Month: June 2008

REVIEW: Tohato Caramel Corn Roasted Almond

Marvo 22 Comments

OMGYAFC!!! Oh. My. God. You. Are. Fucking. Cute.

I don’t know whether to eat or to hug you, Tohato Caramel Corn Roasted Almond. Look at your face on your packaging. You’re trying to balance an almond on your nose while caramel corn is being thrown at you. Totemo kawaii (very cute). I really don’t want to open you because I afraid I’m going to hurt you. That look on your face looks like you’re prepared for the torture of having your top ripped open by filthy non-cute human hands. Oh how I wish you weren’t cute, like a bag of Ruffles Potato Chips, a trash dumpster, or Ashley Simpson and Pete Wentz’s wedding photos.

But I’m sorry, little guy, I have to open you. If I wasn’t hungry and didn’t need to review you, perhaps I could cuddle you a little longer. Now I have to eat what could be considered your brains. Are you ready, little guy? At least you won’t have to worry about caramel corn being thrown at you anymore and perhaps you can open your eye again. Let me just squeeze you one last time. Hmm…Goodbye, my cute little Tohato Caramel Corn Roasted Almond. Goodbye.

(Opens bag and Tohato Caramel Corn Roasted Almond exhales its last breath)

NOOOO…Oh. You’re not so cute inside. I was expecting bright colors and flamboyant costumes, like being at a gay pride parade, but your innards look like all-you-can-eat fried shrimp from Red Lobster. Not so kawaii. I hope your flavor was worth killing you for.

Oh. You’re like Cracker Jack-flavored Cheetos. Wow, Tohato Caramel Corn Roasted Almond, you’re really tasty and very addicting. You’re so light, fluffy, and crunchy that I didn’t realize I just ate half of you. You may not be cute and happy on the inside, like you are on the outside, but when I eat you, you make me happy on the inside. I guess I’m going to have to find other cute little bags of Tohato Caramel Corn Roasted Almond and kill them too.

(Nutrition Facts – 28 grams (1/3 of the bag) – 157 calories, 9 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 0 milligrams cholesterol, 54 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 0.3 grams of dietary fiber, 16.7 grams of sugar, 1 grams of protein, 1.5% calcium, 0.7% iron, and 100% kawaii.)

Item: Tohato Caramel Corn Roasted Almond
Price: $1.99
Purchased at: PriceBusters
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Fucking addictive. Tastes like Cracker Jacks. Light, fluffy, and crunchy. Totemo kawaii packaging.
Cons: Looks like all-you-can-eat fried shrimp. Probably hard to find for most people since it’s a product of Japan. Having to kill cute things.

REVIEW: Always Mandarin Stride Gum

Marvo 11 Comments

I’m not sure if chewing gum helps strengthen the muscles around my mouth, but if it does, I just gave my mouth a workout with the Always Mandarin Stride Gum.

Stride Gum isn’t shy about letting everyone know that their product is “The Ridiculously Long Lasting Gum.” They are much like my ex-girlfriends who aren’t timid about letting everyone they know that I am “The Disappointingly Short Lasting Lover,” which I’m working on by the way with kegel exercises. Because I like to prove ridiculously lame marketing slogans wrong, and it’s been hard to me to disprove my alleged poor sexual prowess, I set forth and made like a cow chewing cud by chomping on a piece of this orange-flavored Stride gum for as long as I could. I hoped that this piece of gum would last shorter than I do.

Unfortunately, the Always Mandarin Stride Gum lasted significantly longer than I ever will, but it also lasted longer than most men ever will, except Sting and his freaky deeky 48-hour Tantric Sex. I chewed on a piece for about an hour. Its initial flavor was kind of weird and it lasted for about 3-4 minutes.

At first, it tasted kind of like orange oatmeal, but after that subsided, it tasted like a really weak diet orange soda with the artificial sweetener aftertaste. The orange flavor really began to disappear after about 45 minutes of chewing and I spit the gum out 15 minutes later.

Is 45 minutes considered “ridiculously long?” In the porn world, not including oral…yes. In the business meeting world…no. In the gum chewing world…that’s pretty good. In my world…I can only dream. I think it’s even better than Extra gum, but my jaw is too tired to actually find out, which reminds me that my ex-girlfriends also aren’t afraid about letting everyone know that I am also “The Disappointingly Little Lasting Licker.”

Hmm…If chewing Stride Gum for long periods can strengthen my jaw, perhaps it can help me shed that label.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – Less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 1 grams of sugar alcohol, 0 grams of protein, and 45 minutes of saliva production.)

Item: Always Mandarin Stride Gum
Price: $1.29
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent flavor once you get past the weird initial flavor. Closable packaging. Long lasting flavor. Might help strengthen mouth muscles. Kegel exercises.
Cons: Weird initial flavor. Mandarin flavor is not always. It lasts longer than I do. My ex-girlfriends talking about me. 48-hour Tantric Sex marathons. $4 gallons of gas.

Nilla Cakesters

Marvo 16 Comments

With the introduction of Nilla Cakesters, the milking of the Cakesters brand has begun and we can officially start the countdown to Nutter Butter Cakesters, which is less exciting than a Space Shuttle countdown, but less creepy than a Miley Cyrus 18th birthday countdown website.

It seemed like Nilla wafers were the bastard child in the Nabisco family and not loved at all, until these Nilla Cakesters were introduced. While Oreo and Nutter Butter have lickable cream centers and Oreos come in more variations than women at a quality Nevada whorehouse, Nilla wafers (or Illa Nilla, as the kids like to call them) have been just plain vanilla over the years: no limited edition variation, no chocolate version, and Santa Claus not only rejects them at Christmas, he drags out of bed the kids who left them there, burns their lump of coal in front of them, and then brands the kid’s arm with it.

The Nilla Cakesters remind me of Brooke Hogan because they both have bland looking round golden cakes, white filling, and the inability to spell the word “vanilla” correctly. They also look like the smaller, less-phallic cousin of Twinkies, and much like Twinkies, the Nilla Cakesters had a greasy taste and feel to it. Its greasiness surprised me, since the cake in the Nilla Cakesters was quite dry. A vanilla flavor was pretty much non-existent, unless the greasy flavor is some Nabisco Nutrition Nerd’s interpretation of vanilla, which if it is, that nerd needs to get back into the laboratory and create some better tasting and more realistic processed shit.

Until then, Nilla wafers will continue to be the Rodney Dangerfield of the Nabisco family.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cakes – 220 calories, 10 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 135 milligrams of sodium, 35 milligrams of potassium, 32 grams of carbs, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 22 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% calcium, 2% iron and 10.56 ounces of illa.)

Item: Nilla Cakesters
Price: $3.00
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Contains polyunsaturated fat and monounsaturated fat, which have health benefits. No trans fat. Nevada whorehouses. Oreos. The Space Shuttle. Weezer’s video for “Pork and Beans.”
Cons: Greasy flavor and feel. Cake was dry. High Fructose Corn Syrup. The chaos when Santa is given Nilla wafers. Miley Cyrus 18th birthday countdown website.