Pomegranate 7UP

Since when has pomegranate ever been festive?

When I think of Christmas, I don’t think about pomegranate, but according to the snowflake covered packaging of the limited-time-only Pomegranate 7UP, it might be the second coming of mistletoe. I can think of many things more festive than pomegranate. People waking up at 3:00 a.m. on Black Friday to wait in line at 4:00 a.m. for a slim chance to get a $399 laptop or $10 DVD player, but when they get there, there’s already fifty people in line wanting the same shit is more Christmassy than pomegranate.

I don’t know of anyone who adds the pomegranate berry to trees, wreaths, or holiday centerpieces. I can’t think of anyone who uses its juice to either permanently stain all their clothes to holiday readiness or to paint a Santa suit on their skin. There also isn’t anyone who thinks pomegranate makes Rudolph’s nose red, adds color to Santa’s cheeks, or stunts the growth of elves, making them so short that I want to punt them through goal posts. So how can pomegranate suddenly be holiday-ish?

When I found out about the Pomegranate 7UP, I didn’t think to myself, “Move over, egg nog, I’m going to get fat off of another beverage this season.” But wait, now that I think about it, how would I get fat off of pomegranate? After all, it’s healthy and full of antioxidants.

Thankfully, the wonderful folks at 7UP have solved this dilemma for me, because according to the ingredients list on its packaging, the Pomegranate 7UP has no pomegranate in it and enough sugar to replace the fat content of egg nog, which will help me if I want to become a shopping mall Santa without the need for a fat suit. I know it says “100% Natural Flavors” on the label, but when there’s no juice in its ingredients to give this soda its flavor, you’ve got to wonder whether it’s as natural as Demi Moore’s face.

There definitely is a pomegranate flavor to it, although it’s kind of light. Its overall flavor is good and not sickly sweet, despite the 31 grams of sugar per cup. However, unless you love the taste of pomegranate as much as I love boobs, I don’t see any real reason to purchase this variation of 7UP. The whole point of putting pomegranate into something is for its health benefits, but when there’s no pomegranate to be found, it’s like a golddigger sleeping with MC Hammer in 1996 and then finding out that he’s bankrupt.

Oh, how I miss Pepsi Holiday Spice.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 120 calories, 0 grams of fat, 35 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbs, 31 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 0 grams of caffeine, and 0 grams actual pomegranateness)

Item: Pomegranate 7UP
Price: $1.49 (2-liters)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Tastes good. Not sickly sweet. My love of boobs. Pepsi Holiday Spice. Getting a $399 laptop on Black Friday.
Cons: Seems like there’s no actual pomegranate. HFCS. No sweet, sweet caffeine. 31 grams of sugar per cup. Golddiggers. Not getting a $399 laptop on Black Friday.

33 thoughts on “Pomegranate 7UP

  1. Vodka is just about the only thing that would make this stuff better. I love pomogranates and this stuff was gross, so like all my hand-me-downs it got pawned off on my little sister.

  2. Ace – Dude, they always have $80 hard drives on sale. I should know, because I keep buying them to store the high quality celebrity whale tail and fripple shots from The Superficial.

    Domokun – GIN!!! You said gin. Now I need someone to say tequila.

    aunt crabby – You are so welcome. I feel bad I make you choke, but I guess it’s a gift I have when I’m around women.

    Lane O – Damn the FDA and their stupid 100% natural flavor rule.

    Susu – GIN!!! Now I need someone to recommend whiskey.

    Red Icculus – 31 grams of sugar is also gut-astic and I’ve got the gut to prove it.

    thebrokedown – Did it have gold flakes floating in it like Goldschlager?

    Henry Evil – Just checked eBay and there are a few individual cans up for bids. I would bid on one, but I don’t think my stomach could handle a two year old can of soda.

    ellie – If I were the holiday police, I would replace mistletoes with pomegranates and then make gift cards last forever.

    Webmiztris – So pomegranate could be an aphrodisiac? Maybe stained clothes might be worth it.

    demondoll – I can’t say that I love pomegranates, because I’ve only known them for only a couple of years. But after a few more years, I could love them, perhaps settle down with them, and start a family.

    Victoria C. – I bet you would probably pawn me off to your little sister too. :-(

  3. I just found this while looking up interesting info on Doritos. You guys Rock Tacos! Sincerely love your stuff! Hope you don’t mind that I raved about you a bit on my blog…

  4. Actually, pomegranates are traditional to Italian Christmas feasts, since their season is this time of year. I never had a Christmas without one.

  5. I usually put the seeds in my fruit salads for the holidays. The combination of pineapple & pom seeds is like a post-prom party in your mouth.

    That being said, I bought this soda & didn’t like it. Too much sugar. So I will do what I’ve done for the last 5 years & buy Pom Wonderful pomegranate-blueberry juice, and cut it with Clearly Canadian Blackberry. Yummmmm.

    They got pomegranates out there on that rock in the Pacific?

  6. Katie – I don’t mind, but could you also rave to the other six billion people on Earth…individually. Thank you. :-)

    Drew – Hmm…I figured you to be more of an ass kind of guy. Go figure.

    K – Thanks to the Pomegranate 7UP, this will be the first Christmas with “pomegranate” in it.

    Aimee – Sadly, my post-prom parties ended with me crying.

  7. I love this and the Pepsi Holiday Spice, and I dearly wish both could come back in diet next year!

    I’d like to see more proof of actual pomegranate myself.

  8. The last can of Holiday Spice in my fridge was just finished off a couple of weeks ago.

    Now that it’s gone I feel a bit empty inside. I should have bought more when I had the chance, but at least I still have 4 pack of Coke Blak in the closet to break open a few years from now.

  9. Nevis – I dunno, I think you might be disappointed. They don’t keep it real.

    LordJezo – So when did you drink the Surge and Crystal Pepsi?

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