Throat Girls, Deep Anal, Deep and Wet, Deep Black Ass, Deep Black Ass 2, Deep Cheeks, Deep Cheeks 2, Deep Cheeks 3, Deep Chill, Deep Crack College (got this one via a buy four get one free sale), Deep Dark Sex Secrets, Deep Desire, Deep Desires, Deep Dildos, Deep Dippin Anal Babes, Deep Dish Booty Pie, Deep Dripping Cream Pies, Deep Face, Deep Heat, Deep In Cream, Deep In Cream 8…Next shelf.

Deep in the Booty, Deep in the Chunk, Deep in the Hole, Deep in the Muff, Deep in the Trunk, Deep in the Woods, Deep Indulgence, Deep Inside, Deep Inside Again, Deep Inside Asia Carrera (best pornstar ever), Deep Inside Dirty Debutantes 1, Deep Inside Dirty Debutantes 10, Deep Inside Dirty Debutantes 14, Deep Inside Dirty Debutantes 15 (dirtiest in the series), Deep Inside Dirty Debutantes 32, Deep Inside Dirty Debutantes 37 (best in the series), Deep Inside Dirty Debutantes 38, Deep Inside Dirty Debutantes 40, Deep Inside Granny…Next shelf.

Deep Inside Him (WTF is that doing here?), Deep Inside Jenna, Deep Into Tight Blonde Bottoms, Deep on the Dick, Deep Oral Ladies, Deep Oral Teens, Deep Penetration, Deep Pink, Deep Plunge, Deep Rub, Deep Throat (classic), Deep Throat 3, Deep Throat 4, Deep Throat Anal, Deep Throat Fantasies, Deep Throat Girls, Deep Throat Grannie, Deep Throat Pros, Deep Throat Sluts, Deep Throat This, Deep Throat This 20, Deep Throat This 35…Next shelf.

Deep Throatin’ Black Freaks, Deep Trouble, Deep Throat Virgins (sadly, all the actresses in it seemed to be quite adept at deep throating), Deep Tush, Down Deep, Fast Times at Deep Crack High 2, Fast Times at Deep Crack High 3, Fast Times at Deep Crack High 4 (got it via a buy two Fast Times at Deep Crack High DVDs and get one free), Goin’ Deep, Hard and Deep, Hittin’ It Deep, Never So Deep, Newcummers N 2 Deep, She Takes It Deep, Skin Deep, Stick It In Deep and Watch Her Weep, Supa Deep, We Go Deep, We Go Deep 2, and We Go Deep 3.

Nope, no Kona Deep. I guess I was either mistaken or I truly haven’t watched all the porn in the world.

Oh, I wonder if it’s in my VHS tape porn collection in storage?

Anyway, the Kona Deep Water come from the Kona Coast, the same place as the previously TIB reviewed Koyo Deep Sea Water. Deep sea water is popular in Japan due to the water being rich in electrolytes and nutrients, which probably won’t make a difference if you drink it once in awhile. At $1.99 a bottle, it’s a water that most people can only afford to drink once in awhile.

According to the bottle, the source of Kona Deep is pumped in from a depth of 3,000 feet and it is, “the pristine, ice-cold water from glaciers off the coast of Greenland that sand deep into the ocean thousands of years ago, settling into an undersea current known as the Global Conveyor Belt. This ancient, deep seawater slowly and continuously journeys the world from the North Atlantic to the remote Hawaiian Archipelago.”

If you’ve had bottled water in your life, you’ve probably tasting something close to what Kona Deep water tastes like. Just like how non-Asians think all Asian look alike, I really can’t tell any significant differences between bottled spring water and bottled deep sea water. It doesn’t even have a salty taste. They taste pretty much the same, although I will admit the deep sea water does go down a little smoother. Although, I really don’t mind if the water I drink goes down a little hard.

Speaking of going down hard, my walk-in porn closet seems to be missing my DVD of Going Down Hard.

Item: Kona Deep Water
Price: $1.99 (16.9 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Tastes like filtered bottled water but smoother. Rich in electrolytes and nutrients. Zero calories. Zero fat. Not salty. Deep Throat is a classic. My walk-in porn closet.
Cons: It’s not a porn title. Can’t notice a significant difference between regular bottled water and deep sea water. More expensive than Evian. 3000 feet is deep. 3000 inches is also deep. Hiding my walk-in porn closet.

Today, The Impulsive Buy is going through a little change. Don’t worry, TIB is keeping its balls.

All of you come here to read product reviews and to occasionally find out if I’ve gotten laid, which by the way, I’m still working on.

Every month, I try a variety of products, but not all of them get reviewed. I also see a lot of new products on the shelves that I’d like to pick up, but never end up buying due to lack of money or because it would seem weird to buy the new Playtex Sport Tampon when I personally can’t do a thorough review of it due to being short one orifice.

So I’ve decided to not only do product reviews, but to also branch out into product news, letting you readers know about the latest products out there in the typical TIB style. The posts won’t be very long, but hopefully there will be several posts every week, because there is a shitload of products out there that you may or may not know about, like the new Playtex Sport Tampon.

The products in these news posts may or may not be reviewed later on, but the whole point of the post is to let you know about it, because some of you out there might be looking for a sport tampon with 360 degrees of coverage, which is perfect for game time or any time.

Many of you contribute to TIB in a variety of ways, like leaving a comment, participating in prize drawings, suggesting products to review, and asking me if I can help with your school project, which allows me to relive my college years vicariously through you. Now that TIB is moving into the news territory, all of you can help TIB and your fellow readers by letting me know about the new products you see out in stores.

So look for these new news posts starting this week and remember, there’s a new Playtex Sport Tampon.

Like all drugs, caffeine has side effects.

For myself, the only side effects I get from caffeine are temporary high blood pressure, stomach aches, and the urge to run down the street yelling random things about indie bands like, “Listening to Belle & Sebastian does not make me a pussy!”

Caffeine’s side effects are much less harsh than other legal drugs. I don’t think you can get any of the following side effects from caffeine: 4-hour erections, mood swings, irregular periods, dry mouth, diarrhea, sleepiness, nausea, unnatural happiness, premature ejaculation, headaches, weight gain, weight loss, loss of libido, loss of hair, growth of hair in unusual places, erectile dysfunction, insomnia, loss of appetite, dry skin, shortness of breath, and laughing while watching According to Jim.

The majority of my caffeine intake comes in the form of energy drinks and the majority of my sugar intake comes in the form of Slurpees, so I was happy to hear about the new Full Throttle Frozen Fury Slurpee, which takes two of my favorite things I like to stick in my mouth — energy drinks and Slurpees — and puts them together in a slushy form that looks refreshingly fun in the hands of a 12-year-old, but embarrassingly creepy and sad in the hands of a single 31-year-old male.

Of course, with it being a combination of energy drink and Slurpee, its main appeal are the energy ingredients found in it. As common as product shout outs in rap lyrics, the energy ingredients found in the Full Throttle Frozen Fury Slurpee are the same ones in most energy drink, like caffeine, taurine, carnitine, ginseng, guarana, and sugar.

The 40-ounce cup I had contained 99 milligrams of caffeine, 19.7 milligrams of niacinamide, 1,659 milligrams of taurine, 40 milligrams of carnitine, 246 milligrams of ginseng extract, and 1.9 milligrams of guarana extract, which is roughly the same amounts as single servings of most energy drinks. It also contained 307 calories, 79 grams of carbs, and 79 grams of sugar.

Of course, the smaller the Slurpee cup you get, the less energy and chances of diabetes you’ll receive.

The Full Throttle Frozen Fury Slurpee had a sweet citrus taste with a hint of tropical fruit flavor. It wasn’t the best tasting Slurpee I’ve had, but it’s one the best tasting energy products I’ve had.

Although, it was really disappointing that despite drinking all 40 ounces of the energy-infused Slurpee, it didn’t kick my ass into gear like most energy drinks and Taebo tapes do. I did feel a boost of energy, but nothing like the ones I get from drinking regular energy drinks.

This disappointed me because I really felt like running though my office yelling, “Listening to Dashboard Confessional does not make me bitter or sad!”

Item: Full Throttle Frozen Fury Slurpee
Price: $1.49 (40 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Sweet citrus taste with a hint of tropical fruit flavor. One of the best tasting energy products I’ve had. Full of the same energy ingredients found in most energy drinks. Slight boost of energy. 4-hour erections at home.
Cons: Not enough energy to kick my ass into gear. Not the best Slurpee I’ve had. Only the 40-ounce cup has amounts of energy equal to most energy drinks. Lots of sugar. The caffeine side effect involving me yelling random things about indie bands like, “All Mates of State songs sound exactly like each other!” 4-hour erections at work.