I’m not sure if chewing gum helps strengthen the muscles around my mouth, but if it does, I just gave my mouth a workout with the Always Mandarin Stride Gum.
Stride Gum isn’t shy about letting everyone know that their product is “The Ridiculously Long Lasting Gum.” They are much like my ex-girlfriends who aren’t timid about letting everyone they know that I am “The Disappointingly Short Lasting Lover,” which I’m working on by the way with kegel exercises. Because I like to prove ridiculously lame marketing slogans wrong, and it’s been hard to me to disprove my alleged poor sexual prowess, I set forth and made like a cow chewing cud by chomping on a piece of this orange-flavored Stride gum for as long as I could. I hoped that this piece of gum would last shorter than I do.
Unfortunately, the Always Mandarin Stride Gum lasted significantly longer than I ever will, but it also lasted longer than most men ever will, except Sting and his freaky deeky 48-hour Tantric Sex. I chewed on a piece for about an hour. Its initial flavor was kind of weird and it lasted for about 3-4 minutes.
At first, it tasted kind of like orange oatmeal, but after that subsided, it tasted like a really weak diet orange soda with the artificial sweetener aftertaste. The orange flavor really began to disappear after about 45 minutes of chewing and I spit the gum out 15 minutes later.
Is 45 minutes considered “ridiculously long?” In the porn world, not including oral…yes. In the business meeting world…no. In the gum chewing world…that’s pretty good. In my world…I can only dream. I think it’s even better than Extra gum, but my jaw is too tired to actually find out, which reminds me that my ex-girlfriends also aren’t afraid about letting everyone know that I am also “The Disappointingly Little Lasting Licker.”
Hmm…If chewing Stride Gum for long periods can strengthen my jaw, perhaps it can help me shed that label.
(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – Less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 1 grams of sugar alcohol, 0 grams of protein, and 45 minutes of saliva production.)
Item: Always Mandarin Stride Gum
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent flavor once you get past the weird initial flavor. Closable packaging. Long lasting flavor. Might help strengthen mouth muscles. Kegel exercises.
Cons: Weird initial flavor. Mandarin flavor is not always. It lasts longer than I do. My ex-girlfriends talking about me. 48-hour Tantric Sex marathons. $4 gallons of gas.