Panda Express Beijing Beef

If you’re not of the Asian persuasion, you might have a hard time determining the differences between all of us Asians. There’s Japanese, Chinese, Korean, Taiwanese, Vietnamese, Cambodian, Thai, Filipino and the list goes on. If you have a hard time with the various Asian ethnicities and just lump us all together, don’t feel bad because we Asians can’t determine what specific ethnicity you are either. But if there’s one thing that you can determine much more accurately, it is the authentic cuisine from each culture.

Sushi and ramen are authentic Japanese dishes. Pansit and bagoong are real Filipino recipes. Kimchi and bibimbap are genuine Korean courses. However, Panda Express’ Mongolian Beef and their new Beijing Beef are fucking made up.

The Beijing Beef, which is made up of crispy strips of marinated beef, with bell peppers and onions in a tangy sweet and spicy sauce, is as authentic as the boobs on Daisy from Rock of Love 2 or the love any of the women on Flavor of Love have for the imp-ish Flavor Flav.

I know it feels like I just punched through your chest and ripped out your heart, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom-style, but I have to tell you that Panda Express isn’t real Chinese food. Heck, while I’m stabbing you in the heart with chopsticks, I also have to tell you that P.F. Chang’s is also not authentic Chinese food. Also, Miley Cyrus is Hannah Montana.

Despite not being an authentic Chinese dish, I have to say that I really enjoyed the Panda Express Beijing Beef. Crispy beef sounds weird, but it was not crispy like fried chicken, instead its coating had a slight crunch. The meat inside the coating was also tender and the bell peppers and onions were nice and crisp.

If you like the Sweet & Sour Pork from Panda Express, you’ll like the Beijing Beef because they pretty much taste the same. They even look the same since both dishes have bell peppers and onions. The sauce was supposed to be spicy, but it seemed as mild as the Sweet & Sour Pork sauce, which disappointed me because I love the mui caliente.

If you’re disappointed to find out that Panda Express isn’t authentic Chinese food, take solace in the fact some genuine Asian dishes can either kill you, make you consume an embryo, or get you to eat something that most people consider a pet.

(Nutrition Facts – 5 ounces – 420 calories, 25 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 730 milligrams of sodium, 36 grams of carbs, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 14 grams of protein, and 0 grams of Chinese authenticity.)

Item: Panda Express Beijing Beef
Price: $6.50 (2 choice plate)
Purchased at: Panda Express
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Oishii desu yo! (It’s tasty!) If you like Panda Express’ Sweet & Sour Pork, you’re going to like this. Vegetables were crisp. Sushi. Rock of Love 2 The Flight of the Conchords album.
Cons: Not really spicy. Crispy beef seems kind of weird. Not authentic Chinese food. Eating pets, chicken embryos, or things that can kill you. Not being able to determine different ethnicities. Having to make out with Flavor Flav.

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33 thoughts on “Panda Express Beijing Beef

  1. I like Panda Express on occasion, even if it’s fake. Or Pei Wei, which like PF Chang is also fake.

    Hey, wasn’t chow mein invented in San Francisco?

  2. I usually get this along with orange chicken and chow mein. Makes for a great meal. That, or the mandarin chicken, sans sauce. That’s delicious. Blast, now I’m hungry.

    And I think you’re thinking of the fortune cookie, Chuck. Chop Suey was invented in the states, though: NY, I think.

  3. My roommate was pretty bummed when I broke the news to him about PF Chang’s a few months ago. If the place setttings match and no Asians work there, I would think that would be your first red flag.

  4. Honestly, when I saw the Beijing Beef, I thought it would be like the pork with the savory yet sweet special sauce you can find in authentic chinese resturants. you know, the kind that comes in a red sauce with carmelized onion, that tastes faintly of ketchup and/or A-1 sauce?

    I was pretty dissapointed by the Beijing Beef, as it’s basically sweet and sour beef. I’m not a big fan of sweet and sour sauce, but the times I do like it is in authentic chinese resturants with the sauce more of an amber/honey color rather than the sickenly sweet red/orange sauce. If you can find sweet and sour sauce that is honey/amber in color, it’s probably really good.

    As for the Panda Express dishes, I love their Mandarin chicken with sauce, chicken with mushrooms, and their brocolli beef. Their spring and chicken rolls are surprisingly decent, as well.

  5. Chuck – I’ve been to a Pei Wei once, I think in California. It was fake Chinese goodness. As for chow mein, I’m not sure about that.

    Melodu – I <3 their Orange Chicken too. Also, their Tofu Eggplant and mushroom chicken.

    whip1 – Daisy isn’t attractive on the outside, but sadly, she’s less attractive on the inside.

    Jesse – I usually get half fried rice, half mixed veggies, orange chicken, and tofu eggplant.

    Nhiro – If it was a real Chinese restaurant, it would have a billion menu choices written in Chinese characters and numbers next to each choice so that you don’t have to pronounce the name, just say the number.

    bitsmom – Kinda? :-(

    yawnie – I <3 fake boobs. Thank you my spell check.

    Reprobate – I’ve never had the spring rolls at Panda Express, but I’ve pretty much had every thing else. I wish they had duck, though.

  6. Am I missing something? I do not know what Panda Express is, unless it is shopping mall food court food. If so, time to go shopping! Yummy!

  7. Panda China or Express China or whatever it’s called is crap chinese food. Yet oddly addictive. Rather like Marvo himself. Maybe HE’S the Panda Express.

  8. How ironic. The first porn flick I directed was also called “Beijing Beef”. It was only slightly less sloppy than the entree you ordered…

  9. angry bob is tired of listing “cute” animals that he hates. angry bob hates all “cute” animals, but especially pandas. And especially bunny rabbits. And especially chipmunks. And regular monks. But mostly everything else.

    Also, people that refer to themselves in the third person.

    On a side note, take an actual Asian person with you (appropriately matched to the ethnicity of the restaurant) if you’re going to an “authentic” place and would like the food they serve the non-Round Eyes. Don’t order by number. The numbers just tells them how many times to spit in it. Though if you enjoy spit, go for it.

  10. I’ll take Pershing Beef or Princess Beef or what-the-fuck-ever Chinese/Western amalgamation is available. That looks pretty darn tasty right there :P..good point about the embryos. As a former exchange student who went to the Philippines, ain’t no way I was eating Balut, no way.

  11. I know it’s fake Chinese food, but I loves me some Panda Express. Mmmm, LingLing….

    I cannot touch balut. And the smell of bagoong is like a slap in the face. But pancit? Now you’re talkin’!

  12. I have a love/hate relationship with Panda Express. Its the worst, best food to eat on a fast food run.

    The beef was tender?! You musta got lucky ;)

  13. I have only ever eaten the orange chicken with white rice. I may try this.

    On another note: Every time you said “bell pepper” in your article I read “hell pepper – oh wait, bell pepper”. Panda Express = Hell?

  14. My local take-out restaurant has “Emperor’s Crispy Beef” which rocks my world (Unlike ‘Rock of Love’). There isn’t a chain restaurant out there that can compete and these guys deliver!!

  15. i glad someone else realizes that theyre fake too, but just because its fake, that doesnt mean it some of it isnt half bad. its ok if your desperate.

  16. I have nothing to say about this dish (maybe I should start drinking and read it again later).

    I’m just hoping that you don’t plan on reviewing Ace’s film, Beijing Beef.

  17. I just wish we had a Panda Express here.
    We don’t even have good fake asian food in the town where i live.

    The beef looks inviting though

  18. Eryn – WHAT? You don’t know the food court wonder that is Panda Express? You should find one…or get franchise information and start one up in your town.

    Nevis – I’m round like a panda and in the bedroom it’s pretty much an express.

    Ace – Hmm…It sounds like a gay porn to me.

    angry bob – I enjoy spit when I’m swapping it with a lady friend.

    Alex Lifeson – Damn balut. Just for the record, I would like to say that I will NEVER review balut.

    demondoll – Now that I think about it, there aren’t too many Filipino foods that I’ll eat. Not even pancit.

    skibs – You know why the meat was tender…because at my Panda Express there are actual Chinese people making the food. Bonus!

    Kay – Orange chicken is probably the most popular dish at Panda Express, or as I like to call it “Panda’s”

    Jessica – I used to think Rock of Love was lame, but then I watched an entire episode and all the fake boobs just helped me fixate my eyes on the TV.

    liz – If that is the case, then once a week I am desperate.

    Kylie – It kind of sounds like a gay porn title and my gay friends tell me that gay porn is really expensive, so unless Ace gives me free copy and I can simultaneously watch an Asia Carrera flick, I probably won’t review it.

    Bokkie – I think your town needs some Asian immigrants or someone willing to open a Panda Express franchise.

  19. It must be California law that every mall must have a Panda Express. I honestly cannot think of a food court around here without one.

    And yes, I loves me some pseudo-Chinese food now and then. I don’t go there because I want authentic cuisine. I go there because I want Panda Express, the same way I want my fake Mexican, Italian, etc.

  20. Look at you, busting out with the Japanese! Who cares how you spelled it? Better than I could’ve managed, certainly. Eh, damn you and your accessibility to food. I thought I was hard up when I was living on the base in Japan. Someone told me to take my husband out to a nice dinner the other day and I said, “Of what, coconut?”

  21. Chuck – After some research, I found that there’s a drive-thru here on this island. I’m not sure where it is, which is sad, but I live on a frickin’ island.

    Ace – What? It’s artistic? That makes it even more expensive. I’m not spending $200 on artistic gay porn.

    Alex – Actually, you should be glad you don’t have access to all the crap I have. There’s Chocolate Honeycomb cereal now! Chocolate! That’s fucking unnecessary, but yet I’m eat it.

    Bubu – Don’t hold me up to it, but I would rather review a manzilian…since I kind of like pain.

  22. Oh come on now, balut isn’t that bad– just eat it somewhere dark, while hot, with salt.

    As for the beijing beef (pardon my Tagalog): Pre! ang konti naman ng serving n’yan!

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