Megamallows Giant Pizza Slice

I really believe the Megamallows Giant Pizza Slice is the marshmallow equivalent of a “fuck you.”

If only I had the addresses of all the people who have bullied, teased, or blueballed me over the years, I would be mailing these fuckers en masse. If you don’t love your child, giving this product to them is probably the softest way to let them know, right behind the words, “You were an accident…that happened in the back seat of a Ford Pinto…with some guy I met at a bar at closing…I think his name was Rick…or Roger…I only had you for the welfare.”

The idea of a strawberry-flavored marshmallow that is shaped like a pizza is something beyond a novelty. It is like a cruel joke that is so cruel, no one laughs at it. Yes, I did say that this marshmallow pizza is strawberry flavored. I will admit a marshmallow pizza that is pizza flavored sounds even worse, but at least it would make sense.

Strangely, I wasn’t drunk, high, or delirious with hunger when I bought it, but I wish I was drunk or high when I ate some of it, because it is something I would like to forget in either an alcoholic haze or Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind-style.

I took three regrettable bites out of the Megamallows Giant Pizza Slice and then wished for a flux capacitor to be delivered via FedEx to my door so that I can go back in time and stop myself from purchasing something that not even fat kids would eat.

Its strawberry flavor was like I was eating a shitty strawberry yogurt. Its texture was a little tough, which is weird since it is a frickin’ marshmallow. Finally, the marshmallow pizza itself looked like a Picasso abstract painting…done by a 6-year-old with fingerpaints and on acid.

Despite everything bad about the Megamallows Giant Pizza Slice, there is some good. It is fat free, but unfortunately, the zero grams of fat don’t make up for the 1,000 grams of shame.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 package – 150 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 35 milligrams of sodium, 37 grams of carbs, 0 grams of fiber, 26 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 4% calcium, 2% iron, and 1,000 grams of shame.)

Item: Megamallows Giant Pizza Slice
Price: $1.49
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: It didn’t make me puke. Fat free.
Cons: It’s a pizza that’s strawberry flavored. 1,000 grams of shame. The marshmallow equivalent of a fuck you. Shitty strawberry taste. No flux capacitor.

27 thoughts to “Megamallows Giant Pizza Slice”

  1. i am seriously about throw up!!!! seriously they must all sit in a room high and cracked out on whatever the cool drug of the moment is thinking up shit to sell that only crack heads or bloggers to the masseses would eat

  2. These are HORRIBLE! I have been telling people for awhile now about these…they taste a little like strawberry toothpaste that toddlers use.

  3. Shann – One day I’ll have an entire review that will involve only me saying “fuck you” throughout the whole thing.

    Bokkie – There have been worse.

    twig – When we get our Whole Foods here, I’ll bull through the rich snobby people in the aisles to try them.

    Nevis – Nasterrific!

    meg – We bloggers will eat anything. Some more than others.

    Brian – Strawberry toothpaste for kids is MUCH better.

    Justin – I just hope you had your insulin.

  4. I need to find this before the 1st. Then, on April 1st I can give it to someone and say, “hey, I got you some pizza.” Then when they eat it, I can yell “Ha Ha it’s not pizza! Fuck You!”

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