Mocha BK JOE Iced Coffee

I’m frickin’ tired of The King sneaking up on me.

Doesn’t he have anything better to do? He’s a king. Shouldn’t he be running a kingdom, causing oppression somewhere, or at least being a powerless figurehead? If I had a nickel for every time The King snuck up on me and offered something from the Burger King menu, I would be rich enough to buy a Big Mac.

It was really creepy at first having him randomly appear, but then it was nice having food delivered me and not having to worry about buying groceries. For breakfast, lunch, and dinner he’d just sneak up on me and present me with some form of BK sustenance. The King also knows when to show up for those times other than meals. For example, when I’m at work, I’ll walk out of my office intending to get something from the snack machine, but he’ll just pop out from around the corner and offer me something small like onion rings or a Whopper Jr.

There was this time when I was yawning at my desk and needed some caffeine. Then out of nowhere The King appeared with a Mocha BK JOE Iced Coffee. It’s basically coffee with chocolate syrup squirted in and poured over ice. The slightly creamy drink initially had a strong chocolate taste and then was followed by a weak coffee aftertaste that was probably weak because of the overpowering chocolate. With all that chocolate, it was good, but also a little too sweet for me.

But did it give me a boost of energy? Well, anything with 63 grams of sugar in it probably would.

There have also been times when he brought me food at inappropriate moments, like a Tendercrisp Chicken Sandwich while reading about Bird Flu in Taiwan and a Burger King Kids Meal while watching Dateline NBC’s To Catch A Predator.

After a few weeks, I got tired of eating Burger King and I gained ten pounds, but The King kept sneaking up on me. I asked him if he could bring me something a lot more healthier, but all he did was bring me a Whopper without mayonnaise. Eventually, I went grocery shopping so I could make my own healthy meals instead of eating Burger King food. Then whenever The King appeared and offered food, I’d tell him I already have something to eat. He would then drop his head in disappointment and walk away, but he’d still be smiling.

After several days of rejecting food from The King, things got really creepy.

One time when I woke up, he was frickin’ naked and standing over me. Let me tell you, it wasn’t fun looking at his little prince and two royal guards. That’s not the very first thing I want to see in the morning. Also, I just want to let you know that not only is his face plastic looking, so is everything else.

This other time, I woke up and caught him looking through my clothes hamper and sniffing my boxers. When he saw me awake, he tried to distract me by shoving a Croissan’wich in my face, while sticking a few worn boxers in his pocket. I don’t think that’s a smile of happiness he has on permanently, it’s a smile of guilt.

And I’m not even going to go into detail about the time he introduced me to what I thought was the new BK hot dog.

I’m not too sure what I’m going to do about The King, but he still sneaks up on me and attempts to serve me Burger King food. Maybe it’s about time I serve him a restraining order.

(Nutritional Facts: 380 calories, 10 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 290 milligrams of sodium, 66 grams of carbs, 63 grams of sugar, 1 gram dietary fiber, and 6 grams of protein.)

Item: Mocha BK JOE Iced Coffee
Price: $2.09 (22 ounces)
Purchased at: Burger King (or BK for you cool folks)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good. Chocolate syrup. Cold. Refreshing. The 63 grams of sugar it contains gave me a quick energy boost.
Cons: Not too much of a coffee flavor. A little too sweet. Having The King sneak up on you. Having The King wake up next to you naked. Having The King sniff your used underwear. Basically, The King is a total perv. The King’s permanent smile.

21 thoughts on “Mocha BK JOE Iced Coffee

  1. holy shit, that’s a lot of calories. I LOVE LOVE LOVE iced coffee but usually avoid it because of all the calories. that stuff is like crack and I don’t want THAT monkey on my back!

  2. your con is having the king wake up next to you naked??

    hmm. darn. there goes my fantasies of you two guys.

  3. Oh, thank God someone else thinks that dude is scary. I hate him, he terrifies me. Remember the King Kong themed commercials, when the woman was lying on her bed (eg Fay Wray) and she turns, and there’s a gargantuan Burger King outside her window, with that creepy fucking smile on his face? I’m sorry, but I just loathe him.

    Seriously, Marvo. If you wanna take him out, I’ve got no problem with that. I know people, if you get my meaning.

  4. DaDead – I drink milk everyday because Mr. T said so.

    Webmiztris – I’d really like a monkey on my back, so it can eat the chip on my shoulder.

    Mia – If Viagra or Valtrex gets a mascot, it believe that might be the worst mascot ever.

    Mallory – Are you included in the fantasy? 😉

    Hunter – Or I can suck down Crisco…even cheaper.

    bikerbabee – I don’t think his head would fit in one of those bags.

    Anonymous – He looks like he’s singing karaoke in that picture.

    Chuck – Maybe I’ll have Jack from Jack in the Box and Wendy from Wendy’s protect me.

    Brie – Maybe I’ll just find who’s next in line for the throne and come up with a plan to take out The King so they can take over.

  5. Ouch to much calories for me. Not healthy, I might as well make my own. Heck just make coffee ice cube and their you go.

  6. vel – But what if it was served to you by The King on a silver platter and then he massaged your feet? That would make you drink it, right?

  7. Do you think the King kind of bears a creepy resemblence to Morgan Spurlock? Hmmm…..maybe they’re brothers or something.

  8. Did you meet the king via eHarmony? Or did you woo him with your charms while cruising fast food joints?

    this post by the way, was brilliant

  9. I work at BK and our store sells 6-8 pitchers of this stuff a day. Like every 5 orders there is at least 1 Mocha Joe. It’s a drug and we got people addicted.

  10. Noelle – Naw, I couldn’t have met The King via eHarmony because they don’t allow royalty and peasant hookups.

    Alyssa – It was chocolicious.

    Matt – I could drink 6-8 pitchers of this stuff a day…I’d have diarrhea for a few days, but I could drink it all.

  11. BK Joe consists of:

    1/3 coffee
    2/3 milkshake mix (buttermilk)

    Then about chocolate syrup for a small shake

    So it’s really the buttermilk that makes it so creamy and sweet.

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