I don’t know a lot about the South, but if the Food Network has taught me anything it’s that the food is good because it has a lot of soul in it. Sort of like Shang Tsung from Mortal Kombat, I guess. Other than that, my knowledge of the region is limited to popular culture. It would be far too irresponsible to fill this review with southern stereotypes. I could talk about how Michael Vick and Miss South Carolina have set any progress back about 150 years, but all of that would be too easy, ignorant, and fun.
It’s a lot better to focus on the positive, like this tasty meal from our friends from Banquet, which I have a sordid and confusing past with. It’s filled with twists and turns and maybe even a few liaisons with other brands. Banquet started selling their fried chicken meals with one big thigh instead of a drumstick and a wing. That crushed my saturated fat and cholesterol-filled soul. For the past several years, I have felt betrayed. Even though I received fewer grease burns from eagerly picking up chicken pieces, eating was never quite as fun or interesting.
However, Banquet has now unveiled two new chicken meals that have found a way into my heart. They have this southern fried chicken meal, which is something I’ve been waiting for my whole life, and one featuring two drumsticks. I can only imagine that they’ve been keeping all of the spare drumsticks in some warehouse for the past 5 years. Since I didn’t feel like eating chicken that has been around since I was in high school, I opted for the southern variety.
If you’ve ever looked at a supermarket ad, you will notice that Banquet is perpetually on sale at 10 for $10. While this is awesome for the person on a budget, it also causes a great deal of shame at the checkout line when your cart is a sea of red boxes and everyone else has real groceries. I usually throw in a bell pepper so I don’t feel as bad, but the cashier sees right through me.
I will never understand why the company calls itself Banquet. Obviously, you’re not meant to serve it at an actual banquet. Are you supposed to sit on your beanbag chair and pretend to be at a fancy affair as you shovel corn into your mouth? I have come to the conclusion that Banquet exists to humiliate me.
After a few hours of stewing and self-loathing, I get over my paranoia and start to enjoy the meal. The chicken actually tastes pretty good out of the microwave. Obviously, it isn’t crispy, but it’s also nice and peppery. This is a welcome change of pace from the ultra-salty fried chicken in the regular meals. Instead of corn, you get a decent amount of green beans. I’m not sure if green beans are more southern than corn, but at least it’s edible, which is far more than I can say about the corn in these meals. A cup of fake mashed potatoes rounds out the meal quite nicely.
If there’s anything bad I can say about the meal, it’s that it costs 25 cents more than a regular Banquet meal. However, not even my cheap ass can reasonably complain about the price hike. In fact, even the biggest college lowlife can afford the extra quarter for a frozen dinner.
Unless you’re from the South.
Just kidding.
Item: Banquet Southern Fried Fried Chicken Classics Price: $1.25 Purchased at: Stater Bros. Rating: 4 out of 5 Pros: Tasty, flavorful chicken that will actually remind you of good fried chicken. Side dishes that are actually edible. Great value for the price. Cons: Not even close to banquet-quality food. Southern stereotypes. The humiliation of a diet consisting of 95% frozen dinners. An extra 25 cents per meal.
Chocolate recently has become something like a sexually transmitted disease in the cereal world. Just like one out of four will receive an STD by the age of 25, it seems like chocolate has been infecting one in four cereals.
To be honest, I’ve never eaten Chex cereal any other way besides Chex Mix, just like I’ve never eaten regular Rice Krispies in any way other than Rice Krispies Treats. Chex Cereal comes in a variety of flavors, but I never had the desire to consume the checkboard cereal with milk until now with the new Chocolate Chex. I guess I believe chocolate makes everything better. That is why I will eat some chocolate when I’m a father and am forced to watch Disney’s High School Musical 8…for the tenth time.
According to the box, Chocolate Chex has a touch of cocoa, which was basically cocoa powder toasted into it, but I really wished instead of a touch it had a welcomed fondling or groping of cocoa. Not all the pieces were chocolatey. It seemed like there was an equal amount of chocolate and plain Chex cereal in the box. The chocolate cereal pieces were obviously chocolatey, but the non-chocolate pieces were unexciting, like the extremely saggy tits of tribal women found in issues of National Geographic.
Oh, thank you, bras.
If the cereal was chocolatey throughout, it probably would’ve been a better cereal. Instead it was decent cereal that seemed to lose some of its chocolatey flavor when eaten with milk. The chocolate did make the milk chocolatey-looking, but not very chocolatey-tasting.
Actually, eating Chocolate Chex dry was much better than eating it wet. This makes me believe that it would make an awesome Chocolate Chex Mix with chocolate-covered pretzels and chocolate-covered peanuts.
With chocolate finding its way into more cereals, I wonder how long it will take for Chocolate Raisin Bran, Chocolate Grape Nuts, or Kashi Chocolate Good Friends Cereal to become a reality. If chocolate helps those cereals become better, we may see a chocolate epidemic spread throughout other products.
Despite the increasing waistlines that would be caused by a chocolate epidemic, it would still be much better than an STD epidemic because there would be less scratching, less unusual colored discharges, and less embarrassing trips to the pharmacist.
So I’m told.
(Nutrition Facts - 3/4 cup serving size - 2.5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 60 milligrams of potassium, 26 grams of carbs, less than 1 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 17 grams of other carbs, 2 grams of protein, and a shitload of vitamins and minerals.)
Item: Chocolate Chex Price: FREE (14.25 ounces) Purchased at: Received from some nice PR people Rating: 3 out of 5 Pros: Tastes better without the milk. Would make a mean Chex Mix. Kosher and Pareve (for my Jewish friends). Full of vitamins and minerals. Part of a complete breakfast or part of a lazy bachelor’s dinner. Chocolate makes everything better. Bras. Cons: Not all of the cereal is chocolate covered. Loses some of its chocolatey flavor when eaten with milk. No chocolate milk. The sagging tits of tribal women in the pages of National Geographic. High School Musical 8. Getting an STD from Paris Hilton.
I don’t know what to do with myself during the 35 seconds it takes to warm up an Oscar Mayer Fast Frank. Most microwavable foods I eat, like popcorn and Lean Cuisine meals, take three to five minutes to heat up.
During that time I can walk away from the microwave and do a lot of different things, like put clothes in the washing machine, check out baseball box scores, iron a pair of pants, or kill some random guy with my bare hands, but I can’t do any of those things within 35 seconds. If I was an inexperienced overexcited male about to lose his virginity, those 35 seconds would be more than enough to experience premature ejaculation, but I’m no longer that person.
Each box of Oscar Mayer Fast Franks, which needs to be refrigerated, comes with three individually wrapped weiners with buns in a heating sleeve. The weiner inside the wrapping comes in its own wrapping, all of which is sort of like the equivalent of putting your groceries in paper and plastic bags or double-bagging a weiner — anatomy, not food.
(Editor’s Note: Please don’t double-bag weiners — anatomy, not food. Double-bagging increases the chances of condom breakage. No matter how skanky the person you’re with is, double-bagging might not provide double the protection. So please, don’t let friends double-bag. This has been a Public Service Announcement from your friends at The Impulsive Buy.)
Taking the hot dog with bun out of its wrapper, then taking the weiner out of its wrapper and putting it back in the bun, and then putting the hot dog in its heating sleeve in the microwave took slightly less than the 35 seconds it takes to warm a Fast Frank up. So I could prepare another Fast Frank while I wait for the first one warming up in the microwave, but eating two of them in one sitting would probably negate my daily Thighmaster workout, due to their high saturated fat and sodium content.
For those 35 seconds, I could just stare at the microwave, watch the Fast Frank rotate as it warms up, and feel the radiation on my skin, but there has to be a better use of my time. I guess I could just dance my way through the 35 seconds.
(Editor’s Note: Yes, that was me dancing. I have no rhythm.)
After the 35 seconds, I ended up with a decent tasting hot dog. Made out of turkey, pork, and chicken, the weiner warmed up thoroughly and was tasty, especially with the mustard I added to it. The bun was soft, but had a very slight staleness to it, which really isn’t surprising since it’s been refrigerated.
The Oscar Mayer Fast Franks seem perfect for those who are too lazy to cook. They are faster to warm up than a Cup o’ Noodles ramen, but unfortunately, they are significantly more pricey. The cost of each box of three individually wrapped weiners is roughly the equivalent of 6-10 Cup o’ Noodles. Its price is also about the same as a pack of hot dogs and a pack of hot dog buns combined, which will yield a significant more amount of weiners, but of course, with less convenience.
Although, with the time it takes to prepare weiners the old fashioned way, I will have more time to read my email, kill people my bare hands, or dance.
(Nutrition Facts for 1 Hot Dog with Bun: 290 Calories, 170 Calories from Fat, 19 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 790 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbs, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 10 grams of protein)
Item: Oscar Mayer Fast Franks Price: $3.50 Purchased at: Safeway Rating: 3 out of 5 Pros: Tasty weiner. Super quick to warm up. Perfect for people too lazy to cook. Good source of protein. Individually wrapped. Dancing. Cons: As unhealthy as normal hot dogs. Really pricey for only three hot dogs. Cup o’ Noodles are cheaper. Double-bagging weiners — anatomy, not food. Putting a video of yourself dancing poorly on YouTube. Can’t do much in 35 seconds. Getting the Jumbo Hotdog song stuck in your head. Premature ejaculation.
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September is upon us and many of us are going back to college for another semester of higher education and even higher bong hits. For a lot of people, school is an amazing wonderland that enriches the mind with knowledge and experience. If you are one of these people, I despise you — yet long to become you.
My days are mostly spent staring blankly like a grouper fish while my professors tell unfunny jokes. It has already come to the point where they barely register in my melted mind.
Melted is the key word here, as the recent heat wave has made walking around both uncomfortable and embarrassing. As I drag myself into class, I can’t help but think that looking like I’ve just run a marathon in a rubber suit raises some eyebrows. I no longer find it disturbing that I regularly fantasize about destroying the sun and gleefully frolicking amidst an Ice Age utopia.
So it’s strange that one of my new favorite snacks promotes the virtues and value of heat. Indeed, the Blazin’ Buffalo flavor of Goldfish has been both a tasty and satisfying snack whenever I feel the need to crunch on something. I’m probably ten years above the target market, but I can’t resist a snack that actually smiles back at me as I’m eating it.
The flavor appealed to me because I’ve been looking for something to curb my hot wing addiction for quite some time. Since football season is now coming back in full gear, I decided that buying the Goldfish for a little over a buck was a good choice to make for my wallet.
Ordering wings at my favorite place costs $35 for a tub of 50 and isn’t something I can really afford on a regular basis. It had gotten to the point where I had to sell my body for bottles of blue cheese. Actually, it never got that far, but it would make for a funny story.
So does the taste of these lovable crackers actually come close to buffalo wings? Well, sort of. It’s not actually all that spicy, certainly not spicy enough to warrant a “Blazin‘” label. Thankfully, it’s also not as salty as the other “Flavor Blasted” varieties that taste as though they’ve been invented for the sole purpose of giving children high blood pressure.
Overall, it’s a tasty snack because it has a decent amount of buffalo wing flavor while still maintaining the addictive qualities of Goldfish crackers. It’s nothing to get too excited about, but at least I can now proudly hum the Goldfish jingle to myself as I’m slowly roasting in a poorly ventilated classroom.
Item: Goldfish Flavor Blasted Blazin’ Buffalo Wing Price: $1.29 Purchased at: Target Rating: 4 out of 5 Pros: Tasty buffalo wing flavor that isn’t overbearing. Great snack for kids, kids-at-heart, and kid lovers. Happily dancing in a frozen tundra. Cons: Not as spicy as I would like it to be. Eating a children’s snack as a young adult. Sweating a lot more than other people. Prostituting my body for condiments.
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The Sambazon Supergreens Revolution Organic Açai Smoothie has more grass types than your average golf course and corner nickelbag dealer have combined. Each bottle contains wheat grass, barley grass, oat grass, alfalfa, sprulina, and chlorella. It’s been awhile since bullies made me eat grass in grade school, so I didn’t fully remember what it tasted like, but after drinking this smoothie, it’s slowly coming back to me.
Fortunately, the smoothie doesn’t just contain grass, because that would be the shittiest smoothie ever. It also has apple juice, grape juice, bananas, mangos, and the popular açai berry. Much like how Timbaland can make a song sound much better, these fruits and fruit juices made the grass taste better, although not as good as I hoped.
If you’ve ever had a bad raisin, you have an idea of what the Sambazon Supergreens Revolution Organic Açai Smoothie tastes like. It was pretty disgusting when I first drank it, but the more I drank, the better it got. It’s the same thing with the movie Battlefield Earth. If you take a shot every time John Travolta overacts, within ten minutes the movie will be on the same level as Gigli.
The taste of this maroon-colored beverage will make most people gag, and so will most beverages described as tasting like a “bad raisin,” but I have a trick that you can use to hopefully make it more tolerable. All you have to do is keep telling yourself how healthy the all grass and Açai berries are for you. It’s like the mental equivalent of pinching your nose to endure its taste. But if the sight or taste of this doesn’t get to you, perhaps its smell or sludge-like consistency will.
Despite how bad I’m talking about it, I have to say that I actually like the Sambazon Supergreens Revolution Organic Açai Smoothie. It’s a food with a silver lining. I think because there are so many things in it that are good for you that they negate all the things that make it disgusting. It has antioxidants, healthy omega fats, fiber, and a whole lot of phytonutrients, all of which will decrease the effects of free radicals and probably make Britney Spears’ new single tolerable for about three seconds.
Besides, isn’t that the rule of most healthy foods? They may not taste good, but they are good for you–except iceberg lettuce and orchids used as garnish. I also think it tastes a little bit better than its competitor, the equally disturbing Odwalla Superfood, although the Sambazon smoothie has more calories, less potassium, less Vitamin C, and a little more sugar.
It maybe super healthy, tastes all right, and smells bad, but perhaps the least known fact about the Sambazon Supergreens Revolution Organic Açai Smoothie is that it may get you a ride if you need a lift someday, because you know what they say:
Ass, gas, or grass. Nobody rides for free.
Item: Sambazon Supergreens Revolution Organic Açai Smoothie Price: $3.39 (10.5 ounces) Purchased at: Safeway Rating: 3 out of 5 Pros: Full of healthy shit. Slightly better tasting than the Odwalla Superfood. 100% vegan. Organic. Antioxidants. 7 grams of dietary fiber (28% daily allowance). 4,050 milligrams of healthy omega fats. Cons: Smells weird. Sludge-like. Its taste is something to get used to. Drinking grass. Eating grass in grade school. Britney’s fucked up new single.
Whenever I purchase or receive a product that on the outside seems like it’s going to make me cringe, like finding an Adam’s apple on a blind date I met through Craigslist, I try to prepare for it the best I can. After receiving the Caramel Doritos Sweets from Japan, I went into full preparation mode, getting all my senses ready for what I felt was going to be gag worthy. It’s the same thing I did before trying the Pepsi Cucumber Ice.
To prepare my sense of touch, I plunged both arms into a bucket of ice. To get my sight ready, I stared at Tara Reid bikinipictures, which if you see them, you will know that it is 100 percent less sexy than it sounds.
To prepare my hearing, I listened to my poor attempts at becoming a turntablist during my high school years, scratching the 45 RPM record single for Crowded House’s “Don’t Dream It’s Over.”
Don’t…chicka…chicka…chick…Don’t dream it’s over.
I prepared my sense of smell by making a three-bean chili, giving it all to a hungry homeless dude, and standing downwind from him. To prepare the sense of taste, I punished my tongue with a whip that came with the non-sanctioned Ken & Barbie Malibu After Dark S&M set with real leather that I bought in the Mature Audiences section of eBay.
While lashing my tongue with the small whip, I wondered if Japanese companies use things like prototypes, focus groups, or common sense when coming up with new food products. They have a tendency to make items that seem like something consumers don’t want, like breaded meat without the meat in bar form.
After my senses were prepared for the Caramel Doritos Sweets, I slowly opened the bag and a slightly sickly sweet aroma billowed out of it. “That smell is not a good sign,” I thought to myself as I peered into the packaging.
The Doritos inside didn’t look like the triangle-shaped Doritos that most people know and love. Instead they looked like small screw bits, which is appropriate, since this flavor seems like Frito-Lay Japan is screwing with us.
With all the preparation I did, I was ready for its taste to be unsurprisingly horrible, just like going ass-to-mouth, but it ended up tasting like slightly sweetened Fritos corn chips. The combination of sweet and salty was good with this crunchy snack, but I didn’t think its flavor was caramel-ish, it seemed more pancake syrup-ish.
Preparing my senses for a possibly bad tasting product was unnecessary this time. I got lucky with the Caramel Doritos Sweets, which is a tasty original product. I wish I could say the same for my Craigslist blind dates. Maybe I should stop looking in the Misc Romance section.
(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Melbatoast for sending me a bag of Caramel Doritos Sweets from Japan. If she ever wants a Wendy’s Baconator, I’ll be glad to send it to her, although it probably won’t be edible by the time she gets it.)
Item: Caramel Doritos Sweets Price: FREE Purchased at: Received from reader Melbatoast Rating: 3 out of 5 Pros: Surprisingly good. Good combination of sweet and salty. Mature audiences section of eBay. Only available in Japan. Crowded House’s “Don’t Dream It’s Over.” Cons: Smells sickly sweet. Not caramel-ish. My turntablist skillz. Tara Reid in a bikini. Adam’s apples on blind dates.
I don’t know much about Dr. Andrew Weil. All I know is that he’s Oprah’s good friend and has a line of Ito En teas with his name on it, like the Ito En Dr. Andrew Weil for Tea Sencha with Matcha.
Of course, I could assume other things about Dr. Weil by looking at his picture below. He could be Santa Claus. His doctorate could be in the Hippie Dark Arts, which uses free love, Grateful Dead albums, and tie-dye t-shirts for evil. His big, thick, white beard looks like it could holds deep secrets, treasure, or know where in the world is Carmen Sandiego.
I wanted to try the Ito En Dr. Andrew Weil for Tea Sencha with Matcha because I love green tea and anything six degrees of Oprah. I’ve bought all the books from Oprah’s Book Club, which have made wonderful dust collectors, and a subscription to O Magazine, because when Oprah says “jump,” I say, “How high and am I going to get a free car if I do?”
Some of you out there might not be familiar with the terms, “sencha” and “matcha.” Basically, they are both Japanese green teas. In Japanese, sencha means “broiled tea,” while matcha means “rubbed tea.” To explain it better, I’ll refer to the Ito En box, which says:
Sencha–Japan’s celebrated loose leaf tea–receives a brilliant infusion of matcha, the prized tea used in the tea ceremony. To create sencha, tea leaves are steamed and then fired to bring out a distinctive taste. For matcha, shade-grown leaves are meticulously processed and stone-ground to preserve its herbaceous vitality. When paired together, the result is a sparkling green with a smooth yet invigorating taste.
As a regular green tea connoisseur, who drinks it for its high concentration of antioxidants, to represent my Japanese background, and to stop my trembling hands when I’m jonesing for some caffeine, I’ve had my share of green tea over the years and I have to say that the Ito En Dr. Andrew Weil for Tea Sencha with Matcha is a good tasting pre-bagged tea.
Having tried matcha in its actual ceremonial Japanese green tea form, I thought the addition of it to this tea would make it very bitter. If you’ve never had green tea from a Japanese tea ceremony, its bitterness is eye-opening, like splashing your face with ice cold water or unexpectedly walking into the sight of a baby popping out of a birth canal.
Thankfully, the Ito En Dr. Andrew Weil for Tea Sencha with Matcha wasn’t very bitter at all. It wasn’t even as bitter as the Japanese green tea I usually drink, although I’m sure it would’ve been if I steeped it a little more than the instructions on the packaging said.
If there’s one thing that’s slightly bitter about the Ito En Dr. Andrew Weil for Tea Sencha with Matcha, it’s the price, which runs around seven dollars for ten tea bags. My usual green tea on sale costs $1.50 for a box of 16 tea bags; however, if Oprah says I need to buy it, I’ll buy it, just like if Oprah jumped into a volcano, I would follow.
Item: Ito En Dr. Andrew Weil for Tea Sencha with Matcha Price: $6.99 (10 bags) Purchased at: Target Rating: 3 out of 5 Pros: Good green tea. Oprah. Easy to drink. Oprah. Has production date printed on it. Oprah. Green tea is full of antioxidants. Oprah. Not as bitter as my usual green tea. I love you, Oprah. Anything six degree of Oprah. Cons: Significantly more expensive than my usual green tea. The bitterness of matcha from a Japanese tea ceremony. Hippie Dark Arts.
Meditation is something I try to do whenever I want to clear my mind, body, and soul. I’ll just sit on the floor with my legs crossed, close my eyes, inhale deeply, hold each breath for a moment, and then slowly exhale. Chanting sutras are optional…and so are clothing.
I like to call my quiet place, “solitary confinement,” because just like actual prison solitary confinement it allows me to spend time alone with myself and I get away from the daily anal raping, except anal raping to me is a metaphor for the daily grind, while for inmates it’s actual anal raping.
To get to my quiet place, I need to have optimal conditions, which is somewhat similar to the conditions needed for me to get down and shake my thang on the dance floor — a large open space, not much light, and a nice aroma in the air.
The first two are easy, because I live alone with the curtains always closed, but getting a nice aroma has been difficult to accomplish. I’ve tried obtaining meditating scents through the usual means, like incense, flowers, and cheap unemployed strippers, but I can’t light incense since I can’t have an open flame in my apartment, flowers are expensive to buy on a weekly basis, and cheap unemployed strippers quickly become employed again when they either work at another club or they decide to do porn.
A relaxing scent is essential when meditating because it’s hard to align my chakra when I’m smelling my own sweaty, deodorant-less, naked body. So over the past few weeks I’ve been trying the Method Sweet Water Aroma Ring while I meditate. It consists of a plastic ring that has slots for what Method calls a “fragrance disc,” which has a liquid fragrance that diffuses through a membrane. Think of it as aroma osmosis trying to cover up the stank that is my putrid body odor.
The Method Sweet Water Aroma Ring doesn’t need electricity or batteries to operate and it contains two fragrance discs, each of which lasts up to four weeks. If you live with a roommate who doesn’t understand the concept that higher humidity minus deodorant plus more sweat equals horrible stank, you can use two of the fragrance discs at the same time in the Aroma Ring and attach it around your neck, but for most situations, only one is needed. Additional fragrance discs can be purchased in packs of two for around five dollars.
The Sweet Water’s sweet floral scent was kind of awkward at first, but just like the aroma of my own poop, I got used to it. I also thought the Aroma Ring would make a wonderful car air freshener, but apparently its membrane hates the triple-digit temperatures that my car’s interior reaches while it’s parked in the sun. After several days in my car, the edges of the fragrance disc cracked, making it sort of look like the Eye of Sauron or the eye of one really stoned mofo.
While using the Aroma Ring during my hardcore meditation sessions I could smell its sweet scent as I sat in the middle of my darkened open space, but it wasn’t strong enough to overcome the other smells circling the room, like the frozen pizza I was baking in my oven and my sweaty, deodorant-less, naked body.
According to the packaging, the Method Aroma Ring works best in smaller rooms, like bathrooms, bedrooms, walk-in porn closets, or the secret little area you hide in whenever the police come knocking on your door. Since my meditation room is a medium-sized room, it probably wasn’t the optimal place for the Aroma Ring to do its thing.
Overall, I found that the Method Sweet Water Aroma Ring can’t provide me with a nice consistent aroma in my meditation room due the room’s size. However, the Sweet Water scent was pleasant after I got used to it and the fragrance discs lasted for a good amount of time. Personally, I think I need something with a stronger scent, because my sweaty, deodorant-less, naked body is pretty stank.
Item: Method Sweet Water Aroma Ring Price: $8.00 Purchased at: Target Rating: 3 out of 5 Pros: Sweet Water scent was pleasant after I got used to it. Comes with two fragrance discs. No batteries or electricity needed. Fragrance discs lasts around four weeks. Biodegradable. Kid and pet friendly. No animal testing. If you’re French, instructions also come in French. Cheap unemployed strippers. Cons: Pricey. Replacement fragrance discs are pricey. Not good enough for a consistent aroma while I meditate. Can’t use as car air freshener. Meant for smaller rooms. Scent not powerful enough for my stank body. Looks like something drunk dudes would hump. My stank sweaty, deodorant-less, naked body. Cheap employed strippers.
Over the past couple of days, TIB has been having some outages due to its hosting provider. Everything seems like it’s back to normal. If not, I’m going to whine like a spoiled My Super Sweet 16 bitch who’s upset because she got a BMW instead of a Mercedes. TIB reviews will return next week.
The McDonald’s Snack Wraps are just like actors who’ve played James Bond — one of them defined it (Sean Connery, Ranch Snack Wrap), one of them not so much (Timothy Dalton, Honey Mustard Snack Wrap), one of them you’ve probably never heard of (George Lazenby, Salsa Roja Snack Wrap), and one of them was not bad (Roger Moore, the new Chipotle BBQ Snack Wrap).
But unlike the James Bond movies, which are somewhat limited by the number of novels written by Ian Fleming and other authors, the expansion of the McDonald’s Snack Wrap is almost endless. Stuffed with either crispy or grilled all-white chicken breast meat, shredded lettuce and cheese, and a spicy sweet sauce, the McDonald’s Chipotle BBQ Snack Wrap continues the evolution of this affordable burrito wannabe.
You could say about the Snack Wrap that McDonald’s is not only just lovin’ it, they’re also just milkin’ it. Slowly but surely, as they keep adding new sauces, Snack Wraps will reach a rare level of diversity that only Beanie Babies and Pokemon have accomplished, but unlike those two, Snack Wraps have horrible resale value on eBay.
But for now there are only three McDonald’s Snack Wrap flavors available nationwide, and if you’ve tried all three, congratulations, you’ve completed the Snack Wrap Gastrointestinal Triple Crown. Your prize? A possible slight raise in high blood pressure and making the lovable purple blob Grimace smile.
If you haven’t had the McDonald’s Chipotle BBQ Snack Wrap, I’d suggest you try it, because it’s good. Although, I personally think the ranch dressing version of it is the best flavor. The sauce itself tasted like any barbecue sauce with a little spice and it meshed well with the crispy version, but not so much with the grilled one.
As someone who prefers to get my tongue kicked by spices so hard that I cry like a Miss USA contestant after she’s announced as the winner or sweat like someone trapped in a Geo Metro with Spongebob Squarepants and Urkel from Family Matters, I was hoping that the chipotle sauce would’ve been hotter. But if you’re a lightweight when it comes to spices, I’d suggest passing on this particular Snack Wrap because there is a little burn.
(Nutritional Values: The crispy version of the McDonald’s Chipotle BBQ Snack Wrap has 320 calories, 14 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 780 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, and 14 grams of protein. The grilled version has 260 calories, 8 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, zero grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 820 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of dietary fiber, and 18 grams of protein.)
Item: McDonald’s Chipotle BBQ Snack Wrap Price: $1.49 each Purchased at: McDonald’s Rating: 3 out of 5 Pros: Good. Crispy tastes better. Sean Connery as James Bond. Making Grimace smile. Cons: Kind of small. Sauce not spicy enough for me. Grilled is not as good as crispy. Nutritional values are snack-like. Timothy Dalton as James Bond. Being trapped in a Geo Metro with Spongebob and Urkel.
I take back everything bad I said about other things I reviewed, this is proof that the devil lives among us. And apparently the devil takes on the form of a blonde mermaid who hocks packaged fish products. Nice try, you sleazy merchant of lies. You don’t even really exist in nature, your origin came about when drunk and horny pirates mistakenly identified a seal. Maybe next time wear a clamshell bra like Ariel from The Little Mermaid if you want to win my trust and make me have a disturbing, sexually confusing crush on you.
How I came about stumbling upon this box of evil seemed innocent enough. I was minding my own business, shopping at the gigantic corporate mega mart that simultaneously fuels and ruins our country, when I had a sudden craving for tuna. I skimmed the aisles until I found the cheapest can I could and then noticed something beside it. Like a siren, it called to me. I picked it up and threw it in my cart. Little did I know I was in possession of a product that was more akin to Pandora’s Box than a can of tuna.
I related to the small sealed cup because like myself, it had a massive identity crisis. The label is a true orgy of bullshit that I had to wade through just to figure out what the damn thing was. First of all, it was from Chicken of the Sea, which I’ve been conditioned to believe sells tuna.
However, it is addressed as a salmon cup, which is neither chicken nor tuna. To make matters more complicated, the words “Mandarin Orange” are included in a big box as if to indicate that this was indeed a fruit cup and that everything else was included for the sole purpose of pissing me off.
After my head exploded and the minimum wage worker lazily wiped the remains off the floor, I checked out. I mentioned to the cashier, “You do realize that this is fucking ridiculous, right?” but only received a puzzled look in response. I took the cup home and decided to give it a shot.
This is by far the most vile thing I’ve ever attempted to consume. The scent is somewhere between orange scratch-n-sniff and demon breath. I am convinced that if Syracuse University’s orange mascot died in a football celebration gone terribly awry, this is what he’d smell like after two weeks. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think this thing came straight out of an H.P. Lovecraft novel.
By this point I had confirmed that it was indeed salmon in some type of mandarin orange sauce. My first taste was one of bewilderment and disgust. “I don’t recall salmon tasting like syrup, orange liquor, and charcoal,” I thought to myself.
Needless to say, I quickly spit it out and burned the plastic bag just in case it decided to return and make me eat it in my sleep. I ran into the garage seeking sandpaper to lick so I could get rid of the taste.
They say that which does not kill you makes you stronger, but those people apparently never tasted mandarin orange salmon cups. The sadist in me wants you to try it with your family and share in the pain that I’ve felt, but the Jesus complex in me wants to save you from this horrible wreck.
It’s your call, but don’t come back crying when your spouse leaves you and your oldest daughter becomes a broken emo girl that I may or may not try to sleep with at a party.
Item: Chicken of the Sea Mandarin Orange Salmon Cups Price: 85 cents Purchased at: Wal-Mart Rating: 1 out of 5 Pros: Hot animated mermaids. Hermetically sealed packaging. Cons: Dead orange mascots. Smell from said dead orange mascot. Abominable taste. the shame of shopping at Wal-Mart. Confusing labels. Salmon officially losing all of its dignity.
Today, you turn three years old. Imagine, in eighteen years you can drink legally and have a decent job so that you can move out of the house. In fifteen years, you can vote and watch Rated R movies without a legal guardian. In thirteen years, you can drive a car. In seven years, you’ll lash out at me after I punish you for not doing your homework. In one year, I hope you stop calling me mommy.
I know at the beginning I didn’t really take care of you, putting up whatever crap came to my unemployed mind, but over the years I’ve matured and so have you. It’s no longer about Chinese sweatshop quantity, it’s about Japanese auto plant quality…with a few lemons. I wish I could post more reviews and I wish you could write your own reviews, but if you could write your own reviews, it would probably eventually lead to artificially intelligent cyborgs hell bent on destroying all humans.
I have to admit that you were really ugly when you were first born. I didn’t know much about bringing up a blog. I would change your colors often and make you look like other blogs because we all used the same default theme. Now you’re cute, but you’re definitely going to need braces…and probably glasses…and eventually liposuction.
I honestly can’t believe that you came from my loins. I would’ve expected a blog about my love of The Snorks, whining about my job, or something about kittens, but instead I ended up with you and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Hopefully, someday you’ll grow up to be a Pajiba, an Engadget, a Post Secret, a Kottke, a Go Fug Yourself, or an Icanhascheezburger. But until then, I’ll watch over you, be a little overprotective, ensure you don’t date boys until you’re 14 or 15, and make sure you are never influenced by the MTV show My Super Sweet 16.
I also just want to let you know that I’m p-p-proud of you…
I’ll give you a topic. The orangeroot is neither orange, nor a root.
Discuss.
Okay, I’m fine.
Again, I’m proud of you.
So we’re going to celebrate your birthday by giving away gifts to those who have watched you grow. They say it takes a village to raise a child, or some bullshit like that, so we should thank some of those villagers who helped raise you. We will give away three $25 Threadless gift certificates, three 3-month subscriptions to eMusic, and three $30 gift certificates for iTunes.
To enter the drawing, villagers will have to leave a comment for this post with the words, “Happy Birthday TIB” in their comment because this day is all about you, TIB. They should fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winners their prizes.
We will start accepting entries for the drawing on Thursday, August 9, 2007 and stop accepting entries on Thursday, August 16, 2007 (11:59 Hawaii Standard Time). Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is open to everyone, but the iTunes gift certificates can only be won by those in the United States.
The winners will be determined in a way that has not been decided. It will probably be messy.
Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam about spam. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, the Spice Girls getting back together, or artificially intelligent cyborgs hell bent on destroying all humans.
So TIB, I hope all your birthday wishes come true. If not, I just want to let you know that I will always support you, except I won’t pay for the psychologist sessions you go to because your birthday wishes didn’t come true.
The Wendy’s Baconator has a name usually reserved for those college students who fully take advantage of the all-you-can-eat breakfast bar in the dormitory cafeteria or the wingmen who takes home the fat chicks.
It’s a simple burger that doesn’t have any secret sauces, fancy breads, exotic cheeses, special meats, or vegetables. It’s just two lightly salted quarter pound patties of ground beef, six strips of bacon, two slices of cheese, ketchup, and mayonnaise in between a bun.
In this day and age of Ciabatta bread and chipotle peppers, the Baconator’s simplicity is comforting, like freshly baked chocolate chip cookies and milk or nestling my head in between the voluptuous bosom of a woman.
Of course, what’s not comforting about the Baconator is its nutritional values, which makes the Big Mac’s seem small, like a penis after being dunked in the cold water.
While the Baconator has 830 calories, 51 grams of fat, 22 grams of saturated fat, 2.5 grams of trans fat, 170 milligrams of cholesterol, and 1,920 milligrams of sodium, the Big Mac has the less artery-clogging values of 540 calories, 29 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol. and 1,040 milligrams of sodium.
With all that meat and its nutritional values, the Baconator is not a burger that you would want to eat often or during your recovery from triple bypass surgery or in the middle of a Weight Watchers meeting or in the lion’s den at a zoo or at a PETA protest. But if you can eat several of these in one sitting, you should be given the nickname, “Baconator-tor.”
Despite its unhealthiness and fugliness in the picture above, the Baconator a pretty good burger. It was smaller than I thought it would be, but it’s a pretty dense burger. As a matter of fact, when I was carrying the paper Wendy’s bag it came in, it kind of felt like it was going to fall through the bottom.
As for its taste, the smokiness from the bacon complimented well with the juicy ground beef patties and the two slices of cheese. The ketchup and mayonnaise added a nice creamy tomato flavor to it. All together, it created a simple, classic taste, like something I would’ve gotten from a drive-in restaurant from the 1950s.
But all is not perfect with this burger. Wendy’s claims the Baconator has six strips of bacon, and it technically does, but those strips were awfully short. I know bacon shrinks significantly when cooked, but it would probably take two or three strips from the Baconator to equal one strip of bacon from a package I bought from the store and fried on my own.
Overall, it’s a really good burger. Although, after eating one, I feel like my lifespan has shortened a little bit. Again, it’s simple with a classic taste, which I really like.
I wish I could say the same for the type of women I like, which is high-maintenance, high heels, and with a high tolerance of me.
Item: Wendy’s Baconator Price: $6.49 (Small Combo) Purchased at: Wendy’s Rating: 4 out of 5 Pros: Simple burger with a classic taste. Heavy burger. Half pound of beef. Freshly baked chocolate chip cookies and milk. Resting my head in between the voluptuous bosom of a woman. Cons: Six strips of bacon were small. Bad nutritional values that make the Big Mac’s look healthy. 2.5 grams of trans fat. Eating meat at a PETA protest. Eating a Baconator at a Weight Watchers meeting.
