Hot Pockets Philly Steak and Cheese Croissant

Written by | July 18, 2008

Topics: 8 Rating, Frozen Food, Hot Pockets

If Hot Pockets were a movie franchise, it would probably be Batman. Like Batman, the Hot Pocket has a crusty exterior but a center that burns hotter than a thousand blazing suns. Anyone who’s ever scorched their taste buds on a Pocket after not waiting the recommended minute can attest to this. Both franchises bring comfort to lonely nerds everywhere who will always make every new iteration a commercial success. Finally, and perhaps most regretfully, both are marred with tremendous cheesiness in the middle − Hot Pockets with a mysterious processed cheese sauce and Batman with Joel Schumacher.

The mystery sauce is no more, however, as Hot Pockets has finally decided to integrate real cheese into their product. This is definitely one of life’s pleasant surprises, like finding a dollar under your couch or witnessing MILFy Travel Channel host Samantha Brown turn into a filthy slut on her new show. It just goes to show that even simple things that are unexpected can bring pleasure to your life. If they ever decide to make it with real meat, my head would almost certainly explode with joy.

Indeed, the meat is still the same processed “beef steak” that shares textural similarities with silicon foam. To its credit, the flavor is similar enough to real chopped steak to be passable. With the peppers and cheese inside, you won’t really notice the difference. And let’s be honest; when you find yourself enjoying a Hot Pocket, you’ll probably be too drunk to care.

The addition of real cheese is immediately noticeable. The naturally stringy texture is a nice of pace from the typical radioactively bright orange sauces that Hot Pockets typically deploys. The croissant crust is flakier and more flavorful than the regular Hot Pocket crust and can almost make you forget that you’re eating a frozen sandwich product in a cardboard sleeve. Overall, this is one of the best Hot Pockets on the market and one of the few that you shouldn’t be ashamed to eat.

I pray that this is a sign of things to come and that we will never see the Hot Pockets equivalent of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Mr. Freeze again.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 pocket – 340 calories, 160 calories from fat, 18 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 20 mg of cholesterol, 550mg sodium, 34 grams of carbs, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 10 grams of protein, 6% Vitamin A, 0% Vitamin C, 20% Calcium, 10% Iron, 15% Thiamaine, 10% Riboflavin, 8% Vitamin B12, 10% Niacin, 15% Folic Acid, and 10% Phosphorus)

Item: Hot Pockets Philly Steak and Cheese Croissant
Price: $2.00
Purchased at: Albertsons
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Same flavor as an authentic Philly Cheese Steak. Addition of real cheese makes it taste like something that humans should actually eat. Croissant crust is flaky and flavorful. Samantha Brown acting like a slutty sorority girl.
Cons: Still uses spongy processed meat. Eating something out a cardboard sleeve still feels humiliating. Mr. Freeze.






19 Comments For This Post I'd Love to Hear Yours!

  1. Marvo says:

    So what would you consider the two latest Batman movies?

  2. Chuck says:

    I think the hot pocket subs taste OK. But the “steak” they use…it’s just too strange for me. For some reason I can stand their meatballs and their pepperoni, but not their “steak.” Oh well.

  3. Anonymous says:

    These sure do look delicious. Thankfully, they are right in my pricce range. I can’t wait to try them.

  4. Armauld says:

    What’s the hot pocket equivalent of Jim Carrey in a spandex question mark suit?

  5. Gabs says:

    I do love me some hot pockets. Mainly just the cheese pizza ones, though, since I don’t eat meat. For a while they made broccoli and cheese ones, but I haven’t been able to find them in a while…

  6. meech says:

    i cant stand hot pockets they are just way too salty. i guess thats most frozen food though. the new batman rocked, did you see it?

  7. kevin says:

    I know you didn’t just bad-mouth Samantha Brown.

  8. liz says:

    i liked the radioactive “cheeze” sauce! that was the best part in the ham and cheese flavor, and the ham and cheese it the best flavor.

    why don’t you respond to our comments anymore? that was also the best part of posting a comment.

  9. Shannon says:

    Hmm..i may try these.

  10. Julia says:

    The addition of real cheese is immediately noticeable. The naturally stringy texture is a nice of pace from the typical radioactively bright orange sauces that Hot Pockets typically deploys. The croissant crust is flakier and more flavorful than the regular Hot Pocket crust and can almost make you forget that you’re eating a frozen sandwich product in a cardboard sleeve. Overall, this is one of the best Hot Pockets on the market and one of the few that you shouldn’t be ashamed to eat.

  11. ie says:

    Might have to try this

  12. Ace says:

    Marvo – Hot Pockets will have to match the Joker’s badassness and Batman’s hunkiness in order to match it.

    Chuck – Well meatballs are ground up anyways and they use real pepperoni. It’s the steak and ham that I sometimes have trouble digesting.

    Anon – Tell me how they were!

    Armauld – Their short-lived Hot Pockets Twisted Stix, which were almost as ridiculous as Matthew Lesko and the Riddler combined.

    Gabs – They still have the chicken-cheese-broccoli, but I don’t think that helps your situation very much.

    meech – Yes, I went to the midnight premiere and it was awesome.

    kevin – I love Samantha Brown, calling her skanky is actually a compliment.

    liz – I think I’ve done one review where I didn’t respond. Sometimes I’m late because I’m busy, sometimes because I’m out getting drunk(past 2 nights). It’s a little time consuming, but please know that you guys are still in our thoughts.

    Shannon – Please do and report back.

    Julia – I agree.

    ie – If you enjoy tasty frozen food(and you should if you read this site), you shan’t be disappointed.

  13. edman0037 says:

    Mmmmmmm……… Samantha Brown in a catholic school girl uniform………

    I’ve got problems.

  14. edman0037 says:

    Oh wait. We were talking about Hot Pockets?

  15. angry bob says:

    When did real cheese become a selling point? Isn’t that like saying “now without broken glass”? Hey, you were putting something in food that shouldn’t have existed in the first place, much less as an ingredient in a comestible. Don’t pat yourself on the back for using what you should have been using all along. Some people just sit around all day thinking of ways to make angry bob angry. It’s a good thing angry bob doesn’t fall for that.

  16. Jeanette says:

    Damn you, Ace. I don’t do Hot Pockets per se, but Lean Pockets occasionally. Your review encouraged me to go out and buy some; it’s amazing that one food item can be so delicious, yet so disappointing…

  17. Alisha says:

    as someone who has been pretty fucking drunk, I don’t think I have been drunk enough to enjoy a hot pocket.

  18. I have been dreaming about a slutty Samantha Brown for a long time… Now I will fantasize about her whenever I eat a Hot Pocket as well!

  19. Glenn says:

    Real philly cheesesteak taste? Ha. Nothing compares to an authentic cheesesteak. Sure, some of the other products out there that claim to be philly cheesesteak are good, but nothing can truly capture its greasy goodness.