The night started off innocently enough. But then again, so did OJ Simpsonâ€™s acting career. I looked in the mirror and declared that I would stay cool. You donâ€™t want to do anything crazy at a Halloween party. You never know what can happen once you get going. Or what you will buy.
After hitting the dance floor, I soon found myself with a cute girl in a skimpy tiger costume. After adjusting her beer goggles with a few drinks, I decided to try out a few of my patented moves. I went for the Wisconsin Bulldog and the Orange Creamsicle, but had my hand knocked away when I went for the Magic Bullet. I briefly thought to myself, â€œDoes enjoying this make me a furry?â€ but then proceeded to get my groove on. I soon realized that I dance the same way I make loveâ€¦very, very awkwardly.
One thing led to another and I ended up in her place with a massive hangover. I had no idea about what had gone on since we were last on the dance floor.
â€œDid weâ€¦did we do it?â€ I asked, hoping that I totally did it with her.
â€œUhhâ€¦no,” she said. “Donâ€™t you remember? You said youâ€™d rather go shopping for food. Kept mumbling something about becoming god of all internet reviewers and the dancing queen.â€
â€œWell, that does sound like something Iâ€™d do,” I remarked. “But then why am I naked and handcuffed to the bed?â€
â€œIâ€™m not sure, I left you alone after we came back,” she answered.
Hmmâ€¦she had a point. That is how I sleep every night. But I wish she hadnâ€™t seen me like this. After I freed myself, I figured that I might as well raid the fridge. I needed something substantial to keep my head from throbbing. What I found was more than I was prepared to handleâ€¦
â€œOhâ€¦myâ€¦godâ€¦What the fuck is this?!â€ I asked.
â€œI donâ€™t know, I think you bought it,â€ she replied.
I stared at the box and slowly shook my head. Son of a bitch, I even hate myself when Iâ€™m on a drunken food purchase binge! I either secretly want to kill myself or have become such a diabolical genius that I went insane. This bowl was by far the scariest thing I had seen all weekend.
It was an unholy bowl of bacon, eggs, potatoes, and cheese — all mixed together so you can eat it like the failure that Jimmy Dean thinks you are. Did I mention that thereâ€™s a lot of fucking bacon in this thing? There’s like a ridiculous, enough-salt-to-melt-an-iceberg amount? I couldnâ€™t really imagine ingesting it, but I didnâ€™t have many options. It was either this or some ramen flavor packets that she had saved up. Seeing as it is Halloween season, I figured that I had a duty to myself and for the fine readers to indulge my morbid curiosity.
This bowl has no practical reason for existing other than as a product of a dare at some marketing department, so I tried to alleviate my fears by thinking the situation through. Iâ€™m sure it had to be quality tested. Some tasters actually had to survive long enough to give this thing the thumbs up. And at a mere 8 ounces, it didnâ€™t seem like much of a meal. It couldnâ€™t make me feel that bad, right? This was all before realizing that it would be healthier if I ate a tub of Crisco.
I eventually got around to microwaving this bad boy and watched it rotate for the full 3 minutes. By minute two, the air had been permeated by the nauseating scent of grease and cheese. I opened the plastic film to take in the beauty of the bowlâ€™s contents. Oh, did I say beauty? I meant brain-exploding hideousness. The cheese had ceased to resemble anything appetizing and clung to the eggs like melted plastic. The potatoes had the glossy shine of a mint condition baseball card. The eggs were essentially pieces of yellow Styrofoam tossed together with chopped bacon.
This is the breakfast that 8-year-old children cook for their mothersâ€™ birthdays. They fumble around in the kitchen, throw everything together, and then microwave the shit out of it so they can serve breakfast in bed. The mom will take two bites and make an exaggerated â€œmmmâ€¦â€ sound while vigorously rubbing her stomach. The child will then run off and laugh as she proceeds to dump the contents of the bowl in a trash can and begins to manually induce vomiting.
I tried a few bites. It was strange, but it wasnâ€™t completely awful. Salty, greasy, and stiff, but still kind of edible. Iâ€™ve probably had worse breakfasts. Iâ€™m not sure why Iâ€™d pay $2.99 for this when I could have a small, possibly mentally challenged child make me the same thing at a fraction of the cost. As I was trying to justify my purchase, however, I started to wonder why I was suddenly nauseous.
The back of the box had my answer. Hmmâ€¦33 grams of fat, 1490 mg of sodium, 132% of my daily cholesterol allowance. Why donâ€™t they include a complimentary vial of poison while theyâ€™re at it? And why exactly is an individual serving of a meal allowed to exceed 100% of something that can kill me? Well, at least it has 2 grams of fiber so I can stay regular after I collapse face first as I suffer a heart attack trying to walk down at set of stairs at school. Maybe Iâ€™ll wake up naked in a hospital bed with handcuffs on. That wonâ€™t be weird at all.
(Nutritional Facts – 1 Bowl – 520 calories, 33 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 395 mg of cholesterol, 1490mg sodium, 21 grams of carbs, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 30 grams of protein, 20% Vitamin A, 6% Vitamin C, 25% Calcium, and 15% Iron)
Item: Jimmy Dean Bacon Breakfast Bowl
Purchased at: Stater Brothers
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Not completely inedible. The possibility of getting laid at Halloween parties. When children are thoughtful even when they are incompetent.
Cons: Horrible mixture of horrible-for-you foods. Food gets overcooked and therefore stiff after microwave nuking. Enough cholesterol to kill you 1.32 times in a day. Not getting laid at Halloween parties. Waking up naked with handcuffs and not finding it unusual.