Consider the Slurpuccino the closest thing Slurpologists at 7-Eleven could come up with that might be considered an adult Slurpee without adding alcohol. By its name you can figure out that this here Slurpee has a coffee flavor to it, much like the sweat that comes out of pores of Britney Spears’ cigarette and Starbucks-addicted body after jiggling her pudgy frame through a dance routine for “…Baby One More Time.”

I wish that 7-Eleven came up with this idea sooner, because I will admit, it seems a little weird for a 32-year-old quasi-product review blogger man to be walking out of a convenience store with a strawberry, banana, or Coke Slurpee in his hand. Sure it is even weirder because I suck on the straw a little too provocatively and because of that parents usually pull their children a little closer to them to protect them from the grown man who loves Slurpees — apparently a little too much. However, a coffee-flavored Slurpee would help with this awkwardness.

Unfortunately, the coffee flavor of the Slurpuccino was like Madonna’s British accent — it was extremely artificial. Just like actual coffee, there was a slight bitterness to it, but that bitterness was overcome by the excessive fake creme flavor. Sweet, sweet caffeine might’ve made up for its flavor, but I couldn’t find anything about caffeine content on the Slurpee website.

You would think that a national convenience store chain that serves millions of gallons of coffee every year to truck drivers, office workers, college students, and people who did not want to wait in line at Starbucks and will settle for something less could make a pretty good coffee Slurpee, but it seems those years of coffee experience were not used well or at all.

Fortunately, it is a limited edition Slurpee that will be available only throughout February and March. This timeframe makes it a great Valentine’s Day gift for the one you want to break up with. Just buy one right before the break up and stick on it a card that says, “This Slurpuccino was very artificial, just like your personality. This Slurpee will quickly melt away, just like my love for you has.”

Item: Cafe Latte Slurpuccino
Price: $1.49 (32-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: It is cold. Being a Slurpologist. Not having to wait in line at Starbucks. Adult Slurpees. Adult diapers.
Cons: Extremely artificial latte flavor. Horrible fake cream flavor. Headache from brain freeze. Headache from caffeine withdrawals. Great tool to use to break up with someone. Madonna’s British accent. Britney Spears’ coffee-smelling bodily fluids. Sucking on a straw in a provocative manner.

Listen to the TIB Podcast here.

Some of you might be wondering how my chest waxing went this weekend. Here’s 12 seconds of pain for you. The review will be coming in the near future.

Excuse me, women of the world. Come a little closer.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to come on to you and use any of my panty-dropping pick up lines. I just want to talk and have a stimulating conversation with you while we have a non-romantic candlelight dinner that starts off with oysters as an appetizer, some nice Merlot, mango glazed chicken for the main course, and chocolate covered strawberries for dessert. All of them being aphrodisiacs is just a coincidence, and in no way, shape, or form have these choices been premeditated weeks in advance.

What I’d like to talk to you about are the things you women do that make you feel good about yourselves. You get facials, get a perm, drink frozen margaritas, wax body parts, watch Oprah, pluck eyebrows, drink Crystal Light, apply makeup (which you look beautiful without), and buy shoes with four inch heels. Those all are fine, especially the shoes with four inch heels applying uncomfortable pressure on my chest, but I’m worried about this Go Girl Glo Energy Drink.

Why am I worried? Because this energy drink claims to promote healthy skin and if it truly does, women everywhere will be wrapping their lips around it and the 75 milligrams of caffeine and 500 milligrams of taurine per can could turn armies of women into armies of peppy Rachael Rays. One Rachael Ray is fine, two would be tolerable, but three or more are grounds for sedatives…or a cage match between them all.

To help promote healthy skin, Vitamin E and aloe vera powder were added, which bothers me because I don’t know if you’ve ever smelled the leaf of an aloe vera plant, but if you haven’t go do that right now, and after you gag a few times from one whiff of it, come back here. I’m not sure how either of these ingredients in such little amounts can help your skin, but if drinking a can of beer can make any woman look beautiful to me, then why not an energy drink with Vitamin E and aloe vera.

According to the can, the champagne-colored beverage is supposed to be a combination of pomegranate and star fruit, but it kind of tasted like plain yogurt. It’s not bad, but it’s not great and I prefer the flavor of the original Go Girl Energy Drink. Speaking of the original Go Girl Energy Drink, Glo also has the “Super Citrimax” herbal appetite suppressant, which I didn’t notice because I’m a glutton. I also didn’t notice a boost of energy, despite the caffeine and taurine in it, so maybe I shouldn’t have to worry about armies of Rachael Rays.

However, I did find something else that really does give me a boost of energy, suppresses my appetite, and helps with my complexion.

It’s called sleep and maybe you and I should get some together.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 can – 35 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 9 grams of carbs, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 10% Calcium, 6% Vitamin E, 25% Vitamin B6, 35% Vitamin B12, 6% Iron, 25% Riboflavin, 10% Folate, 500 milligrams of taurine, 508 milligrams of Super Citrimax, 10 milligrams of CoQ 10, 10 milligrams of aloe vera, 75 milligrams of caffeine, and 0 grams of glo.)

(Editor’s Note: The Energy Guru, who I believe is immune to caffeine, also reviewed the Go Girl Glo Energy Drink.)

Item: Go Girl Glo Energy Drink
Price: $1.79 (12 ounces)
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting. Tastes like plain yogurt. Low calorie. Vitamins and minerals. Portion of proceeds donated to ovarian cancer research and awareness. Sleep. Shoes with four inch heels. My guaranteed-to-work pick up lines. Multiple Rachael Ray cage match. Four inch heels applying uncomfortable pressure on my chest.
Cons: I’m not sure if one can will make a difference with your skin. Caffeine and taurine didn’t give me an energy boost. Addition of aloe vera seemed weird. Three or more Rachael Rays.

Listen to the audio version here.