Nature Valley Roasted Nut Crunch Bars

Written by | November 14, 2007

Topics: 3 Rating, Food, Snacks

It’s been awhile since I’ve seen something shimmer like the Nature Valley Roasted Nut Crunch Bars. Its glistening reminds me of a sweaty, chiseled beefcake working on his fine, defined, Zeus-like body at Muscle Beach in a spandex bodysuit that hugs every hump and lump on him sexy, tantalizing, glowing sunbathing beauty with curves like a roller coaster in a very revealing Wicked Weasel bikini that leaves very little to the imagination covered in a seductive-smelling cocoa butter suntan lotion.

The Nature Valley Roasted Nut Crunch Bars consist of mostly nuts and its shine is probably from the same things that keep all those nuts together in bar form — corn syrup and sugar.

Speaking of ingredients, the number of ingredients for these nut bars are small, like the bow ties around the necks of attractive, well-oiled Chippendale dancers gyrating and thrusting their hips to the beat of dance music causing me to stare at their black spandex pants covered crotches a foxy Hooters Girl uniform that conforms around the voluptuous bodies in them causing their beautiful breasts in the tight white tank top to stretch out the word Hooters, making the owl’s eyes open wider and my eyes stare in a totally inappropriate way at the white spandex covered breasts as I order a platter of their famous Hooters Buffalo Wings.

Each of the two Nature Valley Roasted Nut Crunch Bar flavors have only six ingredients. The Peanut Crunch contains only peanuts, sunflower seeds, sugar, corn syrup, salt, and almond flour. The Almond Crunch consists of only almonds, peanuts, sunflower seeds, sugar, corn syrup, and salt.

If you read carefully over the ingredients, you probably noticed that the ingredients for both flavors are almost identical and because of this, both flavors also taste very similar. Each one tasted kind of like honey roasted peanuts, so if you blindfolded me and had a hunky, strong fireman gorgeous, curvy female flight attendant straddle me and feed me each flavor, I probably wouldn’t be able to tell them apart.

Because they’re made out of nuts, these bars have a good crunch to them, but because everything is being held together with just the tasty adhesives of corn syrup and sugar, they’re kind of fragile. So if I stick it in my fanny pack laptop messenger bag, it will probably break into several pieces as I walk from my car to the office. If it does break, be very careful when opening the foil packaging because nuts will drop.

Overall, I liked the Nature Valley Roasted Nut Crunch Bars. They’re tasty, contain healthy fats (polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats), and each bar has seven grams of protein, which helps if I want to build muscles without going on “the juice” so that I can perhaps one day be a sweaty, chiseled beefcake working on my fine, defined, Zeus-like body at Muscle Beach in a spandex bodysuit that hugs every hump and lump on me.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar (varies per flavor) – 190 to 200 calories, 12 to 14 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 0.5 to 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 10 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 to 180 milligrams of sodium, 11 to 14 grams of carbs, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 6 to 7 grams of sugar, 7 grams of protein, and more nuts than a NFL locker room.)

(Editor’s Note: Cheap Eats and The Message Whore also reviewed the Nature Valley Roasted Nut Crunch. which means I know of three pairs of nuts who reviewed these nuts.)

Item: Nature Valley Roasted Nut Crunch Bars
Price: FREE (Retails for $3.39)
Purchased at: Received from nice PR folks
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Tastes like honey roasted peanuts. Lots of nuts. Crunchy. Shiny. Seven grams of protein. Good fats. No ingredients with names I can’t pronounce. Wicked Weasel bikinis.
Cons: Fragile, like my ego. 200 calories per bar. Both flavors taste similar. Me in a spandex body suit. Fanny packs. Sexual harassment. The use of corn syrup as an adhesive.

20 Comments For This Post I'd Love to Hear Yours!

  1. Lord Jezo says:

    I demand pics of your Zeus like body in spandex at a muscle beach.

  2. Karen says:

    You don’t even need to be at a muscle beach. How about you do the microwave dance in your spandex body suit?

  3. bikerbabeee says:

    oh I am DOWN with the microwave dance in spandex.. sign me up for the video of the month.!

  4. Chuck says:

    I see you’ve got your hand wrapped around some nuts in the photo there. The Nature Valley Roasted Nut Crunch Bars – for those who like sharing their nuts both ways.

  5. nicole says:

    wow, those nuts are really sparkley.

  6. jodie says:

    Congrats on the mention in Marie Claire. Looks like you will be getting many more readers soon!

  7. Aimee says:

    “more nuts than a NFL locker room” hahahahaaaaaaa

    Thanks for the review. I will probably try them. After all, who doesn’t like nuts in their mouth?

  8. Alisha says:

    I think those are the shiniest, hairless nuts I have even seen.

  9. demondoll says:

    Mmmm, all-natural sparkly and shiny nuts? And you dancing in spandex? You know how to make me so happy!

  10. Jen says:

    Loved the pun.

  11. Red Icculus says:

    The dented can store where I live has these for $1.25 a box, glistening nuts and all. Despite my sheer terror of diabeetus from the corn syrup, these are awesome.

  12. Melissa says:

    Love your site but your reviews are way too long. A short paragraph would be fine. Thanks.

  13. meech says:

    i have to disagree with melissa i love the long epic reviews.

  14. Earl Focht says:

    Red Icculus, you live in a dented can store?

  15. Karen says:

    yeah, I like the epic reviews. Maybe you could start releasing reviews on tape for those people who don’t like to read (or long-haul truck drivers).

  16. Marvo says:

    Lord Jezo – I don’t think I should because it would blind you.

    Karen – Way too much jiggling would be involved.

    bikerbabeee – There would be lumps and bumps in places there shouldn’t be lumps and bumps.

    Chuck – Every month I wrap my hands around some nuts to check for lumps. I know TMI.

    nicole – If only they were diamonds.

    jodie – Thanks. I hope so. Or I hope to get more beauty tips.

    Aimee – Nuts are good for you. But if you stuff too many in your mouth you might choke. So be careful.

    Alisha – If I drop them on my bathroom floor, they won’t be hairless anymore. I know TMI.

  17. Marvo says:

    demondoll – Me dancing in spandex makes children cry.

    Jen – Thanks.

    Red Icculus – I need a dented can store. Or a red tag store. Or slightly expired meats store.

    Melissa – Nothing is short about me and I like to bloviate.

    meech – I’ve been thinking about writing a four part review, but I think that would be too long or boring.

    Karen – Oooh, I smell possible podcast.

  18. luckinflux says:

    “curves like a roller coaster ” was creating a beautiful image in my head when one of my co-workers walked by and changed it to curves of a thousand roller coasters. Why are the women at my job so damn unhealthy.


  19. Red Icculus says:

    @ Earl:

    Thanks holmes, as much as I am poor, I don’t live IN a dented can store. They offer sweet delicious nuts on the other side of the city.

  20. Marvo says:

    luckinflux – I think you need glasses with pictures of beautiful women affixed to the inside. That might help.