Jack in the Box Kona Coffee Shake

Kona Coffee is known worldwide as one of the best varieties of coffee. To reach that level of excellence, you may think there’s something special about the town of Kona, like it’s a magical place where coffee beans rain down from the sky and the wonderful smell of coffee lingers like the aroma of urine in every public stairwell.

You may think the beans are collected by little men called Menehune who come out of their tiny grass huts at night and each bean is carried on a donkey-shaped cloud to a magic grinder that uses the bones of unicorns to turn the coffee beans into a fine dust for the world to enjoy. Sadly, I’m here to let you know that Kona is not the magical coffee heaven on Earth that you may think. Kona is just like most towns.

There’s a Wal-Mart, Kmart, multiplex movie theater, Costco, Home Depot, Borders, Bubba Gump Shrimp Company restaurant, Hard Rock Cafe, a couple of Starbucks, a variety of national fast food restaurants, and there used to be a shitty Sizzler. Also, the coffee isn’t picked up by Menehune, it’s picked off of trees by Filipino immigrants.

So what makes Kona Coffee good?

I don’t know, but whatever it is I wished the new Jack in the Box Kona Coffee Shake had some of it. I’m a big fan of Jack’s Oreo Shake, which I order whenever I want to add a second chin or another dimple on my ass, but I don’t feel the same way about this creamy coffee-flavored milkshake. The coffee flavor was noticeable, but not strong enough for those who have Starbucks flowing through their veins. I didn’t really think it tasted like Kona Coffee, but it did taste like all the faux Kona Coffee products I’ve tried over the years.

Another problem I had with the Jack in the Box Kona Coffee Shake was its thickness. I couldn’t get that thickness into my mouth, not even with my vacuum-like oral sucking skillz. I sucked and sucked, but it was hard to get the creamy goodness into my mouth. After awhile, all that sucking just made my mouth sore and I waited for that thickness to get soft before I tried sucking it again. When it did get soft, I was able to suck it dry.

But I really wished I also had the option to spoon the Jack in the Box Kona Coffee Shake.

Item: Jack in the Box Kona Coffee Shake
Price: $3.09 (regular-sized)
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Mah oral sucking skillz. Cool. Creamy. If you like the fake Kona Coffee taste, you’ll like this. Jack in the Box Oreo Shake. Costco. Real Kona Coffee. Spooning.
Cons: Coffee flavor was light. The aroma of urine in every public stairwell. Thickness of milkshake was a little too thick for my mouth. Kona is not a magical place.

Get the audio version of this review here.

21 thoughts on “Jack in the Box Kona Coffee Shake

  1. I still don’t think you sucked hard enough, Marvo. Did you use your tongue?

    Damn, that shake looks good.

  2. Brie – No tongue action. Although that might’ve warmed things up. Hmm…maybe if I used my tongue and lips and the same time, it might’ve helped.

  3. I’ve been to Kona and thought it smelled kind of like cat pee. But public urination in stairwells works too.

    Have you tried a spoon when your shake is too thick?

  4. Damn.. You gotta get that microphone fixed..just, so we can hear you say “oral sucking skilz”.. whew(fans herself) great review, sweets.

  5. i highly recommend using your tongue & lips at the same time, for maximum results.

    also, yes I did think the Menehune’s picked the coffee beans. are you sure they don’t? 🙁

  6. I had a similar problem sucking up their chocolate shake the other night. I was worried it was just me…good to hear you had problems with that too…

  7. Which are the faux Kona coffee products I should avoid? I don’t want to be tricked, like some people do by the ladies of the night in Waikiki.

  8. In spite of your none-too-enthusiastic review of this product, I feel I am missing out by not living near a Jack in the Box. When I visited LA a few years ago, I wanted to eat there every day.

  9. Phew! Finished myself right at the next to last paragraph, then I listened and finished again. Man, you’re good. Phew! Almost as good as having a Jack in My Box.

  10. Next time, just order a vanilla milkshake and pour hot Kona coffee into it. No more thickness problems!!!

  11. JItB rules my soul. Their burgers are wonderful. Too bad the closest one to me is about an 8 hour drive.

    Question: Does that mean Pepsi Kona is the greatest version of Pepsi ever?

  12. cybele – I do use a spoon, but I wish fast food places would include a spoon with their shakes. Although, the plastic spoons would contribute to the growing garbage I produce every year. Damn, my treehugger side!

    Alisha – That’s what my fingers and toes are for.

    Bikerbabeee – IF I said “oral sucking skillz” in a high pitched voice, it would be a million times more sexy.

    Aimee – I’ll practice on my fingers and toes.

    cian – I’m glad I’m not the only one with this problem too. We should start a support group.

    Chuck – The Oreo shake does though.

    kevin – Anything claiming to be Kona Coffee candy should be avoided and a lady of the night walking the streets of Waikiki named Kona Coffee should be avoided, because she’s expensive and has a penis.

    Eryn – JITB is my favorite fast food joint within driving distance. If there was an In-N-Out within driving distance that would be my favorite. I wish I could drive on water.

    stephanie – So I should lick its top.

    Domokun – You should listen to it while listening to Barry White at the same time.

    Karen – But possible scalding crotch problems.

    Lord Jezo – Pepsi Kona is a mythical creature and only exists in the minds of children and storybooks.

    Shannon – I drink your milkshake.

  13. I love JITB- I wish we lived near one. Maybe if they just put a shot of real coffee before they blend it? Mmmm.

  14. Ooooh this sounds like it will be perfect for my hangover today

    Now where is the closest Jack in the Box

    and some eggrolls, and some curly fries and do they still have those really gross mozzarella sticks?

  15. I love the new audio review! I can brush my teeth across the room and still enjoy the silky goodness of an impulsive buy review.

  16. Kylie – Yes, they still do have those mozzarella sticks. Mmm…Buttermilk sauce.

    knomeofzurich – Or you can brush you teeth in front of a computer screen while you read. I just don’t want to see you become illiterate. 🙁

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