Jack in the Box Kona Coffee Shake

Kona Coffee is known worldwide as one of the best varieties of coffee. To reach that level of excellence, you may think there’s something special about the town of Kona, like it’s a magical place where coffee beans rain down from the sky and the wonderful smell of coffee lingers like the aroma of urine in every public stairwell.

You may think the beans are collected by little men called Menehune who come out of their tiny grass huts at night and each bean is carried on a donkey-shaped cloud to a magic grinder that uses the bones of unicorns to turn the coffee beans into a fine dust for the world to enjoy. Sadly, I’m here to let you know that Kona is not the magical coffee heaven on Earth that you may think. Kona is just like most towns.

There’s a Wal-Mart, Kmart, multiplex movie theater, Costco, Home Depot, Borders, Bubba Gump Shrimp Company restaurant, Hard Rock Cafe, a couple of Starbucks, a variety of national fast food restaurants, and there used to be a shitty Sizzler. Also, the coffee isn’t picked up by Menehune, it’s picked off of trees by Filipino immigrants.

So what makes Kona Coffee good?

I don’t know, but whatever it is I wished the new Jack in the Box Kona Coffee Shake had some of it. I’m a big fan of Jack’s Oreo Shake, which I order whenever I want to add a second chin or another dimple on my ass, but I don’t feel the same way about this creamy coffee-flavored milkshake. The coffee flavor was noticeable, but not strong enough for those who have Starbucks flowing through their veins. I didn’t really think it tasted like Kona Coffee, but it did taste like all the faux Kona Coffee products I’ve tried over the years.

Another problem I had with the Jack in the Box Kona Coffee Shake was its thickness. I couldn’t get that thickness into my mouth, not even with my vacuum-like oral sucking skillz. I sucked and sucked, but it was hard to get the creamy goodness into my mouth. After awhile, all that sucking just made my mouth sore and I waited for that thickness to get soft before I tried sucking it again. When it did get soft, I was able to suck it dry.

But I really wished I also had the option to spoon the Jack in the Box Kona Coffee Shake.

Item: Jack in the Box Kona Coffee Shake
Price: $3.09 (regular-sized)
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Mah oral sucking skillz. Cool. Creamy. If you like the fake Kona Coffee taste, you’ll like this. Jack in the Box Oreo Shake. Costco. Real Kona Coffee. Spooning.
Cons: Coffee flavor was light. The aroma of urine in every public stairwell. Thickness of milkshake was a little too thick for my mouth. Kona is not a magical place.

Listerine Mint Shield Smart Rinse

The lack of a burning sensation in my mouth and an absence of alcohol in the ingredients list means that the Listerine Mint Shield Smart Rinse is either made for children or cry baby pussies.

Back in my little man days, I only had the original formula Listerine and when it burned, it felt like a chlamydia-filled fiesta in my mouth. Whenever I felt that burn, I cried like a third grader who just pooped in his pants in the middle of class while learning cursive writing, but eventually I sucked it up and realized that the burn made me feel like it was working to make my breath antiseptic fresh.

Today’s little snots have it easy with their Happy Meals, fruit-flavored toothpastes, child-proof medication bottles, and Capri Suns with straws that can actually poke through the bag. Why are we coddling our children with burn-less Listerine?

Life is hard. Life is painful. Shouldn’t mouthwashes be as well? How are today’s children going to cope with the ups and downs of life if they’re not even faced with the agony of Listerine burn? Pain teaches us lessons. Burning your hands while taking something out of the microwave oven teaches us that gloves protect our hands. Being a public official and getting caught with a high-priced call girl teaches us that masturbation is okay.

I feel sorry for those kids who have to settle for the Listerine Mint Shield Smart Rinse. Besides not causing a burning sensation, it’s not very minty. The Metromint Spearmint Water I drink to make me look like a sophisticated prick has more mint flavor than this. If it isn’t very minty, how am I going to mask my breath after making out with a low-priced call girl.

Another difference between regular Listerine and this Listerine for Wussies is the amount of time vigorously swishing them in your mouth. Regular Listerine takes only 30 seconds, while the Smart Rinse takes one whole minute. Good luck getting your children to do that.

What also sucks about the Listerine Mint Shield Smart Rinse is that you can’t eat or drink anything 30 minutes after rinsing. I don’t know what happens if you do, but I’m not about to find out, especially after what happened when I operated heavy machinery after taking NyQuil. Perhaps the worst thing about this product is the fact there there isn’t any alcohol in it, like regular Listerine does, which disappoints me because it would be so cute to see little kids tipsy from Listerine.

Item: Listerine Mint Shield Smart Rinse
Price: $4.76
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Helps prevent cavities. Handy squeeze measuring top. Masturbation. Gloves.
Cons: No Listerine burn. No alcohol. Mint Shield flavor is lame. Can’t eat or drink anything 30 minutes after rinsing. For pussies. Operating heavy machinery after drinking NyQuil. Life is hard.

REVIEW: Red Baron Singles: Pepperoni Deep Dish Mini Pizzas

With so many new products coming out every month, it’s become very hard to be competitive in the world of frozen pizzas. Creepy weirdo Wolfgang Puck and the fancy folks at California Pizza Kitchen can make shopping for a decent pizza very confusing. You’re already racking your brain wondering how Rachael Ray got her own talk show; you don’t need more queries running through your head.

So when you don’t feel like having peanut butter or bean sprouts on your pizza, you want something hearty, simple, and fattening. That’s where the Red Baron comes in. When he isn’t shooting down pilots during World War I, he’s making cheap frozen pizzas that are made with four foundational ingredients: cheese, dough, sauce, and grease. Pepperoni is often added for flavor. This is the case with these mini deep dish pizzas, which are look like the result of Bagel Bites ingesting a cocktail of steroids and HGH every morning.

Half of the battle with enjoying a frozen pizza is how you cook it. In my lazier days, I would simply microwave the crap out of it and then fry it on a bed of butter and parmesan cheese to crisp up the bottom. It was definitely quicker, but was it really worth the shame spiral that I put myself through? Probably not. The toaster oven is really the best place to heat these up, as you simply throw it in for ten minutes before being rewarded with crispy rounds of pizza goodness.

The box, though, claims that it is microwavable. We all know, however, that microwave pizzas are forever doomed to be disgusting and impossible to heat evenly. The cheese and sauce form a pink blob of sadness as they meld together in unholy matrimony. The cheese on the outside is burnt and the middle of the pizzas are filled with a small pool of water from the uncooked cheese. I’d venture a guess and say that the silver “crisping” trays that come with most microwavable pizzas are made from painted cardboard. This method of cooking is not recommended.

As for the pizzas themselves, they are sufficient for a quick snack and are perfect as an hors d’oeuvre at a hoity-toity sports party. You can even use them to feed your friends who you do not think can eat a regular pizza without smearing toppings all over your furniture. They are easy to eat and have those delectable cubes of pepperoni in order to ensure that every bite is filled with that greasy and salty flavor that America has fallen in love with.

Just don’t be expecting a Chicago deep dish where the majority of the pizza is toppings. These pizzas are mostly crust, so those of you who love your toppings and sauce might want to steer clear. Overall, it’s a cheap and filling pizza product that’s easy to make. You may not be getting any organic toppings or a message about some type of fair trade, but you’ll probably be too stuffed to care.

(Nutritional Facts – 4 pizzas – 470 calories, 26 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 40 mg of cholesterol, 980mg sodium, 43 grams of carbs, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 16 grams of protein, 8% Vitamin A, 4% Vitamin C, 20% Calcium, and 15% Iron)

Item: Red Baron Singles: Pepperoni Deep Dish Mini Pizzas
Price: $2.00
Purchased at: Albertsons
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Cubed pepperoni and ergonomic design makes for easy eating. Very quick to crisp up in the toaster oven. Can be served on a fancy tray with other bite-sized appetizers.
Cons: Mostly crust. Come out terribly in the microwave. Shopping for frozen pizzas can be confusing. Frying a microwaved pizza in order to crisp it up.

Megamallows Giant Pizza Slice

I really believe the Megamallows Giant Pizza Slice is the marshmallow equivalent of a “fuck you.”

If only I had the addresses of all the people who have bullied, teased, or blueballed me over the years, I would be mailing these fuckers en masse. If you don’t love your child, giving this product to them is probably the softest way to let them know, right behind the words, “You were an accident…that happened in the back seat of a Ford Pinto…with some guy I met at a bar at closing…I think his name was Rick…or Roger…I only had you for the welfare.”

The idea of a strawberry-flavored marshmallow that is shaped like a pizza is something beyond a novelty. It is like a cruel joke that is so cruel, no one laughs at it. Yes, I did say that this marshmallow pizza is strawberry flavored. I will admit a marshmallow pizza that is pizza flavored sounds even worse, but at least it would make sense.

Strangely, I wasn’t drunk, high, or delirious with hunger when I bought it, but I wish I was drunk or high when I ate some of it, because it is something I would like to forget in either an alcoholic haze or Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind-style.

I took three regrettable bites out of the Megamallows Giant Pizza Slice and then wished for a flux capacitor to be delivered via FedEx to my door so that I can go back in time and stop myself from purchasing something that not even fat kids would eat.

Its strawberry flavor was like I was eating a shitty strawberry yogurt. Its texture was a little tough, which is weird since it is a frickin’ marshmallow. Finally, the marshmallow pizza itself looked like a Picasso abstract painting…done by a 6-year-old with fingerpaints and on acid.

Despite everything bad about the Megamallows Giant Pizza Slice, there is some good. It is fat free, but unfortunately, the zero grams of fat don’t make up for the 1,000 grams of shame.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 package – 150 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 35 milligrams of sodium, 37 grams of carbs, 0 grams of fiber, 26 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 4% calcium, 2% iron, and 1,000 grams of shame.)

Item: Megamallows Giant Pizza Slice
Price: $1.49
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: It didn’t make me puke. Fat free.
Cons: It’s a pizza that’s strawberry flavored. 1,000 grams of shame. The marshmallow equivalent of a fuck you. Shitty strawberry taste. No flux capacitor.

REVIEW: Snapple Antioxidant Water

With each having their own color and special power, I was hoping these five flavors of Snapple Vitamin Antioxidant Water would combine to form a huge robot, like Voltron: Defender of the Universe or the >Mighty Morphin Power Ranger’s Megazord.

Despite dressing up like King Zarkon from the Planet Doom and throwing other plastic bottles into the trash, instead of recycling them, the Snapple Vitamin Antioxidant Water plastic bottles did nothing to stop my evil ways.

Although Captain Planet did appear and attacked me while saying, “I’ve found another use for these bottles and that’s to kick your ass with them.”

The Snapple Vitamin Antioxidant Water comes in seven flavors, but I was only able to try five of them: Grape Pomegranate, Agave Melon, Strawberry Acai, Orange Starfruit, and Tropical Mango. According to the labels, they all have the power to do something beyond quenching a thirst.

Grape seed extract in the Grape Pomegranate has the power to defy, electrolytes in the Agave Melon has the power to restore, 60 milligrams of caffeine in the Strawberry Acai has the power to awaken, while Vitamin C in the Orange Starfruit and Tropical Mango have the power to protect.

Oh, if only one of them had the power of telekinesis or the power to sober.

Every flavor I tried was good. My two favorite flavors were the unusual tasting Agave Melon and the Strawberry Acai. Overall, they seemed a little less watered down than Glaceau’s Vitamin Water, despite their sugar content being about the same at about 30 grams per bottle. Speaking about similarities with Vitamin Water, the Snapple Vitamin Antioxidant Water also has semi-witty writing on its label, they don’t contain high-fructose corn syrup, and of course, they can’t form into a gigantic robot to fight evil.

Item: Snapple Antioxidant Water
Price: 99 cents each (20-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: All the flavors I tried tasted good. Agave Melon and Strawberry Acai were my favorites. Vitamins A & E. Less watered down taste than Vitamin Water. Electrolytes. No high-fructose corn syrup. Strawberry Acai flavor has 60 milligrams of caffeine.
Cons: Vitamin Water copycat, even includes semi-witty copy on label. Can’t combine to form gigantic robot to fight evil. None has the ability to sober. Getting your ass kicked by Captain Planet.