Coca-Cola Vanilla Zero

Written by | June 17, 2007

Topics: 2 Rating, Beverage, Coke, Soda

Hi. Coca-Cola Vanilla Zero here, but you can call me Coke Vanilla Zero for short.

Ever since my cousin Coke Vanilla came back to store shelves, he’s been partying it up and acting like he’s the greatest thing since Diet Coke. But to be honest he’s more like New Coke. Anyway, when he came back, he brought me along with him, and I’m glad he did, but ever since, he’s dragged me to all the parties and nightclubs just to be his wingman

I hate being his wingman and I tell him that. I’d rather just stay at home, watch some HGTV, maybe a little Discovery Channel, while eating some popcorn and sipping on a Diet Pepsi. But somehow he guilts me into going by saying something like, “Our cousin, Coke with Lemon loved to be my wingman, and would be, if he were still alive.”

I loved Coke with Lemon and may he rest in peace in Discontinued Product Heaven, but he would do anything you told him to, because he was a fucking spineless moron. Maybe he fell one too many times at the bottling plant, I don’t know, but his bottle was half-empty, if you know what I mean. For example, just because he had lemon in him, he thought he was a frickin’ Sprite.

Anyway, back to my other moron cousin, Coke Vanilla.

Being his wingman is tough because he will usually choose the beautiful woman with either a friend that kind of looks like a 300-pound Lorena Bobbitt, a friend that has the personality of anything inanimate, or a scary looking friend who should have the words “cock block” tattooed on her forehead. I think he chooses these particular women with the crazy friends just to spite me.

I don’t even think I’m a good wingman. First off, I have nothing good to say about my cousin Coke Vanilla to make him seem appealing to women, unless I like my pants on fire, like a liar. Secondly, I have “Zero” in my name. Who’d want to talk to a guy with a last name like that, because it’s like having “Penis” as a last name. Sure, I have a decent body because I have no calories, no fat and no carbs, but that doesn’t matter because I don’t even taste very good and I get all nervous around women. There’s supposed to be vanilla in me, but I don’t even taste it. It’s like the line between vanilla flavor and the artificial sweetener taste is blurred with me.

Maybe my cousin Coke Vanilla is the better soda and maybe that’s the reason why he ends up with three Fantanas and I end up with the least attractive fourth Fantana, who also turned out to be crazy, needy, and for someone who dances a lot in the Fanta commercials, she sure doesn’t move much in bed. It’s like I’m doing it with a mannequin.

You know which one of the Fantanas I’m talking about.

Item: Coca-Cola Vanilla Zero
Price: 99 cents (20 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Zero calories. Zero fat. Zero carbs. Decent body. Getting three Fantanas.
Cons: Can’t taste the vanilla. Not very good tasting. Horrible wingman. Having “Penis” as a last name. Getting the crazy, least attractive Fantana. Cock blockers.






16 Comments For This Post I'd Love to Hear Yours!

  1. Chuck says:

    Vanilla Zero, huh? Maybe they should have tried to get an endorsement from Vanilla Ice to promote it.

  2. edman0037 says:

    I second what Chuck said. I was thinking that from almost the beginning of the review.

  3. nicole says:

    I think coke vanilla zero is way hotter than coke vanilla… even though Diet coke vanilla does taste like shit, it doesnt matter because inner beauty wont get you laid…..tell that to his fat ass cousin haha..
    Fantas are NOT hot. They dont even come in diet….except i think diet orange?

  4. Domokun says:

    Best review for me this year–had me snorting. Could feel Zero’s frothy bitterness and hate right in my gut.

    Sure hope that, like you and your assistant, Zero the Hero gets some quality peech. Someday.

  5. megan says:

    I do not know what is happening to coke!!!! they are ruining themselves with all this crap they are producing stick to what ya know that is what their arch nemsis does!

  6. Tickkid says:

    But… I like Vanilla Zero compared to other diet beverages. I can’t even select beverages correctly *sob*.
    Someone suggest a good one for me… I want to be cool.

  7. Clevegal42 says:

    I love the way that Coke is making all of their diet drinks “zero” – I damn near broke my foot when I kicked the machine when it spit out Cherry Coke Zero because that’s not what the sign said but then I realized that that is actually Diet Cherry Coke and then I was pissed all over again because I wanted regular Cerry Coke. Bastards.

    Anywho, I’m sure that I would find Vanilla Zero more interesting than Vanilla, but I’m also the friend that gets stuck with the wingman so I guess that I’m just accepting my lot in life.

  8. Tickkid says:

    ^^^—- my kind of lady

  9. Marvo says:

    Chuck – They want to sell more, not sell less. Also, kids today don’t know who Vanilla Ice is.

    edman0037 – Although now that I think about it, they could probably pay Vanilla Ice twenty bucks and he’ll do a commercial for them.

    nicole – “Inner beauty wont get you laid.” Oh, there is no hope for me.

    Domokun – Someday? I’m betting against that.

    megan – They should make unhealthier Coke, like Super Coke. It’s so sweet that it instantly destroys your teeth.

    Tickkid – Diet Pepsi Jazz are not bad, better than this Zero stuff.

    Clevegal42 – I think there are too many variations with Coke products. there’s Cherry Coke, Diet Cherry Coke, and Cherry Coke Zero. One wrong slip at the convenience store could mean the difference between refreshing cherry sweetness and WTF is this.

  10. LaneO says:

    Not much of a vanilla taste? Maybe it’s truth in advertising, it does say “vanilla zero”. And you are so correct in too many variations, I once grabbed the wrong bottle in haste and didn’t notice the yellow “dynamic ribbon” of vanilla diet coke.

  11. Melbatoast says:

    I’m a sucker for trying new drinks but I was sufficiently unimpressed with Coke Zero so I don’t think I’ll be trying his Vanilla brother. Have you tried the new Pepsi “Ice Cucumber” cola? It’s mad scientist green! And it’s guaranteed to have absolutely no cucumber in it! I think it possibly used up all the sugar that should have gone into the Coke Zero drink line-up though.

  12. webmiztris says:

    I can’t stand any of the flavored colas. blech! i love vanilla but when it’s in Coke, it’s all I taste and it’s sickening. and the lemon Coke tasted like Pledge!!

  13. Abi says:

    What’s maddening is that these ‘zero’ products are starting to replace ‘diet’ products in vending machines. They are not the same thing vending machine decision making people! ARgh.

  14. Marvo says:

    LaneO – I’m waiting for Xtreme Coke Vanilla, a soda that’s twice as bad as normal Coke. Basically, it’s vanilla flavored sugar in a bottle.

    Melbatoast – I wish I could try the Pepsi “Ice Cucumber.” Wanna ship me some?

    webmiztris – At the 7-11 down the street you can add flavors like vanilla, lemon, and cherry to the Big Gulp sodas and they taste much better than what’s in the bottle because you can add as much flavor as you want.

    Abi – I say you put Post It notes on the vending machine expressing your disapproval. Or mug the person who fills the vending machine and tell them to put only the diet stuff in.

  15. Melbatoast says:

    Anytime, I just need an address – I don’t think it would work if I poured it into my computer.

  16. Dominick says:

    hooray 4 coke vanilla zero! i tried some today and it rawks.